good day + a ray of hope

Yep, I had a date today! A blogger date! I can kind of be shy when I first meet someone IRL, so I was a little nervous to meet Mrs Pave! She's one of those people who you feel like you have known forever once you get chatting. Talking about the fun of IF, being married to military men, teaching...while eating a little Mexican food made for a really good day. Since we both have flexible schedules, we're going to hit some shopping a little later this week. Yippee!

Is it really Halloween today? I wouldn't know since my hubby wanted to be the Halloween grinch this year. We turned our light off.  Gasp! Yep, we were those people this year. It was probably much better for my mental health anyway!

There is a ray of hope that I'm daring to get slightly excited about in the IF ring. Might this be another piece of the puzzle coming together? ...keep all of your appendages crossed!

Happy Halloween!

xoxo

The comfy horse...

Our merry-go-round was a little merrier today. The financial coordinator at my Louisiana RE's office called me back today with the estimate of what the donor egg cycle. Let's just say that they don't have any extra charges besides the tests required by the FDA which will cost, wait for it, $459. In addition, I will need to contact a lawyer to draw up our contract.

My lovely clinic does not split the cycle and charge independently for FairyEgg's treatment and my treatment. They don't squeeze me for every possible dime (or possibly penny) in my pocket. They don't charge a $7800 administrative fee! Yay!

Granted, I know that my doctor is probably one of the most reasonable in the entire United States. In fact the coordinator told me that he hasn't raised his rates in five years since he opened up the clinic. Seriously? Tell me that his focus isn't helping people! I get it, it's a business. I certainly hope he makes a reasonable profit because he works very hard! But at the same time, as a patient, I respect him for his perspective. It kind of restores my faith in people.

So, it looks like we've taken a step closer. We're going to wait for a Day 3 test for FairyEggs sometime this month. Soon I will need to talk to the nurse and figure out how to coordinate and lump together as many tests as possible to keep FairyEggs from flying down there as much as possible. She is a complete trooper about all of this because she's willing to endure the flying and needles that she is none too fond of. At least we will be taking the comfy horse route and going with people I know! I can't wait for her to write some guest blogs!

I'm also really happy that FairyEggs' Mom (whom I adore) will be coming down for the fun during the monitoring and egg retrieval. She'll definitely help keep FairyEggs calm and more relaxed during the process.

In other news, I dyed my hair a bright red color and changed up the style a bit. Red and fun! Maybe it's a girl thing, but there is something so refreshing about doing something new with the hair.  It's certainly helped me feel better and gain a little tiny itty-bitty piece of perspective.

xoxo

merry-go-round

Roller-coaster? Tight-rope? Space Mountain? Today I've decided I'm on a merry-go-round. Why you ask? Because on a merry-go-round, you not only spin in futile circles, but you also go up and down on your little horse! That's pretty much me in a nutshell right now. I know, I know....I have been very aware of my craziness lately. It's because I'm really without a plan, spinning in a circle. As my family knows, I'm pretty much only happy when I have a plan. Until I have a plan, I am in full research mode making the effing plan! So here is a list of the horses that are swirling around in my head:

• The shiny pink horse (aka donor egg cycle with known donor) - My donor, FairyEggs, lives very close to a medical center where a friend of my current RE works. Yesterday I made the appointment for a consultation with Dr.M in a couple of weeks and also asked to speak to the financial coordinator. She wasn't in, but she called me with all of the financial goodies! Oh yay! Come to find out, a known donor cycle there still incurs a $7800 administrative fee at that clinic! Which would make a grand total of $19,304 + meds + some additional testing. Hmm. That doesn't really fit into my responsible budgeting. 
• The comfy horse - Bite the bullet and drag FairyEggs across the country to my current RE back in Louisiana. This would mean lots of time in a hotel. Also FairyEggs would have to be away from her FairyKiddos for quite awhile which is very hard for her. So right now, I'm waiting for their financial coordinator to call me to let me know how much a donor egg cycle would run there. Since the laws in Louisiana are different, I'm hoping for a better price and the comfort of working with people I know. 
• The shady green horse - Called Shady Grove Fertility to get the pricing for their shared risk, shared donor and also the shared risk donor programs. Wow, they really bring the price down by sharing donors cycles! What is more impressive is that they put their money where their mouth is and offer 100% refunds for their shared risk program. They also work well with out-of-town patients and have what looks like a well-oiled plan to reduce travel times. Might be worth pursuing.
• The frozen horse - Embryo Adoption/Donation. Yes, you have heard me rant about this in my previous post, but it is still an option as I might find someone willing to privately donate their embies if they are done growing their family. 
• The red horse with stars - Adoption. A fellow blogger pointed me a direction of a very reasonable domestic infant adoption program. They contacted me within an hour of my request and were very straightforward. For this though, we would really need to wait until we moved. :( Ugh.

