Threads

**For those who are coming for the first time, this post is about my lovely friend Fairyeggs who donated her eggs to me for our third IVF cycle. I wrote about how I felt about our relationship after I took my son E to North Carolina to meet her and her family for the first time when he was one.**

Before I went to North Carolina to visit with Fairyeggs, I had a brief moment where I wondered if physically seeing little E would change the wonderful balance we have now. This was a veeeeery brief moment. Our friendship has remained consistent through tornadoes, snowstorms, broken down buses, a car accident, living in different countries, children, and dating boys. Of course we would be just fine! It's only human nature to have a wandering thought or two which is why she had a moment of questioning too.

In reality, we have an even stronger friendship than we did prior to little E.

Now there is something between our families that stretches like a gossamer thread. It's a thread so faintly visible that most people barely perceive it, but you can feel it as it brushes across your face. There are threads that run between me, Fairyeggs, our moms and dads, our sisters, our husbands and our kids. It comes from the shared experience from the start of infertility treatments until now. Since I have always shared what we were going through, my family and hers were there for all of the ups and downs.

When we talked about it over Mexican food and margaritas, we agreed that we don't define E's relationship traditionally. By this I mean that neither of us think she is "mom." Similarly, we don't view her kids as siblings with little E. Yet at the same time, there is this connection which we've decided is more like cousins, but not exactly....? Although he's not really talking yet, we decided to have little E call her by the name that her niece and nephew currently use which I think is ridiculously sweet. The role of auntie fits, but is also not inclusive enough. :)

The feeling I left with from the trip was just an overwhelming feeling of love, acceptance, and family. I personally have no term for the woman who gave me this beautiful incredible baby boy. I'm just really grateful to have her and everyone around her in our lives.

xoxo

A bracelet

After out trip to Oklahoma, the next leg took us a little further east to North Carolina where Fairyeggs lives. That's right folks, Fairyeggs finally got to actually meet little E! I have a lot to say about this...so much that I've written and discarded about five posts. So, I'm going to try to break it down.

For those of you who weren't following me back then, Fairyeggs is one of my best friends from college who donated her eggs in a cycle which resulted in my amazing boy. Since the DE-IVF cycle, we have seen each other only once back when I was about five months pregnant and still in Missouri. With E's birth and our move to Alaska, getting together before now has simply not been feasible. However before I even planned our trip to see her, I planned something else.

The connection between Fairyeggs and my family is something incredible and really different from the norm. So, on E's birthday, I wanted to get Fairyeggs something to show my appreciation of her gift. I chose to get her a Pandora bracelet with a couple of charms to celebrate what we did to get to this point. With each subsequent year, I plan to give her a new charm to add to her bracelet, just as E will add to our lives each year.

This year, the first charm I chose was a simple silver heart to symbolize the love of our friendship. While most people wouldn't choose love as a representation of friendship, for us I do. I love that girl!! She's proven over and over again how friendship through thick or thin really works. The friendship that we forged in college became the first step of the path that led us to today.

Secondly, I looked for a representation of the cycle. Since neither a needle or a carton of eggs is available as a charm, I chose the Angel of Hope. After the dismal failure at egg retrieval for my second cycle and the subsequent BFN, I was in a pretty dark place. Out of nowhere, she gave me hope. I know, I know--it sounds cheesy! But these types of things, this is why these phrases were made. 

Last I chose the traditional baby carriage as a symbol of E's first year. Simple. Straight forward. But no, I didn't actually have a baby carriage, pram, or bassinet. 

When I gave it to her, she cried. I think she liked it. :)

xoxo

Five more days left to enter my giveaway for 25 free Shutterfly holiday cards! Anyone who is a follower can leave me a message on the giveaway post and you are in! If you aren't a follower, it's simple to become one! Click on the right hand side of the page where it says followers and you'll be on the path!

