Flapping Ears

Today I am not an emotional wreck.

Three cheers for not bursting into tears while painting!

I know, it sounds a little crazy to be so upset over a dog. I never got those people who acted like that until I got these two dogs. Really Pepper has been one of my kids for the last year and a bit. This is how I deal with not having munchkins of my own, I have dogs!

So here is how I am dealing with Pepper being gone: whenever I think about her, I picture her riding in a fire truck with her head stuck out the window. Her ears are flapping in the wind, and she's blissfully happy (The guy who adopted her is a fireman and plans to take her to work sometimes.) Then after a long day, she goes home to a happy family who pet her and yank on her tail. She loves it all.

Something that helped is Madhatter reminding me that Ceasar Milan says that dogs don't carry baggage like we do. Pepper is not sitting on her bed wondering why her mommy left her. She lives in the moment. So, since I had a text from the new family telling me everything went well last night, I'm trying to move on.

It's a little bit easier to do since I am dead tired from all of the painting and organizing to get ready for our move. My honey is an A-retentive-task-master when it comes to moving! Even though the Army will be packing and moving us, we still have to go through and organize everything. We keep the original boxes for almost everything, so we pack up all of our kitchen appliances, our fancy pots and pans, electronics, home decorations, etc. My husband calls it being organized, I call it obsessive! However, I'll be happy when none of my stuff gets broken. :)

xoxo

Pep

My sweet baby pup is gone.

Last week I put an ad in the paper on post about Pepper. Of course, we decided after a couple of days of non-stop crying to keep her. Apparently they didn't get the message to cancel the ad because at 7:06 am, I got my first of about thirty calls this morning about her.

The first guy I flat out lied to because, well I was asleep and then shocked that someone was calling. Yeah... V turned over and said, we could still find a good home for her. I knew in my heart that he wasn't just joking even though he followed it up with "just kidding, don't start crying."

Then I dragged my butt out of bed to let the dogs out. Sitting on the patio, I started thinking that maybe this was just meant to be. Maybe this was the kick in the butt I needed to make an adult decision. So tearfully, I told V about what I was thinking. He agreed. Eventually, he thought, this is what would happen anyway.

So I made him do the dirty work by vetting people out on the phone. Before I could change my mind, we found someone. A military family retiring here wanted her. Four kids. Four-five acres of land. It seems like there would be enough money and love to take care of her in the manner I see fit. (Yes, I'm a little bit of a mother bear about where my precious dog would be going to.)

They came and saw her. Loved her. So we drove her up to the vet clinic on post to get the records officially changed. V and I both cried the whole way up. V doesn't cry. In our life together I have only seen him cry two times: when his dad died, and when I surprised him at the welcome home ceremony after his Afghanistan deployment.

Today I add a third time.

In the end, this is for the best. I know that, but my heart definitely doesn't. We're going to work off our unhappiness now by painting the kitchen.

I love my Pepper always. xoxo

Acceptance

When I lived in Korea, I loved to go to Insa-dong to look at the art, pottery, and of course hit a traditional tea house. I always felt transported when I walked into this monk's art gallery. In the midst of the traffic and busy people, I felt calm.

This is what I imagine a perfect moment feels like. The squeezable cheeked monk in the picture is laying on grass with a little bird sitting on him. There is something about the colors of the greens and blues combined with his expression that makes me feel like I want to be the one laying there at peace.

I have not felt very peaceful lately.

One of my friends has tried to make me feel better by telling me about a very sad situation between a cheating husband and a wife who is trying to be nice. It doesn't help. I know rationally that there are worse things out there than not having a child. I know giving up my dog is not the worst thing that could happen to me. I know that my ring can be reset. But, I think this week is the culmination of a year charged with emotion that I have dealt with really well until now.

I read a blog today (babysmiling) that made me start thinking about acceptance. Surprise, surprise, I felt like crying when I read it because it kind of soothed my raw edges. I have accepted that it takes me more than your normal fertile myrtle. I have accepted that I will have to save money to even conceive a baby. What I haven't accepted is that IVF would not be a 100% magical cure for me. I haven't accepted that it might take more than two tries. I haven't accepted that it might not ever work. Right now I feel that grief.