These are all the fun things spinning around in my head. Of course my hormonal ups and downs are keeping life fun too. Good thing my husband loves me! :) 

xoxo

Appointments and More!

Everyday seems like it brings on tears and excitement all wrapped up into one very emotionally charged wife.

Excitement comes from the fact that today I scheduled appointments for my new primary care doctor, my new RE, and my new hairstylist. Whoo! The best appointment news by far was that I get to see my new RE in two weeks. My egg donor and I will be going in together to discuss my history and the new plan and have the initial consultation. I am relieved to know that it is in just two weeks because I waited about three months for my initial referral and consultation with Dr. S.

Last night and today I did a lot of research on embryo adoption that mainly come from the leftover embryos that couples donate for other couples. I have been really amazed that going this direction would still cost about 5k.  While certain expenses are completely understandable, I'm a little disgusted with the companies because they make more work than is legally necessary in requiring a home-study. I get why donating parents might want a home-study done, but for those that don't? Why is being required? Having a baby seems to be just more business for a lot of places than anything. Call me idealistic, but I don't think having a baby should be all about money.

The tears came today when my hubby came home, and I told him my 'exciting' news about the consult. He reacted to the news by asking what was the point in me flying down there. I can understand him wanting to know why this visit is necessary and trying to clump as many appointments together as possible to reduce traveling costs. However, I took it quite badly because he was being his usual loud Italian self. Of course, I went on the defensive and ended up bursting into tears and curling into a ball on our bed. We worked it out in the end, but what it comes down to is that...I do not ask the same questions that he does. When Dr. S. tells me to schedule a consultation for me and my egg donor--I do that! I assume it is necessary. Hubby wants to know why, what's going to happen, and how often I'll need to go down there. The tears just came because I'm walking on an emotional high-wire and keep falling off!

Hope all is well in blogland!

xoxo

Sincerity Award

This award has to go to two of my favorite bloggers:
ASP and Hope4joy 
because they are delightfully sincere
and
I'm sure they would dig this shoe!

Bat-Chit Crazy!

Looking over my blogs from the last week I seriously think I'm bat-chit crazy. Up and down doesn't even really describe what I have been feeling. From all of the changes, I feel like I've been riding on Space Mountain--flying through the dark with random bright lights appearing. It makes me feel ashamed of myself in a way like I should be stronger and more in control.

I know that all the craziness will subside...I just gotta get there.

Phone Call with RE

This morning I woke up to a phone call from my doctor. First, he apologized for waking me up. Like I'm going to complain that my doctor returned my phone call on a Sunday at 9:30 when my lazy self was lounging in bed! I'm just glad he got back to me so quickly!

He started off with a discussion that although the percentage of success is probably around 20% for my eggs, we could keep pursuing that if we wanted. I quickly stopped that train of thought because I am much past the emotional heartbreak that my eggs keep giving us.

Then he started explaining the logistics of donor eggs and the laws in Louisiana. Did you know that in Louisiana, it is illegal for a donor to be compensated for their "donation"? I was quite surprised when I had first learned this through an article on google. Although a lot of countries don't allow egg donation for compensation, it is quite a lucrative business in the U.S. with donor fees alone running between 5-10k.

Anyway, when I explained our situation with moving and the donor, he said that he was sure that he could find someone more convenient for us than trying to travel back to Louisiana.

