Thursday, December 31, 2009

Another year...

I thought about this blog all day long. When it comes down to it, I don't feel very reflective though. 


It's been a big bag of nuts for me filled with those huge nasty ones that no one wants to eat and a few, a very few, chocolate covered macadamia ones. Most of me wants to give 2009 a big finger followed with a wedgie and a kick in the ass. But when it comes down to it, I have hope for 2010. So I don't really give a rats ass about 2009 anymore. 


This is what counts:


*My husband returned to me safely from his third deployment. 
*Fairyeggs has opened my eyes to a whole new window of selflessness and friendship in giving me her oocytes.
*Dr. Leprechaun is giving me a pro bono cycle which relieves the huge financial weight.



Those are some pretty damn good things.


Tonight as I sit with my champagne, husband and dog in my warm house, I know that I am okay. I can not claim to know what is intended for us, but I know that hope is not dead inside of me. 


Bring it on 20-10.


Happy New Year blogosphere!


xoxo

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Hockey baby.


If a girl could get knocked up by simply being around loads of testosterone laden men, I would be.

Last night I went to my very first professional hockey game in St. Louis where the Predators kicked the Blues behind. And that picture to the left, that's from our seats right on the glass in the front row. Yeah. While I wouldn't want to sit there for every game, holy batman baby, I got a good view of all of the players. I loved seeing everything that you don't see on TV--the speed, the line changes, the jolt that runs through the crowd when someone knocks the crap out of the opponent, and the guy with the missing tooth. Loved it all!

While I could have cared less about either team, it was fun to be around people who were completely nuts about their team. Infertility has suuuuuuucked any of this type of fun and carelessness out of me. So to have a little spark of energy shamelessly and vicariously taken through jeers and cheers, yeah, I'll take it.

xoxo

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Yeah....

Late yesterday AF came to visit. Finally. Oh, the joy!

I emailed the doc to let him know. I didn't expect a reply on the weekend, but he sent me one via his iphone.

He said to go ahead and start taking my BCPs.

Yeah...

He didn't tell me to get a prescription from my regular doctor, and he didn't give me a prescription before this message...

Being an IF vet, I know this will not throw the whole process off or anything. Yet at the same time, it makes me a little irritable because jumping through hoops at the last minute just makes me anxious. Erg.

Grump grump

xoxo

Saturday, December 26, 2009

The going ons...

Sigh, I love winter break! Hubby and I slept in late again this morning and eventually got up to laze about. After a few hours, hubby got to work on a take-home midterm and I finished a book, did some laundry and watched a few reruns of NCIS. 

I haven't been writing much about infertility lately simply because there hasn't been much going on. FairyEggs is enjoying her holidays with her family and gulping down birth control. The BC pills play with her tear ducts fairly strongly, so I'm not looking forward to putting her through Lupron, Follistim, and Menopur! There's nothing like torturing a friend! 

As polite and professional as the new LA clinic is, I am missing my favorite staff from my clinic in Louisiana. It was comforting knowing who to talk to and the procedures of the clinic besides the fact that I just loved them personally. Part of my discomfort simply comes from having to find the new office in a big city, which was surprisingly easy considering I took four freeways with nascar like driving to get there. The financial aspect is also a little awkward because I'm not really sure what I have to pay for or don't. I'm just a creature of comfort and the new environment takes a little getting use to. Regardless of my nervousness bubbling inside, hubby successfully completed his donations. As one of my favorite readers said, that's half of my future kid in that cup! 

Now we're impatiently waiting for AF to arrive so that we can get our schedule laid out for the cycle. I'm excited about finding out when everything is going down. We have lots of arrangements to make once we get a tentative calendar so, comm'on AF! Even though I'm five days past my expected date, my periods are wonky so it's nothing new. I tested just to make sure and of course had a momentary wave in my heart when I saw the single line. Nothing new there! 

So FairyEggs is gulping down BCPs, hubby's donations are done, and I'm waiting for AF. Just another day in the land of IF for us! Now I'm off to go all Simon on some term papers...love and hugs to everybody!

xoxo

Friday, December 25, 2009

Merry Christmas!

This morning I woke up in my bed, reveled in its snuggly warmth and went back to sleep. Hubby came in a little while later to get me up to show me the white coat of snow on the yard. While it has snowed a little here, it hasn't really stuck until today. So, Sweetpea got her first experience with snow which she loooooved! She bounded through the snow with glee which is the perfect essence of a Christmas morning.

This morning seemed all the more perfect in contrast to our trip home from California. It started off with a delay of our flight, standby for another, getting seats on that plane, but then being pulled off after we had settled and even buckled our seat belts! By the time we finally made it to Minneapolis, we found that our connecting plane also delayed and still there! After booking it through the airport, we slammed against the window where we could see an open door to the plane but alas there were no attendants to let us in! We stood watching it taxi through the snow, standing there, the picture of dejectedness. Thankfully the airline gave us a hotel, where we showered and napped until it was time again to try to get home. My main worry was getting home before the kennel closed since it was the last day of our reservation and I imagined my dog turned out onto the streets (ha, a little dramatic right?). The next morning our plane was delayed two hours followed with another two hour drive home. We pulled up to the kennel only to have the employee on a smoke break tell us that they were closed early since it was xmas eve. Umm, no. Seriously, you gave me the wrong time on my phone message? I can prove it suckers! Thankfully, they chose not to mess with us before I broke out my kung-fu on them to rescue Sweetpea from their clutches.

So today is all the more sweet since we are safely tucked away in our warm house with our dear girl. Our only plans today are to venture out to see the new Sherlock Holmes movie which I am waaaaaaaay excited about! We've already opened our simple presents this year....all of which are usable by both of us along the themes of cooking and home protection along with a few movies and books.

Whatever you are up to today, Christmas celebrator or not, I hope that you have a good day filled with the warmth of being surrounded by those you love.

xoxo

Monday, December 21, 2009

Darn good day...

What defines a pretty darn good day in my life? Being able to kiss my husband and hug my parents is it.

Usually when I'm in California visiting the family and friends, my hubby is off in the sandbox, training, in command, or endless number of other Army related reasons. Although I'd rather have him with me rather than not, I get it. Since the beginning, we've been fairly independent even in our relationship together because lived in separate cities for several years. But as much as this is true, it's simply fun to have him here with me to go see my friends and hang out with the family and built the memories with these people.

My family is incredibly close to my heart. There is something fantastic about appreciating my parents as people. I enjoy spending time with them. Having parents like this is special, and I feel truly lucky to have them. My sister is the other addition to this fun, as she is one of my best friends. After living with each other for most of our lives and then living together for five years as adults....you get the picture! They make it easy to understand love.

So being able to roll over and kiss my hubby in the morning then run downstairs and give the folks a squeeze....pretty darn good in my book!

And for the reason why we are in California, hubby gets to visit the doctor for some collection of the sperm goo. Whoo! With him being tied up in school by the time we do our DE-IVF, this goo will be going to our future embies. Hope these spermies are champs!

One of the best things today was the reality that Dr. Leprechaun is doing our cycle pro bono. When we went to check out, it was "You're all set. Have a nice day!"  The generosity astounded me in theory, but now it's actually happening. This is our silver lining on our IF cloud.

I feel like a lucky girl. In the midst of everything we face, I am glad that we have days like today.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Stick a Needle in It

No, I'm not so much into funky piercings. I'm digging the auricular acupuncture!

Friday, December 11, 2009

Infertility Stimulus

My solution to the economy.

Instead of the $54 million dollars going to the Wine Train in California (I have no idea what that is, but is sounds yummy, but kind of silly) for the economic stimulus, I propose giving infertile families money to pay for IVF SET transfers (as to not run up health care bills) so that we will can have children.

Then because we are the neurotic ones who are just waiting to spend on our money at various cute kiddie extravaganza stores ranging from industries from food to furniture, we will single handedly stimulate the economy.

Really, it could work. :)

xoxo

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

No canned tomatoes?

A friend just posted this article on FB, "The seven foods the experts won't eat." Seriously? The first item, canned tomatoes is avoided by an endocrinologist because "Studies show that the BPA in most people's body exceeds the amount that suppresses sperm production or causes chromosomal damage to the eggs of animals." Microwave popcorn is on the list too. What's sad is that I live 2.5 hours from the nearest Trad.erJoes or Whole Paycheck and the local Wally World and Commissary (the grocery store on base) have the tiniest organic section ever. Sigh. I guess I'll definitely have to move to Alaska and grow my own veggies! 


xoxo

Beet this!


