November

The month of November has passed with my dear boy in my life. Hands down these have been two of the best months of my life. Every day I'm amazed at the tiny little differences in his facial expressions, strength and alertness. I love watching as his belly rounds out and then suddenly disappears as he grows in length only to start over a few days later. I marvel at the sounds that manage to come out of such a tiny body. During this month, baby E managed to roll over from front to back. Smiles have started to appear at random times and are now just starting in response to us. Best of all, he studies our faces when we are close.

Love you baby boy.

xoxo

Random Question: How does one officially count 'months old' for a kiddo? Is it calendar months or groups of four weeks?

Puuuuumping!

When I said that I had had it with breastfeeding, I didn't actually stop feeding baby E my milk. I just started exclusively pumping. Despite this last mastitis attack, I am sooooooooo much happier doing this. The mastitis has nothing to do with the pumping as the previous two occurrences happened while I was nursing. Anyway.

I got some great suggestions from the blogosphere to invest in a handsfree pumping bra. So off I went researching what was out there and finally decided on the Pump Ease brand shown below.

Besides feeling a bit Madonna like with objects protruding from my breasts...

this is now my absolute favorite pumping accessory! And yes, I got it in the red polka dot version for a little cheer.

The only thing I'm really struggling with in exclusively pumping is how to handle it while I'm out and about. For now I've been pumping immediately before I leave and planning to get home within a reasonable time. I carry a hand-pump with me for an emergency but I've yet to use it. Mainly I'm still hesitating because it's not like I can just hook up the paraphernalia and throw a breast cover or blanket over me. The fact that I live in Alaska and it's already winter here kicks out my SUV as an option. So. . . I'm not so sure about that aspect. 

If you are looking for information about exclusively pumping, I found some good info at these websites:

http://www.mother-2-mother.com/exclusivepumping.htm

http://thelactivist.blogspot.com/2007/03/exclusively-pumping-good-advice-is-hard.html 

I hope all is well out in bloggy land!!!

xoxo

another day

It's technically a few minutes after midnight (for my 30 days 30 posts) but I guess as a sick mamma I get a pass because I was busy feeding, changing and soothing my little man for the last hour! Oh how I love him!

The good news from today is that catching the mastitis symptoms of chills and fever early REALLY helps. When we left yesterday to go shopping in Anchorage, I felt fine except for a slight ache in the right ta-ta. When we were hitting our final stop, I went from okay to chills within about an hour. By this time I had on a sweatshirt, fleece, my hubby's jacket, gloves, scarf, and hat. My teeth were still chattering! We were right by the hospital on base so we decided to just head on over. 

Let me say that I really looooove antibiotics and ibuprofen to break my fever. I have three alarms on my phones going off at different intervals to keep me on schedule for the pills and pumping. Today I slept a ton but generally feel a ton better than my last round of mastitis. Apparently, I'm prone to it and just need to deal. We're thinking it's because I have dense breast tissue. Who knows?!

Thankfully I can look at this sweet little face and keep going...

xoxo

Mastitis.

Again.

Seriously universe?

xoxo

socially acceptable

Today is the first day that it is socially acceptable to be excited for Christmas. So today I give you a big WOOHOO as the tree is now up!

Since my side of the family didn't grow up celebrating Christmas, it still seems like a novelty to me to have the cheery decorations strewn about the house. For my parents, it's still a relatively new thing to help me decorate the day after Thanksgiving. So, I think it's kind of special. Grin.

I absolutely abhor shopping with herds of people so on Black Friday I happily hide in my house while others wait in the freezing cold. Have at it people! Enjoy those bargains. I'm not really sure how much we are buying for Christmas this year. Last year we kept it really low key as we were in between IVFs 2 and 3. This year will probably be the same with some small things for each of us. Even with baby E, I don't want to clutter the house up with a billion things he won't use. So we'll get a few first Christmas toys and just celebrate being with him.

My ta-tas are now tingling so I'm off to pump...moo. Christmas is coming!

xoxo

What a day...

I woke up this morning to fresh snow coating the muddy slush from the last few days. It was the perfect way to start the day.

(you can see my sister in the bottom left corner)

Yesterday my mom and I busted out all of the prep work for the meal today which gave us a lot of time today to relax and piddle around. It also allowed time for the requisite heated family discussion which sent me into my bathroom to take a shower to escape. Across the street we watched through the window as the neighbor kids build five snowmen.  Patriots football was watched. Champagne was poured. Cooking commenced and massive amounts of food were eaten. All in all it was a great day.