He assured me that my donor information sounded good. Moreover, even though he didn't have someone right off the top of his head in Missouri, he does have a good friend who practices where my donor lives. I haven't found too many good things about two of the clinics where she lives but apparently the third clinic is where his colleague works. He told me he had tried to lure her away from her current practice many times to become a partner with him! That in and by itself is a great indication of her quality.

What I most appreciated about our discussion is that he is not just leaving me to the wolves even though we have moved out of the area. I feel he has our best interests at heart. As such, he's going to call his colleague to talk to her about us and double check the clinic's statistics before he sends us that direction. He also told me that I could call or email him anytime with questions even when we are working with another doctor if we had concerns. I think that's pretty awesome.

**********



Also, I must say thanks to Liberal Granola Girl and Khiara for my nomination for the Kreativ Blogger Award! As per the rules, here are the seven things you don't know about me:

1. My husband and I met in a country bar in Korea.
2. I hate cake, but love pie and cookies.
3. I would rather buy dog toys than jewelry. (I just lose it anyway! Eek!)
4. I'm the only person in the south who prefers unsweet tea to sweet tea (sugary sludge, I tell you!)
5. My first year of marriage, I lived with my sister. lol
6. I never wanted to be a teacher. hahaha
7. Right now I should be grading papers but am instead blogging!

Have a great day!

xoxo

Crabby with Unexpected Good Things

The rant:
With the advent of AF coming, I have been feeling incredibly cranky and crampy. That's pretty strange for me, but considering I just had a truck-full of fertility meds dumped into my body, it's understandable. The most irritating part is the constant headache that accompanies me as my hormone levels have dropped. It's pretty much like a big kick in the face. Hey, you just got a BFN and now what do you get, a chitty weekend! Congratulations! And hey, hubby, your wife who spent a day crying, a day and a half glued to her computer researching adoption, is now a BFWitch! LOL. Urg. Okay, the pity party is done.

The excitement of the day:
When V and I were walking Sweetpea, we saw one of my favorite insects--a walking stick!

The update: 
After our conversation about using donor eggs, I have been looking through many many websites looking at the different costs of using an anonymous donor. What it comes down to is about an extra 10k for the agency fee, donor payment, legal fees, insurance, etc. Wow. Scary price.

Of course I also thought about using donor eggs from somebody we know. But how the hell do you ask someone, "Hey, would you mind sticking yourself with a bunch of needles, bloat yourself up, and become best friends with a dildo cam, so that you can hand over some of your genetic material so I can procreate?" Hmm. That would be a fun conversation.

I would dearly love to use my sister (who freely offered) as a donor so that it would have some of the family genes, but as she is my older sister, it's probably not the best choice. I love her to pieces for offering though.

There are other cousins, who I have thought about asking over the past few days, but I've just been unsure about the whole thing.

So when I was talking about the whole situation with a friend, she confessed that there was no way she could ever do it. Her initial reaction was that it would be "her" child. How could you be friends with someone knowing they had your child? I could totally understand where she was coming from. So let's say I was blown away when she called me back the next day and said, "I can't stop thinking about it." After talking it over, she came to the realization that she wouldn't have that attachment....

OMG, my husband just came and rubbed my shoulders for a few minutes...sigh.

....in an inappropriate way. If she loved my child, it wouldn't much different than the fact that she loved them because they were mine. When she told me this, I literally could not respond because I burst into tears that came straight out of my heart. I can't think of much better, for my kids to have the genes of someone I know and love. Wouldn't that make it more special? We also have a lot of the same physical characteristics which would make it neat.

So while there is a lot to still be figured out, I am amazed that I have such wonderful friends and family. I shouldn't be amazed but I am because such a gift is something incredible.

xoxo

Hit the Brakes!

That's the screech of the Let's-Have-a-Cini-Baby Plan you hear! Perhaps we (I) were too hasty in announcing our plans to the world and my family and my friends.  So now what you are hearing is our discussion of what we might do. 