I was reading THIS blog over at 3 Babes, 2 Jens, 1 Cause - Embryo Adoption the other day. The posting of an excerpt from an egg donation booklet published by Freedom Pharmacy really got me. Here is what is said:

“Perhaps the greatest myth surrounds pregnancy. Many believe the uterus is simply an incubator. Nothing could be further from the truth. The most important aspect of all pregnancies- including egg donation pregnancies- is that as the fetus grows, every cell in the developing body is built out of the pregnant mother’s body. Tissue from her uterine lining will contribute to the formation of the placenta, which will link her and her child. The fetus will use her body’s protein, then she will replace it. The fetus uses her sugars, calcium, nitrates, and fluids, and she will replace them. So, if you think of your dream child as your dream house, the genes provide merely a basic blueprint, the biological mother takes care of all the materials and construction, from the foundation right on up to the light fixtures. So, although her husband’s aunt Sara or the donor’s grandfather may have genetically programmed the shape of the new baby’s earlobe, the earlobe itself is the pregnant woman’s “flesh and blood.” That means the earlobe, along with the baby herself, grew from the recipient’s body. That is why she is the child’s biological mother. That is why this child is her biological child.”

Over time I have had a really hard time explaining why I believe there are three components of having a child: male DNA, female DNA, and the carrying the child. I guess what I should really say is growing the child. This is why I really love the the construction metaphor's explanation of the DNA being the blueprint and carrying the child as the actual building. 



When Fairyeggs told me that she wanted to do this for me (while I silently cried), she said something to the effect that if my body needed a kidney she wouldn't hesitate to give me hers. So the difference of giving me an egg wasn't really different. I thought I understood how she felt, but this explanation really gives me a deeper understanding of why I felt okay about it so quickly. I think she got this way before I ever did - probably because she's already a mom. 


While I feel incredibly lucky to have been able to carry baby E, it wouldn't matter how he came to me - dropped off by the stork, from my own eggs, whatever. Hands down, he's still the best thing to ever come into my life. The labels of biological mom or donor eggs don't really come into my radar. The only label that really matters to me is that I am called his mom. 


xoxo

Does it bother me?

I was talking to Fairyeggs the other day when I wondered something. But I didn't know if I should ask. I didn't know if it might bring up unexpected feelings. I didn't know if I would be opening a can of worms.


Fairyeggs, does baby E look like you? 


I'm sure at some point in our friendship that I have seen baby pictures of her, but I couldn't really recall much. I never really thought about asking her to see a picture because what did it matter? I was certainly going to think my son was the cutest thing on earth when he came (smile). 


Yet in this passing question. it seemed like a myriad of emotions could erupt. Sometimes I wonder if they will surface in her unexpectedly. I wonder if I should watch what I say.


It sounds all dramatic, but it really wasn't that big of a deal because as usual we can discuss anything. My moment of questioning passed as I remembered the strength of our relationship. The trust that I have in her to discuss something if it bothered her came flooding back. This is why we were able to do this in the first place!


So I laughed at myself and then asked her. 


Wouldn't you know, she wanted to ask me if I thought he looked like her! 


Giggle. 


Like me, she didn't know if she should ask. She didn't know if it might bother me.


Aren't we the most considerate friends?

xoxo

How do you thank a person for this?

Just a few minutes ago I received a card from Fairyegg's mother. During this whole journey, we have had not only had the incredible gift from Fairyegg's herself, but the support of her whole family - hubby, mom, dad, and sister. They have literally been cheering me on through cards, texts, emails, and happy thoughts from the very get go. You can see clearly how her generosity and love have come naturally to her as it is clearly demonstrated in the words and actions of her family.

Now that I hold baby E in my arms, I am more humbled and thankful for her gift from a depth in my heart that I didn't know existed. How do you thank a person for something that can't be adequately expressed through words or gifts? How do you thank an entire family for what they have shared with you?

All I know is that I will not squander this gift that I have been given. The gift is more than my son, it;s also the love and bond between our families.

xoxo

Bedrest Chronicles Day 49

Happy ICLW! For those of you who are visiting for the first time you can find my history on the sidebar to the right.