Beet this! Tonight we boiled the beet. This is the beet that I picked up because my hubby was waxing nostalgic about the garden they had when he was growing up. So, I was thinking I should plant a garden at our next home. My hubby laughed at me. Why, you ask? Because imagining a garden in Alaska isn't the first thing you do. But they do have a great summer season with lots of light!

Beat this! FairyEgg's tests came back all clear and her period started. This means that we will be getting a calendar very very soon! Yay! Tomorrow I visit a lawyer to review our contract.  It's getting closer!

xoxo

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

discussion

My hubby and I had quite a discussion the other night. We don't scream and yell or throw tantrums. We don't discuss in a monotone voices either. Instead, my hubby pops out his Italian loud voice, his sarcasm, and his unshakable sense of confidence in his logic and self. I bring tears, an understanding of the emotional side of life, and a huge deep well of sensitivity. What comes out is usually a pretty productive discussion that finds some type of resolution or compromise.

One pervasive element of our discussions has been my lack of productivity lately. With the latest move, a complicated donor egg cycle coming up, and then another imminent move, I haven't really found a place for myself here. Without a defined or heftier work schedule, I tend to sleep late, read, poke around on my computer and go to acupuncture. Sometime during the day or week, I fit in my work on my two online courses, walk the dog, empty the dishwasher, clean the house, cook dinner and occasionally exercise. Most of the stuff that's not fun, I like to procrastinate on. After all, why not? All in all, I'm pretty damn happy doing so.

In contrast, my hubby wakes up at 4:15ish, goes to PT (physical training), comes home, showers, coffee, then attends training class from about 7:30 until about 4:30. Then on Monday and Tuesday nights he attends classes for his masters for an about two hours. When he's at home, he spends a lot of time reading his chapters for class, working on weekly assignments, and then preparing for his larger presentations and papers. Unlike most people, he reads all of the assigned chapter of the textbook each week, no skimming for my hubby! Surprisingly, he also starts his paper waaaaaaaay early by reading books on his topics, outlining, finding quotations (and writing them on paper?!?!), drafting, editing, revising....the whole shebang people! He really detests doing the work, but it eats at him if he doesn't.

At the same time that I am happily piddling around, I feel guilty. I feel guilty that I'm not utilizing my education and pulling in a bigger paycheck. I feel guilty that I'm not at the gym working off my infertility fat and deployment fat for a couple of hours a day. I feel guilty that I'm not all that interested in engaging with life around me.

There's such a big part of me that is not what I use to be. I use to love being active and doing things. I use to live in foreign countries. I use to have pep in my clothes and attitude! What's happened to me? Because now, the thought of doing those things sounds fun, but it just seems like a hassle.

I'd love to blame this all on infertility or depression. That would certainly be easier than changing. Because the reality is that there is always something that makes me not feel like getting up and going, one year it's being too busy with my master's program while another I'm too busy dealing with work, too busy jumping on a plane to visit my boy, too anxious about waiting to get married, too sad from endless deployments, too much going on with infertility. . .

Life is passing me by in this blur, and I'm not quite sure how to jump on and be part of the action instead of watching it in black and white.

My life has plenty of great moments and hours with my hubby, my family, my friends and darling Sweetpea. But I can't be with them all the time. When I'm not, I'm just kind of floating.

My hubby sees this. He comments on it. I can see his frustration about it on his face. He loves me and wants better for me. The problem with our discussion about this is that there really is not a resolution. We talked and resolved the other aspects of the discussion, but I think this lay at the heart of the matter. He obviously can't solve this for me.

Obviously, I'm thinking way too much. But hey, that's whatza percolating right now.

xoxo

Monday, November 30, 2009

Nablopomo

Whew! Nablopomo is officially ending! This means that I have officially completed thirty blogs in thirty days! I had two blogs that went a few minutes into the next day, but in the spirit of the holiday merriment, I think those can be excused! Thanks for listening to me in November! Lots of love to my blog readers!


















xoxo

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Mommy?


Do you ever wonder what kind of mother you'll be? The thought occasionally crosses my mind. But I say occasionally in all seriousness because I stopped holding my breathe for a double-lined pee stick quite awhile ago.

So since I don't have any comparison, I look at the care of my very sweet, not-so-little dog.

I embarrass the crap out of her by dressing her up in holiday fun.
I frequently post pictures of her every move on facebook.
I wipe her poopy butt.
I let her sleep in my bed, wedged between us.
I tell stories of her achievements and antics to my friends.
I consider buying her toys a "necessity."
I torture her with lots and lots of pictures.

Yep, I'll be one of those annoying moms. I hope it happens one day because I dearly love my little Sweetpea.


Saturday, November 28, 2009

Floozy Pictures

Today my mother served as the madam of her flock of floozies. hahaha!

One of my favorite pictures as a kid was the old-time tin photo my family took at Sil.verDollar.City in Bran.son. I've always thought we looked a little bit like the pilgrims in fact. You can still see my sister's freckles in the picture as well as my round little four-year-old face. So since we are in the area, we decided to update this shot.

Of course now that we are older and wiser, we thought the appropriate background would be a saloon with floozies and gunslingers! The first costume I put on my husband sent me back to change for one with more cleavage. Boys. The second was this red skirted outfit with black ruffles and just a peek-a-boo of the girls. Perfect! My sister opted for a blue and black lace dress with the perfect little feather adorning her red curls. Mom definitely hit the jackpot in her red and black madam outfit. Hubby and dad both donned gunslinger apparel and sat playing poker. Classic!

How about that family picture? Yep, this one is slightly unconventional.

xoxo

Friday, November 27, 2009

48 hour break!

It's really nice taking a break from thinking constantly about all of this IF crap. Having a house full of family and running around as my husband's minion (aka sous chef) has left me little time to contemplate all the details and crap. Yay! Besides my mini-meltdown on Tuesday, I have been completely infertility free! Yes, that means for 48 hours I have not Dr. Googled anything. I have not thought about flights. I have not thought about failure. I have not thought about anything except getting what's right in front of me done.

My mini-meltdown came from FairyEggs having to get all of her testing done. The tests shouldn't be a big deal, right? These are all of the infectious disease, RH factor, blah, blah, blah. A couple of vials of red stuff and a cervical swab--check, check--done! No, the nurses at her office have to scare the crap out of us by saying it will cost us thousands of dollars. Repeatedly! Usually I just blow it off and understand that it will be just be fine in the end.  This didn't quite happen on Tuesday.  Instead I let myself get worried and then overwhelmed from all of the Thanksgiving shoppers in Trader Joes. As we moved on with our shopping I just felt sick and then absent-minded in mildly confused sort of way which tells me my blood pressure shot through the roof. Both of my parents hugged me, and I managed to calm down a bit.

The next day I just told her to go ahead and go to the clinic and not to worry about it. I think that the nurses were just overstating it since they have nothing to do with the billing and such. Anyway, FairyEggs and I vowed to relax and just go with the simple way in the future. Keep it simple stupid! {laughing at myself}

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Tryptophan

Tryptophan is my friend.

Turkey
Mashed Potatoes
Butternut Squash
Stuffing
Sweet Potatoes
Green Bean Casserole
Corn
Creamed Onions
Hot Rolls
Apple Pie
Whipped Cream
Pumpkin Pie

...all made from scratch. Seriously all I have to say is after all of that delicious food is that....I have a great life.

I love my husband.
I love my family.
I love my dog.
I love my FairyEggs.

Life is good today, and I am thankful.

Happy Turkey Day Blogland!

xoxo

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Oh the places we will go...Part Deux

Well, folks, we have a winner! Can you guess where we are moving?











It snows there.









It's cold.









It's on the west side of the US.










It's not part of the contiguous 48 states.








Do you know yet?









Do ya?






Do  ya?








We're moving to......



Alaska!

xoxo

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Quicky

Just a quick note tonight because today has been a fun but busy day with a visit to St. Louis to include lettuce wraps at PF Changs, Trader Joes, Sams, Target, Petsmart, Pottery Barn, Dillards (with a small IF meltdown in the store) and then the airport to pick up my darling sister! Lots of love to blogland hoping you Americans are getting ready for a kickin turkey day! :)

xoxo

Monday, November 23, 2009

Warm Me Up!

Some of my favorite people came to see me today--the 'rents! Since they are spending their week-long holiday with ME, I get a week full of love, games of cards, good food, laughs, and our holiday monopoly game (you are going down momma!). More to follow on all of the good stuff, but for tonight I leave you with a pic of my new gift from mom--a pie plate! :)  Can't wait to make apple pie in it!


Sunday, November 22, 2009

Introducing....my very own fairy godmother!

Last night I asked FairyEggs to take a stab at writing a guest post for the blog. For any of you ICLWers, FairyEggs is one of my best friends who will be our donor for our cycle in January. I love her dearly and thought it would be fun for you to get a little perspective from her. Without further ado, I give you my very own personal fairy godmother!