Today V and I went shopping at an outlet mall about an hour from our house. Between the lack of weekday traffic and constant rain, we pretty much had the place all to ourselves. That's my kind of shopping! So is it strange that V bought more than I did? Of course, I cracked a joke when we walked by the maternity store saying "Yay, now I don't have to buy a new wardrobe!" I laughed. V looked at me like I was nuts! I also passed on the beautiful, shiny purse that sucked me in at the C.oach store. Yep, I'm happiest with sweats, fun and comfy shoes, and a pretty purse.

At lunch, V told me he was rethinking things. But first you have to understand that my husband literally NEVER changes his mind. It took me a good year of dating him to convince him that khakis were not the enemy. So anything that changes is usually with me pointing out  something over a long, long period of time. 

So as we were talking about home-studies, V explained that the information I gave him about donor eggs had sunk in more. We talked more about the details and decided to put donor eggs back on the table with adoption.  

Hopefully tomorrow we will be having a discussion with Dr. S about the next step. Then some more thinking about whether or not we will switch to a closer clinic now that we have moved, donor eggs....lots of stuff! 

Thanks for all of your support over the last few days. 

xoxo

Hold onto your panties, we're changing course!

Welcome to any ICLW readers! You can catch up on my details by scanning the right hand side boxes.

I must say that I was delusional to think I would feel like commenting during this month's round of ICLW. After my BFN on IVF#2, I'm not really in the frame of mind to leave comments. Well certainly not many comments that people would actually like to read!

Typically during my IF treatments, I knew what was coming next, or at least, what was coming after a BFN...the next IUI, waiting for cysts to vamos, waiting for my husband to come home from the sandbox, and then it was IVF and then IVF round 2, moving, blah, blah, blah. But if IVF#2 failed, I didn't really have a plan. I think that was the hardest part of yesterday. I couldn't just pick myself up and start planning the next treatment because I didn't know what it would be. And that, that is how I have gotten through these treatments without going crazy.

So what comes next?

When he called to tell us the news, Dr. Storment mentioned yesterday the next cycle would probably need to be donor eggs.  Hmmm.

Thought about it.
Talked to V about it.
For us, this is where we stood.

Donor Eggs: Pros -I would still get to carry the baby and the baby could have some of V's quirks(!). Cons: an extra 10k above the cost of in-vitro and still no guarantees.

So then I thought about embryo adoption. Pros: quick turnaround, lower cost, still get to carry the baby Cons: still no guarantees.

I put the money factor in because I like to be fiscally responsible. For me, I feel better about life if I work with the money I have instead of taking on debt. So any option we choose has to work within a budget. At the same time, what is the point of having money in the bank and no one crawling around on my living room floor? So appropriately for a Libra, I try to balance the financial aspect and the desire for a child.

So we contemplated all of this and decided we were done with all of the above.

Truthfully, I feel so relieved.

I probably won't feel as relieved in a few months when we're working on our homestudy. Yes, you heard me right. Hold on to your panties, we are headed towards adoption.

What it boiled down to was that we want to have a baby as soon as possible. With V having two steps into the forties, we want a path that's more definitive for us.

I think this is what is right for us.

I hope my blogger friends stay with me as we change courses. I still look forward to cheering you on through your treatments and through the many babies that are on the way. The adoption path is not easy, and I hope to have your support on it.

xoxo

The fat lady sang.

Well the fat lady sang me a big BFN this afternoon.

I wasn't surprised because FirstResponse told me it was a negative this morning when I woke up.

I haven't even really cried except a few tears here and there. I'm just absolutely effing pissed.

The anger and tears are roiling up inside me that this is the hand we have been dealt.

POAS (aka pee on a stick)

The EPT test has four little lines that make up the thicker line. A positive is a plus sign and a negative a minus sign.

So, yesterday my test had one of the four lines making the plus sign. Yay right? I thought today there might be more. But, and there is always a but, today there were none. Just the minus sign was there. So...I don't anticipate good news tomorrow for my Beta. We'll see.

xoxo

**Warning** Couples Retreat

After writing my last post about how quickly the 2ww wait was passing quickly, it stopped moving quite so fast. Pretty much my goal has been to make it through the day without taking two naps. One is okay. Two is just lazy. So, since a girl has to keep busy, my honey and I went to go see the movie "Couples Retreat". 

