Thursday, October 25, 2012

Figuring it all out *updated*

Well, crap.

We found out this week that we will be PCSing (Army-speak for permanently moving) to Fort Leavenworth near Kansas next summer. To know that we are moving this much in advance is an incredible luxury and I'm suuuuper excited about it!

However, this puts a huge speed bump in our baby making plans. Well it's huge for me because I've been running around trying to figure out if I can fit in FET3 before the holidays. Coincidentally, I can since I got a rip-roaring CD1 yesterday. However, if miracles of miracles occurs and I actually get knocked up this time, I would be due on July 31. That would be the month that we would be scheduled to move.

We can't move the timeline later because we are moving to go to a training that only starts at two points during the year. We can't move it earlier in the year because my hubby needs a specific amount of time in the job that he currently holds. Not hitting the year mark in that position would limit our choices of where we go after the school finishes.

Ultimately if I was a normal pregnant woman or even just a lucky infertile woman, we could swing it. However my crappy cervix precludes us from flippantly running to the doctor to spend thousands of dollars to get pregnant whenever we jolly well feel like it.

So I'm probably going to have to suck it up and wait until January to do the cycle so that the timing works better. I know that it's a mere two months, but I'm oddly compelled to do it now. If I have to bear the disappointment of this not working, I want to be able to move on as soon as possible. Being in limbo just isn't that comfortable.

On the bright side of things....I actually have the opportunity to mull this all over as I have two more beautiful embryos in the cryotanks.



My hubby and I discussed the situation after we put E to bed tonight. He's completely worried about me being pregnant at all while we are moving. When I say at all, I mean that he would prefer me to wait for our final transfer until after we are moved. My initial reaction to waiting ten months is "hell no." However, depending on when our Alaska house sells, this could be sooner. This is a very unexpected twist for me. I'm considering it.


Monday, October 22, 2012


I'm in a dark, unhappy place tonight. Doesn't that make you want to read on now? Yeah, I don't blame you. I pretty much wish I could get out of my own head right now too.

Tonight I'm just sad. How could this cycle have not worked? In the back of my mind, I figured that the BFN from FET1 was just a fluke. With our embryos coming from the mecca of infertility clinics that is CCRM and the batch being proven by the birth of some beautiful twins, I just can't fathom how it didn't take.

I feel pushed up to the wall that we are already on our last set of embryos. This set being our last hope for a sibling for E. Sometimes I picture him when we are gone, and I worry that he won't have any family there to continue loving and supporting him. I don't want him to be alone.

I am so infinitely grateful that I have E. The family that we've created is the most precious thing to me. It's so amazing that it makes me want more.

I want more.


Thursday, October 18, 2012

Today was just crappy.

I woke up this morning to E's squawk on the monitor at 4:51 am. He settled down, so I trudged into the bathroom for a quick pee before falling back in bed. My hubby was just getting up for work, so he asked me, "What?" I paused and then it dawned on me that I was planning to POAS this morning. I climbed back in bed, mad at myself and stewing over the fact that I was going to have to wait so many hours to find out if this cycle was going to work.

E truly woke up a short time later and we spent an hour watching bub-bub-bubble, bubble-bubble guppies. After awhile, E leaned over and put his head on Sweetpea.

It was pretty darn sweet. Apparently, she didn't think it was so great because she got up licked him and then growled at him. It freaked the hell out of me as that's not acceptable behavior in our house. I think she gets territorial about the bed, and E was in her space. So we did a little doggie retraining and then went on with our day.

I chugged some water and decided to POAS anyway.

Bleepity, bleep, bleep, bleep.

Nevertheless, we ourselves together and headed into Anchorage. We got on-post with no problem, but E decided to throw a tantrum the minute after we pulled our number to wait for the lab. Of course we had to wait about twenty-minutes, of which, E cried the whole time. No matter what I offered or did, he was just inconsolable.

While I was in Anchorage, we went ahead and ran errands. E was miserable the whole time, fighting me at every turn to get down and walk or begging to be picked up. The day continued like this. I dragged us to the crappy, pain-in-the-arse mall to visit the Apple store only to find out they didn't have what I needed in stock. Ugh. Then, my hubby couldn't meet us for lunch. Then the clinic called while I was desperately trying to wrangle my son back into the cart at Costco.

It just went on and craptastic day.

While I know these are small annoyances in the grand scheme of it all...

today of all days I was just heart-broken with a huge weight in the middle of my chest.

I don't know what I would have done without my little boy to snuggle with tonight.


Monday, October 15, 2012

Steeling myself.

Here I am, laying on the couch typing away while wanting desperately to run to the bathroom and rip open one of those pretty pink pregnancy tests. But, I'm not.

I'm really trying to resist. (and my hubby FORBADE me!!! Like that works!)

While I was really optimistic before I flew back to Alaska, since being home the doubts have crept in to my happy space. With one of the embryos hatching upon transfer, it seemed like such a good sign.

But now, I'm not in a bad place, I'm just in a more realistic place. A place where I look at the statistics and realize that like with E, I might fall on the bad side of these. It took us three tries for him, maybe it will take three tries for the next one. Or maybe it won't happen at all.

I remind myself of these things, not to be morose, but to steel myself against the heartbreak that could occur on Thursday.

Still sounds morose when I write it though.

Damn it.


Wednesday, October 10, 2012

8 more sleeps!

There are only eight more nights of sleeping before my beta!

Everything went pretty smoothly on transfer day despite the fact the Prez was traveling in a motorcade about four blocks from my clinic. Normally, I leave about an hour and a half early to get to the clinic on time for my appointments. Granted the clinic is only 37 miles away from my house, but this is LA we are talking about. We forgot about Columbus Day which significantly lightened the traffic load and gave us time to walk on over to Starbucks so I could treat my dad to a little pick-me-up. Speaking of my dad, my wonderful dad escorted me to and from the clinic this time just as we did with E's cycle. Of course my acupuncturist asked if he was my husband. BAHAHAH! My dad and I both got a kick out of that!

I had acupuncture both before and after my treatment which I absolutely love since I completely relax and often end up snoring away on the table. Part of my acupuncture relaxation was ruined however, when this twit of a nurse scared the crap out of me by saying, "The doctor is going to come talk to you and maybe we'll do the transfer then." She was out of the door before I registered what she said. The next ten minutes I spent freaking out that both embryos hadn't survived the thaw. Thankfully, they defrosted perfectly! By the time of the transfer, one had started hatching....whoo!

My mom, dad, and sister have been a fabulous in taking care of my little turkey while I'm resting. Now that I've passed the 48 hour mark, the wardens have allowed me to shower and get up some. I know it's overkill, but whatever makes us feel better!

Thanks for all of the support!


Sunday, October 7, 2012

Twas the night before Tx

'Twas the night before transfer and Jen was freaking out...

Wish me luck!!!