It's okay for me to feel that way. Today, I can accept that I'm grieving over losses in my life. I can't accept everything, but I figure I will start there.

xoxo

****

On a complete side note, my husband and I have decided to keep trying with our dogs. Hopefully one day, I'll live in a city large enough to have a dog trainer who can help. For now, we're trying a couple of more things.

It comes in threes, right?

I would like to say this has been kind of a shitty week combined with one great element and one good thing. Please tell me the crap is over because I feel like I'm going to have a nervous breakdown.

The good:

*Hello, my husband came home safely from a war zone! You would think everything else would peaches right?

*IVF #2 - I have the money, I have the time, I have no cysts, and I have an awesome doctor who is bringing out the big guns this time.

The bad:

*IVF #1 - BFN found out on Monday.

*My wedding ring setting broke yesterday when I was helping out my hubby in the garage. I didn't lose any stones (TYG!), but I can't wear it until I get it reset. I hate not wearing my ring. Of course, I am going to turn this into good news when I get to design a new setting. Until then, boo!

*The worst - those of you who know me know I have two dogs whom I pretty much consider my kids. They have slept with me through a year of deployment, licked my tears when I cried, made me exercise every day, and laugh hysterically so many times. I have to find one of them a new home.

Pepper, the younger one, is the one who is going to go. She's is my sweet baby who loves to curl up next to me. She must go though because occasionally WW3 breaks out between the two of them. Yeah, don't buy two female dogs.

I've literally cried more tears today and last night than I have in a year of deployment. She's not just a dog, she's my family. To have her go is breaking my heart into pieces.

What's worse is it's not over, now I have to actually find her a good home. I don't think anyone could love her as much as I do. I can't have kids and now I can't even have my dog.

I feel like this is the thing that literally might break me.

Grump, grump.

Every time AF comes around, I have massive headaches. The six months that I was on the pill that gives you no periods was absolute bliss! My head didn't hurt even once.

I don't know if it is from IVF cycle, but this period has been absolute torture. Continuous cramps, frequently wanting to puke, and a headache from hell. Yes, one singular headache that has continued for the last three days.

This combined with the fact that hubby has a list of things to do like sit in my hot hot Louisiana garage sorting through our junk for our move, is making me a little miserable at the end of the day!

Anyway, I got to take my first BC pill today which will hopefully knock AF out.

Grump, grump.

xoxo

We're pulling out the big guns!

Round 2 has officially started! Ding!

I'm starting off with my little prep workout where I take birth control pills for four weeks. Since I so recently had a knock down drag out IVF cycle, I don't have to redo most of the tests.

My first U/S and labs won't be until September 22. . . that means I get 4.5 weeks without driving down to Lafayette. My FJ Cruiser will thank me. My gas card will thank me too! Incidentally, that is two days before my 33rd birthday!

Then, the big guns are coming out...he he he [insert maniacal laugh]. We are switching to a flare protocol where I will be sticking myself 2x a day, 12 hours apart, with high doses of Follistim and Lupron in the morning and the same in the evening along with Menopur.

If my estrodiol and eggs decide to show up this time, we'll be doing the egg retrieval October 6th.

Today, I actually got to take my husband to an appointment with me. Seriously, I am married people!

Yep, here we go again!

Call me crazy, but I'm going to try to start my second IVF cycle tomorrow. Yes, this means I had my negative beta on Monday and am going in for my baseline on Friday. Yikes! My RE only does five or six cycles a year, and I'm moving in a few months. So this is my chance to have another cycle while I'm still living here. Since I don't want to change doctors for just six months, I'd have to come down and stay at a hotel for the whole cycle if I can't do this one. The key for tomorrow is that I can try again if I don't have any cysts. I'm not very optimistic about this because I'm feeling pressure around my right ovary. Hmm. We'll see tomorrow. The best part of this is that my husband can go with me to my appointment! Yippee!