Seeing the previews, I expected to laugh and enjoy myself completely. I did laugh a lot, but I also cried and I'm not really a movie crier. Why you ask? Without giving anything away, let me tell you. The one couple wants to go to the resort because they are thinking about getting divorced. Here's the best part. The reason they are considering it is because they have been in the infertile game for twelve months and it has taxed their marriage to the point where they don't have fun together anymore. Um yeah, that's a ball of laughs. Really. 

Part of the movie made me cry, simply because the pent up frustration and fears that I have had about infertility. A week or so ago, while we sat at Waffle House {nice and intimate place for this discussion}, I asked my hubby if he would ever leave me because of this. Yes, I was under the influence of hormonal drugs. At the same time though, this is certainly one of my fears. We got married later in life and I presume that part of the reason is because he wanted to have a family. So, I think this is a valid question.

He looked at me like I had grown two heads and said something to this effect:
He loved me.
He didn't marry my ovaries or my uterus.
He married me because he wanted a partner in life, someone to share it with.

One thing that I have always loved about my husband is that he takes his commitment to me seriously. He's had enough time to live the bachelor life and enjoy it, but now he wants (and has) more. I like a man who knows what he wants. And despite all the crap that we are going through, he wants me.

I think that infertility can break a relationship or help it to grow stronger. You certainly don't want it to grow stronger in this way, but the fact is that it can. I thank whatever higher power is out there that I have him in my life.  He makes me a better person. He's taught me how to stick and work through things together. Infertility is one of those things on our journey that is hard.

At the point, I would really love to go wherever the movie was filmed. I know it's not really cold here, but living in Louisiana has made me a complete wimp. I also have a complete lack of winter clothing except for the jackets {since I'm a jacket-wh-ore!}.

Keep warm wherever you are and be prepared if you go see this movie! Also thanks hope4joy and ASP for the lovely award. Love it!

Tired. 5dp3dt

A lot has changed in my scenery in the last few days.

The day after my bed-rest was over, my hubby and I packed up our vehicles one last time and hit the road for Missouri. My husband is an absolute monster who can drive twelve hours with two stops for gas and coffee. As a smart guy, he didn't expect me to do the same. {evil grin} So I slugged through the twelve hours, without caffeine and with the dog in my car. My saving grace was my family and best friend who talked to me when I started wandering off onto the rumble strips. Note, my dog jumps straight up and panics when she hears that sound.  I guess it works for more than just the two legged.

Now once again, I must say that I love my husband. Seriously, the man had half the house already unpacked. In the three days since, we've (the term used loosely) managed to unpack the other half, organize the things we're not unpacking, stock the fridge, get my fingerprints done for a background check, buy a sweet kitchen table, a new coffee and side tables, sweet-talk a pharmacy tech into expediting my blood pressure medication...whew, I'm tired just writing about it. Why am I so tired? I have no freaking clue because I've been resting at every opportunity and directing traffic from the couch.

It is grrrrreat to have my comfy belongings back and be out of the effing hotel room! Having a nice home cooked meal after three weeks of roughing it on salad bars, subway, and more and more restaurants meals is also such a relief. I was also relieved to see that the injectable induced bloating weight has dropped off. Yay for the little things!

The last time I went through this, I spent almost the full two weeks laying on the couch, gently walking my dog, and watching lots of TV. This time, I've handled it differently and it has certainly made the time pass faster. I actually have to look up how many days post transfer it is....that's a little strange right? Yep, we are at 5dp3dt. One of the fun things about moving right now is that I have to figure out where I can get a beta test done. So to add to the fun, I get to go to some strange place. This time, I certainly plan on using the POAS method. When can I test using one of those?

Until next time!

xoxo

The (sad) irony

To add to my week of being shocked, this morning I woke up to a text from a teacher I worked with last year. One of my students is pregnant. As common as this would if I taught high school, the thing is that I teach on the elementary side.  So that makes the girl desperately young and unprepared for the reality of what just happened.

How ironic is it that a twelve year old girl will get pregnant when it's definitely not the right time, and a thirty-three year old can not get knocked up for the life of her?

