Tuesday, August 18, 2009

It's Okay

Today I am so much better than yesterday. But now of course, I'm getting a little teary eyed thinking about it. However, I do feel with every fiber of my being that I am lucky. I am lucky that I have so many people around the country who love me enough to call, email, facebook, whatever. One of my best friends literally talked to me for 1.5 hours which got me through the majority of my drive to the doctor's office. Two other friends called back to back and got me home. I emailed everybody the news so I didn't have to talk to them until I was ready. I'm so glad that I've been open about the situation with my friends, so they can be there like they were yesterday. I can't imagine them not understanding such a huge part of my life right now.

When I talked to my mom today, she told me that she wasn't sad because I wasn't pregnant but because I was so sad (or something to that effect). I told her that is was okay to feel sad about not having a baby too, because it's about having family. She said that we had to change the subject because I'm sure she didn't want to get teary walking through Macys! The thing that I realize in sharing this experience with others including others is that they get invested too.

With me feeling so much better today, part of me wonders if I am just being too matter of fact about this. Am I just internalizing the stress and shoving the sadness down into a little part of my heart? I can honestly say, I don't know. I feel like I need to focus on getting my body and mind ready for the next step (even though I enjoyed my jolt of caffeine today!). But, I'm trying to allow myself to feel a little lost at the same time. It's kind of a strange balance. Any suggestions on how to accomplish this?

The other part of dealing with the news is that I don't know if V knows or not yet. I wrote him an email. Okay, that sounds terrible but what else was I suppose to do since he is in transit? Ugh. Usually I get to hear from him at some of his stops when he comes home, but I haven't heard a word from him since last Friday. I hope that he gets to read the email and process the news before he gets home. That's probably selfish of me. I'm probably even making a bigger deal of it in my mind that it will be in his. Undoubtably, he will be strong about it because that simply defines my husband, strong. Thank goodness for that.

On that note, I will sign off. Sixteen hours until I get to hug my husband again. Sigh. I can't wait.



  1. I am so glad that your husband is coming home so that you two can be there for eachother during this time...and discuss what you all want to do next.

    Thinking about you. Praying for you.

  2. I think that how you feel is normal. Over the past 2.5 yrs I have moments of complete emotional breakdowns and then I have other moments of almost feeling fine. It's weird but I think sometimes our brains let us feel lost or let us compartmentalize the stress so that we can function for a while. KWIM?