I've been home from the hospital for twelve days now. Coming home has been like sliding into my comfy sheets on my bed -- warm and comforting. Having my dog Sweetpea following me around during the day from couch to bed is just the icing on the cake as being without her is like missing a member of my family. Besides, she's a great foot warmer.

On Saturday I switched one good thing for another as my sister flew home and my dad came up to Anchorage. I had such a good time just hanging out with my her during the week as we watched TV, she cleaned, cooked, and organized the baby's room. She did this despite the fact that she has a strained achilles and sprained ankle that isn't exactly healing correctly. My dad has already pulled out his comfort food by making me homemade biscuits on both Sunday and Monday. Since I'm trying not to be a glutton, I didn't have him make them today. :)

Meanwhile back at home in California, my mom has been busy running my sister and dad to and from the airport while holding down the fort there. I have to tell you that she won the teacher of the year award for this school year for her district. Yesterday, the county celebrated all of the district teachers of the year in a big ceremony in which none of the family could attend because of all of this switcheroo to take care of me. We wished we could have been there to support her, but she sacrificed this so I could not be in the hospital. :) We are SO proud of her!

My family just keeps coming through for me on so many levels. This doesn't happen for everyone so I'm just flat out grateful that I have them to unconditionally love me...broken eggs and all. I know this sounds incredibly sappy but I think that sometimes we forget to think about the things that are really fundamentally good in our lives. Between my husband, my family, Fairyeggs and my other friends and family, I'm just lucky. Baby E might not have had an easy or traditional path of coming to be, but he is coming into a family where he is already loved to bits.

For the first time in this pregnancy, I feel like we are actually going to make it to the finish line.

Our goal is to make it to 37 weeks when my doc will remove the cerclage and my cervix will probably return to a five centimeter dilation. The nurses tell me this does not mean I'll go into labor immediately. What? lol. I can't imagine that Baby E won't drop straight out at that point.

Hope all is well with you.

xoxo

The fish tank

My husband likened my belly to a fish tank the other day. You know how the signs on the tanks in the pet store say, "Please don't tap the glass"? That's what he likes to tell me when I rub or push on my little guy. It cracks me up since he likes to say it in a very stern authoritative voice. Mostly, I like it because I see my him start to show more of his interest in our little guy. His way of dealing with a potential loss is to not celebrate until we have that wailing baby in our arms. So while he obviously has interest, he doesn't express it as much as I do. I swear he things that I'm going to hurt the little guy because he also likes to pipe up with "abuse!" when I poke my belly. Silly man. I love him so much.
******
Today I finally got cleared to make an appointment at the hospital with the OB clinic here. Despite my hatred of making phone calls, I promptly called this morning because I really want to hear him since it's been a month! After that, I headed over to Air Force side of the joint base where the hospital is located. Looking at the hospital from the outside, I wanted to cheer and turn cartwheels.  It seems like the Army hospital facilities I have seen are clean and functioning, but not that nice. This hospital looks brand new and well spaced out which gives me hope that the delivery area will be nice! Of course, I had to fill out a ton of paperwork and then find out they don't have any appointments until July 27th. Seriously? With the Army, they would usually just look at me after saying this like it is my problem. However, the nice Air Force member, took the initiative to say that waiting that long would not work. I obviously agreed and pointed out that I am high risk with my lovely blood pressure and infertility. Hopefully I'll hear back from her as promised with an appointment. It left me feeling so hopeful that this might be a good experience to bring my son into the world.
*******
On my drive over to the hospital, I got a very serious lecture from Fairyeggs that we are taking far too long to name our son. Over dinner my hubby and I were talking about this and laughing so we finally talked about a few names. He even pulled out his phone to retrieve the list I emailed him a few days ago (I am such a dork). I think one may have stuck, but we're going to mull it over. . . haha FE and Auntie D!
*******
There has been much angst over the house as we have been working through an issue with the builder and the home owner association. It's been a roller coaster, and I hope we're almost to the end of the ride!

