Tuesday, March 29, 2011

A little bit of cheer

Spreading the cheer of baby E...enjoy!

Sunday, March 27, 2011

This and That

After my last blog where I vomited my anxiety directly on to the page, it's not surprising that it has taken me this long to even write another post.

I am still swimming in papers and presentations. Really, I'm way overwhelmed with the amount of work I still have to do with about five weeks left until the end of my semester. Every weekend is blocked out with work time which I will need every minute of to finish all of my projects. Sigh. Thankfully my sister is coming during her spring break which will get me some extra time during that week to squeeze in some extra work.

Believe me, I know I got myself into this mess. I have no one to fault except for myself as I chose to take these classes. It's a fault of mine as I always try to do too much.

Anyway, my little man continues to be the absolute joy of my life. Even when I'm mired in other crap, he never fails to make me smile. I feel like life has changed in that it is brighter and better with him around.

Some of the things he does just grab my heart and squeeze it.

When I'm feeding him, he likes to wrap his soft little hands around my thumb and pinky. He uses them to lever the bottle closer and further away as his little heart desires. He's also fond of using this technique to chomp on his favorite chew toy, my index finger.

Every time I peel back the diaper and find poop, he never fails to give me this huge grin.

I was going to leave you with a little piece of the cheer he brings to us, but alas blogger is moving way to slow with pictures and videos, so we are SOL. So, while he is laying in his crib kicking the monitor, I head back into my research to finish my paper.



Thursday, March 10, 2011


Lately I've been swimming in a haze of anxiety which completely pisses me off.

Diving into school while taking care of Baby E sounded like a great idea before I actually tried to do it. The traditional class that I'm taking is mostly under control. However, the correspondence course is kicking my butt. At first I thought the class would be great as the syllabus showed five projects to complete at my own pace. Yet when I actually dived into the work, I realized in the first project 1) that the five documents to read actually totaled 500 pages, and 2) I have absolutely no frame of reference as I know nothing about rural Alaska or the Native Alaskans. To top it off, the assignments all center around the idea that I'm working in a classroom somewhere in Alaska, which I am obviously not. Needless to say, it makes the 90% of the assignment theoretical for me based upon what I can glean from my local district's website. It's beyond frustrating. What also peeves me out is that I got a 14/15 or 93% on my first assignment without any explanation as to where my 7% went. Does he know how hard I worked on that paper? Beh.

Anyway, when I get anxious about an assignment then it takes me a billion years to write it.
So now I'm behind.
And I'm stressing.
Because it's virtually impossible for me to write in the short breaks I have during the day.
Because I'm taking care of my son.
My beautiful, happy son who is my own personal definition of joy.
And I'm teaching my online classes.
And I'm making dinner.
And I'm trying to keep my pretty new house from becoming grubby.
And I have no friends here.
And I've gained five pounds from stress eating.
And so I've turned into this anxious ball of STRESS!

So I've stopped trying to actually write any of my assignments during the week and am instead just focused on getting my immense pile of readings done. I hopped onto the treadmill and started walking again. These simple things have made me feel so much better.

I just want to be a mom who is present, calm, and put together. I don't want to be stressed out and distracted. I want to cherish every moment I have with this kid and not feel guilty or pressured to do something else. He's just the best, and he deserves me to be at my best.

I certainly don't want to grump at my hubby either.

So I'm working on getting this all under control.


Tuesday, March 1, 2011

5 Months

Every day I have moments of awe where I quietly marvel at my good fortune of having baby E in my life. Yep, this cynical girl does this every single day at least once. I can't believe that five months of this bliss have already passed. Wasn't it just yesterday that I had my heart stomped on by another baby making failure?

So, today we celebrate five months with baby E by of course taking his picture...

The best part about this picture is that you wouldn't even know that it was taken in between bouts of tears, crying, immense drool, and some good old snot flowing. Poor baby, mommy tortures you so.

This month has really been filled with a number of changes in him. It blows me away to see new things pop up each week.

Weight:  13 lb 9 oz which puts him in the 10th percentile
Height: 24 in which puts him in the 10th percentile
Head: 41 which puts him in the 3rd percentile

Food: Formula, usually 24 oz in 4 oz increments; and as of two days ago cereal!

Activities: Grabbing at toys, excessive drooling, putting toys in mouth, rolling from tummy to back, scooting in a circle by swinging legs

Mommy's favorite moment: the look on his face as he discovered his toes! "I have toes mommy!" Many minutes have been filled with this new play thing.

Adventures: went on his first plane rides to California, then Florida, and back to Alaska! He did a great job sucking on his binky during take off and landing which really kept his ear pressure okay. People remarked that they didn't even know there was a baby on the plane!

Sleep: in his crib with the swaddle gone! During vacation he decided to start sleeping for eight hours. EIGHT! Now, I think we're growing and waking up every four hours to eat. Hungry boy.