Wednesday, December 11, 2013


With most of my crying jag behind me, I'm feeling a ton better about everything. Part of me thinks I just needed to get it out, some of it's situational, and the other part is depression.

When I got pregnant with the twins, I went off my meds that I take for depression because they're  Class C drugs. There has definitely been an adjustment to life without them as I went cold turkey which is not recommended. The first two weeks were the worst as I felt like a huge witch. Within a few weeks, I evened out and was more focused on not hurling than anything. Now ten weeks later, I can tell there are differences in myself when it comes to being more quick to anger, not feeling social and also the crying jag that ensued on Monday.

The next morning after I wrote my post, I called my doctor and told him he needed to reschedule the cerclage for next week. The nurse who called passed along that my doctor thought it was really important to do it this week while I was still fourteen weeks. I burst into tears on the phone, telling her that we just didn't have enough coverage for my son. They understood, and rescheduled me for Monday morning which is four days later. I called and got my mom to change her flight. Now we should be golden.

However, what really ticks me off is that I've been pushing my doctors on this issue since the first time I saw them at six weeks. I get that they don't have all of the answers in a pregnancy like mine that is complicated by history, not enough research, and twins, however changing their minds and then insisting I get it done in two days is a little much. That's why I had the discussions with them every appointment since the beginning! If I had known it would be a possibility, I would have arranged for my parents to come earlier.

Thankfully my parents are wonderful, wonderful people. Between my mother and my father, they plan on one of them being here pretty much from now through the time that I deliver and beyond if the twins are in the NICU. This was something we discussed with them before we decided to go ahead and try this time around. I'm so grateful that they can do this for us.

Thanks for your support peeps.


Monday, December 9, 2013


Tonight I'm just a mess of tears.

Really it's not surprising that trying to figure out the logistics for having my cerclage done in two days sent me over the edge. Because in reality, there are a lot of things about this pregnancy that scare the crap out of me.

When I first found out I was possibly pregnant with twins, I had little expectation that the one empty sac would develop like the other sac in my uterus that had a small flicker of a heartbeat. Yet at eight weeks, both sacs showed healthy heartbeats with one measuring just two days behind the other which explained the empty sac during the first ultrasound.

The doctor did not congratulate me or smile like you would imagine. Instead he looked at me grimly and said, well this is going to be complicated. That comment pretty much set the tone for the onslaught of fear that ensued over the next three weeks. While I continued to be happy that I was pregnant, I feared the reality of carrying a twin pregnancy to term. And then, how the hell was I going to handle twins and a rowdy three year old? I wanted them, but I was very afraid. When you added in hurling and constant nausea, I was just a hot mess.

Things began to change for me once I talked to IVFlygirl. After all, she has two beautiful kiddos with the same genetics who were awesome babies and now toddlers. Along with my husband, she was the biggest influence on the calming of my fears on how I could handle adding twins to our family.

Between the regular OB and the perinatologists, I have had doctors appointments every other week of my pregnancy. Over this time I have had multiple discussions with both of them about having a cerclage placed. Because I am carrying twins, placing a preventative cerclage is different than a singleton. Essentially, the studies show that women with emergency cerclages in a multiple pregnancy fair worse than those without cerclages. The problem is that there is not data on cerclages with multiples which are preventative not emergent. After a lunch discussion between both doctors this week, they decided that they would offer me a cerclage. The perinatologist leans about 60/40 towards me getting a cerclage based upon my complicated past and current complex case.  My husband and I decided to go ahead and proceed with a cerclage as this is what our gut has been telling us all along.

My OB called me on the way home and has already scheduled me for the procedure on Thursday. Of course, having a three year old and no family around makes it slightly complicated for me to arrange childcare on short notice. My husband can not simply take a day off to help because of the military school he is attending. So I called people and figured most everything out until I realized E's Christmas program is on Friday. It's a small event in his classroom however I imagine him standing there looking around since he will be the only one without parents present. That image made me burst into tears. I haven't really stopped crying since.

Obviously, it's not just the fifteen minute program. It's my fear that I won't be able to carry these twins safely.


Monday, December 2, 2013


Waiting for his muffins to bake. 

Two muffins in the oven.
Yep, I'm having twins.


Friday, November 15, 2013

Somewhere in the midst of being excited and hopeful to have another child, I forgot that beyond the cervix and early labor issues, I am a terrible pregnant woman.

