My hubby and I had quite a discussion the other night. We don't scream and yell or throw tantrums. We don't discuss in a monotone voices either. Instead, my hubby pops out his Italian loud voice, his sarcasm, and his unshakable sense of confidence in his logic and self. I bring tears, an understanding of the emotional side of life, and a huge deep well of sensitivity. What comes out is usually a pretty productive discussion that finds some type of resolution or compromise.
One pervasive element of our discussions has been my lack of productivity lately. With the latest move, a complicated donor egg cycle coming up, and then another imminent move, I haven't really found a place for myself here. Without a defined or heftier work schedule, I tend to sleep late, read, poke around on my computer and go to acupuncture. Sometime during the day or week, I fit in my work on my two online courses, walk the dog, empty the dishwasher, clean the house, cook dinner and occasionally exercise. Most of the stuff that's not fun, I like to procrastinate on. After all, why not? All in all, I'm pretty damn happy doing so.
In contrast, my hubby wakes up at 4:15ish, goes to PT (physical training), comes home, showers, coffee, then attends training class from about 7:30 until about 4:30. Then on Monday and Tuesday nights he attends classes for his masters for an about two hours. When he's at home, he spends a lot of time reading his chapters for class, working on weekly assignments, and then preparing for his larger presentations and papers. Unlike most people, he reads all of the assigned chapter of the textbook each week, no skimming for my hubby! Surprisingly, he also starts his paper waaaaaaaay early by reading books on his topics, outlining, finding quotations (and writing them on paper?!?!), drafting, editing, revising....the whole shebang people! He really detests doing the work, but it eats at him if he doesn't.
At the same time that I am happily piddling around, I feel guilty. I feel guilty that I'm not utilizing my education and pulling in a bigger paycheck. I feel guilty that I'm not at the gym working off my infertility fat and deployment fat for a couple of hours a day. I feel guilty that I'm not all that interested in engaging with life around me.
There's such a big part of me that is not what I use to be. I use to love being active and doing things. I use to live in foreign countries. I use to have pep in my clothes and attitude! What's happened to me? Because now, the thought of doing those things sounds fun, but it just seems like a hassle.
I'd love to blame this all on infertility or depression. That would certainly be easier than changing. Because the reality is that there is always something that makes me not feel like getting up and going, one year it's being too busy with my master's program while another I'm too busy dealing with work, too busy jumping on a plane to visit my boy, too anxious about waiting to get married, too sad from endless deployments, too much going on with infertility. . .
Life is passing me by in this blur, and I'm not quite sure how to jump on and be part of the action instead of watching it in black and white.
My life has plenty of great moments and hours with my hubby, my family, my friends and darling Sweetpea. But I can't be with them all the time. When I'm not, I'm just kind of floating.
My hubby sees this. He comments on it. I can see his frustration about it on his face. He loves me and wants better for me. The problem with our discussion about this is that there really is not a resolution. We talked and resolved the other aspects of the discussion, but I think this lay at the heart of the matter. He obviously can't solve this for me.
Obviously, I'm thinking way too much. But hey, that's whatza percolating right now.