After the six months that we'll be spending in Missouri, we will be heading off to some new duty station. Who knows where in the Army hat of duty stations we'll pull! So in my spare time when I'm sitting in front of my computer, I check out IVF clinics in the areas we might be going to. We would really like to go overseas which would be fabulous for IVF since Europe is a huge possibility. It's a lot cheaper in many of the countries over there. This got me thinking about the cost of IVF in other countries in general. For example, V and I met while overseas in South Korea (that's a long story). As it happens, I could do four IVFs there for the price of one here! So, I guess the future isn't set. Maybe we'll land somewhere that will either continue the dream or by then add a #2 to the family.

Either way that tomorrow goes, I'm gearing up for round two, moving, and just enjoying my adorable husband.

xoxo

Home

My home is now filled.

As I write to you tonight, my husband is laying on the other end of the couch asleep of course while the pups are curled up on the floor next to us. Yes, my husband is HOME! Sigh. What a relief to have him here, home and safe.

I got an email at about 2:30 am (couldn't sleep) letting us know they would arrive about three hours earlier than expected. So, I didn't get to do a few things I had planned, but whatever! I drove on post to the battalion gym where we sat for about an hour and a half waiting for the soldiers to arrive. Since V switched to this unit just for a few months, I literally knew like two people. So, I sat behind a row of women in their twenties who proceeded to spend half an hour complaining about the ailments of pregnancy. Yeah. I actually had to move across the bleachers so I could relax and not blurt something completely inappropriate out! Then, finally the time came and the soldiers started walking through the doors into their formation. Everybody stood up and started clapping and waving their little flags. And of course, I could not find my husband until about five minutes into the ceremony! Bad wifey. Of course, this time V actually spotted me right away and totally caught me looking around to find him. Finally they dismissed the soldiers, the families ran out onto the gym floor, and finally I got to hug my husband. It's the best feeling in the world.

Today is a good day.

It's Okay

Today I am so much better than yesterday. But now of course, I'm getting a little teary eyed thinking about it. However, I do feel with every fiber of my being that I am lucky. I am lucky that I have so many people around the country who love me enough to call, email, facebook, whatever. One of my best friends literally talked to me for 1.5 hours which got me through the majority of my drive to the doctor's office. Two other friends called back to back and got me home. I emailed everybody the news so I didn't have to talk to them until I was ready. I'm so glad that I've been open about the situation with my friends, so they can be there like they were yesterday. I can't imagine them not understanding such a huge part of my life right now.

When I talked to my mom today, she told me that she wasn't sad because I wasn't pregnant but because I was so sad (or something to that effect). I told her that is was okay to feel sad about not having a baby too, because it's about having family. She said that we had to change the subject because I'm sure she didn't want to get teary walking through Macys! The thing that I realize in sharing this experience with others including others is that they get invested too.

With me feeling so much better today, part of me wonders if I am just being too matter of fact about this. Am I just internalizing the stress and shoving the sadness down into a little part of my heart? I can honestly say, I don't know. I feel like I need to focus on getting my body and mind ready for the next step (even though I enjoyed my jolt of caffeine today!). But, I'm trying to allow myself to feel a little lost at the same time. It's kind of a strange balance. Any suggestions on how to accomplish this?

The other part of dealing with the news is that I don't know if V knows or not yet. I wrote him an email. Okay, that sounds terrible but what else was I suppose to do since he is in transit? Ugh. Usually I get to hear from him at some of his stops when he comes home, but I haven't heard a word from him since last Friday. I hope that he gets to read the email and process the news before he gets home. That's probably selfish of me. I'm probably even making a bigger deal of it in my mind that it will be in his. Undoubtably, he will be strong about it because that simply defines my husband, strong. Thank goodness for that.

On that note, I will sign off. Sixteen hours until I get to hug my husband again. Sigh. I can't wait.

xoxo

The news

BFN or Big Fat Negative.

