Death of my Dream

Today sucks. 

After a really long day of flying across the country and then up to Alaska with little E in tow, we rolled out of bed to head to my appointment with Women's Health aka OB/GYN at the hospital. 

Originally I made the appointment in the hopes of getting a referral to a local doctor who might do some injectable cycles with IUIs. In the military system, this takes an appointment with your primary care doctor to get a referral to OB who will then refer you to an outside doc. I knew going into it that there are no Reproductive Endocrinologists in Alaska which doesn't really matter since IVF is not covered by my insurance. However in the few months that have passed between waiting for my various appointments, I have come back around to question whether or not it's feasible for me to safely carry another child. So in the end, this was the main topic for today.

The doctor was quite kind in giving his assessment in a way that respected our right to choose our own path. He didn't flippantly say adopt, but instead acknowledged that every path to a child for us will be difficult. 

I think today I just accepted the fact that to have another child myself would be a bigger risk than I'm willing to take. Between the financial and emotional risk, it just seems too large of a hill to climb. While I think we have a handle on the types of treatments that would get me pregnant (donor eggs or donor embryo), it would still cost thousands of dollars to simply get me pregnant. Of course, knowing us, there would also be some failures which would continue to squish our hearts just a little bit more. This would be followed by a pregnancy that would definitely require a cerclage and most likely end up in with a preterm delivery meaning NICU time and health issues for my child.

Besides these things, the toll of the worry and stress on my husband would be considerable. I think it is often much harder to be the one that is worrying rather than the one enduring. If I were to carry again, the doctor said we would need to plan on several months of bed rest. 

Contemplating this just makes me feel selfish. I want to do this because the birth experience was amazing. Seeing baby E for the first time was the most joyous moment of my whole life. I want that again. The cost of what it would take to get that dream? I think it is too much.

When I walked out of that office today, I felt like I just knew. I knew that this wasn't the right thing to do. So what is?

It felt like the death of my dream.

xoxo