What makes me even more sad about the situation is that she has no guidance whatsoever. She often sends me messages asking basic life advice. It kills me. I spent all of last year convincing her that dropping out of school at sixteen was not a plan that would work well for her.

It's just sad.

As for me, my bed rest is almost up. We are actually leaving Louisiana tomorrow morning and driving up to our new place in Missouri.

I remember when I first came here, I was not a huge fan of Louisiana living although I just figured it was a new experience for us. But over the last couple of years, I have come to really appreciate  the culture, the laid back lifestyle, and people who are friendly for no reason! Even more, I will miss our first house that my husband and I shared for the first few years of our marriage.

On to the next adventure.....

xoxo

The suckers are in!

Thank you so much for all the lovely comments over the past week. I really have had no hope over the past few days, so I was surprised to find myself slapped with better and better news each day. I say slapped because I felt shock with every turn in fortune.

At the transfer, the relief on the staff's faces was apparent when we talked about the development of the embryos. The embryologist told me today that they had caught up to where they should be on day three. Seriously, that was pretty unbelievable news. 

Moreover, I actually had two to put in. After the week we've had, I would have been happy to have one. But to have two, that is a flat out miracle.

I am unbelievably grateful to be able to have a 2ww this time. That's not to say I won't be freaking crazy with impatience to find out the results, but for today, I just feel lucky.

So ladies and gentlemen, the suckers are in! And now, I will be staying in bed for the next 48 hours...I'm sure you'll hear from me. :D

xoxo

Seriously

Now there are two.

The one from this morning is dividing.
Another one decided to wake up and the DNA combined.

Seriously...!

xoxo

**Transfer is schedule for tomorrow at 9:30. :D

My one straggler

One made it through the night!

It only takes one.

In the meantime, I think aliens have highjacked my body. What is with the crying, being pissed off, laughing, and the general numb feeling for the rest of the moments of the day? I think all of the max dosage of fertility meds have accumulated and unleashed their wrath on my emotions. It's all part of the ride, right? The fact that I escaped relatively unscathed last cycle apparently does not apply to this one!

So, thanks for listening through the craze.

xoxo

No Fat Lady Singing Yet

I talked to Dr. S a few minutes ago and got some clarification. The three eggs that were delayed fertilization were too immature to ICSI (inserting the sperm into the egg) earlier, but they were coaxing them along to the right stage. When they left the lab they were still trucking along, so we'll wait until tomorrow morning for more news to see if the fertilization took.

Although I'm pretty much without hope right now, I really appreciate you keeping the positive thoughts going and for writing messages. I guess the fat lady hasn't sung yet.

xoxo

Not so good

Well, you know it's not good when the clinic calls you at 8:30, and they usually call at 7:30 on the dot. You know it's not good when the doctor calls instead of the embryologist too. Are you noticing a theme here?

After a few pleasantries we got down to business with the following, "the egg quality was not good." We have three delayed fertilized eggs. And for the good news, wait, that was it! One egg was too immature and the other one too mature.

So, we'll wait and see if any of the delayed fert eggs make it today.

I turned over and had to tell hubby. He's never really been through this before so I had to explain that this was one baby step up from the worst case scenario. I'm sure he's disappointed, but he's his usual strong, pragmatic self.

There is no sobbing today but just a few tears as he snuggled me.

Mentally, I think I have already packed my bags on this cycle. It will take me about half an hour to pack up my stuff at the hotel and get the hell out of dodge. We could be on the road tomorrow to our new house in a new state.

xoxo

Well...

This morning I woke up to be completely wide awake before the alarm went off. I read my emails and blogs then piddled around and threw my clothes on. The drive was foggy which is a lot of fun when I'm staring through my coke-bottle glasses. However we made it there to find out that I was the only patient in the ART center, so I would be the center of attention.

The same nurse A, managed to get my IV in after only two sticks which was great since they usually do it five times with my rolling veins. We sat and watched "Charmed" and ESPN while we waited for the time to roll around. Hubby got led off to the play room to do his part--my champ! Then off I went rolling in my hospital bed to the procedure room. I climbed on the big bed and went poof--right under into lala land.