*****
Well, I am FairyEggs….I am not as eloquent as J, but want her to have a baby almost as badly as she does.  I feel like this journey has been going on for a very long time for her, all the while I am complaining and whining about my three healthy, beautiful kids to her.  After the last negative test I just sat on my couch and cried for her.  Would she ever know the feeling of holding her child in her arms?  Was there anything I could do for her?  I had already offered to be a surrogate for her.  But obviously that wasn’t the problem.  My husband wasn’t thrilled about the idea that I would be pregnant with someone else’s child, but he was supportive because he knew how much it meant to me.  Then the idea of donor eggs came up while I was talking to her.  I immediately told her I wish that I could help her, but I just didn’t think I could know a biological child of mine was out there. 


I got off of the phone and talked to my husband who shocked the heck out me.  He said he would rather me give my eggs to J than for me to carry her child because you don’t bond with eggs!  He said that I wasn’t using them anymore, so I might as well give them to her.  I thought on that for a while and then realized that I would give her a kidney, so why not my eggs!  Either way it is just sharing a little DNA.  The fact of the matter is DNA doesn’t make you a parent.  It is purely a vehicle with which you make a baby (a beautiful one if I might add).  I thought and thought about it.  I was awake most of the night thinking about it and then came to the conclusion that there was no way I COULDN’T do it.  It took everything I had to not call her at 7 am and tell her.  I had to wait until I got off work at 1 pm to give her the good news. 

J is the very best friend I have ever had in my life.  She is right there with my husband, mother and sister.  I wish we could live next door to each other and complain about our husbands and kids while we drink coffee (or Diet Coke) together.  We may not be around each other everyday, but she is a part of my daily life.  

*****

Isn't she great? Love her!

xoxo

Saturday, November 21, 2009

What kind of question is that?

Dad - You probably don't want to read this one. :)

I forgot to tell you my favorite little tidbit from my acupuncture visit. When I was filling out the lovely doctor's questionnaire, one of the questions was "Are you able to get pregnant? Yes or No"

Well dear doctor, I really have no effing clue. Because here is the deal, I've been shot up with sperm from a glorified turkey baster while I supposedly had six or seven follicles and never got knocked up. Then because I thought it would be fun, I shot myself full of some really expensive [legal] drugs, poked a needle through my ute, and then proceeded to experiment with my eggs not once, but twice....both resulting in a BFN.

So you tell me, Dr. Acupuncture, is it possible that I get pregnant? We're not really sure. However, I'm pretty sure that with my eggs, it is damn near impossible. But with any luck, I might get to try and see if it's possible in January with the help of my dear FairyEggs!

There, take that little check the box question!

And to my fellow bloggers, Happy ICLW!

xoxo

Friday, November 20, 2009

Needles!

Yesterday I was way too excited about our list of future home locations to tell you about my first acupuncture treatment!

The fact that we lived in the middle of nowhere for my first two IVFs meant there wasn't an acupuncturist to be found between my house and the docs 2.5 hours away! Now, although I still live kind of in the middle of nowhere, I have an acupuncturist about five minutes away. Yay!

My acupuncturist/chiropractor definitely has a quack factor about him. I have to say that because I can't really believe that by placing my hand on a silver/purple mouse like attachment connected to a computer can tell me things that I am missing in my diet, what bones in my back need adjustment, and what organs are stressed. But hey, who would think sticking needles in your ears would work either? Anyway, the analysis showed that I need adjustment in my lipotrophic (fat) balance, immune system and small pre/post natal vitamins and norepinephrine adjustments. Additionally the report was able to accurately identify my out-of-place vertebra which shocked the bejeezus out of me! Apparently the device sends electrical signals through the body and based upon the responses it gets it determines what you need. Hmm. I'm not sure what to think of this!

Then we headed into the acupuncture area for ocular (ear) acupuncture. With about twenty needles in my ears, I decided it was a little crowded in that area so I refrained from laying down or scratching. hehehe. Instead I sat and stared at the poster until they came to de-needle me. The sensations that would roll down my arms and legs when they tapped the needle in was pretty darn cool though.

Although I initially went in for just acupuncture, the doctor went ahead and cracked (adjusted) my neck and back. Ah, sigh of relief.

I walked out two hours later and simply felt marvelous! Yay for acupuncture!

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Oh the places we will go...

Part of the fun of the military life is of course finding out where your next home will be. Even though I've lived here for under two months, we already know we'll be moving on in April or May because he is just here for a school. Today we entered the first step in the process as we were given a list of the upcoming vacancies. Surprisingly, our last post wasn't even on the list.

After I got home from my acupuncture appointment (more on that later), my husband ever so nonchalantly handed me a folded up piece of paper. I unfolded it to find military crap listed in a couple of columns. Then after staring at it for a few more seconds, I figured it out. These were the possibilities! Happy dance!

There are so many things to consider for each post: local area, the quality of job opportunities for V, teacher's salaries in the area, cost of living, weather, and for anything over the water, transportation and laws regarding dogs. Some places like Ger.many have crazy hoops to jump through with American Bulldogs....it makes me hesitate for some of the more glamorous places.

Here are the top three on our list of twenty-one possibilities: Alaska, Japan, Italy.... I'm just hoping I get something above number eight on the list! Once we get past that, I'm not very excited. So here we go, throwing the dice to see where we'll go next!

xoxo

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Not Exactly Wordless Wednesday


Sweetpea likes to lick. Specifically, she likes to lick my husband's legs and shaved head. Hubby calls it "paying homage." And yes, she actually will start licking on command when he says this.

Sometimes in the middle of the night, she will get up and lick every inch of his head while he is sleeping. Ew, gross.

So the other night, I walk in to find my husband sleeping and Sweetpea looking at me. . .

All I could think was, "I'm sorry am I interrupting something?"

hahaha. Love my furbaby.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Moving Along

It's a pretty radical change for me to have a fifteen minute phone conversation with my RE instead of driving 2.5 hours each way for my thirty minute appointment. He he he. After finding out that my medical records hadn't arrived because my file was too thick to fax, Dr. Leprechaun and I went over some of my basic medical stats.

Oh, you have high blood pressure? Yes, I know I'm at a higher risk during pregnancy. It's controlled. I don't eat anything with the white death in it!

Do you have any fertility issues in your family? No? That sucks because you're thirty-three. Yes, I agree.

Thankfully, my medical records were sent last week and should be arriving any day now in LA. The list of tests for hubby and I that needs have all been done within the last six months.  Also, FairyEggs will be having a discussion about her medical history and other things with him tomorrow.

We're also on the books for hubby's sperm donation in December during his break. I decided to just use this as an excuse to get back to California for a visit! I've been really wanting to go to Disneyland (a little strange for me) and also get some fabulous Korean food. The tickets are purchased!

So things are moving along albeit in a strange no-appointment way!

xoxo

Monday, November 16, 2009

Origins of my Title

Someone asked me the other day how I came up with the title of my blog. Well, the origins of my title are pretty simple. As most of you know, my husband is in the Army. We started working with our Louisiana RE about four months before my husband deployed to the sandbox. I originally thought that we would just have to pause our treatments until SuperNurse told me that we could freeze a bunch of samples and keep going! We were ecstatic.

If you have spent any time around military communities, you know that gossip spreads faster than butter. With my husband in a command position, I was a hot topic with the QueenBee. This of course made me laugh my ass off as I have never had much interest in cashing in on my husband's position because I had a life and successes of my own! Maybe I've just never thought of him as that imposing of a figure as I usually meet all sorts of people who far outrank him. Small fish in a big pond.

The point of this is that my husband and I thought it would be damn funny if I got knocked up when he was away. You know, people can count. They would know that I didn't get knocked up when he was still home. They would know that he hadn't come home for leave. Du, du, duh....they could draw their own conclusions! lol. I would be knocked up by another man!

Of course, I was naive enough to think that it would actually happen when he was away.

Incidentally, I chose "knocked up" because that's how I chose to tell my grandma about the IUIs and IVFs. She's still laughing that those words came out of my mouth to her. :)

And there you have it folks!

xoxo

Sunday, November 15, 2009

ing with a plan

Part of arranging this whole crazy upcoming cycle is simply logistics. While I wait anxiously for my phone call on Tuesday to review my history and decide on any more necessary testing, I have been mulling over certain plans. Today's question is how to I get the sperm to the lab in LA?

Hubby's training class requires that he not miss more than a couple of hours at most or he risks being recycled into the next class. So taking off in January for a fresh sample on egg retrieval day is certainly out. I imagine that we can either a) fly out during the winter vacation and donate it at the clinic; or b) drive up to St. Louis and have a local clinic process and then send the sample to LA via some fancy service.

