My mind, emotions, and even house have been caught up in a whirlwind since this last cycle. Today I think it stopped beating me up.
Having Fairy Eggs volunteer to help is simply one of the most lovely things I have ever had happen to me. The gratitude I feel towards her is from the bottom of my heart. My heart is filled with love and friendship towards someone who has been there for me since my freshman year of college. While of course we have had our ups and downs, she has always been a constant. And in one of my darkest moments when I couldn't see any light, she brought some to me. She brought light to my future.
At the same time I feel guilty. I feel guilt that she will have to subject her body that she has whipped into shape to bloating and discomfort. I feel bad that her kids lives will be disrupted for the week she's gone. I feel guilty that she'll really miss them during that time. I feel bad that even with a great babysitter to help out that her husband will have his hands full during that time. I feel bad that she has to pull her IUD out soon and go back to condoms! The list goes on.
I know that she is willing to do all of this for me, and it is irrational to worry about things I can not control. But at the same time, I feel unworthy of what she is willing to do for me.
Feeling this guilt made me have serious doubts as to whether or not we could pull this donor egg cycle off. Thinking about the logistics started to overwhelm me a little. Then the news about Dr. Leprechaun offering his services came. While part of me was dancing inside, the other part was swirling. Too much stuff I guess.
And at the heart of the matter, I think I was and still am really scared. I'm not new to this IVF game. We have gambled and lost. After this last cycle, I was really despairing. Those of you have been there know how the anger and sadness swirl together into a confusing mess that literally feels like your heart is hurting. When I saw a fellow Blogger's donor cycle start to falter with young, young eggs, I wondered if I knew what I was getting into. Because despite all of the good signs, there are still no guarantees. If the heartache gets worse with every cycle, I will have a hard time climbing out of the depths this time. This is what makes me scared.
But today, I think the whirlwind of all these emotions stopped.
Sometime this morning, I pulled out my inner Dorothy, slipped into my shoes and pulled myself together. I'm not perfect, but I am surrounded by people who love me, support me, and are willing to help. I need to suck it up and focus on the reason they are doing this for me. Instead of worrying about the details and planning, I need to just be confident in myself because these are things I am good at! I need to appreciate the opportunity for what it is--another chance to try.
So now, now I'm going to get on with it. Hugs to all of you who read and support me!