So now that I have cried my eyes out, I have come to accept the bad news. I think for the first time in this process that my heart is truly broken over the outcome. My chest is actually tight and hurting like someone punched me in the stomach. My eyes are all swollen and puffy. I feel like I have one last shot, as I doubt we'll do a third cycle. This of course leaves me at the kind of desperate and scared point since I want a little munchkin. I'm angry that there is nothing I can do to 'fix' this except open up my bank account and stick needles full of who-knows-what into my body. So I give myself today to feel these things.

Tomorrow, I have to gear up for my husband coming home which is such a good thing in my life. These twelve months have seemed to pass by so slowly at times but in retrospect, so quickly too. When he left I had just started a new teaching job and we were waiting to see if our first injectable cycle yielded any results. I would prefer him to not come home to a wreck of a wife so I guess I have to put on my big girl panties and deal with this!

So, in the hopes of moving on, it looks like we will be spending the next month here instead of on vacation as my dear RE says I will be able to jump on the next IVF train assuming I don't have any cysts. Hopefully AF will show up this week (welcome home honey!) and we can get the ball rolling again.

I'm still waiting to hear the results from a few cycle sisters, so I'm sending good thoughts to you. Those who already have their BFPs, you continue to give me hope that this will work. :D

xoxo

The 2ww is almost over!

Tomorrow morning I will be taking another 5 hour trip to and from the doctor's office to take a simple blood test. The simple blood test that will tell me whether of not the past six weeks were all for naught or if I will have a bloody miracle out of it. I'm happy to make this trip because at least I'll know. The waiting will be over. Hopefully my sanity and patience will return.

I have decided that I do have some of the best friends ever. Either way it turns out, the emails and phone calls have made a huge difference especially with Vince not here. Likewise my blog-buddies, thanks for the messages. They help. Thanks!

xoxo

4-3-2-1

Alright here is the countdown:

*Four more wake-ups before my hubby returns to me! Yippee!

*Three, the number of dog paraphernalia that I made today (2 dog beds, 1 dog toy) to keep myself busy.

* Two more wake-ups until my first beta.

*One, the number of peesticks in my bathroom. I'm not going to use it until Monday morning...maybe.

xoxo

2ww

Like everyone else who has to wait to let nature take its course, the 2ww is officially getting to me. I woke up at 3 am to Sweetpea whining to be let out. Of course, this led me to be awake for a good hour. My thoughts of babies, moving, my family, my husband, and my career (not in that particular order) kept bonging through my head. Not swirling, bonging.

First, I have to sleep three more times before my first beta. Ick. I have allowed myself to hope that I might actually be pregnant. But, it's more likely that I am not. If I'm not, I guess I have to get my behind in gear and start getting ready for the move and go back to the gym to lose some weight before my next IVF cycle.

If I'm not pregnant, I have to figure out how to tell my husband when he comes home from Iraq on Wednesday. I probably won't get to talk to him between the beta on Monday and his homecoming on Wednesday because he'll be making his way across the world on an airplane with at least five stops to refuel. Will the homecoming be tainted with sorrow? [insert melodramatic music]

If I'm not pregnant, then I guess I have to get my ass back in gear and substitute or something once we get to Missouri. I'll need to pick up teaching at least four online classes to get back on the savings route for future treatments.

If I'm not pregnant, my mom, dad, and sister will all be gracious and understanding that this cycle didn't work. Yet, I know that they all desperately want a grandbaby/niece or nephew just as much as I want a little munchkin. I don't look forward to them being disappointed. They are such a great family.

As much as I can hope for a BFP, the reality is that this a BFN could happen too, right? If it comes, I'll deal with it. But I have to be prepared for it either way. Today I guess I'm wallowing in the negative.

xoxo

BTW, I got a big fat Facebook lecture from a friend of a friend (who did IVF) for walking my dogs. Can I not do this during my 2ww?

Hungry

Seriously is it the progesterone shots and estrogen pills that are making my appetite like a giant monster? Usually, I find myself a little hungry at each meal if I eat reasonably during the day. If I eat something gigantic and fat-filled like I did at lunch (yep, I was bad), I'm usually good for a long while. But not any more! No way, starving all the time! The hungry monster is killing me! Please tell me this is me being pregnant!

xoxo

Ode to the Red Head

I have a sister named Deb

Who has a terrific red head

With curls that abound

And bounce up and down

When picking my future

Baby's bed.