That's it for my thoughts from all over the place.

xoxo

The deed.

*Don't read this dad!

Okay, so my hubby and I finally after seventeen weeks of being pregnant + three weeks of being in California for treatment without him--did the deed. We've been way too nervous to think about it before now. We were so relieved that our little pumpkin was apparently undisturbed by the adventure.

As a side-note, I've been banned by my Dad and Fairyeggs from calling the baby Caligula...so I guess we're back to pumpkin. :)

xoxo

Visits Galore

I feel so remiss in my blogging in that I can't keep up with all of my visits and fun! Let's summarize:


Last week I recovered from my trip to New Hampshire and Boston with a quick day to turn around a pile of finals and then a run to St. Louis to pick up Fairyeggs! This was just a quick trip in for a few days which is perfect so that she doesn't start to pine for her kids too much!! We had a fantastic time eating at PF Changs and registering for my baby paraphernalia. I loved having her there and simply registered for everything she told me to! I figure that I am clueless and after three kids, she is a pro. We spent a good four hours at the store going through each aisle. I even took notes. Geesh, I am such a dork. 


The best part of the visit is that we talked about our feelings for this baby. Fairyeggs was actually a wee bit nervous to see how things had changed. To both our delights, I think that we are both headed along the same lines. This experience has given us this inexplicable tie between our families. My parents and sister are so infinitely grateful for her gift and also had a chance to get to know Fairyegg's mom and daughter whom they adore. Fairyegg's mom and sister have both followed me through my entire journey and have cried with happiness over our success. Now more than ever, I feel this tie to her family whom I always loved.  It's like they have moved into the realm of those family friends who are truly part of your family. I am so lucky to have all of them.


After Fairyeggs departed, I turned around to unsuccessfully grade my next set of finals and ended up sleeping the day away instead. No matter! I picked myself up the following day to drive the four hours to visit my grandma. I haven't mentioned this here, but we found out a couple of months ago that she had uterine cancer. After a surgery, we found out that radiation was also needed which she just completed last week. For my infinitely healthy grandma in her eighties, we were all pretty shocked with the news. Since we moved so close to her, I haven't actually been able to get down to see her. First there was the holidays, trips to California, pregnancy, and endless nausea. With the nausea, there was absolutely no way I could make the drive as I could barely take fifteen minutes in the car. Needless to say, I finally got down to see her which was lovely. I love her dearly. All of my cousins, aunt, and uncle who live there also made the time to come over and see me which I appreciated. It's so nice seeing all of my cousins as adults. 


I finally hauled myself back home and am now desperately putting off grading finals. However, I must get to it! The move has creeped up on us, and the movers come right after Memorial Day! One week people! We'll leave the following week for our trip and new adventure in Alaska! 


xoxo

Silly

My husband thinks my worries about disclosure are kind of silly. It is what it is, right? He also said, "I didn't know that using donor eggs was a secret. I've told a ton of people!" I explained that it is not a secret at all! The only reason I haven't told some people is simply from being tired of talking about it. My husband admonished me that it is the perfect chance to educate people. :) He's such a good man, I really appreciate his openness and honesty about the process.

Fairyeggs called and we had a lovely discussion about subject. She worried a little bit that I was regretting going forward with the donor eggs. I can say with the utmost confidence, not at all. I simply want to have my view on disclosure worked out so that all involved feel good about the choice. Needless to say, she was incredibly supportive of being honest from the get-go. 

Loves to all. Hope you had a great weekend.

xoxo

What IF?

Project "What IF" has started over at Mel's Stirrup Queen site. Here is my "what if" down at comment 201:


What IF I had never been brave enough to face using donor eggs? What IF I had never had a friend like FairyEggs who loved me enough to give me her eggs?


There are literally so many "what if" questions you ask yourself while navigating the world of IF. These two questions are happy questions for me in a time where I've been asking myself some very tough questions. 