More than anything, today I am just thankful. This time last year I was planning our last chance IVF. After two failed rounds in September and October, I wasn't very hopeful. I was still processing how the donor cycle would work and how the logistics would work with Fairyeggs. This year? This year I sit in my warm toasty house with the most beautiful boy. I am incredibly thankful that he is in my life. I'm surrounded by family who loves us enough to travel to the wilderness to see us. My husband and I love (and usually like) each other. My dog still warms my bed and makes me laugh. Life is pretty darn good.

Happy Thanksgiving.

xoxo

Moooooom!

Com'on mama, I want boobie juice! No writing blogs about me! Just post another adorable pic. Peace out!

xoxo

Green Eggs and Ham

Yesterday when I went to write my post, I couldn't write about what I wanted to. So I just tried to sum up my thoughts. This is what started it...

Half of my mother's suitcase was filled with gifts from all sorts of people for baby E. One of the books that was sent was Green Eggs and Ham.

Now if you notice, it is not only Green Eggs and Ham but rather Green Eggs and Ham the Party Edition! Now if you knew the woman who sent this to me, you would crack up. Indeed this women personifies the party edition of life. I don't mean party as in the stereotypical imbibing massive amounts of alcohol manner...okay, wine and margaritas are usually involved. But seriously, when she's around it feels like we are celebrating something as small as as a fantastic cup of coffee or a big moment like seeing baby E in 3D. There is an appreciation of life that I see within her.

Our relationship has gone through many phases as I first met her when she was my teacher. Over time though, she has become one of my parents' best friends and an essential part of my family. Let's put it this way, she and her husband were the only people outside of the family who attended our wedding ceremony.

Yesterday was the anniversary of the day that her daughter passed away.

Knowing the love and joy I have felt in the two months of having Baby E, I can't imagine the pain of losing him after years of loving him. I just don't know how she survived to be the absolutely lovely person that she is today.

I know I'm not being very eloquent here but I think I'm too tearful about it to really put it together much better. If there is anything, from her I have learned to appreciate every moment.

Now I'm going to hug my baby.

xoxo

Every day is a gift. 

xoxo

Got hair?

After being born with quite a bit of hair on his head, little E has been slowly losing it. I know this is typical of babies, but I can't help but laugh since he first lost the first inch and half from his fore head up. Tee hee. Receding hairline anyone? Already the regrowth is coming in so soon I'll be admiring every new hair on his head.

xoxo

Date Baby Date!

Drumroll please.....

We went on a date tonight! What was even better than that mere fact was that we went to see Harrrrrrrrrrry!

I have to admit that this was probably my favorite HP movie as for once, DanielR's acting didn't drive me crazy. Best moment of the movie - "I am a free elf!"

The grandparents flew into the Anchorage airport last night this morning at the ungodly one o'clock hour. With an hour trip each way in addition to leaving some flex time...it was a long night! Of course, it's absolutely worth it though. There's something fabulous about seeing my little man in his grandpa's and granny's arms. They have carte blanche permission to spoil him by holding him all day and showering him with love. Of course, it was great to be able to leave them with him to go see our movie too!

Hope you are having a fabulous weekend!

xoxo

Big Boy

My little man graduated today.

I'm sure this is one of many changes but it's the first for us.

At seven weeks, he has busted out of newborn diapers and is now swimming in size ones.

Even more, slowly we are moving out of his newborn clothes into 0-3 month old clothes.

It's bittersweet I tell you.

xoxo

Unexpected

Most of what I worried about during pregnancy were immediate concerns like unexpected bleeding and my kid's foot dangling out of my cervix at 27 weeks. You know, the usual stuff. When I dared to think ahead to life with a healthy child, I desperately hoped that my regular clinical depression wouldn't flare up in the face of postpartum hormone fluctuations. After working and hoping so long for Baby E, it would be unimaginably cruel to be faced with postpartum depression.  It would seem with my past bouts that it would be a foregone conclusion for me.

So imagine my surprise that I don't just feel okay, I feel flipping fabulous. I have never felt happier. Even with the interrupted sleep, the spit-up, the shooting poo, and the spouting fountain of pee that encompass my days, I can't keep this goofy grin off my face. I enjoy taking care of my son. I love that he finds comfort in my arms. I find happy moments, frustrating moments, tearful moments, funny moments--all things that you should feel.

I hope this continues. Excuse me while I go find some wood to pound on now...

xoxo

BTW, my dog officially likes soy-wasabi almonds. Seriously.