Okay, I don't think I can continue my ode, but let me tell you about my great sister. Since she's a special ed teacher, she had the summer off. May I mention now that it is the first summer she has taken off in TEN years of teaching. For you non-teacher's you may think, "What's the big deal?" Literally, breaks are all about keeping teachers sane. So she decided to take a road trip during her well deserved vacation with my house as the eventual destination down here in Louisiana.

Her whole time here she has spent driving back and forth down to Lafayette which is 2.5 hours away from where I live. So this means that my sister drove 1726 miles from California to come stay with me in my beautiful house in a Walmart town. Then she turned around and drove to my nine appointments which took 45 hours of driving time!

With my husband on his third twelve month tour to Iraq, I definitely have gotten use to doing things without him. I just do everything without a traditional support network. Having a husband and not having him with me during this year of infertility treatments has been a long journey. Having great friends and a family a phone call away has been such a help. So has this blog in fact!

Between all of this, I think I forgot and also underestimated the support I would need with this IVF treatment. So having my sister here to help me with every step has been amazing. She has taken care of me after my polyp removal, egg retrieval, and waited on me hand and foot since the transfer. She even walked my dogs for me over the past week so I could rest. She's not a saint by any means, she lost that label when she took a picture of me snoring up a storm after my full anesthesia! Evil! However, she's been literally the thing I needed most that I didn't know I needed.

Thanks so much for coming this summer Deb! I love you! Travel safely home.

A little bit of crazy...

I feel a little bit of crazy today....

*I finally left the house since after my transfer. Yes, I've been obsessively resting this whole time.

*I refuse to clean my house because I'm afraid of the chemicals.

*I had a profuse hot flash today, that I really think was due to using the hair dryer in this effing humid climate! My friend and sister both attributed it to being PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise, for all of you non-IFers.) It continued on and off throughout the day. Are hot flashes even a symptom?

*Slight cramping is a good sign right? Am I imagining it? Am I just digesting food?

*Looking all the BFPs from other bloggers from home-pregnancy tests has made me start thinking of them....say no, say no, say no.

*I wanted to yell at the Sears Service people when they said I had to be home from 8-5 for the service call tomorrow. Seriously people, you can't give me a smaller window? You can't call before you show up?

*Between 5-8 days until hubby comes home from Iraq.

*7 more days until my first beta.

How am I going to wait when I'm scared to do anything to upset the womb? Going coo-coo!

xoxo

STRESSSSS!

As you might have seen on my page, I have two adorable and loving American Bulldogs named Sweetpea and Pepper. However, they are not always so sweet and loving towards each other. Today, Pepper got her teeth caught on her kennel which for some reason completely ticked off Sweetpea. She went off on the cage and tore her mouth up which of course got Pepper also riled up which tore her mouth up. Meanwhile dog blood and slobber flew all across my wheat colored carpet until my sister and I managed to get Sweetpea away from the cage. Meanwhile, my anxiety level is going through the roof! This is not good for the embaby implanting!

I don't get why this kind of thing happens. The dominance issues have been worked out, we know who the pack leader is, WTF?

V called after I wrote him an email. He said, "We can't have this happening if we have a baby in the house." Yep. I can't wait for him to come home and help.

Life of Leisure

Well, here I am living the life of leisure as I continue bed rest today. My sister is definitely enforcing the 48 hour window by waiting on me hand and foot. Yes, she is the best supplying me with grapes and a yummy Sonic drink. All I need is a hot hunk (perhaps my husband) to come fan me with the palm leaves!

Unfortunately, he is still a good ten days away from his homecoming. I think of him sleeping in his tent baking under the sun (since he sleeps during the days) even though the air conditioning is cranking. Soon he'll be tucked away in our lovely air-conditioned house. Smiles.

The waiting to find out if I'm knocked up and for him to come home is simultaneously torturous. This is the evil life conspiracy! :)

xoxo

One Perfect Little Embryo

Today I had one perfectly formed embryo transferred! It's absolutely amazing that out of my three little eggs, one fertilized and managed to turn into a perfect, grade 1, non-fragmented embryo. What are the chances of that considering everything that has gone wrong?