Ever since week six, I have been plagued with nausea and exhaustion. Believe me, I know that these are typical symptoms that the majority of women go through. Yet, other women seem to do it with grace while I am just a hot mess of a mom.

Somewhere along the way, the pregnancy hormones have caused my hair to start sticking up oddly where I have two cowlicks.  These cowlicks were meticulously trained by my mother to behave since I was a kid. So imagine my surprise when they started sticking virtually straight up.

These two little hair gems add to my overall mom look that I sport of yoga pants and maternity tees that I toss on in the morning to take E to preschool twice a week.

Meanwhile, there are literally a ton of military wives who are knocked up right now. I'm assuming the conventional way since most of them are due in April which coincidentally aligns for the in processing period for the school when there was a ton of down time. These moms, make it look easy. I think they even manage to do things like brush their hair and teeth.

I count it a victory when I'm not dry heaving on the way home from dropping him off. Then I plod into the house and promptly lay down. Exhausted and usually nauseous.

How do people do this!?!?!?

I'm so grateful that I'm pregnant, but seriously I suck at this!


Thursday, October 3, 2013


Dear E,

Today you turned three.

Every day you crack me up. One day you told me while watching "Monsters v Aliens" that they should go not to Fresno, but to Fresyes. Today when I asked you to say "Mommy is right!" (because of course your dad I were debating some nonsense), you said, "Mommyz left!" These are the prime examples of how you know exactly what you are talking about but feel the need to be a little different.

Some days I feel a little bonkers trying to deal with your independence that insists you can cross giant parking lots by yourself.  Other times your wiggleworm hand tries to squirm desperately out from holding my hand. You also think that running away from me in stores is funny.

When you run, I feel this squeeze in my chest from the adorableness that is you. You have sturdy legs and a really broad chest and trunk. Your run still has a bit of the toddler bobble that is priceless. You run with determination while you pump your arms and look straight at your target. Running isn't the only thing you do either. Whenever, there is music on you are always bopping along or do a full body groove. Every rock and curb is a chance to jump and balance on. Every cushion is a place to flop or bounce on. You just love to move.

Almost every day, you ask if we can go to the P-R-K. Apparently, I've spelled it so many times to daddy, that you have almost learned how to spell it yourself. Occasionally, you also throw in some other random letters which isn't surprising since we have a lot of acronyms in our Army lives: CGSOC, PCS, PX...

When we arrive at the park, you will usually find some little boy or girl to run around with. By the time we leave, I usually have to pry your hands apart since you love to grab their hands and run around. This really isn't limited to kids either as you often will go grab other moms by the hand and get them to join us in playing. As a side-note, you usually hit the blond moms first. Just saying. I love this about you though. I think you believe that everything is more fun with friends around.

Besides these things, this year you started: throwing and catching kisses while facetiming with auntie, granny and papa, riding a tricycle, and saying I love you to all of the people who catch your heart. You also started to call me a princess when I wear a skirt or dress up. You miss your daddy fiercely while he is at work and often ask me to call him.

When you were born, I felt like my heart expanded in a way that I didn't know was possible. Every day since then, you make it warm with love and laughter all mixed in with you being a crazy, goofy, all-boy toddler.

I love you turkey.



Friday, September 27, 2013

Early BETA

Since I can't take my BETA tomorrow because the Army hospital is closed, my doc let me take it today at 9dp5dt.


It's 122!

I'm pregnant!!!


Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Two embies

Two embies were very gently transferred to my uterus this afternoon.

Cue cheers and cartwheels!

Of course, I experienced the typical pleasures of an FET such as the ultrasound pushing down on my full bladder. However, the funniest part was that you can definitely tell this isn't my first rodeo. In the few minutes between getting prepped and waiting for my embryos, the doc and I sat there chatting amiably despite the fact that my feet were up in the stirrups and my goods were exposed. Good times!

I'm optimistic and hopeful!

Beta is 9/28.


Friday, September 13, 2013

Sigh of Relief

Thursday we flew out to California. I am thankful that my flight time was only three hours versus six from Alaska! It was such a piece of cake and my boy was a champ.

It took two hours to trek across LA to get to my doctor's office this morning. Let me tell you, I do not miss LA traffic! My dad was completely sweet and drove me so that I didn't have to deal with it all myself.