Option A sounds much easier except for the fact that hubby really wants to visit his sister in New Hampshire. Since he hasn't seen her before his deployment, I really want to make this happen. It happens that she and her husband are also great, so I want to see them too! So we'd have to fly to LA with nice xmas time fares, board the dog, and then turn around and drive up to see her.

Option B just sounds a little strange to me and more complicated in that another clinic will have to be involved.

Neither option is really that big of a deal in the scope of this upcoming cycle. Either way, a little frozen sample with some ICSI will take care of the fertilization. But at the same time, it's something to figure out. Even though I would love to go to New Hampshire and go skiing and drive down to Boston for some sightseeing (never been there!), our focus is of course to get everything set up for the cycle.

I just really have been jonesing to get out and go on a vacation where hubby and I can do some things together! Whaaa, right? Yep, I know that all of our funds are in the future-baby-sector. All of our time off is similarly focused. But these things percolate around in my brain from day to day, and I find myself wishing for vacation simply to escape my thoughts. However, a vacation will not make the incessant baby-making chatter disappear in my head! A girl can dream though!

xoxo

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Wonderful Day

This morning my hubby rolled over and tried to shake me awake. I don't think I moved a muscle. But eventually I dragged my behind out of bed and threw on a baseball cap so we could go pick up trash! An association he joined last week has an adopted highway mile so we went out to help the local chapter do their quarterly cleanup. As much as trash pickup doesn't sound exactly glorious, I felt productive and helpful. It was nice to be social and meet some of hubby's classmates anyway. We went and gorged ourselves afterwards at Honkey Bucket which was de-lish!

Three days until my next phone conversation! Whoohoo!

Friday, November 13, 2009

Nope

I'm strangely insulted that I apparently did not get the job. What's funny is that I didn't even really want it because it would cause me a lot of stress come January. So I'm a little surprised at myself that I feel miffed! After all, this is the first job I've ever not gotten! (Snot, I know!) How could you not want me? I may not be able to get knocked up, but I'm a fantastic teacher! lol. However, the biggest part of me is relieved because now I can happily sub and teach my online classes!

So on this note, let me celebrate this good news with the fact that this is my 100th post! Whoohoo!

xoxo

update: yeah, I'm over it!

Thursday, November 12, 2009

FairyEggs is a Go!

Yesterday, I called Dr. L's office to see if he had a chance to review FairyEgg's results. When he called, he first said that she wouldn't be a good choice but then turned the page and changed his mind with her nice antral follicle count! Her blood tests were borderline with her E2 level at 50.1 when they were looking for below 50. Her FSH was a 9.6 which was slightly under the 10 maximum they will accept. However they usually want at least eight antral follicles, and she had thirteen! Yes, her follies are definitely our over-achievers here! So, happily we have FairyEggs green-lighted for our cycle!

This morning I faxed off my record request to Dr. S so that we can be ready to go on Tuesday when Dr. L calls me to go over my history. Incidentally, Dr. S was delighted to hear of our good fortune for this cycle. He's so great. :)

In other news, I interviewed for a third grade teaching position at the school across the street from me. As nice as the principals are, I am kind of hoping that I don't get the job. I know that sounds strange, but the vice-principal told me that I could probably sub everyday somewhere in the school district if I wanted. With an up-coming cycle, this might actually work out better for me. I could be busy but not stressed when I needed to take off time. We'll see!

xoxo

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Service

The service of our veterans is something I never really connected with until I married a soldier. The men and woman I have met through this time have been an impressive example of people who understand what being an American means. The love and honor of our country is not some intangible idea but rather something they sacrifice their lives for. Sacrifice comes in many forms through the daily pounding of their bodies during physical training to long years away from their friends, families, and life. I know families who have had their soldier pay the ultimate price of their lives and others who sacrifice seeing their children take their first steps or lose their front teeth. All soldiers and their families sacrifice parts of themselves for our freedom. They stand on the wall for us so that we don't have to.

These experiences have made me think about what it would have been like for my mom's dad, who served during World War II and was on the second wave behind the marines on Iwo Jima. What part of himself did he sacrifice for this country? Was it his innocence? Was it this experience that defined him as a man of principle? Is this what turned him into the gentle giant I remember? I think of him when I look at men of his age who proudly wear their veteran's hats and wish he was still here.

In the mix of all of the politics and media, today I think of all of the men and women who have served our country in the military. I think of them and appreciate that they are strong enough Americans to endure what they do.

Happy Veterans Day.

xoxo

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Got News?

Nope!

I did have a great day shopping though! Fellow blogger and military wife and I joined up for a nice day of shopping. Christmas is definitely in the air since the sales and music are in full-blast mode. I managed to scoop up some long-sleeve shirts, a set of PJs, t-shirts for V and a couple of presents for my favorite boys. Between a gyro and frozen custard, I had a great food day too!

FairyEggs and I are anxiously waiting for news from Dr. Leprechaun. Hopefully he'll call tomorrow and put us out of our misery!

xoxo

Monday, November 9, 2009

Mission Possible?

Our mission? To get FairyEgg's FSH, E2, and antral follicle count set up and completed today. The problems? No doctor's orders and no response from the clinic we want to monitor at in FairyTown. {cue music}

One overly concerned nurse.
One discarded idea for using doctor's office.
Two coordinating clinics.
Three fax machines.
One non-functioning fax machine.
One efficient coordinator.
One credit card number.
Five phone calls with FairyEggs.
Seven phone calls with the clinics.
One last minute babysitter.
Success!

The clinic managed to squeeze FairyEggs in late this afternoon for her tests which was fan-freaking-tastic! Otherwise, we would have had to wait until next month to even see if she would be a viable donor. The doctor saw around thirteen resting follicles which he said was above-average for thirty-three. Whoo! Tomorrow they will fax the results to my clinic in LA. Hopefully Dr. Leprechaun thinks her results are good enough to proceed.

xoxo

Sunday, November 8, 2009

PVED

Amongst my many hours of searching on the internet, I came across the Parents via Egg Donation website. After reading an article on how egg donation is a taboo subject despite in-vitro becoming more commonplace, I found it interesting to find a group of people who have this unique perspective. Since they have members who are going through egg donation, are currently pregnant, and are raising children, they really cover the scope of issues which helps! I'm getting excited!

xoxo

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Wind

My mind, emotions, and even house have been caught up in a whirlwind since this last cycle. Today I think it stopped beating me up. 


Having Fairy Eggs volunteer to help is simply one of the most lovely things I have ever had happen to me. The gratitude I feel towards her is from the bottom of my heart. My heart is filled with love and friendship towards someone who has been there for me since my freshman year of college. While of course we have had our ups and downs, she has always been a constant. And in one of my darkest moments when I couldn't see any light, she brought some to me. She brought light to my future.


At the same time I feel guilty. I feel guilt that she will have to subject her body that she has whipped into shape to bloating and discomfort. I feel bad that her kids lives will be disrupted for the week she's gone. I feel guilty that she'll really miss them during that time. I feel bad that even with a great babysitter to help out that her husband will have his hands full during that time. I feel bad that she has to pull her IUD out soon and go back to condoms! The list goes on. 


I know that she is willing to do all of this for me, and it is irrational to worry about things I can not control. But at the same time, I feel unworthy of what she is willing to do for me. 


Feeling this guilt made me have serious doubts as to whether or not we could pull this donor egg cycle off. Thinking about the logistics started to overwhelm me a little. Then the news about Dr. Leprechaun offering his services came. While part of me was dancing inside, the other part was swirling. Too much stuff I guess.


And at the heart of the matter, I think I was and still am really scared. I'm not new to this IVF game. We have gambled and lost. After this last cycle, I was really despairing. Those of you have been there know how the anger and sadness swirl together into a confusing mess that literally feels like your heart is hurting. When I saw a fellow Blogger's donor cycle start to falter with young, young eggs, I wondered if I knew what I was getting into. Because despite all of the good signs, there are still no guarantees. If the heartache gets worse with every cycle, I will have a hard time climbing out of the depths this time. This is what makes me scared.


But today, I think the whirlwind of all these emotions stopped. 


Sometime this morning, I pulled out my inner Dorothy, slipped into my shoes and pulled myself together. I'm not perfect, but I am surrounded by people who love me, support me, and are willing to help. I need to suck it up and focus on the reason they are doing this for me. Instead of worrying about the details and planning, I need to just be confident in myself because these are things I am good at! I need to appreciate the opportunity for what it is--another chance to try.