Feelings associated with the infertility process have not simply disappeared with my apparent success at getting knocked up.  For me, with using donor eggs, I'm finally working through some of the aspects of what to tell my child. While I won't be meeting my child for awhile, this came up when my sister mentioned scrapbooking some of the pictures of Fairyeggs and I out in California. It's a seemingly innocuous thing however it could have enormous implications in the future with identifying my donor. 


Most of you know that I have been extremely open about my struggles with infertility. When it would come up in conversation, I was simply straight forward with people. When it came to using donor eggs, we weren't quite so forthcoming and kind of just left it as another IVF try to most people except close friends and family. I'm not ashamed of using donor eggs, however, it seemed like just another thing to explain.


Fairyegg's privacy was also an issue initially. Would people look at my child askance when we were visiting together? Would people question if my child was really hers? Both of had lots of questions that we didn't have answers for when we first chose to move forward with egg donation. However, like anything in our friendship, we would just deal with it as it came as there was no way to foresee what might arise. Later in the process, Fairyeggs' started not really caring what people thought as she became more comfortable with the idea.


In my research on the topic of disclosing the fact that my child was conceived during egg donation, I have learned that like adopted children, if it's not a shock, then it's not really a big deal. When children find out about circumstances of their birth that differ from what is "normal," they often feel betrayed and disillusioned. However, if a child is told from the get go, it seems like it simply part of their story and not really that big of a deal. Knowing this, I have always planned to disclose this to my child, so I never had to hide it during pediatrician visits. 


What I didn't know though was whether or not I would tell them who the donor was. I figured that simply creating a profile sheet on Fairyeggs would be appropriate so my child would know their medical and cultural history. However I wonder with everyone who knows if eventually the information would be disclosed accidently. I certainly do not want this to happen! Similarly, I would never want my child to dream about a fantasy life with his or her genetic mother. Disclosing this early usually prevents this kind of situation which I would like to avoid. 


This of course brings up further questions with what kind of relationship my child has with Fairyeggs and how my child views Fairyegg's kids and family....do you see the tangle this creates? So, I brought this up on the Parents Via Egg Donation (PVED) website where I got some advice. The fact of the matter is that my child will take his or her cue from how my husband and I act. If we treat it like normal, then more than likely so will the child. Explaining that my eggs didn't work and I had someone who loved me so she gave me some of hers so I could have a baby, could be very matter of fact. Understanding his or her relationship with Auntie Fairyeggs could also be pretty normal.


I thought the hardest thing about being pregnant was going to be getting pregnant. However, the questions and feeling have obviously not stopped. I am forever grateful that I have the chance to make these decisions even if they are hard for me. I am thankful that I had the strength to let go of my genetics so I could have a family. Moreover, I am forever indebted to Fairyeggs for her gift and her friendship that allows me to have a choice about these issues. 


xoxo

The Reactions

As my family and friends have been there for every step of my IF process, those who know what we have been through also got to know about our news yesterday. Most of me still feels like this is a piece of hope floating in the wind and not very real. However the reactions yesterday were so very lovely that I have to share them with you.

Immediately after my post I sent a mass text to my family and close friends telling them to "Check my blog please." My husband said this was a little cruel as I should have called my parents. However, I thought this was kind of fun so everybody knew at the same time. I then called my mom who was laughing and crying at the same time. The softness in her voice went straight to my heart and made me think that this might be happening. Apparently my sister and her were dancing around the kitchen in California. FairyEggs was crying so much when I called her, she was just gushing with relief and happiness.