The process was easy with two little Valium pills to relax the uterus, about ten minutes with an U/S and speculum (just can't get enough of those), and to keep me focused, a picture of my embaby on another screen. I got to watch as he inserted everything via the ultrasound monitor too...kind of cool.

Taking it easy for the next two days is the game plan. Dr. S told me that I've been great throughout the process and in remaining positive. So I am laying here sending positive thoughts down that direction! LOL

In other good news, I felt like a normal human being this morning before the transfer. Some of the crappy drug weight dropped off in the last few days, and I finally felt like I didn't have a fake prego belly. Of course that has changed now as I feel like I'm puffy again which makes no sense since they only inserted the smallest little embaby this morning.

Send good thoughts over the next few days!

Still in the Game!

Yep, the little one made it through the night and turned into a lovely unfragmented cells. We're still in the game! Whoohoo!

One

"I'm a Lucky Man" by Verve rang out of my phone this morning as I changed my ringtone last night in hopes that I will be lucky but not that I would be a man. The embryologist J was on the line telling me that all three of my eggs were intermediate, ICSI was performed on all three, and one egg was fertilized this morning. One. One effing egg? One little ray of hope? Yep, I feel both ways about it, of course. So, we're headed for a day three transfer if the little one makes it.

xoxo

Lovely Blog Award

Thanks to fertility chick (http://fertilitychick.blogspot.com/) for passing along the Lovely Blog Award to me. Those of you who receive it should pass it forward to other bloggers you enjoy and make sure you let them know that you did! I enjoy reading all of these (and others but they already got the award!):

1. http://incredibleinjectable.blogspot.com/

2. http://murgdan.blogspot.com/

3. http://willnotworkforbaby.blogspot.com/

4. http://howbabiesarereallymade.blogspot.com/

5. http://storkstalker.blogspot.com/

Thanks for sharing!

What to say?

I don't even know what to title this post. I'm a little mixed up right now between sadness, love, and a tiny bit of hope. As you know, my egg retrieval was this morning. We left the house at 4:45 am and checked in at 7:15 am. The procedure took place at about 8:45 am. They wheeled me into the operating room and had me get out and climb on the massively high table via a stool. Then of course I had to "assume the position, lassie!" except these stirrups allowed my whole calf to be supported. Pretty darn comfortable if I must say so myself. The room had that dim light from the overhead movable light that was made even more creepy from the fact that I can not see a blasted thing without my glasses. This means I have blobs running through my field of vision.

Apparently there was a point in the procedure where the room got pretty quiet when they found just three eggs in my follicles. Three. Actually two mature eggs and one that's on the cusp is what they found. I guess it affects Dr. S too when he sees something not go so great happen. There should have been around thirteen eggs including the immature eggs, but the follicles were just empty. Empty. That's pretty much how I'm feeling now too.

Dr. S came back around a second time to check on me and talk to me since the news wasn't so great. I really love working with him and his office because he makes to the extra visit when needed. When he left, I had three tears roll down my face. But now as I write this listening to Faith and Tim sing "I Need You", the tears have started their path down my face. It just sucks.

And now I have to move on from my pity party so that I can focus on what I do have. I do have at least two eggs that could be fertilized. As Dr. S and the embryologist told me, all it takes is one good one. So raise your glasses tonight and hope the sperm and eggs have a little party in the petri dish tonight. They have a little matchmaking help since we are doing ICSI, where they take a pipette and put the sperm directly into the egg. Party hard tonight! Do it on the first night! Don't use protection! LOL. At least I can laugh, right?

For now, I'm going to rest and wait for the embryologist to call tomorrow to let me know how they fertilize....

xoxo

Note to self: bring socks next time. Brr.

