Saturday, November 7, 2009


My mind, emotions, and even house have been caught up in a whirlwind since this last cycle. Today I think it stopped beating me up. 

Having Fairy Eggs volunteer to help is simply one of the most lovely things I have ever had happen to me. The gratitude I feel towards her is from the bottom of my heart. My heart is filled with love and friendship towards someone who has been there for me since my freshman year of college. While of course we have had our ups and downs, she has always been a constant. And in one of my darkest moments when I couldn't see any light, she brought some to me. She brought light to my future.

At the same time I feel guilty. I feel guilt that she will have to subject her body that she has whipped into shape to bloating and discomfort. I feel bad that her kids lives will be disrupted for the week she's gone. I feel guilty that she'll really miss them during that time. I feel bad that even with a great babysitter to help out that her husband will have his hands full during that time. I feel bad that she has to pull her IUD out soon and go back to condoms! The list goes on. 

I know that she is willing to do all of this for me, and it is irrational to worry about things I can not control. But at the same time, I feel unworthy of what she is willing to do for me. 

Feeling this guilt made me have serious doubts as to whether or not we could pull this donor egg cycle off. Thinking about the logistics started to overwhelm me a little. Then the news about Dr. Leprechaun offering his services came. While part of me was dancing inside, the other part was swirling. Too much stuff I guess.

And at the heart of the matter, I think I was and still am really scared. I'm not new to this IVF game. We have gambled and lost. After this last cycle, I was really despairing. Those of you have been there know how the anger and sadness swirl together into a confusing mess that literally feels like your heart is hurting. When I saw a fellow Blogger's donor cycle start to falter with young, young eggs, I wondered if I knew what I was getting into. Because despite all of the good signs, there are still no guarantees. If the heartache gets worse with every cycle, I will have a hard time climbing out of the depths this time. This is what makes me scared.

But today, I think the whirlwind of all these emotions stopped. 

Sometime this morning, I pulled out my inner Dorothy, slipped into my shoes and pulled myself together. I'm not perfect, but I am surrounded by people who love me, support me, and are willing to help. I need to suck it up and focus on the reason they are doing this for me. Instead of worrying about the details and planning, I need to just be confident in myself because these are things I am good at! I need to appreciate the opportunity for what it is--another chance to try.

So now, now I'm going to get on with it. Hugs to all of you who read and support me! 



  1. Your final paragraph is so wonderful to read - I am so glad you have come to a place where you can feel peaceful about your decision. No guilt, no worry, no fear - just accept what the universe is putting in your path and have faith that it will lead you to where you are meant to be - holding your beautiful healthy baby in your arms. Thinking of you.

  2. I understand that fear of how it will feel if it fails, but you are right: you can't really control what will happen and you will be happier if you try to let go and "go with it" as much you can.

    It's great that you are coming to peace with where you are and how you are feeling.

    I'm so excited for this DE cycle for you!

  3. Overcoming inertia is one of the hardest aspects of moving forward with a new plan, but it's so worth it! Here's to moving forward!

  4. Your post has made me so excited to watch your journey ahead! There are so many positive factors going into this you said, so many people supporting you...its always hard when that doubt begins to creep in.

    Sounds like you have gotten to a great place for starting this cycle...hoping it brings you all you'd ever dreamed of!!

  5. Your donor sounds like a wonderful friend. I really like the last paragraph of your post. What a great feeling to have so much love and support. You deserve it!

  6. What an honest post. Thank you for sharing. I also worry that if the heartache of each failed cycle is worse, can I handle #3 or possibly more? I just remember that the pain I feel when I think of not being a mom has to be worse than that of the failed cycles.

    You are vey blessed to have such a supportive family and selfless friend. I pray that this is the path that is going to work for you. I am glad you have found a place of peace.

  7. Lots of support coming from here!! I am glad that you are feeling ready to get on with things - and I'm so happy that you have the support of family and an amazing friend. Know that I am thinking about you!

  8. wow fairy eggs sounds like a wonderful lady, you are definitely very blessed. cant wait to follow the rest of your will be hard but hopefully with a very happy ending to make it all worth it.

  9. What a wonderful post! Your friend sounds wonderful and I'm praying for you more than ever...I can't wait to see your journey unfold and see you pregnant!

  10. I'm glad your out of your whirlwind, I think it probably hit you as you're coming out of 'research mode' and into 'eek this is really gonna happen mode'. The reality of it all is quite amazing and you'd be a strange person if you didnt feel overwhelmed by it all. Yay for fairy eggs!

  11. Hugs back! I can't tell you how moving your posts are. I wish you the greatest happiness. What a wonderful gift. Shell