Tomorrow is egg retrieval day. As I sit here on my couch with my two very best companions on the floor next to me chewing their bones, I wonder what the hell is going on with me. I need to clean and pick up my house so it doesn't drive me crazy over the next few days when I'm laid up. And yet I'm just obsessed with reading blogs about other people who have gone through IVF. I want to scrub my kitchen floor but I'm afraid of the chemicals. I need to go through my closet and weed out clothes for our move, but my stomach is all the wrong size right now! I need to go through the spare room, but I don't want to lift and shove the boxes around. What the hell is wrong with me! I'm afraid my husband will come home and be like what the heck happened to your lists for the summer? Um, my fear of doing anything right now except letting my follicles grow is what happened. I know this is completely irrational, but I'm on drugs, so I'll blame the paranoia on them.

I just reconnected through FB with a former high school teacher whom I adored back then. Going to a small private school let us really get to know our teachers and vice-versa. We also are connected through a trip I won with a history team through the L.A. Times to Germany for ten days. Fun times! Now, he's married with three kids and going to seminary. Seriously, my big bad history teacher and part-time bouncer is now attending seminary? That's a shift that surprises me on one hand but not on the other since he always had a firm grip on his morals.

However, getting back to the point, is that it started me thinking about religion and the lack there of in my life. My life was surrounded by religion growing up. While I don't regret any of my childhood, the wackiness of the church I grew up in has led me on a path to completely eschew organized religion on any level. But the fundamental part of me still believes in something bigger than my relatively ordinary existence. Yet, it still feels hypocritical for me to ask others to pray for me. So instead I will say:

So in this time where so much is out of my control, I have to ask others to pray for me, send me good thoughts, warm fuzzies, luck or whatever you might believe in. For the others going through the same thing right now, I sending them right back!