I pressed the elevator button for my doctor's office and had to double check that I had the right floor because he's redecorated since I last cycled.

It kind of reminds me of a boudoir, but heck, I can deal with that.

The best news was that my lining was a 12.5 despite the fact that I've been lightly bleeding for the last SIX days! I've been so freaked out about it, I think I've been more physically stressed than in any prior cycle. I *think* today it finally stopped. If not, the progesterone will probably take care of it tonight when I take my first shot.



Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Still on...

Thankfully we are still on with this cycle for now...

The plan is to head out to California and have the doc check out my lining as scheduled. If the bleeding has impacted my lining severely, we'll wait a week to allow it to get up to snuff. I generally have a nice plush triple-striped lining, so I'm hoping that my normal extra will give me some cushioning with what I might have lost. 

Who knows? Maybe this will help in the long run?!?!

Off to start packing now...or maybe go get some chocolate ice cream and pack tomorrow. :D


Monday, September 9, 2013

So yesterday afternoon, I started bleeding. Since I'm ten days away from my embryo transfer, this really shouldn't have happened.

I emailed my doctor this morning and received a response this afternoon saying we should postpone my cycle.

All I can think is WTF! WTF! WTF!

Classy, I know.

I'm annoyed at my body.
I'm annoyed that I'm going to have to spend more money to change plane tickets.
I'm annoyed that I have to wait.



Friday, August 30, 2013

Here we go!

So finally after a week of faux bleeding, my period finally started. I was pretty darn giddy with relief that I could finally email my doctor and get what will most likely be my last calendar ever. It's been almost a year since our last FET, and I'm beyond ready to get this show on the road!

Since the last time I wrote about hope, I have found myself completely filled with it. I've decided to let go and just allow myself to be. In all honesty, I have every reason to be hopeful about our chances this time. After all, we have two stellar embryos sitting in the freezer.

Right now I'm sitting here with my first shot done, tickets are purchased for E and I to go out to California, and one for Granny to come back to Kansas with us so I can take it easy until my beta.

Please keep me in mind, I could use all of the good thoughts, vibes, and prayers that you've got!

Transfer is on September 18th!


Thursday, August 8, 2013

Hope Rising

One of the most dangerous feeling for me is hope.

On most days I dare not allow myself the luxury of indulging in it, but lately I've found myself unable to avoid it.

Earlier this summer when I had the chance to visit IVFlygirl, I found myself telling her of my plans of going back to work next year if I don't get pregnant. The moment the words left my mouth I felt mortified that even with her I couldn't let myself hope aloud.

I'm pretty sure that I immediately blurted out that, of course this was the plan only if our last transfer didn't work and that making plans was how I coped.

She generously took the remarks in stride, and we kept chatting.

But the truth is that, I want to have another child.

I want this with an incredible intensity.

Last week I was able to convince my doctor to allow me to have an endometrial scratch in the hopes of increasing my odds with our next FET . Although he doesn't include them in his typical cycle, I sent him an impassioned email explaining that I felt like we had to do something to change the protocol. Once he agreed, I had to jump through some hoops to get it done locally on the right day.

The moment I hung up the phone from getting my appointment scheduled, I felt this unfurling in my gut. It was hope rising in me.

Since that day, I've been trying to keep the hope tamped down.

Yeah, that's not working so well.


Thursday, August 1, 2013


After over a month of packing, traveling, vacationing, waiting and unpacking, we are finally settled into our new house in Kansas.

Let me sum up the big trip...

May 27 first day on post in RV camp...goodbye house.
May 28: the moose who walked into our campsite and later came back for a snack.
May 29: E chilling at camp
May 30: playing at a park on base.
May 31: playing at a park near our camp. Did you know that parks with rocks make kids FILTHY!
June 1: Friend's birthday party gave him a chance to hit his first piñata!
June 2: The USO presents Sesame Street. We sat in the front row for Elmooooo!
June 3: At another park, E made another friend. This one sat on top of his legs and kissed him!
June 4: Parents fly in to Anchorage. Took a little tourist time to find this view.

