When mastitis kicks you in the hooters.

My husband called it.

He told the doctor last week that we would probably end up in the ER sometime during the weekend since they had no good suggestions on how to wean. God forbid they tell me to do something and then give me a clue as to how to do it.

Dammit he was right! It gets worse too!

They had to admit me. ADMIT ME!

Essentially on Thursday about 5:30, I started getting the chills and shakes which is my first sign of getting mastitis. I went to the mirror to check out the girls and sure enough Bossie was bright red. Hubby drove the hour home, packed us up, and we headed right back into Anchorage. The ER doc looked at me with sympathy and hesitantly said we probably needed IV drugs. Yep, bring it on man. So we did. When they went to discharge me, they checked my vitals and found out that my pulse was running in the high 140s. Yowzers. Yep, I don't get to go home. Sleepy hubby and son finally headed home around one to get some rest.

The next three days I spent being dowsed with three different types of antibiotics to cover a broader spectrum and plyed with fluids. The doc had me start pumping every three hours again which sucked since I had worked so hard at weaning over the past week and a half. By the second day, Bessie had joined in the fun and turned lobster red. Meanwhile, I felt like doggiedoo and could barely summon the energy to text or talk to my family.

The whole time I laid there being stressed because I had work to do and no internet access. S-T-U-P-I-D. But I had deadlines. And so I laid there like an idiot stressing, trying not to stress, and then passing out because I felt so damn crappy. 

When I wasn't stressing, I raged about being sick again. This episode finally made me hit the wall of patience with this mastitis crap. I got pissed off. Honestly, since baby E was born, I have been on a cycle of getting sick, going to the ER, taking antibiotics, and then taking another week and a half to be better. Then a week or two later, I would repeat the cycle. Once I made my peace with stopping the breastmilk, I was kind of excited that I might get off this roller coaster. Yet, in trying to do this safely (and with no guidance from the docs), I just ended up in the hospital. 

When you put this into perspective of the fact that before baby E was born, I spent eight weeks on bedrest. I have been in a bind physically since this summer. 

None of this negates the fact that I'm happier than anything to have E with me. I just would like to be healthy now so I can give him the best care possible and also enjoy this time with him!

So now I'm home, chugging down antibiotics and trying to get as much rest as possible. Please let this be the end of this crap!

For my final words tonight, let me say that my hubby is a rock-star. While I was away from my baby boy, he took fantastic care of him and even started getting him on a sleeping schedule. I can't tell you how much I appreciate having a hubby who is infallibly reliable. 

xoxo

*sad post* @ my BIL

This morning about six I got a phone call from my nephew, the one who never calls me. I figured he either made a mistake in calling me or something was wrong. When I heard his voice, I knew it was the latter.

My brother-in-law's roommate came home to find him on the floor not breathing and without a pulse. He started chest compressions and by the time the paramedics arrived, he had a thready pulse going. They admitted him to the hospital, had to intubate him and found his kidneys in failure. After later scans today, they found no brain activity. As of our last update, they still have him hooked up the machines that are keeping him alive, but his kids plan to let him go off of them soon. He's forty-four

His brother had his kids really young, so by the time I became part of the family, they were teenagers. I'm closest to A, the middle child, who is enlisted in the Air Force. While I'm glad that all of his kids are over twenty-one, my heart breaks for them because that is still way too young to lose the parent who raised you.

I've only heard my husband cry three times: when his dad passed two weeks before he came home to visit from Korea, tears of relief when his mom passed after a painful decline, and today.

The hard part today for me is that I'm mad at him. When I first met my BIL, he pretty much had it all--good kids, a steady girlfriend, a fantastic job, a house, and all of the toys you can imagine. He drove me crazy many times with his even-louder-than-my-husband's voice and constant need to argue Italian style (aka about everything)! But generally, he was always up for fun, generous, and really supportive of my husband being with me. Then by the time his kids started getting out of the house, he went through a midlife crisis. In five years, he had pretty much lost everything. The choices that caused him to lose everything are the same that put him on the floor last night. Why didn't he take better care of himself?

Although I can deal with this, please send some good thoughts towards my husband's family as they try to work through this unexpected turn of events.

xoxo

Poke

Since my hubby doesn't get to poke me to get pregnant, I made him poke me with my 1.5 inch needle. baw-hah-hah

Yes, I feel like a complete newbie right now. After a year of IUIs and two IVF cycles, you would think that somewhere along the way, he would have given me a shot of some type of wacky drug. No, no, no, those pesky deployments relieved him of all of past needle duties. By the time he returned home for the last cycle, I certainly didn't need his help. I was much too busy showing him what a pro I was at it.

Tonight, I had to do the upper right buttock area which I can do with a little twist, but quite frankly my whole body hurts. Whatever crappy BC pill they gave me has unleashed a monster wave of pain and headaches along with my dear AF.  So, I had to coax him a bit.

He felt all relieved when he didn't have to stick me with the 18 gauge needle, but quickly grimaced when he realized the 22 gauge poker was still an inch and a half long.

"I have to stick the whole thing in?" he asked.

"Yes, dear." Grin.

So my first shot of estrogen is done. Meanwhile on the other side of the country, FairyEggs got her period so we're in sync and completely on schedule without any extra labs to do. Go us!

xoxo

Merry Christmas!

This morning I woke up in my bed, reveled in its snuggly warmth and went back to sleep. Hubby came in a little while later to get me up to show me the white coat of snow on the yard. While it has snowed a little here, it hasn't really stuck until today. So, Sweetpea got her first experience with snow which she loooooved! She bounded through the snow with glee which is the perfect essence of a Christmas morning.

