Does it bother me?

I was talking to Fairyeggs the other day when I wondered something. But I didn't know if I should ask. I didn't know if it might bring up unexpected feelings. I didn't know if I would be opening a can of worms.


Fairyeggs, does baby E look like you? 


I'm sure at some point in our friendship that I have seen baby pictures of her, but I couldn't really recall much. I never really thought about asking her to see a picture because what did it matter? I was certainly going to think my son was the cutest thing on earth when he came (smile). 


Yet in this passing question. it seemed like a myriad of emotions could erupt. Sometimes I wonder if they will surface in her unexpectedly. I wonder if I should watch what I say.


It sounds all dramatic, but it really wasn't that big of a deal because as usual we can discuss anything. My moment of questioning passed as I remembered the strength of our relationship. The trust that I have in her to discuss something if it bothered her came flooding back. This is why we were able to do this in the first place!


So I laughed at myself and then asked her. 


Wouldn't you know, she wanted to ask me if I thought he looked like her! 


Giggle. 


Like me, she didn't know if she should ask. She didn't know if it might bother me.


Aren't we the most considerate friends?

xoxo

:) A happier J

The last two days have been absolutely beautiful so I got outside and watched hubby wash the truck and also sat in the backyard with Sweetpea. Not only were the days wonderful, but I did not feel nauseous! Cheers erupting over here! As long as I keep the food consistent and take my B6, it is no longer constant but just comes at random times. This I can deal with. I just hope it lasts!

I have found myself a little overly emotional lately. While we were outside washing the truck, this little two or three month old black lab puppy ran into our garage and hid behind the motorcycle. Hubby started trying to get him to go away and the whines and whimpers literally tore at my heart. I can not stand to see people treat dogs like this. She was literally skin and bones and obviously had been neglected by her owners.  There are few things that really kill me like seeing an animal mistreated and this one was no exception. Since we've only lived here a few months, I had no idea where the pet shelter was, but I tracked it down and took the puppy over to them. At least now she'll have food and water and a chance to get adopted.

In other fun news, I celebrated the end of PIO shots yesterday! "Yaaaaay" cheer the upper right hand quadrants of my butt cheeks! All other pills and E2V shots continue until week ten. I can see the light where I might get to graduate from my RE! :)

xoxo

ailure with a capital F

I have absolutely nothing to be depressed about because there are so many freaking good things in my life. But the fact of the matter is that I've been in the dumps. Can't write blogs without hating them. Can't say what I really want to. Don't really want to get out of bed.

In fact my bed calls to me the siren song of egyptian cotton and a soft sleep# setting of 35 which Sweetpea and I both go for. I want to go there pretty much 24-7 and with my feet slid under her for warmth and a book in my hand until I slip into oblivion. Because if I'm asleep I really don't have to think of much.

If I'm in oblivion I don't have to feel like a failure for not working more than I do, for not knowing when I should refuse a shipment because they turn my Nordictrack on end instead of laying it flat like instructed, for not going to exercise, for drinking my DietDrPepper with evil caffeine, for having endless cravings for mintchocolatechipicecreamwithasecondscoopofrockyroadfrombaskinrobins, for procrastinating my endless grading. . .

None of this should rationally be a reason for me to feel like I'm swimming in the failure bucket.  The fact is that I'm approaching another situation where failure is reasonable and even probable. Thirty-seven percent of people in this situation at my clinic "are unsuccessful." Have you ever noticed that unsuccessful has a big FU in it? Yep, that's exactly what this would be.

While Fairyeggs might not be twenty-one, she's healthy, strong and fertile. She's had three children in the not too distant past. If I can't get knocked up with her eggs, then I have to wonder if it's more than just crappy eggs.

This has to be it.  Just like fertility drugs and IVF cycles had to be it. This delusion of hope that I have is simply going to wreck me, again. I know this. I know this, and I still have hope inside of me.

I'd just rather go to bed than think about all of this.

xoxo

merry-go-round

Roller-coaster? Tight-rope? Space Mountain? Today I've decided I'm on a merry-go-round. Why you ask? Because on a merry-go-round, you not only spin in futile circles, but you also go up and down on your little horse! That's pretty much me in a nutshell right now. I know, I know....I have been very aware of my craziness lately. It's because I'm really without a plan, spinning in a circle. As my family knows, I'm pretty much only happy when I have a plan. Until I have a plan, I am in full research mode making the effing plan! So here is a list of the horses that are swirling around in my head:

• The shiny pink horse (aka donor egg cycle with known donor) - My donor, FairyEggs, lives very close to a medical center where a friend of my current RE works. Yesterday I made the appointment for a consultation with Dr.M in a couple of weeks and also asked to speak to the financial coordinator. She wasn't in, but she called me with all of the financial goodies! Oh yay! Come to find out, a known donor cycle there still incurs a $7800 administrative fee at that clinic! Which would make a grand total of $19,304 + meds + some additional testing. Hmm. That doesn't really fit into my responsible budgeting. 
• The comfy horse - Bite the bullet and drag FairyEggs across the country to my current RE back in Louisiana. This would mean lots of time in a hotel. Also FairyEggs would have to be away from her FairyKiddos for quite awhile which is very hard for her. So right now, I'm waiting for their financial coordinator to call me to let me know how much a donor egg cycle would run there. Since the laws in Louisiana are different, I'm hoping for a better price and the comfort of working with people I know. 
• The shady green horse - Called Shady Grove Fertility to get the pricing for their shared risk, shared donor and also the shared risk donor programs. Wow, they really bring the price down by sharing donors cycles! What is more impressive is that they put their money where their mouth is and offer 100% refunds for their shared risk program. They also work well with out-of-town patients and have what looks like a well-oiled plan to reduce travel times. Might be worth pursuing.
• The frozen horse - Embryo Adoption/Donation. Yes, you have heard me rant about this in my previous post, but it is still an option as I might find someone willing to privately donate their embies if they are done growing their family. 
• The red horse with stars - Adoption. A fellow blogger pointed me a direction of a very reasonable domestic infant adoption program. They contacted me within an hour of my request and were very straightforward. For this though, we would really need to wait until we moved. :( Ugh.

These are all the fun things spinning around in my head. Of course my hormonal ups and downs are keeping life fun too. Good thing my husband loves me! :) 

xoxo

My one straggler

One made it through the night!

It only takes one.

In the meantime, I think aliens have highjacked my body. What is with the crying, being pissed off, laughing, and the general numb feeling for the rest of the moments of the day? I think all of the max dosage of fertility meds have accumulated and unleashed their wrath on my emotions. It's all part of the ride, right? The fact that I escaped relatively unscathed last cycle apparently does not apply to this one!

So, thanks for listening through the craze.

xoxo

Why am I not crazy?

Because I took awhile to find my hubby, it seems like I have watched all of my friends get pregnant and have their three kids. Although it might have taken them a few months, inevitably, none of them had a trouble getting knocked up by their adorable husbands. :) I watched them go through the stages of being upset, happy, devastated, hopeful, exhausted, grumpy, hungry, really really hungry, in pain....the list goes on! 

I figured when I started trying I would be a little crazy. But I am not. I can't figure it out because I typically obsess about most things. When I saw that "irrationality" was a listed side effect of one of the drugs I was taking to get pregnant, I figured that I would go a little mental. Of course I have my typical fun moods, but I don't have the kind of craziness I hear about on other people's blogs. Why am I not crazy about something that is so important?

I guess that it just comes down to the fact that I have accepted that I will either get pregnant or not. I don't feel jealous of pregnant women (although it makes me sick whenever I hear of someone not taking care of their child). But for the most part, I'm okay. Isn't that a little strange?