Love from Cali

One of the sweetest things is seeing the love that has been showered on Baby E from other people. Not only has the love come from our family and friends but also from friends of my parents. Today this adorable preschool backpack embroidered with his name (which I blurred) arrived from teachers at my mom's school. While I know most of them from my days working in the same school district, we have received presents from teachers I really didn't know and even some of her students' parents who know what we went through. I love that Baby E has all these people cheering him on! I appreciate each and every person for just thinking of us.

xoxo

Hard

There are so many things that I am hard on myself about. Elements of motherhood seem to another thing I add to my list of things I feel enormous guilt about. For example, when I slept through my alarm when I was suppose to feed baby E, I woke up feeling like the WORST mom ever. 


Seriously. Can I be more inane?


My perception of myself just doesn't remain constant. On one hand, I know that I am a great mom already because I don't do things like make meth in my house with my six week old in tow! Yet at the same time, something like listening to him scream while I'm attached to the pump makes me feel like a douche bag. 


The same thing happens in my relationship with my husband. He's incredibly sarcastic, so comments that are meant in jest sometimes make me feel incredibly low. I know he loves me with his whole heart so why do I doubt that he sees my worth?


On so many levels I know that I'm a successful and smart person who has her shiznat together. Yet, in the small moments of life, I let things get to me. 


Why oh why am I so hard on myself?


The other day when I was talking about breastfeeding, Cheri said, "If he's getting breast milk he is WAY ahead of many other babies, so PLEASE try to relax and enjoy your precious little boy. And even if you switch to formula, he will still be fine, fine, fine. My mom had five kids and wasn't able to nurse (something about inverted nipples I believe). AND she smoked with all of her pregnancies. We kids all survived. And I'm reasonably intelligent, even. So, Mom was a smoker and I had only substandard 1950s formula. Who knows what they put in that shit back then!!!?? :-O" 


This completely made me laugh because it is something very similar to what my husband said while I was pregnant. And you know what, they are both right. When you look at the grand scheme of things, most of the people who are reading this blog are (or will be) incredible parents. I love my child, provide for my child, and plan to teach him things like how to work hard, be a good friend, and love the Patriots. I think in our times of neurotic super-moms, we forget how resilient children are. 


I need to remember this and cut myself a break on the small stuff I worry about. I need to get over this inane crap that is absolutely not important. 


xoxo

My ring.

Here is my wedding ring.

The wedding ring that allows me to admit that I 'color' with my husband.

Have I mentioned that I had my six week checkup?

Have I mentioned that everything was fine?

Have I mentioned that I was on bedrest in the hospital from week 27 on?

Have I mentioned that before that I we were hesitant to color even though the doc said we could?

This is momentous people!!!!

xoxo

I was reading THIS blog over at 3 Babes, 2 Jens, 1 Cause - Embryo Adoption the other day. The posting of an excerpt from an egg donation booklet published by Freedom Pharmacy really got me. Here is what is said:

“Perhaps the greatest myth surrounds pregnancy. Many believe the uterus is simply an incubator. Nothing could be further from the truth. The most important aspect of all pregnancies- including egg donation pregnancies- is that as the fetus grows, every cell in the developing body is built out of the pregnant mother’s body. Tissue from her uterine lining will contribute to the formation of the placenta, which will link her and her child. The fetus will use her body’s protein, then she will replace it. The fetus uses her sugars, calcium, nitrates, and fluids, and she will replace them. So, if you think of your dream child as your dream house, the genes provide merely a basic blueprint, the biological mother takes care of all the materials and construction, from the foundation right on up to the light fixtures. So, although her husband’s aunt Sara or the donor’s grandfather may have genetically programmed the shape of the new baby’s earlobe, the earlobe itself is the pregnant woman’s “flesh and blood.” That means the earlobe, along with the baby herself, grew from the recipient’s body. That is why she is the child’s biological mother. That is why this child is her biological child.”

Over time I have had a really hard time explaining why I believe there are three components of having a child: male DNA, female DNA, and the carrying the child. I guess what I should really say is growing the child. This is why I really love the the construction metaphor's explanation of the DNA being the blueprint and carrying the child as the actual building. 



When Fairyeggs told me that she wanted to do this for me (while I silently cried), she said something to the effect that if my body needed a kidney she wouldn't hesitate to give me hers. So the difference of giving me an egg wasn't really different. I thought I understood how she felt, but this explanation really gives me a deeper understanding of why I felt okay about it so quickly. I think she got this way before I ever did - probably because she's already a mom. 


