There are so many things that I am hard on myself about. Elements of motherhood seem to another thing I add to my list of things I feel enormous guilt about. For example, when I slept through my alarm when I was suppose to feed baby E, I woke up feeling like the WORST mom ever.
Seriously. Can I be more inane?
My perception of myself just doesn't remain constant. On one hand, I know that I am a great mom already because I don't do things like make meth in my house with my six week old in tow! Yet at the same time, something like listening to him scream while I'm attached to the pump makes me feel like a douche bag.
The same thing happens in my relationship with my husband. He's incredibly sarcastic, so comments that are meant in jest sometimes make me feel incredibly low. I know he loves me with his whole heart so why do I doubt that he sees my worth?
On so many levels I know that I'm a successful and smart person who has her shiznat together. Yet, in the small moments of life, I let things get to me.
Why oh why am I so hard on myself?
The other day when I was talking about breastfeeding, Cheri said, "If he's getting breast milk he is WAY ahead of many other babies, so PLEASE try to relax and enjoy your precious little boy. And even if you switch to formula, he will still be fine, fine, fine. My mom had five kids and wasn't able to nurse (something about inverted nipples I believe). AND she smoked with all of her pregnancies. We kids all survived. And I'm reasonably intelligent, even. So, Mom was a smoker and I had only substandard 1950s formula. Who knows what they put in that shit back then!!!?? :-O"
This completely made me laugh because it is something very similar to what my husband said while I was pregnant. And you know what, they are both right. When you look at the grand scheme of things, most of the people who are reading this blog are (or will be) incredible parents. I love my child, provide for my child, and plan to teach him things like how to work hard, be a good friend, and love the Patriots. I think in our times of neurotic super-moms, we forget how resilient children are.
I need to remember this and cut myself a break on the small stuff I worry about. I need to get over this inane crap that is absolutely not important.
xoxo
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most definitely! give yourself a break (easy to say) and know that you are good.
ReplyDeleteI have mostly lurked but thought I would write a post to say that I am going through similar feelings right now (I have a 4 week old little boy.) You are not alone!! I agree we need to give ourselves a break but it is definitely easier said than done! Wishing you the best!!
ReplyDeleteThank you for this post!!!!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteI'm a little late in posting, but I LOVED your ring post!
ReplyDeleteI think you just want it all to be perfect for him. We are our own worst enemies, right? Your babe is a lucky guy.
ReplyDeleteI never got brestfead, my dad left me in the car one time when he dropped mom at the door of the restaurant and went and parked, and I for sure fell off thier bed at least 3 times before I was 6months old... I had colic and at the suggestion of my doctor, she would put me in my car seat, set me in the shade in the back porch, and leave me out there for 10-15 min while she re-gathered her wits about her...nothing phased me to bad, at least I don't think so! :) You are an amazing wife, mother, sister, daughter, teacher, and friend.
ReplyDeleteps- I'm glad your MY friend!
ReplyDeleteI'm horrible about posting comments, but please know I read your blog and couldn't be happier for the arrival of E!
ReplyDeleteI'll chime in on this post specifically because as I'm now 3.5 years into this whole motherhood thing, I still second-guess myself, guilt myself and am harder on myself than probably anyone else out there. And just when I think I'm doing ok and have things (kind of) figured out, someone (i.e. my kid) changes the game up on me and I feel like I'm navigating through a whole different game with the wrong rules. ya know?
The point is, kind of like you said. When you are able to stop and put things into perspective...you're a good mom. Hell, most of us are. We aren't working a corner or dealing crack out of the back room. We research, we love, we discipline and we question ourselves, and that in itself makes me recognize that we wouldn't do all of this if we didn't care and weren't good moms. I stopped breastfeeding my B at 8 weeks. She is rarely sick, is super smart. I let my husband feed her from a bottle (formula or breastmilk) even if I was in the room and able to feed her. I planned ahead and tried to anticipate things like diaper blow-outs in TJ Maxx...and always kept a spare diaper bag (stocked) in the trunk. I let her cry it out (and was grateful I did) while I sat in the other room listening to every minute of it...I was rigid about her sleep schedule to my own social detriment, and even now if she acts up I will not hesitate to pick her tantruming butt up and haul her out to the car to cool off.
You're a great mom. You'll navigate this and all that comes your way in the best way(s) you know how and that's all that matters. As long as you remember a happy, rested mom = happy rested baby and keep away from the meth and working the corners everything is going to be oooooookay. Congrats, momma.
this is a great post! and yes, give yourself a break. E is gonna turn out fine. especially with a great mom like you. :)
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