June 5: My last drive from Anchorage to Wasilla. 
June 6: Figuring out the ice machine as we get ready to head out.
June 7: You can drive for miles and not see a soul until you hit roadwork...and a good gas station.
Anchorage to Tok, Alaska
June 8: Me.  See ya later Alaska!
Tok, Alaska and Haines Junction, Yukon, Canada
June 9: E and I taking a break by the water's edge.
Watson Lake  to Ft Nelson.
June 10: Mountains. Drizzle. Beautiful!
Fort Nelson to Fort St. John
More June 10: See that black thing on the right? That's a bear grazing on the side of the road! He was one of the ten bears (8 black/2 grizzlies) we saw hanging out along with a herd of buffalo, wild black swans, rock goats, a moose, and a porcupine!
June 11: A sweet moment before bed.
Fort St. John to Grande Cache
June 12: driving through Jasper National Park
Grande Cache to Lake Louise, Alberta
June 13:
Lake Louise to Fort MacLeod, Alberta

June 14: Back in the US!
Fort MacLeod, AB, Canada to Melrose, Montana

June 15: We went swimming in the Great Salt Lake along with a gazillion gnats and there are buffalo here!
Melrose, Montana to Antelope Island State Park, Utah 

June 16: Looooook!
Antelope Island to Bryce Canyon, Utah

June 17: "The big ditch" says my hubby.
Bryce Canyon to the Grand Canyon National Park, Arizona

June 18: Driving.
Grand Canyon to Moab, Utah

June 19: Arches National Park
Moab, Utah to Fort Collins, CO

June 20: Cousins! What you can't see in this picture is that E is sharing a seat with one of his six second cousins  who are all boys!!! Fort Collins, CO

June 21: The vintage farm my favorite aunt sent home with us. Every day she set out new toys for E to play with on this table. She's the best!
Fort Collins, CO

June 22: We got to meet IVFlyGirl and her family for the first time!

More June 22: the most delicious guacamole with mango, strawberry, and goat cheese. Seriously good!
Fort Collins, CO
June 23: Whoa this place is flat.
Fort Collins, CO to Hays, Kansas
June 24: Mommy, I'm home!
Hays to Leavenworth, Kansas


Thursday, June 6, 2013

Leaving Home

Over the last couple of weeks, life has been changing constantly. At first, we lived out of the leftovers in our house as the packers slowly boxed and crated everything. Then we hunkered down on an air mattress in E's room. Next we left our house and lived for a week in the RV. After that came our five days in Army lodging. And now? Now we are finally leaving.

Alaska to Kansas 
(our actual route happens to be a little more fun than this) 

We've known for months that this was coming, but for some reason the emotions and reality of it all didn't hit until this past week.

My friends, who I largely met through an amazing mom's group, arranged a fancy dinner at my favorite place to eat in town. We ate and laughed until our stomachs ached. While I'm usually pretty good at good-byes, I started to realize that night how much I was going to miss them and their kids!

I've fought back the urge to cry numerous times in both memorable and random places. For example, today I was walking through Costco avoiding the crazy tester table crowds, when I got all choked up as  thinking about how this was my last day in Anchorage. Who does that? When we pulled out of our house for the final time, I just kept thinking about how this was the place where I brought my baby home to...the first place that was filled by his smiles and giggles.

Beyond all of these memories, I'm just going to miss the sheer beauty of Alaska that I got to see every day just while driving.

Of course, I can't forget the occasionally surprises of wildlife which make my heart race.

Most of all I'm just surprised at how I feel like I'm leaving my home and not just another duty station. How is it possible that despite three years of record setting weather, I'm still so sad to leave? 

Tomorrow morning our caravan will be pulling out and heading towards Tok for one final night on Alaskan soil...

Here comes the next adventure peeps.


Monday, May 20, 2013

It's been awhile....

It's been awhile since I've visited this space.  Frankly, I was a little depressed, then a little cranky, then super vacation busy, and now crazed from our move. I was pretty sure that if I blogged, cranky posts would have ruled. So I just avoided it.

The month of depression was January. The combination of freezing temperatures and dark dark days slapped me upside the head after the holidays. Seriously, having about five hours of lackluster sunlight per a day messes with my mind. While I love Alaska, I will not miss the month of January! The event that catupulted me into the depression was finding out that if we sold our house, we would be paying for all of the realtor fees and selling costs out of pocket. That was not in my master plan.

After I finally dug myself out of my dark hole and started looking for property managers to rent out my house, we were already into February. The estimates of what we could rent our house out for and the terrible terms of most of the property managers made me incredibly cranky. At the same time, I was looking for weeks to see if I could get a Space-A* flight out of Alaska to somewhere in California. While usually flight would run every week, there was a dry spell where nothing was going to the right side of the country. I was miserable and desperately hoping to get home for a little love from my family.