While I feel incredibly lucky to have been able to carry baby E, it wouldn't matter how he came to me - dropped off by the stork, from my own eggs, whatever. Hands down, he's still the best thing to ever come into my life. The labels of biological mom or donor eggs don't really come into my radar. The only label that really matters to me is that I am called his mom. 


xoxo

Dear Baby E,

I think you see me. Today it didn't seem to matter what we were doing -- you just kept staring me right in the eyes. My eye is right back on you buster. This will probably drive you crazy in the future but for now, know that you are loved. You are wanted. You are safe.

Love you.

Mommy

xoxo

Puke

Son pukes up on outfit and hat. 

Hat and outfit go into laundry basket. 

Dog rummages through laundry basket and eats hat. 

Dog pukes up hat on new carpet. 

What the heck is happening?!?!

Welcome to motherhood!

xoxo

I've had it!

I've completely and absolutely had it with freakin' sore nipples.

Done. Done. Done.

With mastitis hitting me last week and an ugly scabby nipple, I decided to pump for awhile. Ahh, the fantastic life of pumping started.

Then last night I tried breast-feeding for the first time and within two feedings I was back in pain.

So I think I'm throwing in the towel.

It's hard not to feel like  a bit like a failure in not making this work. But hey, I really shouldn't be surprised. I've given it six weeks filled with pain, tears, and weird nerves twitching near my shoulder blades.  I think what bothers me most is the nurses pushing pushing pushing breast-feeding directly only. With pumping, he still gets breast milk. Whether he gets it via nipple or bottle doesn't really matter nutritionally. So shove it naysayers.

I will miss the sweetness that comes with having him tucked up against my body every couple of hours. Still I imagine I can work in a little more snuggle time. Yeah, that would be rough. :)

xoxo

Does it bother me?

I was talking to Fairyeggs the other day when I wondered something. But I didn't know if I should ask. I didn't know if it might bring up unexpected feelings. I didn't know if I would be opening a can of worms.


Fairyeggs, does baby E look like you? 


I'm sure at some point in our friendship that I have seen baby pictures of her, but I couldn't really recall much. I never really thought about asking her to see a picture because what did it matter? I was certainly going to think my son was the cutest thing on earth when he came (smile). 


Yet in this passing question. it seemed like a myriad of emotions could erupt. Sometimes I wonder if they will surface in her unexpectedly. I wonder if I should watch what I say.


It sounds all dramatic, but it really wasn't that big of a deal because as usual we can discuss anything. My moment of questioning passed as I remembered the strength of our relationship. The trust that I have in her to discuss something if it bothered her came flooding back. This is why we were able to do this in the first place!


So I laughed at myself and then asked her. 


Wouldn't you know, she wanted to ask me if I thought he looked like her! 


Giggle. 


Like me, she didn't know if she should ask. She didn't know if it might bother me.


Aren't we the most considerate friends?

xoxo

ZZZZs

There are few things in this world better than laying my son close to me and hearing his soft breathing. Of course, his breathing is interspersed with snorts, grunts and all other baby noises.

I sat on my couch for a good twenty minutes just watching him catch his ZZZs.

Smiles. Eye brow raising. Forehead wrinkling.

Love it.

There is hope my friends.

xoxo

Houston: We have rollover.

I repeat, we have rollover.


Baby Center says that, "Your baby may be able to kick himself over, from his tummy to his back, as early as age 2 to 3 months." So imagine my surprise when at five weeks + three days this happened during tummy time:

While I'm happy that his neck and head control are obviously on the right page, I don't want him to grow up too soon! Don't rush things Baby E! Take your time and be a kid as long as possible. 


And in my sleep deprived state, this kind of post is massively preferable to my bumbling writing anyway. :) See ya tomorrow. . .


xoxo

The furbaby

I am a complete nut about my dog Sweetpea.

So when she accepted baby E without much hoopla, I breathed a huge monstrous sigh of relief.

I would hate to neglect her on my blog, so I present to you a video of her trying out her 'snow shoes' for the first time inside and outside the house. Ignore my insane giggling. I just couldn't help myself.

and for good measure, my other love:

xoxo

The best.

I started writing a post about how easy it was for me to feel weepy being overly tired these days. Then, my son cried. So I walked over to his little lamb bouncy seat, picked him up, and went off to the land of poopy diapers. With the diaper conquered, a little booboo juice was administered. When done, my little man burped and then curled into a contented little lump on my chest. He folded his arms under his head and tucked his legs so his bum stuck up in the air. And then he sighed.