I woke up with my dry mouth and immediately asked how many. "Five, all from the right side," hubby said.

I burst into tears. Sobbing. Curled up in a ball. *enter fuzzy fog--the rest of it filled in by hubby*

Apparently, I said to hubby that "I'm broke."

He tried to reason with me, cheer me up, pull out percentages.

Then Nurse A came in and saw me bawling. She said, "it only takes one." Then she went and got Dr. S.

Dr. S came in and told me that five was great for me and about about what he expected. He said other nice things which I can't remember, but did help me to be able to breathe again. He gave my hand a squeeze and left.

I'm sure that I'm over reacting. Everybody else seems happy about it but me (and SuperNurse S who said she almost cried when she found out). I don't get it. The difference between three eggs to five eggs is negligible. I'm hoping that these eggs are mature unlike last time and we will have some, if not more than one, to replace.

Hubby told me later that he wished I would stop beating myself up about my body being broken. That these things aren't my fault. That we will reassess our options if this doesn't work out--nothing is off the table. He is a good man. But he did torture me a little by making me go to Target on the way home to pick up some snacks and feminine things. I got to ride one of the electronic carts. hehe.

I wish this post was more eloquent but, I am just raw, teary, and discouraged. I'll let you know how the fertilization report goes tomorrow.

xoxo

Love Happens

Going to the movies is one of my favorite things to do especially when it's raining outside. Today's choice was "Love Happens," which I expected to be a romcom and found to be something different.

Although it wasn't the best movie I have ever seen, I was really moved by the grief I felt from Aaron Ec.khart's character. He loses his wife in a tragic accident and then struggles, despite the success of helping others overcome their grief, to face the heart of his pain. This depth is locked up tight inside of him as he fakes his way through each day and the necessity of "moving on."

Infertility is something I think we tend to lock up inside of us and don't share with our families and friends. How can we? We smile, work hard, feed the dog, and shoot ourselves full of expensive meds. It is something too painful for everyday dissection. I turned to blogging out of a desperate loneliness to find others who understood. I shared the website with my family and friends so that they could understand without being faced with the social awkwardness. My mom has a hard time reading it because it makes her heart hurt for me. Why does it do this?

Today is a good day filled with good news. But you know the reality of infertility, nothing is guaranteed. My situation in this round is far better than in my first round of IVF, but that doesn't really mean anything because failure, disaster, and disappointment can be right around the corner. Even with my positive thinking, lucky socks, and support from my beloved family, my IRL friends, and my dear blogger friends, this is a truth I have come to accept.

It seems like a similar theme throughout life. With my hubby in the Army, the reality of death in a training exercise or deployment seems to be a risk that I come to terms with. This is something I am sure many spouses of police officers, fire fighters, and other more hands-on jobs have come to accept in their own way. Every time he leaves for a deployment and in the months in between, I feel the pain of a potential loss. I grieve his potential loss in the hopes that if one day it does happen my heart would be hardened enough that I will be able to survive it.

This started on his first deployment, when he told me that he would be calling sporadically since he would be traveling around the country. The next day on the news, there was a report that a helicopter went down. Since we weren't married yet, I wouldn't have been the one to see the green uniforms walk to the door. But around every corner, I expected to see them. I worried until I got his next phone call. After that, I stopped watching the news intently while he was gone. The everyday concern was just a slap in the face. So I avoided the news, and I avoided the pain.

I feel the same way about infertility. But the problem with infertility is that I can't just wait out the twelve months like I do for my husband. I can't avoid the grief that happens with every BFN. I can't stop watching the news with this because babies are in the car next to us on the drive home, in the doctor's office, in the grocery store, in magazines, and moreover woven into the thread of what I expected from life.

I wonder if the pain and grief that accompanies infertility will ever leave. Will the birth of a healthy baby heal some of these wounds? I don't think it will. There will always be the knowledge that this kind of loss is possible.

What I liked most about this movie is the acknowledgement that there is a lingering struggle. Despite what we accept about our lives, there are things that are okay to be worked through. He struggles with the grief even after he has gone through the motions. It's okay. His relationship with friends, family, and even his work strengthen through the journey.