Finally a flight to SoCal hit the rotation and I was elated. I packed my bags, loaded E up, made it on the flight, and settled onto the C-17 only to have my son scream bloody murder for the hour we were delayed on the runway. We got off before it departed. The lesson I learned? Practice using earplugs before the trip or invest in some heavy duty noise canceling headphones. :D

With Space-A firmly relegated to something we should do when E is older, I bit the bullet and booked two tickets to spend three weeks in California.

By then it was March. While I was eagerly waiting for my trip, I got a call that my mom fell while substituting and broke her hip. Although she's 65, my mom is NOT old enough for something like that to happen! Thankfully, she's a trooper and dealt with her surgery, subsequent infection and jumped right into her PT.

The same night that I found out about my mom, E made his own trip to the ER when he tumbled out of a shopping cart. When it happened, I was horribly upset with myself. However, now that I know he's fine, it's simmered down to out-right mortification.

Finally in late March, we flew to California where we played in the sun, hit lots of parks, got together with old friends, hit Disneyland and spent lots n' lots of time soaking up time with the fam. I can't even tell you how much the trip just rejuvenated me. At the same time, the time with my family and friends made me miss being around people with whom I have deep connections.

When we got home in April, we immediately started getting ready for our big move to Kansas. Since the snow stuck around so long this year, we've been really busting through the outdoor maintenance we needed to do before our new tenants move in. Time has passed so quickly and now the movers are coming tomorrow. I can't believe it's already here!

Anyway, thanks for hanging around and being patient with my lack of posts.


*For those not familiar with military-speak, Space-A is one of the privileged perks to military families where we hop on the extra space of flights that the Air Force is running a mission on. It's not super easy or comfy, but it can get you places for almost nothing!

Monday, April 1, 2013

Vegetable confusion.

So, no one ever tells you about this type of toddler conundrum...

Tonight we were sitting at my parent's dining table in California after dishing up some deeeelish Chinese food (of which I can't get in Alaska).  The much spoiled grandchild was sitting at the head of the table flanked by Granny and Papa.

While he was busy tasting all of the dishes, I noticed that he was enjoying his veggies. So I speared a piece of sautéed squash and passed it to Granny to give to E. He took it, and papa said, "mmmmh a cucumber." I didn't want him to be surprised when he tasted it, so I explained that it was a piece of squash.

E looked at it, grabbed it off his fork and squeezed it.

As the liquid dripped out of it, I exclaimed at him, "Oh, don't do that!"

He said, "squash."

And then I got it. Squash.

My son squashed the squash.

That's toddler logic for you!!!


Friday, February 15, 2013

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

A New Day

It's blowing my mind that we are in 2013.

Although I initially planned to dedicate December to extolling my love of E, I couldn't do it after Sandy Hook. Once the dedications to each victim started appearing all over social media, I just felt gutted. As a mother, I just kept picturing losing E. Logically I know that none of that should stop me from celebrating my child, but I couldn't write it.

As December moved along, I went through a bevy of emotions after a seriously long cycle and then a crappy period. I'm pretty sure I was a rotten witch to my husband most of the time. With my mom here from Thanksgiving to Christmas, I indulged in some fabulous cookies, chocolate laced banana bread and cinnamon rolls. I'm pretty sure my bum is still spreading from those, but it was worth it. 

Christmas itself was a picture perfect day. Scheduling a late Christmas Day dinner around E's nap time made him a happy and cheerful little boy. 

More than anything, I loved how excited he was about opening presents this year, making our gingerbread house, and having guests over for dinner. Hearing him say "cistmis" and "santa" in his little voice was something I hope I never forget. 

Before I knew it, Christmas was over, the tree was down and my mom was back in California. That gave me some serious blues for day or two. I regrouped though and started reflecting on the year and making some new plans. Typically I don't make New Year's resolutions because they don't typically work. Yet this year, I have some distinct efforts that deserve to be amped up.

1. To eat less processed foods.
2. To increase my sporadic exercising to consistent activity.
3. To be okay with whatever happens on our last FET. 
4. To put down my iphone more.

I hope that 2013 is an amazing year for all of us. Happy New Year!