Things here at my house are still pretty subdued. We'll see what happens tomorrow.

xoxo

********

Direct from FairyEggs:

Woo Hoo!  There are really no words to express how happy, ecstatic and completely over the moon I am!  My mom got a text and said, “Look at your cell phone; I think you got a text from J.”  I immediately ran to my phone and then ran to my computer.  I made my husband stop doing our taxes so I could read the blog and immediately started sobbing.  Completely uncontrolled crying. I didn’t know whether to call or text J when the phone rang.  I was so glad J called me and we chatted about the great news!  It is very hard to be “cautiously optimistic” on a day like today.  I am choosing pure joy!  I will be cautiously optimistic tomorrow…

On a side note, I am so relieved this is over for me.  I have felt so much pressure (from myself ONLY) to help J, that now I can just breath and enjoy.  I have done everything I can for her and hubby and I can sit back and watch J go through all of the joy and nausea it takes to grow a baby.  She has listened to me complain through three pregnancies and listened to me when I had a miscarriage.  She listened to me cry and complain when I had an unexpected pregnancy.  Little did I know that three short years later she would be dreaming for an unexpected pregnancy.  I still have guilt about my feelings about my beautiful daughter that I thought I didn’t want.  She is one of the best things that has ever happened to me.  J has been with me through one of the toughest times of my life and supported my decisions and listened to me for hours.  The bottom line is she deserves pure joy.  It is her turn. 

Love you Jenicini! 

Quiet Lull

Right now I'm in the quiet lull between Fairyegg and Tink's departure and the transfer. Even though the nurse told me that they would call me the day before transfer to let me know when to come in, my nefarious plan was to bug them until they told me how my embies were doing. I was completely shut down as the nurse told me that they don't do reports. Boo!

It's probably better in the long run because I'm not obsessing over the details. Can you believe that I am not even playing doctor google either? It's strange, but I am completely calm. I feel like I've completely let go of this cycle since I watched it vicariously through Fairyegg's worries and now am heading towards a five-day transfer. Relinquishing control is kind of nice.

Right now I'm just trying to focus on resting and kicking this bug's hiney as my throat has been so swollen that I lost my voice for two days and have been snoring up a storm since I can't breathe at night. HOT, I say. I bet my husband is sad he is missing this special moment with me. Regardless, I now have antibiotics that I am cleared to take until the day before transfer. Already, I am loving my little Amoxicillin.

I had kind of a funny conversation with how many to transfer with my husband. We've never had a choice before and simply transfered the one good one during round one and the two stragglers during round two. Should we round it off with three for round three? My hubby just wants whatever has the best chance of getting me knocked up. I really have no idea but want to keep reasonable since I have high albeit controlled, blood pressure. We'll see if we have a choice by day five. Any thoughts?

So Thursday should be the big day! Send me lots of prayers, happy thoughts, good vibes.

xoxo

FairyEggs departure...for now

This is Fairy Eggs here with a Woot Woot! We are thrilled with the results even though I am a "bad egg donor." In your face with advanced maternal age!!! I am coming down off of the hormone roller coaster and very excited to see my family again after 10 days. I have had a great time here with Jenicini's family and now it is time to go home and see my own. I am so appreciative of her Mom and Dad and Sister for treating me like family and accepting my moods.

I am also very thankful that I have a family that is so supportive of what we have done.  I couldn’t have done this without all of their support and understanding. Thanks Mom for not listening to me about it being too much to come out.  Thanks for the help with Tink! I couldn’t have done it without everyone because Tink is crazy! I also have to think of something really awesome to do for my husband because he was the one who encouraged me to do this in the first place.  Any ideas? 

I also appreciate all of the support from other bloggers.  You keep us buoyed with your great thoughts and wishes.  I have thoroughly enjoyed coming to know some of you through your blogs and wish everyone success in the crazy fertility world!  I will be lurking……..

xoxo

The hope and joy of it...

As the day has gone by, I have been filled with a hope and joy that I haven't felt in a long time. Infertility has given us so many slaps in the face, so many rugs pulled out from under us, so many big fat FUs that I have simply lost count of the number of bad days. We manage to pick ourselves up, grin, find some remnant of hope, and move onto the next step. Yet the step doesn't have quite the same amount of bounce that the previous one did. It's exhausting.