So now, now I'm going to get on with it. Hugs to all of you who read and support me! 


xoxo







Friday, November 6, 2009

Preoccupied

I have been so preoccupied with waiting to find out the good news of yesterday that I have completely avoided doing the work I needed to get done this week.

Today I am suppose to clean the house, but since I put off grading my large projects for my online university class, I have been doing that all day instead! Oh well, the house will keep. Nothing looks dirty anyway! {cringe}

So instead of having a nice clean house today, I have a sore butt. The sore butt comes from sitting in the upright position all day at the kitchen table so I can assess multicultural scenarios and child development presentations. I couldn't very well sit on the couch. You know what happens when I sit on the couch and haven't had any caffeine! Naps!

Sigh, I know it's a rough life....! {evil grin}

Incidentally, my groin (not a pretty word) muscles and shins are also sore from the jog I decided to take on the treadmill the other day.

I don't tell you this to complain but rather to illustrate how low I have sunk. I would much rather spend hours dr. googling away or looking at adoption agencies....or ooh, the miracleswaiting website...donor egg groups...contracts for donor eggs...aaaah! Before I know it, the day has passed by without any of my items getting done. This is what I have done all week. Obsessed and preoccupied!

So today I have to resolve that next week I will not while away the hours with searching. Really, I won't! :)

xoxo

Thursday, November 5, 2009

My Pot of IF Gold

Yes, today I fell into my personal pot of infertility gold. At the moment, I am so amazed at my good fortune, I feel like I'm doing backstrokes through the gold coins with my lucky leprechaun standing by ready to hand me my pomegranate juice.

Because of a family connection, we have become the recipients of a cycle in which the RE will be donating his services to us.

Donating.

To.

Us.

After a five minute phone consultation with him this afternoon, he definitely thinks we should head towards donor eggs. Since FairyEggs is of the advanced maternal age of 33, {evil cackle} Dr. Leprechaun says she is not the ideal candidate. That kind of made me laugh because I can't think of many people that I would prefer to have donate. It made FairyEggs feel old, which she obviously is not! We will be having FairyEggs get her Day 3 FSH, estradiol, and resting antral follicle count from a local clinic. With AF coming soon for her, we should know the deets pretty soon. With this info in hand, Dr. Leprechaun says we can be headed towards our cycle in January.

Whoohoo!

Financially we will be responsible for the anesthesiologist ($575), fertility drugs (@$4k), and a few minor things. At the end, we should be at less than $6k.

We certainly never saw this coming. Since Friday night when we found out about the possibility, I think I have been holding my breath.

I'm very excited for my hubby to get home so I can share the news with him! Yes, I'm a bad wife and told you first!

Cheers and cartwheels!

xoxo

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

caffeine

I have really been enjoying my caffeine lately. Yep, right after the BFN, I went and ordered a large diet coke. Yum, yum. Loved every drop too. However since our IF direction is unclear right now, I've been severely limiting my intake to desperate times.

These desperate times are pretty pathetic right now. Since I am only teaching my online university classes, I really don't have any schedule I must adhere to. Hmm. That means when I wake up in the morning, eat my cereal and let the dog out, I usually sit down on the coach and get very sleeeepy. Since I am under no pressure, I simply give in and enjoy my delicious nap.

In order for me to actually wake up at a reasonable time, I have to give in to the siren call of caffeine. After all of these years, I still don't really enjoy coffee except for an iced-non-fat latte with a splen.da from Star*bucks. So the only option is a nice sugary coke from my husband's stash. The sugar is a double-bonus since we've stopped buying anything like that.

So with everything up in the air, do I stay away from caffeine? Do I start the crazy healthy diets that have been driving other IF bloggers nutzo? Do I finally go to an acupuncturist now that I have access to one? Does any of this stuff really make a difference? Help me, oh blogger friends!

xoxo

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Tub


Can I go hide in the bathtub too?


Monday, November 2, 2009

Favorite holiday coming soon!

September and November are my very favorite months of the year.  September brings the cool-down from summer heat, apples, new pencils and of course my birthday. However November is what I look forward to most because of fall leaves, turkey, and pumpkins wrapped up in Thanksgiving!

Sandwiched between Halloween and Christmas, two holidays I didn't celebrate growing up, Thanksgiving was the big family holiday to enjoy. Most holidays we celebrated, people had no idea what they were. But Turkey day was something I could enjoy without any explanation.

So today I sit on my tremendously comfy couch, anticipating the upcoming holiday. My parents and sister are flying in for most of the week since hubby will have the most limited schedule out of all of us. I love love love that my family will take the time and trouble to fly out to see me. I have been contemplating things to do during the week along with a fabulous menu for the big day and probably several days after. I can't wait to eat the leftover pumpkin pie for breakfast with absolutely no guilt!

In the meantime, I am tirelessly devoting myself to Dr. Google in continuing to evaluate my IF and adoption options. While I am pretty sure that we will be doing a donor cycle or something to that effect, I want to evaluate some of the adoption agencies so I'll be prepared in case it doesn't work out.

Around my birthday, I lauded this year as my lucky 33rd year. After the disappointment of this last negative IVF cycle, I feel like I have been adrift in knowing what to do next. And yet, there have been some really good things happening at the same time. FairyEgg's offer to help started this off. Now, another amazing offer has hit the table that might allow me to cycle in LA while staying with my family. While I don't have all the details yet, I'll be having a phone consultation with an RE out there on Thursday.

Stay tuned!

xoxo

Sunday, November 1, 2009

nablopomo

I dared to join nablopomo today! This crazy word stands for National Blog Posting Month where people commit to blogging everyday. Blogging seems to keep me sane so it's not really a trial or anything to do so. It's kinda of neat finding all of these blogging enclaves that I had no idea about! So be warned, you're getting a lot of me this month!

xoxo

Saturday, October 31, 2009

good day + a ray of hope

Yep, I had a date today! A blogger date! I can kind of be shy when I first meet someone IRL, so I was a little nervous to meet Mrs Pave! She's one of those people who you feel like you have known forever once you get chatting. Talking about the fun of IF, being married to military men, teaching...while eating a little Mexican food made for a really good day. Since we both have flexible schedules, we're going to hit some shopping a little later this week. Yippee!

Is it really Halloween today? I wouldn't know since my hubby wanted to be the Halloween grinch this year. We turned our light off.  Gasp! Yep, we were those people this year. It was probably much better for my mental health anyway!

There is a ray of hope that I'm daring to get slightly excited about in the IF ring. Might this be another piece of the puzzle coming together? ...keep all of your appendages crossed!

Happy Halloween!

xoxo

Thursday, October 29, 2009

The comfy horse...

Our merry-go-round was a little merrier today. The financial coordinator at my Louisiana RE's office called me back today with the estimate of what the donor egg cycle. Let's just say that they don't have any extra charges besides the tests required by the FDA which will cost, wait for it, $459. In addition, I will need to contact a lawyer to draw up our contract.

My lovely clinic does not split the cycle and charge independently for FairyEgg's treatment and my treatment. They don't squeeze me for every possible dime (or possibly penny) in my pocket. They don't charge a $7800 administrative fee! Yay!

Granted, I know that my doctor is probably one of the most reasonable in the entire United States. In fact the coordinator told me that he hasn't raised his rates in five years since he opened up the clinic. Seriously? Tell me that his focus isn't helping people! I get it, it's a business. I certainly hope he makes a reasonable profit because he works very hard! But at the same time, as a patient, I respect him for his perspective. It kind of restores my faith in people.

So, it looks like we've taken a step closer. We're going to wait for a Day 3 test for FairyEggs sometime this month. Soon I will need to talk to the nurse and figure out how to coordinate and lump together as many tests as possible to keep FairyEggs from flying down there as much as possible. She is a complete trooper about all of this because she's willing to endure the flying and needles that she is none too fond of. At least we will be taking the comfy horse route and going with people I know! I can't wait for her to write some guest blogs!

I'm also really happy that FairyEggs' Mom (whom I adore) will be coming down for the fun during the monitoring and egg retrieval. She'll definitely help keep FairyEggs calm and more relaxed during the process.