All it takes is a moment like this to bring me to a place where I remember how absolutely thankful and lucky I am to have him. He's the best thing in the world.

xoxo

Dear Bessie and Bossie,

As someone who has known you your entire lives, I must say that I am quite disappointed in you. I know that you have been enduring constant sucking and pulling over the last month. I know that you have been poked and prodded by virtual strangers. I know that I have paraded you around the house in a most indiscrete manner. Hooooowever, my dears, this is no excuse for your behavior. Bleeding, swelling, cracking, going numb, turning white and most of all giving me mastitis twice is just uncalled for. So here's your notice, shape up and give me fracken break or there will be consequences. You know me, I don't bluff. So get yourselves in gear and quit complaining about your new status as a milk cow. This is your lot in life. Suck it up buttercups!

Love always,

J

xoxo

Winter Wonderland

**Being a newbie up here, I am completely enchanted with the novelty of all things unique to Alaska. So you are going to hear about it. 

Days and nights are differentiated right now by the whether or not it is light outside. For most people, this would be quite normal except in Alaska the sun doesn't rise until about 9:30 am. Since my son is such a good sleeper, in between feedings I sleep on and off from midnight until about 10. 

So when I finally crawl out of bed with the attitude that the day is starting, I open up my blackout blinds to a winter wonderland. No kidding. I wouldn't be surprised if one day I saw little nutcrackers marching across my yard and ballerinas pirouetting in their tutus. The snow collects on the branches of the birch trees that frame our backyard. The light gracefully glints across the snow turning into a sparkle-fest. It's so quiet.

My photography doesn't do it justice but I submit to you anyhow,  the first taken about ten and the second around noon...

Of course the best part is that I look down and see this face.

Life is really really good.

xoxo

I Heart Shutterfly

Bloggers, now that spider monkey has arrived, I am in deep dark trouble. I have a love affair with photo cards. I am passionate about thick card stock and pretty designs. I rarely indulge in my own cards because after all who wants to hang a picture of me on their fridge? Baby E on the front of your fridge? That's a completely different story! So now that I have him to showcase, I am ready to indulge indulge indulge in my love affair. This my dears? This means that Shutterfly is now permanently on my favorite bar. Coincidently, Shutterfly is offering 20% off of all holiday cards.

Currently, I am working on my Christmas/Holiday card of baby E. This year has been so good to us so I'm here are my choices that express some type of joyful attitude. Shutterfly has some nice designs that make me happy. Here are the front runners:

 

If you want an up close look at the cards, you can find all of Shutterfly's Christmas cards by clicking HERE. Of course if you are going to go all out you can get matching gift tags and address labels! I <3 Shutterfly!!!

What do you think? Which one should be it for this year--1, 2 or 3?

xoxo

*Full disclosure - I'm getting free cards for writing this blog - I <3 them before and now even more!

A little forgetful?

Thank you thank you for your well wishes. I don't deal well with fever and chills -- could you tell?  I made it through today and even felt like a relatively normal human being for a few minutes.
*******
You hear stories about pregnancy brain, where preggos suddenly can't remember the slightest things. This totally happened. So why haven't I heard about mom brain?


Ever since my little man came I have become a virtual black hole for information. I have no idea whether it is the lack of sleep or something chemical but I have a mush brain! Yesterday I had to ask my hubby what kind of diaper we had just changed literally minutes before. Was it pee? Was it poo? Did it shoot across the room this time?


This morning I woke up fed my little man, ate an apple and chugged daily pills around six-thirty then headed back to sleep. Later around lunch I grabbed a waffle and noticed that I hadn't taken my Wednesday pills yet. So I downed those too. Wait. Wednesday? What day is it?

Yep, I double dosed because I can't remember what day it is!!! Scary.

Thankfully my little man is covered because I use an app on my iphone to help me remember what and when I've fed and changed him. LIFE-SAVER!

And the best part of all of this...the reason I'm forgetful (love my little squish!)

xoxo

So much for my plans!

Today starts Nablopomo - National Blogging Month!! You can click the cool link to the right if you blog and would like to take part in this.

So I had some great ideas for homages to the fact that yesterday was my son's due date. Today is also the first calendar month of his birth. Great great things to write about.

Instead, I am trying to make it through the days and nights without keeling over as I have mastitis AGAIN! Saturday night after a feeding I got the chills and a raging fever along with a bright pink breast. My whole body hurt in a way that no human should ever have to endure. Sunday my hubby took over all care of Baby E so I could sleep and pump and then sleep some more. By Sunday night I has a complete breakdown thinking about trying to care for my son by myself feeling the way I did. The nurse advice line sent us into the emergency room where I was given antibiotics and pain meds. Thankfully my awesome hubby was able to take an emergency day of leave to keep taking care of E today. Please let this go away soon.

xoxo