Tuesday, December 8, 2009


My hubby and I had quite a discussion the other night. We don't scream and yell or throw tantrums. We don't discuss in a monotone voices either. Instead, my hubby pops out his Italian loud voice, his sarcasm, and his unshakable sense of confidence in his logic and self. I bring tears, an understanding of the emotional side of life, and a huge deep well of sensitivity. What comes out is usually a pretty productive discussion that finds some type of resolution or compromise.

One pervasive element of our discussions has been my lack of productivity lately. With the latest move, a complicated donor egg cycle coming up, and then another imminent move, I haven't really found a place for myself here. Without a defined or heftier work schedule, I tend to sleep late, read, poke around on my computer and go to acupuncture. Sometime during the day or week, I fit in my work on my two online courses, walk the dog, empty the dishwasher, clean the house, cook dinner and occasionally exercise. Most of the stuff that's not fun, I like to procrastinate on. After all, why not? All in all, I'm pretty damn happy doing so.

In contrast, my hubby wakes up at 4:15ish, goes to PT (physical training), comes home, showers, coffee, then attends training class from about 7:30 until about 4:30. Then on Monday and Tuesday nights he attends classes for his masters for an about two hours. When he's at home, he spends a lot of time reading his chapters for class, working on weekly assignments, and then preparing for his larger presentations and papers. Unlike most people, he reads all of the assigned chapter of the textbook each week, no skimming for my hubby! Surprisingly, he also starts his paper waaaaaaaay early by reading books on his topics, outlining, finding quotations (and writing them on paper?!?!), drafting, editing, revising....the whole shebang people! He really detests doing the work, but it eats at him if he doesn't.

At the same time that I am happily piddling around, I feel guilty. I feel guilty that I'm not utilizing my education and pulling in a bigger paycheck. I feel guilty that I'm not at the gym working off my infertility fat and deployment fat for a couple of hours a day. I feel guilty that I'm not all that interested in engaging with life around me.

There's such a big part of me that is not what I use to be. I use to love being active and doing things. I use to live in foreign countries. I use to have pep in my clothes and attitude! What's happened to me? Because now, the thought of doing those things sounds fun, but it just seems like a hassle.

I'd love to blame this all on infertility or depression. That would certainly be easier than changing. Because the reality is that there is always something that makes me not feel like getting up and going, one year it's being too busy with my master's program while another I'm too busy dealing with work, too busy jumping on a plane to visit my boy, too anxious about waiting to get married, too sad from endless deployments, too much going on with infertility. . .

Life is passing me by in this blur, and I'm not quite sure how to jump on and be part of the action instead of watching it in black and white.

My life has plenty of great moments and hours with my hubby, my family, my friends and darling Sweetpea. But I can't be with them all the time. When I'm not, I'm just kind of floating.

My hubby sees this. He comments on it. I can see his frustration about it on his face. He loves me and wants better for me. The problem with our discussion about this is that there really is not a resolution. We talked and resolved the other aspects of the discussion, but I think this lay at the heart of the matter. He obviously can't solve this for me.

Obviously, I'm thinking way too much. But hey, that's whatza percolating right now.



  1. I know this feeling....inertia. I KNOW I need to get myself out of a funk, but I don't want to spend the energy to do it. I don't sleep as well, I get out of bed late, I don't feel like going out...not sure when it ends or how it ends, but I suppose eventually it does. Underneath this we are INTERESTING! people and will settle back into that when out lives are better under control...let's hope. :)

  2. I'm glad you and the hubby are able to have good discussions about these kinds of things. And even though they feel unproductive, these discussions are quite productive--it's good to talk about these things, to keep communication open.

    Sigh. I feel ya. My schedule actually keeps me very busy during the week (doing things I do not enjoy, mostly)...but when I have moments of down time, I completely languish in it. Like, I just completely shut off to the rest of the world--I've dropped my hobbies, seldomly call friends, and in general have stopped doing the things that used to be fun but now seem like a hassel. You'd think that I'd use that down time to reconnect with the things that give me energy and spark my interest...but it's the exact opposite. I keep telling myself that I will be a normal person again once everything settles next year, but I worry that I've fallen into a yucky habit of not engaging with people and things that are important to me.

    I don't know...we're human. We try to give it our best in our own unique circumstances. Hang in there...don't be too hard on yourself. ;)

  3. Ummm... it could be because you got uprooted, live in the middle of no-where (trust me the few weeks I lived with my in laws ALMOST killed me), and that the base (oops, post) is full of drama! :) But I understand needing to be defined my more then infertility, though that seems to be something that is always on the brain. You can come down here anytime you want! :)

  4. Ready for my theory? I can only say this because if I didn't have to go to my day job every day, I would be doing exactly what you're doing, and that IS: being a stay-at-home mom! That's what we really want to be doing, isn't it? Just because there's no baby yet doesn't mean we aren't interested in going through the motions! And spending the last several years thinking that any month now we could be pregnant and finally get to be at home with our baby doesn't make it easy to plan! And REALLY, so much literature out there points to a low-stress lifestyle as being helpful to fertility. For what it's worth, I say (in my OWN loud Italian voice) don't stress yourself over not having stress in your life for a little while. Your body and your fertility will benefit from this slow and simple existence.

  5. I second the mad hatter. Also, it's not like you didn't already have a busy life out in CA or need to over achieve and get your degree in 3 years. Love you much and you will find your rhythm...

  6. I third what Mad Hatter says! She definitely hit the nail right on the head! Seriously! I couldn't have said it better myself. I also fell into that "funk" but getting back in school subbing and being around people on a more regular basis has helped me with the healing process. And if you really feel up to getting motivated, hire a trainer! It's what helped me get my ass in gear to feel great physically and mentally. Best!

  7. I KNOW that funk. You will sort it out in time. I am glad to hear from you!!! It's been too long!!!

  8. WOW, I think you just walked into my head and wrote down exactly what was there. Scary really.
    If you find a way out of your rut let me know, 'cause I could sure use one too :)

    Big hugs to you!

  9. IVF can and does change you. I feel a lot like you do. Things sound fun but the hassle just isn't worth it. I have to make myself do things and a lot of weekends all I want to do is stay in my house and not answer the phone. I can only imagine how the move and knowing you will be moving again soon has affected you. Hang in there!