In other news, I dyed my hair a bright red color and changed up the style a bit. Red and fun! Maybe it's a girl thing, but there is something so refreshing about doing something new with the hair.  It's certainly helped me feel better and gain a little tiny itty-bitty piece of perspective.

xoxo

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

merry-go-round

Roller-coaster? Tight-rope? Space Mountain? Today I've decided I'm on a merry-go-round. Why you ask? Because on a merry-go-round, you not only spin in futile circles, but you also go up and down on your little horse! That's pretty much me in a nutshell right now. I know, I know....I have been very aware of my craziness lately. It's because I'm really without a plan, spinning in a circle. As my family knows, I'm pretty much only happy when I have a plan. Until I have a plan, I am in full research mode making the effing plan! So here is a list of the horses that are swirling around in my head:




  • The shiny pink horse (aka donor egg cycle with known donor) - My donor, FairyEggs, lives very close to a medical center where a friend of my current RE works. Yesterday I made the appointment for a consultation with Dr.M in a couple of weeks and also asked to speak to the financial coordinator. She wasn't in, but she called me with all of the financial goodies! Oh yay! Come to find out, a known donor cycle there still incurs a $7800 administrative fee at that clinic! Which would make a grand total of $19,304 + meds + some additional testing. Hmm. That doesn't really fit into my responsible budgeting. 
  • The comfy horse - Bite the bullet and drag FairyEggs across the country to my current RE back in Louisiana. This would mean lots of time in a hotel. Also FairyEggs would have to be away from her FairyKiddos for quite awhile which is very hard for her. So right now, I'm waiting for their financial coordinator to call me to let me know how much a donor egg cycle would run there. Since the laws in Louisiana are different, I'm hoping for a better price and the comfort of working with people I know. 
  • The shady green horse - Called Shady Grove Fertility to get the pricing for their shared risk, shared donor and also the shared risk donor programs. Wow, they really bring the price down by sharing donors cycles! What is more impressive is that they put their money where their mouth is and offer 100% refunds for their shared risk program. They also work well with out-of-town patients and have what looks like a well-oiled plan to reduce travel times. Might be worth pursuing.
  • The frozen horse - Embryo Adoption/Donation. Yes, you have heard me rant about this in my previous post, but it is still an option as I might find someone willing to privately donate their embies if they are done growing their family. 
  • The red horse with stars - Adoption. A fellow blogger pointed me a direction of a very reasonable domestic infant adoption program. They contacted me within an hour of my request and were very straightforward. For this though, we would really need to wait until we moved. :( Ugh.
These are all the fun things spinning around in my head. Of course my hormonal ups and downs are keeping life fun too. Good thing my husband loves me! :) 

xoxo

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Appointments and More!


Everyday seems like it brings on tears and excitement all wrapped up into one very emotionally charged wife.

Excitement comes from the fact that today I scheduled appointments for my new primary care doctor, my new RE, and my new hairstylist. Whoo! The best appointment news by far was that I get to see my new RE in two weeks. My egg donor and I will be going in together to discuss my history and the new plan and have the initial consultation. I am relieved to know that it is in just two weeks because I waited about three months for my initial referral and consultation with Dr. S.

Last night and today I did a lot of research on embryo adoption that mainly come from the leftover embryos that couples donate for other couples. I have been really amazed that going this direction would still cost about 5k.  While certain expenses are completely understandable, I'm a little disgusted with the companies because they make more work than is legally necessary in requiring a home-study. I get why donating parents might want a home-study done, but for those that don't? Why is being required? Having a baby seems to be just more business for a lot of places than anything. Call me idealistic, but I don't think having a baby should be all about money.

The tears came today when my hubby came home, and I told him my 'exciting' news about the consult. He reacted to the news by asking what was the point in me flying down there. I can understand him wanting to know why this visit is necessary and trying to clump as many appointments together as possible to reduce traveling costs. However, I took it quite badly because he was being his usual loud Italian self. Of course, I went on the defensive and ended up bursting into tears and curling into a ball on our bed. We worked it out in the end, but what it comes down to is that...I do not ask the same questions that he does. When Dr. S. tells me to schedule a consultation for me and my egg donor--I do that! I assume it is necessary. Hubby wants to know why, what's going to happen, and how often I'll need to go down there. The tears just came because I'm walking on an emotional high-wire and keep falling off!

Hope all is well in blogland!

xoxo

Monday, October 26, 2009

Sincerity Award


This award has to go to two of my favorite bloggers:
ASP and Hope4joy 
because they are delightfully sincere
and
I'm sure they would dig this shoe!

Bat-Chit Crazy!

Looking over my blogs from the last week I seriously think I'm bat-chit crazy. Up and down doesn't even really describe what I have been feeling. From all of the changes, I feel like I've been riding on Space Mountain--flying through the dark with random bright lights appearing. It makes me feel ashamed of myself in a way like I should be stronger and more in control.

I know that all the craziness will subside...I just gotta get there.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Phone Call with RE

This morning I woke up to a phone call from my doctor. First, he apologized for waking me up. Like I'm going to complain that my doctor returned my phone call on a Sunday at 9:30 when my lazy self was lounging in bed! I'm just glad he got back to me so quickly!

He started off with a discussion that although the percentage of success is probably around 20% for my eggs, we could keep pursuing that if we wanted. I quickly stopped that train of thought because I am much past the emotional heartbreak that my eggs keep giving us.

Then he started explaining the logistics of donor eggs and the laws in Louisiana. Did you know that in Louisiana, it is illegal for a donor to be compensated for their "donation"? I was quite surprised when I had first learned this through an article on google. Although a lot of countries don't allow egg donation for compensation, it is quite a lucrative business in the U.S. with donor fees alone running between 5-10k.

Anyway, when I explained our situation with moving and the donor, he said that he was sure that he could find someone more convenient for us than trying to travel back to Louisiana.

He assured me that my donor information sounded good. Moreover, even though he didn't have someone right off the top of his head in Missouri, he does have a good friend who practices where my donor lives. I haven't found too many good things about two of the clinics where she lives but apparently the third clinic is where his colleague works. He told me he had tried to lure her away from her current practice many times to become a partner with him! That in and by itself is a great indication of her quality.

What I most appreciated about our discussion is that he is not just leaving me to the wolves even though we have moved out of the area. I feel he has our best interests at heart. As such, he's going to call his colleague to talk to her about us and double check the clinic's statistics before he sends us that direction. He also told me that I could call or email him anytime with questions even when we are working with another doctor if we had concerns. I think that's pretty awesome.

**********

kreative-blogger1.jpg

Also, I must say thanks to Liberal Granola Girl and Khiara for my nomination for the Kreativ Blogger Award! As per the rules, here are the seven things you don't know about me:

1. My husband and I met in a country bar in Korea.
2. I hate cake, but love pie and cookies.
3. I would rather buy dog toys than jewelry. (I just lose it anyway! Eek!)
4. I'm the only person in the south who prefers unsweet tea to sweet tea (sugary sludge, I tell you!)
5. My first year of marriage, I lived with my sister. lol
6. I never wanted to be a teacher. hahaha
7. Right now I should be grading papers but am instead blogging!

Have a great day!

xoxo

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Crabby with Unexpected Good Things


The rant:
With the advent of AF coming, I have been feeling incredibly cranky and crampy. That's pretty strange for me, but considering I just had a truck-full of fertility meds dumped into my body, it's understandable. The most irritating part is the constant headache that accompanies me as my hormone levels have dropped. It's pretty much like a big kick in the face. Hey, you just got a BFN and now what do you get, a chitty weekend! Congratulations! And hey, hubby, your wife who spent a day crying, a day and a half glued to her computer researching adoption, is now a BFWitch! LOL. Urg. Okay, the pity party is done.

The excitement of the day:
When V and I were walking Sweetpea, we saw one of my favorite insects--a walking stick!




The update: 
After our conversation about using donor eggs, I have been looking through many many websites looking at the different costs of using an anonymous donor. What it comes down to is about an extra 10k for the agency fee, donor payment, legal fees, insurance, etc. Wow. Scary price.

Of course I also thought about using donor eggs from somebody we know. But how the hell do you ask someone, "Hey, would you mind sticking yourself with a bunch of needles, bloat yourself up, and become best friends with a dildo cam, so that you can hand over some of your genetic material so I can procreate?" Hmm. That would be a fun conversation.

I would dearly love to use my sister (who freely offered) as a donor so that it would have some of the family genes, but as she is my older sister, it's probably not the best choice. I love her to pieces for offering though.

There are other cousins, who I have thought about asking over the past few days, but I've just been unsure about the whole thing.

So when I was talking about the whole situation with a friend, she confessed that there was no way she could ever do it. Her initial reaction was that it would be "her" child. How could you be friends with someone knowing they had your child? I could totally understand where she was coming from. So let's say I was blown away when she called me back the next day and said, "I can't stop thinking about it." After talking it over, she came to the realization that she wouldn't have that attachment....

OMG, my husband just came and rubbed my shoulders for a few minutes...sigh.

....in an inappropriate way. If she loved my child, it wouldn't much different than the fact that she loved them because they were mine. When she told me this, I literally could not respond because I burst into tears that came straight out of my heart. I can't think of much better, for my kids to have the genes of someone I know and love. Wouldn't that make it more special? We also have a lot of the same physical characteristics which would make it neat.