This morning seemed all the more perfect in contrast to our trip home from California. It started off with a delay of our flight, standby for another, getting seats on that plane, but then being pulled off after we had settled and even buckled our seat belts! By the time we finally made it to Minneapolis, we found that our connecting plane also delayed and still there! After booking it through the airport, we slammed against the window where we could see an open door to the plane but alas there were no attendants to let us in! We stood watching it taxi through the snow, standing there, the picture of dejectedness. Thankfully the airline gave us a hotel, where we showered and napped until it was time again to try to get home. My main worry was getting home before the kennel closed since it was the last day of our reservation and I imagined my dog turned out onto the streets (ha, a little dramatic right?). The next morning our plane was delayed two hours followed with another two hour drive home. We pulled up to the kennel only to have the employee on a smoke break tell us that they were closed early since it was xmas eve. Umm, no. Seriously, you gave me the wrong time on my phone message? I can prove it suckers! Thankfully, they chose not to mess with us before I broke out my kung-fu on them to rescue Sweetpea from their clutches.

So today is all the more sweet since we are safely tucked away in our warm house with our dear girl. Our only plans today are to venture out to see the new Sherlock Holmes movie which I am waaaaaaaay excited about! We've already opened our simple presents this year....all of which are usable by both of us along the themes of cooking and home protection along with a few movies and books.

Whatever you are up to today, Christmas celebrator or not, I hope that you have a good day filled with the warmth of being surrounded by those you love.

xoxo

Darn good day...

What defines a pretty darn good day in my life? Being able to kiss my husband and hug my parents is it.

Usually when I'm in California visiting the family and friends, my hubby is off in the sandbox, training, in command, or endless number of other Army related reasons. Although I'd rather have him with me rather than not, I get it. Since the beginning, we've been fairly independent even in our relationship together because lived in separate cities for several years. But as much as this is true, it's simply fun to have him here with me to go see my friends and hang out with the family and built the memories with these people.

My family is incredibly close to my heart. There is something fantastic about appreciating my parents as people. I enjoy spending time with them. Having parents like this is special, and I feel truly lucky to have them. My sister is the other addition to this fun, as she is one of my best friends. After living with each other for most of our lives and then living together for five years as adults....you get the picture! They make it easy to understand love.

So being able to roll over and kiss my hubby in the morning then run downstairs and give the folks a squeeze....pretty darn good in my book!

And for the reason why we are in California, hubby gets to visit the doctor for some collection of the sperm goo. Whoo! With him being tied up in school by the time we do our DE-IVF, this goo will be going to our future embies. Hope these spermies are champs!

One of the best things today was the reality that Dr. Leprechaun is doing our cycle pro bono. When we went to check out, it was "You're all set. Have a nice day!"  The generosity astounded me in theory, but now it's actually happening. This is our silver lining on our IF cloud.

I feel like a lucky girl. In the midst of everything we face, I am glad that we have days like today.

Beet this!

Beet this! Tonight we boiled the beet. This is the beet that I picked up because my hubby was waxing nostalgic about the garden they had when he was growing up. So, I was thinking I should plant a garden at our next home. My hubby laughed at me. Why, you ask? Because imagining a garden in Alaska isn't the first thing you do. But they do have a great summer season with lots of light!

Beat this! FairyEgg's tests came back all clear and her period started. This means that we will be getting a calendar very very soon! Yay! Tomorrow I visit a lawyer to review our contract.  It's getting closer!

xoxo

**Warning** Couples Retreat

After writing my last post about how quickly the 2ww wait was passing quickly, it stopped moving quite so fast. Pretty much my goal has been to make it through the day without taking two naps. One is okay. Two is just lazy. So, since a girl has to keep busy, my honey and I went to go see the movie "Couples Retreat". 

Seeing the previews, I expected to laugh and enjoy myself completely. I did laugh a lot, but I also cried and I'm not really a movie crier. Why you ask? Without giving anything away, let me tell you. The one couple wants to go to the resort because they are thinking about getting divorced. Here's the best part. The reason they are considering it is because they have been in the infertile game for twelve months and it has taxed their marriage to the point where they don't have fun together anymore. Um yeah, that's a ball of laughs. Really. 

Part of the movie made me cry, simply because the pent up frustration and fears that I have had about infertility. A week or so ago, while we sat at Waffle House {nice and intimate place for this discussion}, I asked my hubby if he would ever leave me because of this. Yes, I was under the influence of hormonal drugs. At the same time though, this is certainly one of my fears. We got married later in life and I presume that part of the reason is because he wanted to have a family. So, I think this is a valid question.

He looked at me like I had grown two heads and said something to this effect:
He loved me.
He didn't marry my ovaries or my uterus.
He married me because he wanted a partner in life, someone to share it with.

One thing that I have always loved about my husband is that he takes his commitment to me seriously. He's had enough time to live the bachelor life and enjoy it, but now he wants (and has) more. I like a man who knows what he wants. And despite all the crap that we are going through, he wants me.

I think that infertility can break a relationship or help it to grow stronger. You certainly don't want it to grow stronger in this way, but the fact is that it can. I thank whatever higher power is out there that I have him in my life.  He makes me a better person. He's taught me how to stick and work through things together. Infertility is one of those things on our journey that is hard.

At the point, I would really love to go wherever the movie was filmed. I know it's not really cold here, but living in Louisiana has made me a complete wimp. I also have a complete lack of winter clothing except for the jackets {since I'm a jacket-wh-ore!}.

Keep warm wherever you are and be prepared if you go see this movie! Also thanks hope4joy and ASP for the lovely award. Love it!