But today Fairyegg's gift to us finally came to fruition, and I am simply astounded with the idea that I might have an actual chance. It's real. I'll have to actually write a post about how I feel about Fairyegg's gift, but it's 3:13 am and I most certainly won't do it justice. I can't believe that I actually had good news today.

I'm not naive. I know that tomorrow everything might come crashing down in a heap of crap. But today, I am just enjoying the fact that today is a good day. Today I have hope. Today I have an effing chance that all these machinations might DO something. It's the rarest hope and joy in our cloudy IF world.

xoxo

Blast off with a little HCG!

Well ladies and gents, we are blasting off tonight with a little HCG at 9 pm tonight!

Today the four of us trotted off to Westwood this morning for another date with the dildo cam. Yes, that would be four of us because FairyEgg's mom finally arrived to join the party! Whoot! She stayed with Tink in the playroom while we went in for our check. FairyEggs literally was so nervous that she felt like she was going to puke on the way down there. As of now there are about five mature eggs and five smaller ones still coming along. We obviously don't want to lose the five that are ready to go so we are triggering tonight!

FairyEggs literally had tears running down her face as we were talking to the nurse because she was disappointed with the number. It didn't help that Dr. Leprechaun has some issues with tact as he said, "You are not a good donor." I immediately piped up with, "No, you are a good donor!" Groan, can't you phrase that some other way? Anyway, while we were talking to the nurse she said, "He's rude sometimes, just ignore him." Can you not see that they have dealt with this before? Anyway, while we were reviewing our instructions with the nurse, I started bouncing around. How can I not? I might not be getting twenty eggs from a twenty-one year old little thang. But I am going to get around five eggs from a girl who can obviously have healthy children and who happens to be one of the dearest people in my life. All I need is for some of those eggs to be good ones! At this point I just don't care about the other crap! This process is all about taking everything one day at a time and dealing with things as they come. Today, I'm happy because I have a chance. It seems better than what I've had so far.

Retrieval is set for Saturday at 9 am.

Faith, trust and a little pixie dust. :) xoxo

Stim Day 11

It's hard for me to be hopeful during the cycle right now. I caught some nasty germ from the airport or mouseland that now has me feeling like death warmed over. I literally slept all day today trying to knock it out.  After all, this is really not the freaking time to get sick! My throat is killing me and my body literally feels like a truck ran over me, backed up to see what it hit, and then decided to put me out of my misery with one last smush. . . Some of the stuff kind of comes and goes, but overall, it just keeps coming.

Monday we went back to the doctor's office which definitely has a different atmosphere than my last clinic. I'm not so much concerned about the atmosphere as I am with how FairyEggs feels and the outcome. My first lining check was great at 10 mm with a triple stripe. Whoot. FairyEgg's ten follicles were actually measured this time and ranged from 8 - 12 mm. The doc thinks that the egg retrieval will be pushed to Sunday which is the day before FairyEggs is scheduled to go home. Argh! I don't want her to travel that quickly, but I guess we'll have to roll with it! We are also unsure with what happens to the eggs when you stim for twelve (or more) days. We're hoping for quality eggs.

Tomorrow FairyEgg's mom comes to visit and help out in just being here for her daughter. They really have a beautiful relationship, and I love them both dearly.

With this cycle, I have definitely reverted back to guarding my heart very carefully. I want this to happen, but I dare not hope or get ahead of myself in the planning. One step at a time right? I am also bogged down in the day to day reality of the waiting. Besides the cyle, I think about spending quality time with FairyEggs, Tink, and my family, keeping up with my work schedule from home, staying connected with my hubby and helping him edit his Masters papers, and helping out around the house.

After plunking down another $750 for FDA labs that have already been run, but have to be done again within 30 days of the egg donation and another $1k on medications, I think my husband finally tapped out. He said to me the other day that we should plan on this being our last cycle.  As much as I figured this would be our last try at a fresh cycle, I've still been considering embryo donation as an option if this cycle doesn't work out. Who knows? Day by day.

xoxo

It's not often

It's not often that I get wrapped up in the Disney magic. But let me tell you that watching a three year old delight in "It's a Small World" is pretty magical. FairyEggs's daughter, Tink, had so much fun seeing all of the fairies and princesses that roam those grounds.

