Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Well...

This morning I woke up to be completely wide awake before the alarm went off. I read my emails and blogs then piddled around and threw my clothes on. The drive was foggy which is a lot of fun when I'm staring through my coke-bottle glasses. However we made it there to find out that I was the only patient in the ART center, so I would be the center of attention.

The same nurse A, managed to get my IV in after only two sticks which was great since they usually do it five times with my rolling veins. We sat and watched "Charmed" and ESPN while we waited for the time to roll around. Hubby got led off to the play room to do his part--my champ! Then off I went rolling in my hospital bed to the procedure room. I climbed on the big bed and went poof--right under into lala land.

I woke up with my dry mouth and immediately asked how many. "Five, all from the right side," hubby said.

I burst into tears. Sobbing. Curled up in a ball. *enter fuzzy fog--the rest of it filled in by hubby*

Apparently, I said to hubby that "I'm broke."

He tried to reason with me, cheer me up, pull out percentages.

Then Nurse A came in and saw me bawling. She said, "it only takes one." Then she went and got Dr. S.

Dr. S came in and told me that five was great for me and about about what he expected. He said other nice things which I can't remember, but did help me to be able to breathe again. He gave my hand a squeeze and left.

I'm sure that I'm over reacting. Everybody else seems happy about it but me (and SuperNurse S who said she almost cried when she found out). I don't get it. The difference between three eggs to five eggs is negligible. I'm hoping that these eggs are mature unlike last time and we will have some, if not more than one, to replace.

Hubby told me later that he wished I would stop beating myself up about my body being broken. That these things aren't my fault. That we will reassess our options if this doesn't work out--nothing is off the table. He is a good man. But he did torture me a little by making me go to Target on the way home to pick up some snacks and feminine things. I got to ride one of the electronic carts. hehe.

I wish this post was more eloquent but, I am just raw, teary, and discouraged. I'll let you know how the fertilization report goes tomorrow.

xoxo

19 comments:

  1. Oh, gosh. I'm so sorry that things didn't turn out the way you had hoped. I've been checking all day, in between strangling 2nd and 3rd graders, to see how things went. I'm not going to lie and say that I'd be thrilled with 5 eggs either, but you know what- you made it a lot farther than I did this cycle, so I would take 5 at this point. Consider yourself lucky, Friend. I know how easy it is to beat yourself up with the what if's, but seriously, there is absolutely nothing you can do to change things. This is the dumb hand we've been dealt. You've done all you can and I know you've done your best, so just be patient and pray that one of those eggs develops into a beautiful baby in 9 months. You're in my thoughts. Take care and get some rest! Hugs.

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  2. I'm so sorry! I know how frustrating it is to not get as many as you were expecting. Just remember that quality is more important than quantity. I've heard of women only getting 2 or 3 and ending up pregnant with twins. So don't lose hope! This will work!

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  3. been thinking of you!!!!
    i can hear your disappointment.... as i have heard from friends. however, i am hoping that the one lucky one is in there ready to go!

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  4. Thinking about you!!! I'm sorry things didn't go as you had hoped....but I was very happy to hear that there were more this time!!!

    Can't wait to hear the reports!!!!!!!

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  5. Thanks for the words of encouragement. I know that I'm lucky to have five at all. Irrational as it sounds, I'm just broken-hearted right now. It will be better tomorrow. Today is just part of the journey, right?

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  6. And let me add that I really really really appreciate and love reading your comments. Thanks.

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  7. I am thinking of you and pray that one of those eggs will be your sweet baby in 9 months. I know 5 eggs isn't what you wanted. I am sorry that you are feeling down. I will be awaiting your fert report in the morning with fingers crossed.

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  8. I agree with Hillary. Quality over quantity. I completely understand your frustration and I'm saying a prayer that you have a fantastic fert report tomorrow. Get some rest & let your DH take care of you tonight. Hugs!

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  9. Its so hard not to have expectations isn't it? I could totally empathise with your reaction as I was a blubbering mess after my latest ER which resulted in 6 eggs. I just was SO upset, and when the Drs asked me what I was expecting I just couldnt answer it. I didnt really know what would be a good number as I have a number of friends who had over 15 eggs retrieved and they were still really upset as then they start to question whether the quality of all the eggs is any good!!! There's just no pleasing us IF woman!
    Your hubby sounds like a real sweetheart and it's so nice that he is able to be so supportive of you. This next 24 hours is so hard while you are waiting for the fertilisation report so look after yourself. I'll be thinking of you and have everything crossed for a good fert rate. :)

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  10. I'm sorry you were so disappointed. I hope you get an encouraging report tomorrow!

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  11. Good luck! Can't wait to hear what happens tomorrow.

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  12. I am sorry you were so disappointed! I am sending good baby vibes your way and waiting patiently to hear your report tomorrow. GOOD LUCK!!!!!!

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  13. I was thinking of you, and as much as you don't want to here it, it does only take one! :) Good things our husbands married us, not our ovaries!! I'll be thinking of you.

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  14. I'm sorry things didn't turn out like you had hoped. It is so hard not to get wrapped up in the numbers after all you go through to cycle. My fingers are crossed that they are all mature and fertilize well. Rest up and take care of yourself.

    Mo

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  15. Oh, sweetie - I'm sorry you're feeling disappointed. I have actually heard that fewer eggs are better because a greater percentage of them will be higher quality. I know you wish there were more, and I wish I could do/say something to make it better. I guess the grass is always greener because I wish I my body could do IVF at this point. Yes, that's right, I am coveting your five beautiful eggs! I am also sending them happy fertilization thoughts and crossing everything that you get a fantastic report tomorrow.
    Love,
    Maddy

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  16. Dearest overacheiver!
    We love you and 5 eggs is great! By the way just keep reminding yourself of all the fun hormones that can skew your view. your sis

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  17. Five beautiful eggs! I know you wanted more and that you're disappointed but think of the fantastic five you got, I just know that one of them is going to stick (all because of the socks).

    BIG HUGS!!!

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  18. sounds like you have a great supportive husband! hope you get a great report today!

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