So while there is a lot to still be figured out, I am amazed that I have such wonderful friends and family. I shouldn't be amazed but I am because such a gift is something incredible.

xoxo

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Hit the Brakes!

That's the screech of the Let's-Have-a-Cini-Baby Plan you hear! Perhaps we (I) were too hasty in announcing our plans to the world and my family and my friends.  So now what you are hearing is our discussion of what we might do. 

Today V and I went shopping at an outlet mall about an hour from our house. Between the lack of weekday traffic and constant rain, we pretty much had the place all to ourselves. That's my kind of shopping! So is it strange that V bought more than I did? Of course, I cracked a joke when we walked by the maternity store saying "Yay, now I don't have to buy a new wardrobe!" I laughed. V looked at me like I was nuts! I also passed on the beautiful, shiny purse that sucked me in at the C.oach store. Yep, I'm happiest with sweats, fun and comfy shoes, and a pretty purse.

At lunch, V told me he was rethinking things. But first you have to understand that my husband literally NEVER changes his mind. It took me a good year of dating him to convince him that khakis were not the enemy. So anything that changes is usually with me pointing out  something over a long, long period of time. 

So as we were talking about home-studies, V explained that the information I gave him about donor eggs had sunk in more. We talked more about the details and decided to put donor eggs back on the table with adoption.  

Hopefully tomorrow we will be having a discussion with Dr. S about the next step. Then some more thinking about whether or not we will switch to a closer clinic now that we have moved, donor eggs....lots of stuff! 

Thanks for all of your support over the last few days. 

xoxo

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Hold onto your panties, we're changing course!

Welcome to any ICLW readers! You can catch up on my details by scanning the right hand side boxes.

I must say that I was delusional to think I would feel like commenting during this month's round of ICLW. After my BFN on IVF#2, I'm not really in the frame of mind to leave comments. Well certainly not many comments that people would actually like to read!

Typically during my IF treatments, I knew what was coming next, or at least, what was coming after a BFN...the next IUI, waiting for cysts to vamos, waiting for my husband to come home from the sandbox, and then it was IVF and then IVF round 2, moving, blah, blah, blah. But if IVF#2 failed, I didn't really have a plan. I think that was the hardest part of yesterday. I couldn't just pick myself up and start planning the next treatment because I didn't know what it would be. And that, that is how I have gotten through these treatments without going crazy.

So what comes next?

When he called to tell us the news, Dr. Storment mentioned yesterday the next cycle would probably need to be donor eggs.  Hmmm.

Thought about it.
Talked to V about it.
For us, this is where we stood.

Donor Eggs: Pros -I would still get to carry the baby and the baby could have some of V's quirks(!). Cons: an extra 10k above the cost of in-vitro and still no guarantees.

So then I thought about embryo adoption. Pros: quick turnaround, lower cost, still get to carry the baby Cons: still no guarantees.

I put the money factor in because I like to be fiscally responsible. For me, I feel better about life if I work with the money I have instead of taking on debt. So any option we choose has to work within a budget. At the same time, what is the point of having money in the bank and no one crawling around on my living room floor? So appropriately for a Libra, I try to balance the financial aspect and the desire for a child.

So we contemplated all of this and decided we were done with all of the above.

Truthfully, I feel so relieved.

I probably won't feel as relieved in a few months when we're working on our homestudy. Yes, you heard me right. Hold on to your panties, we are headed towards adoption.

What it boiled down to was that we want to have a baby as soon as possible. With V having two steps into the forties, we want a path that's more definitive for us.

I think this is what is right for us.

I hope my blogger friends stay with me as we change courses. I still look forward to cheering you on through your treatments and through the many babies that are on the way. The adoption path is not easy, and I hope to have your support on it.

xoxo

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

The fat lady sang.

Well the fat lady sang me a big BFN this afternoon.

I wasn't surprised because FirstResponse told me it was a negative this morning when I woke up.

I haven't even really cried except a few tears here and there. I'm just absolutely effing pissed.

The anger and tears are roiling up inside me that this is the hand we have been dealt.

Monday, October 19, 2009

POAS (aka pee on a stick)

The EPT test has four little lines that make up the thicker line. A positive is a plus sign and a negative a minus sign.

So, yesterday my test had one of the four lines making the plus sign. Yay right? I thought today there might be more. But, and there is always a but, today there were none. Just the minus sign was there. So...I don't anticipate good news tomorrow for my Beta. We'll see.

xoxo

Friday, October 16, 2009

**Warning** Couples Retreat

After writing my last post about how quickly the 2ww wait was passing quickly, it stopped moving quite so fast. Pretty much my goal has been to make it through the day without taking two naps. One is okay. Two is just lazy. So, since a girl has to keep busy, my honey and I went to go see the movie "Couples Retreat". 

Seeing the previews, I expected to laugh and enjoy myself completely. I did laugh a lot, but I also cried and I'm not really a movie crier. Why you ask? Without giving anything away, let me tell you. The one couple wants to go to the resort because they are thinking about getting divorced. Here's the best part. The reason they are considering it is because they have been in the infertile game for twelve months and it has taxed their marriage to the point where they don't have fun together anymore. Um yeah, that's a ball of laughs. Really. 

Part of the movie made me cry, simply because the pent up frustration and fears that I have had about infertility. A week or so ago, while we sat at Waffle House {nice and intimate place for this discussion}, I asked my hubby if he would ever leave me because of this. Yes, I was under the influence of hormonal drugs. At the same time though, this is certainly one of my fears. We got married later in life and I presume that part of the reason is because he wanted to have a family. So, I think this is a valid question.

He looked at me like I had grown two heads and said something to this effect:
He loved me.
He didn't marry my ovaries or my uterus.
He married me because he wanted a partner in life, someone to share it with.

One thing that I have always loved about my husband is that he takes his commitment to me seriously. He's had enough time to live the bachelor life and enjoy it, but now he wants (and has) more. I like a man who knows what he wants. And despite all the crap that we are going through, he wants me.

I think that infertility can break a relationship or help it to grow stronger. You certainly don't want it to grow stronger in this way, but the fact is that it can. I thank whatever higher power is out there that I have him in my life.  He makes me a better person. He's taught me how to stick and work through things together. Infertility is one of those things on our journey that is hard.

At the point, I would really love to go wherever the movie was filmed. I know it's not really cold here, but living in Louisiana has made me a complete wimp. I also have a complete lack of winter clothing except for the jackets {since I'm a jacket-wh-ore!}.

Keep warm wherever you are and be prepared if you go see this movie! Also thanks hope4joy and ASP for the lovely award. Love it!









Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Tired. 5dp3dt

A lot has changed in my scenery in the last few days.

The day after my bed-rest was over, my hubby and I packed up our vehicles one last time and hit the road for Missouri. My husband is an absolute monster who can drive twelve hours with two stops for gas and coffee. As a smart guy, he didn't expect me to do the same. {evil grin} So I slugged through the twelve hours, without caffeine and with the dog in my car. My saving grace was my family and best friend who talked to me when I started wandering off onto the rumble strips. Note, my dog jumps straight up and panics when she hears that sound.  I guess it works for more than just the two legged.

Now once again, I must say that I love my husband. Seriously, the man had half the house already unpacked. In the three days since, we've (the term used loosely) managed to unpack the other half, organize the things we're not unpacking, stock the fridge, get my fingerprints done for a background check, buy a sweet kitchen table, a new coffee and side tables, sweet-talk a pharmacy tech into expediting my blood pressure medication...whew, I'm tired just writing about it. Why am I so tired? I have no freaking clue because I've been resting at every opportunity and directing traffic from the couch.

It is grrrrreat to have my comfy belongings back and be out of the effing hotel room! Having a nice home cooked meal after three weeks of roughing it on salad bars, subway, and more and more restaurants meals is also such a relief. I was also relieved to see that the injectable induced bloating weight has dropped off. Yay for the little things!

The last time I went through this, I spent almost the full two weeks laying on the couch, gently walking my dog, and watching lots of TV. This time, I've handled it differently and it has certainly made the time pass faster. I actually have to look up how many days post transfer it is....that's a little strange right? Yep, we are at 5dp3dt. One of the fun things about moving right now is that I have to figure out where I can get a beta test done. So to add to the fun, I get to go to some strange place. This time, I certainly plan on using the POAS method. When can I test using one of those?

Until next time!

xoxo

Saturday, October 10, 2009

The (sad) irony

To add to my week of being shocked, this morning I woke up to a text from a teacher I worked with last year. One of my students is pregnant. As common as this would if I taught high school, the thing is that I teach on the elementary side.  So that makes the girl desperately young and unprepared for the reality of what just happened.