I'd like to think that whichever way this turns out that I'll be a better person. Hopefully, I'll be a better mom. If not, I'd like to think I'll be a better friend, a closer daughter, a more connected wife, and a more understanding person because of the struggle. Infertility will not be my destination, but rather my journey.

Over-Easy

The follies are cooked! Although I'm disgusted by runny yolk, over-easy is exactly what we are shooting for with my follies at 18, 18, 18, 18, 18 and a couple more well done at 21 and 22. A few are still in the skillet bubbling at a gentle 15, 15, 14.

My E2 level poured out today like orange juice at a tangy 1250! I gulped the news done as is this my new record for an E2 level!

The HCG trigger is scheduled tonight for 8:30 pm. I'm thinking positive thoughts that this puts the final seasoning on the eggs to mature and be ready for extraction with Dr. S. We'll be heading to the hospital on Tuesday around 7 am.

Hubby will be hitting the road tomorrow morning to make it in time for his donation on Tuesday. I'm planning to wear the Frankenstein socks (thank you voters) for the egg retrieval and then pink argyle socks for something homey and inviting for the (hopeful) egg transfer.

At this time in the last cycle, we were contemplating cancellation. So comparatively, today my belly is filled with warm news.

xoxo

Let's Vote

In the celebration of having too much time on my hands in a hotel room, Sweetpea presents.....drum role please, the fertility sock choices! From left to right you have 1) pink argyle 2) black/green ghosts 3) black/green Frankenstein!

This is of course a vital decision since last time I did not have any lucky socks and froze my toes off! I did have cute pink toes sticking up in the air in the stirrups though. Vote for which ones I should wear on egg retrieval day! :D

xoxo

Good

Starting off the day, I wondered if today would bring good fortune. I must say a resounding, "yes!" Here are the deets:

Follicles: Lefty - 15, 15, 12, 10, 10 Righty - 13, 12, 11, 10, 10, 10 mm

Estradiol: 755 pg/ml

Yes, you read that right! My E2 level was 755! Whoopee most of you IFers would say. But for my body, this is the highest number I have had in the past two years. Hopefully this indicates that my growing follicles do actually hold an egg that Dr. S can suck out next week.

In response, Dr. S is lowering my dose back to the original dosage which is his "rule". Since nothing over 600 iu has been proven to have an impact, he apparently always stays under this guideline. But he looked at me today and said I think you are the exception to the rule. Me, a rule breaker, ha. I grew out of that in high school because I always got caught! ;)

Way down, I am so damn scared that this is not going to work. Every step that we take I look for what the goal is for me to hit. Like today the goal was for my E2 to be somewhere from 400-1000 which is a big range. I was personally hoping for something over 600. So, today I cheer that I actually was in a normal range. But I know that there are still many more days of hoping to hit the target. One day at a frackin time.

On the way home, I stopped at SuperTar.get and picked up a pair of socks to wear on egg retrieval day. I found a pair of cute Halloween skull and bones slippers, but no really good spooky socks. So instead I went for the ultra-conservative argyle pattern. I'm not sure if they're the ones. So, it's a good excuse to go shopping. Of course Sweetpea had to check them out when I was taking the pic.

Meanwhile, up in Missouri, hubby had all of the household goods delivered. The furniture made it up there unscathed except for one shelf in are armoire which got the corner knocked off. Whoops. He went and played in ManMecca (aka Lo.wes) to find the light bulbs that were burned out in our new rental. Hmm....any excuse to go there! I'm so thankful that he's taking care of this for us. It will be great after the egg transfer to go up there and at least have a bed and some basics taken care of already.

After all of the fun in the morning, I dashed back to the hotel right before a monstrous headache slammed into my skull. After playing with Sweetpea, I dived into bed for a nap which kind of helped. I would like it to go away now, thanks for playing! Tomorrow, Sweetpea and I have big plans to go walking at the park and then head to the dog park area. Wootwoot! Maybe I'll even fit in a little ice cream break and call about a massage.

The next appointment is Sunday morning. I'll keep you posted!

xoxo