Then as we were leaving for the day, I ran across this shirt in one of the stores on Main Street.

I must say that this went straight through my hormonally charged body, like an arrow into my heart. I wanted so badly to wear it to my transfer, but alas it was only in kid size. But the message is there.

"All you need is faith, trust, and a little bit of pixie dust."


xoxo

Family & Cycle Update

The whole point of this journey is to grow our family. So it seems so ironic that now, right now is when we lose someone. My brother-in-law did pass away on Monday a few minutes after they removed the respirator. I'm so glad that two of his kids were there to be with him in his final moments. They are planning to do a memorial service sometime in the upcoming months when all of the family can get together. I know that there is anger and sadness amongst the family, so I hope that by that time, some of the anger will have passed. My nephew was incredibly sweet in telling me that we could wait until I was done with this cycle so I could be there, since I'm family.

Today I was thinking about the loss of my BIL in terms of our future family. Some of my favorite memories as a kid are with my aunts, uncles, and numerous cousins. Towel fights, fourth of July firecrackers, thanksgiving meals, lots of hugs and head rumples... I'm sad that my kids won't know their crazy uncle and whatever fun he would have had.

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Our cycle is indeed continuing on schedule. FairyEggs wrote me an email the other night saying she felt like a pincushion. I laughed knowing exactly the feeling. Her first bruise came to visit on day three thanks to some handy work by her husband. I mean that in the nicest of ways since I always had several little bruises dotting my stomach! The other good news is she's feeling swollen and the muffin top is starting to come to visit! I'm hoping that this is a good sign that the drugs are in fact working. Wheee! It's torture to wait until day seven to see how the follies are doing! Torture I tell you!

Tonight I got to do my own little twist for my delestrogen shot on my right upper butt cheek since hubby was at a night class. Hehe. Apparently he is better at it that I am since I immediately spurted some vampire juice and he has yet to breech a vein. Hmmph.

In two days we'll be heading to California....then the fun will really start!

xoxo

The daily

My Day:

Today I went to organic produce heaven, aka Trader Joes. Okay, I'm sure Whole Paycheck has more, but I love my little TJ's stores. I was also able to buy bread, marinara sauce, and a plethora of other goodies without five tons of the white death (salt) in it. No, I didn't drive two hours just to go there, but it was the highlight of my day.

Today I had to run up to Saint Louis for my ancient but sturdy Volvo's leaking steering fluid thingy. The best part about waiting at the dealership is that they have a huge comfy leather couch and overstuffed chair to wait in. One nap later, I was on my way.

The cycle:

The devil drug, Lupron, is hitting FairyEggs pretty hard. She's on a higher dose of it than I was at 15 units but will be dropping down to 10 units on Saturday when she starts the stim meds.

And I must admit that my inner cheerleader is doing cartwheels with the mere thought of FairyEggs actually starting herstimulation meds. Cartwheel people. FairyEgg's Saturday's stim meds will include 275 iu Follistim and 75 of Menopur and continue until her first ultrasound at day seven. For my cycles, I was always monitored at day three, so it seems endless to wait until day seven to peek at her follies.  I'm just crossing my fingers that she responds well to the meds.

Meanwhile, tomorrow is my first shot of this cycle with 0.2 cc of E2V....some sort of estrogen. The lovely part of this E2V shot is that it only happens every three days. While growing lining has never been a problem for me, it seems like other people doing FETs and such are on a lot more meds. Any thoughts?

As my parting thought for tonight, I have decided that my chance of getting pregnant has gone exponentially up since hell has frozen over and a Republican now has Kennedy's seat in Massachusetts. No, I'm not including political commentary here, I just never thought that would happen! So if a Republican can get elected in Mass, maybe an infertile girl can get knocked up. It could happen!

xoxo