How ironic is it that a twelve year old girl will get pregnant when it's definitely not the right time, and a thirty-three year old can not get knocked up for the life of her?

What makes me even more sad about the situation is that she has no guidance whatsoever. She often sends me messages asking basic life advice. It kills me. I spent all of last year convincing her that dropping out of school at sixteen was not a plan that would work well for her.

It's just sad.

As for me, my bed rest is almost up. We are actually leaving Louisiana tomorrow morning and driving up to our new place in Missouri.

I remember when I first came here, I was not a huge fan of Louisiana living although I just figured it was a new experience for us. But over the last couple of years, I have come to really appreciate  the culture, the laid back lifestyle, and people who are friendly for no reason! Even more, I will miss our first house that my husband and I shared for the first few years of our marriage.

On to the next adventure.....

xoxo

Friday, October 9, 2009

The suckers are in!

Thank you so much for all the lovely comments over the past week. I really have had no hope over the past few days, so I was surprised to find myself slapped with better and better news each day. I say slapped because I felt shock with every turn in fortune.

At the transfer, the relief on the staff's faces was apparent when we talked about the development of the embryos. The embryologist told me today that they had caught up to where they should be on day three. Seriously, that was pretty unbelievable news. 

Moreover, I actually had two to put in. After the week we've had, I would have been happy to have one. But to have two, that is a flat out miracle.

I am unbelievably grateful to be able to have a 2ww this time. That's not to say I won't be freaking crazy with impatience to find out the results, but for today, I just feel lucky.

So ladies and gentlemen, the suckers are in! And now, I will be staying in bed for the next 48 hours...I'm sure you'll hear from me. :D

xoxo

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Seriously

Now there are two.

The one from this morning is dividing.
Another one decided to wake up and the DNA combined.

Seriously...!

xoxo

**Transfer is schedule for tomorrow at 9:30. :D

My one straggler

One made it through the night!

It only takes one.

In the meantime, I think aliens have highjacked my body. What is with the crying, being pissed off, laughing, and the general numb feeling for the rest of the moments of the day? I think all of the max dosage of fertility meds have accumulated and unleashed their wrath on my emotions. It's all part of the ride, right? The fact that I escaped relatively unscathed last cycle apparently does not apply to this one!

So, thanks for listening through the craze.

xoxo

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

No Fat Lady Singing Yet

I talked to Dr. S a few minutes ago and got some clarification. The three eggs that were delayed fertilization were too immature to ICSI (inserting the sperm into the egg) earlier, but they were coaxing them along to the right stage. When they left the lab they were still trucking along, so we'll wait until tomorrow morning for more news to see if the fertilization took.

Although I'm pretty much without hope right now, I really appreciate you keeping the positive thoughts going and for writing messages. I guess the fat lady hasn't sung yet.

xoxo

Not so good

Well, you know it's not good when the clinic calls you at 8:30, and they usually call at 7:30 on the dot. You know it's not good when the doctor calls instead of the embryologist too. Are you noticing a theme here?

After a few pleasantries we got down to business with the following, "the egg quality was not good." We have three delayed fertilized eggs. And for the good news, wait, that was it! One egg was too immature and the other one too mature.

So, we'll wait and see if any of the delayed fert eggs make it today.

I turned over and had to tell hubby. He's never really been through this before so I had to explain that this was one baby step up from the worst case scenario. I'm sure he's disappointed, but he's his usual strong, pragmatic self.

There is no sobbing today but just a few tears as he snuggled me.

Mentally, I think I have already packed my bags on this cycle. It will take me about half an hour to pack up my stuff at the hotel and get the hell out of dodge. We could be on the road tomorrow to our new house in a new state.

xoxo

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Well...

This morning I woke up to be completely wide awake before the alarm went off. I read my emails and blogs then piddled around and threw my clothes on. The drive was foggy which is a lot of fun when I'm staring through my coke-bottle glasses. However we made it there to find out that I was the only patient in the ART center, so I would be the center of attention.

The same nurse A, managed to get my IV in after only two sticks which was great since they usually do it five times with my rolling veins. We sat and watched "Charmed" and ESPN while we waited for the time to roll around. Hubby got led off to the play room to do his part--my champ! Then off I went rolling in my hospital bed to the procedure room. I climbed on the big bed and went poof--right under into lala land.

I woke up with my dry mouth and immediately asked how many. "Five, all from the right side," hubby said.

I burst into tears. Sobbing. Curled up in a ball. *enter fuzzy fog--the rest of it filled in by hubby*

Apparently, I said to hubby that "I'm broke."

He tried to reason with me, cheer me up, pull out percentages.

Then Nurse A came in and saw me bawling. She said, "it only takes one." Then she went and got Dr. S.

Dr. S came in and told me that five was great for me and about about what he expected. He said other nice things which I can't remember, but did help me to be able to breathe again. He gave my hand a squeeze and left.

I'm sure that I'm over reacting. Everybody else seems happy about it but me (and SuperNurse S who said she almost cried when she found out). I don't get it. The difference between three eggs to five eggs is negligible. I'm hoping that these eggs are mature unlike last time and we will have some, if not more than one, to replace.

Hubby told me later that he wished I would stop beating myself up about my body being broken. That these things aren't my fault. That we will reassess our options if this doesn't work out--nothing is off the table. He is a good man. But he did torture me a little by making me go to Target on the way home to pick up some snacks and feminine things. I got to ride one of the electronic carts. hehe.

I wish this post was more eloquent but, I am just raw, teary, and discouraged. I'll let you know how the fertilization report goes tomorrow.

xoxo

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Love Happens

Going to the movies is one of my favorite things to do especially when it's raining outside. Today's choice was "Love Happens," which I expected to be a romcom and found to be something different.

Although it wasn't the best movie I have ever seen, I was really moved by the grief I felt from Aaron Ec.khart's character. He loses his wife in a tragic accident and then struggles, despite the success of helping others overcome their grief, to face the heart of his pain. This depth is locked up tight inside of him as he fakes his way through each day and the necessity of "moving on."

Infertility is something I think we tend to lock up inside of us and don't share with our families and friends. How can we? We smile, work hard, feed the dog, and shoot ourselves full of expensive meds. It is something too painful for everyday dissection. I turned to blogging out of a desperate loneliness to find others who understood. I shared the website with my family and friends so that they could understand without being faced with the social awkwardness. My mom has a hard time reading it because it makes her heart hurt for me. Why does it do this?

Today is a good day filled with good news. But you know the reality of infertility, nothing is guaranteed. My situation in this round is far better than in my first round of IVF, but that doesn't really mean anything because failure, disaster, and disappointment can be right around the corner. Even with my positive thinking, lucky socks, and support from my beloved family, my IRL friends, and my dear blogger friends, this is a truth I have come to accept.

It seems like a similar theme throughout life. With my hubby in the Army, the reality of death in a training exercise or deployment seems to be a risk that I come to terms with. This is something I am sure many spouses of police officers, fire fighters, and other more hands-on jobs have come to accept in their own way. Every time he leaves for a deployment and in the months in between, I feel the pain of a potential loss. I grieve his potential loss in the hopes that if one day it does happen my heart would be hardened enough that I will be able to survive it.

This started on his first deployment, when he told me that he would be calling sporadically since he would be traveling around the country. The next day on the news, there was a report that a helicopter went down. Since we weren't married yet, I wouldn't have been the one to see the green uniforms walk to the door. But around every corner, I expected to see them. I worried until I got his next phone call. After that, I stopped watching the news intently while he was gone. The everyday concern was just a slap in the face. So I avoided the news, and I avoided the pain.

I feel the same way about infertility. But the problem with infertility is that I can't just wait out the twelve months like I do for my husband. I can't avoid the grief that happens with every BFN. I can't stop watching the news with this because babies are in the car next to us on the drive home, in the doctor's office, in the grocery store, in magazines, and moreover woven into the thread of what I expected from life.

I wonder if the pain and grief that accompanies infertility will ever leave. Will the birth of a healthy baby heal some of these wounds? I don't think it will. There will always be the knowledge that this kind of loss is possible.

What I liked most about this movie is the acknowledgement that there is a lingering struggle. Despite what we accept about our lives, there are things that are okay to be worked through. He struggles with the grief even after he has gone through the motions. It's okay. His relationship with friends, family, and even his work strengthen through the journey.

I'd like to think that whichever way this turns out that I'll be a better person. Hopefully, I'll be a better mom. If not, I'd like to think I'll be a better friend, a closer daughter, a more connected wife, and a more understanding person because of the struggle. Infertility will not be my destination, but rather my journey.