Tomorrow is egg retrieval day. As I sit here on my couch with my two very best companions on the floor next to me chewing their bones, I wonder what the hell is going on with me. I need to clean and pick up my house so it doesn't drive me crazy over the next few days when I'm laid up. And yet I'm just obsessed with reading blogs about other people who have gone through IVF. I want to scrub my kitchen floor but I'm afraid of the chemicals. I need to go through my closet and weed out clothes for our move, but my stomach is all the wrong size right now! I need to go through the spare room, but I don't want to lift and shove the boxes around. What the hell is wrong with me! I'm afraid my husband will come home and be like what the heck happened to your lists for the summer? Um, my fear of doing anything right now except letting my follicles grow is what happened. I know this is completely irrational, but I'm on drugs, so I'll blame the paranoia on them.

I just reconnected through FB with a former high school teacher whom I adored back then. Going to a small private school let us really get to know our teachers and vice-versa. We also are connected through a trip I won with a history team through the L.A. Times to Germany for ten days. Fun times! Now, he's married with three kids and going to seminary. Seriously, my big bad history teacher and part-time bouncer is now attending seminary? That's a shift that surprises me on one hand but not on the other since he always had a firm grip on his morals.

However, getting back to the point, is that it started me thinking about religion and the lack there of in my life. My life was surrounded by religion growing up. While I don't regret any of my childhood, the wackiness of the church I grew up in has led me on a path to completely eschew organized religion on any level. But the fundamental part of me still believes in something bigger than my relatively ordinary existence. Yet, it still feels hypocritical for me to ask others to pray for me. So instead I will say:

So in this time where so much is out of my control, I have to ask others to pray for me, send me good thoughts, warm fuzzies, luck or whatever you might believe in. For the others going through the same thing right now, I sending them right back!

Taking the Bad with the Good

Today I knew it wasn't going to be good when the nurse told me that Dr. S would be in to talk to me without much fanfare. Ut oh.

I knew from my 8 am U/S that I had some bigger eggs. In fact lefty has: 18, 16, 14, 14, 13 mm follicles. Righty is the champ today with: 24, 20, 18, 16, 16, 15. So, while we waited for Dr. S to finish with his egg retrieval at the hospital, we went for a little IHOP and Target run.

Gold-star sister and I came back at 10 am and waited awhile for our turn. That's when my first inclination that something was wrong, hit me. Yep, Dr. S calmly explained that the bad news was that my E2 (type of estrogen) level was only at 604 when it should be at least around 1200. Uh huh, this is the same blasted problem I have had all ten days of my stim meds!

So he said that his inclination was to go forward because of the U/S, but Dr. S needed to hear where I was coming from based on his scenarios:

Scenario 1 - If this is the only time we plan to do IVF, then we should cancel and do an IUI instead. Then start again next month.

Scenario 2 - If this isn't the only time we plan to do IVF, then we could go ahead and try it to see what would happen because he puts my chances at about 45% instead of his usual 55% success rate.

The fact is that the Army has us moving by October to Missouri. I loathe to switch doctors. So, I think that I would honestly come back and do a cycle if I needed to and stay with some friends. However, this is definitely not the best scenario. The other fact is that my hubby and I have been saving and do plan to do at least two IVF cycles. While I don't want to waste money, if I have a good chance, I think I should take it. So I am!

I still didn't get the correlation between follicles and the E2 level. So I asked Dr. S. to explain. As I had learned from the nurse. Generally a mature follicle will correlate with a 200 E2 level. So, if you have six mature follicles, you would have a 1200 E2 level. Since my E2 level and U/S don't match up, there is a hesitation to proceed. There could be follicles growing without any eggs in them... So, while we're going ahead with it, they could get in there and not find the mature eggs they are expecting. What I figure is that it's better to know what is going on now than later.

You would think the word "cancelled" would strike fear into my heart after the emotional and financial investment. Sometimes I'm surprised that I'm not bursting into tears or hysterically gulping down oxygen. I'm okay though. V called on the drive home and is fine with my decision (although I was barely coherent at the time because I was napping). One step at a time baby!

So here we go, HCG shot tonight 8:45 pm and going to the hospital Monday at 7:15 am for the egg retrieval.

By the way today is our 4th anniversary! I love that man! xoxo