When I lived in Korea, I loved to go to Insa-dong to look at the art, pottery, and of course hit a traditional tea house. I always felt transported when I walked into this monk's art gallery. In the midst of the traffic and busy people, I felt calm. This is what I imagine a perfect moment feels like. The squeezable cheeked monk in the picture is laying on grass with a little bird sitting on him. There is something about the colors of the greens and blues combined with his expression that makes me feel like I want to be the one laying there at peace.
I have not felt very peaceful lately.
One of my friends has tried to make me feel better by telling me about a very sad situation between a cheating husband and a wife who is trying to be nice. It doesn't help. I know rationally that there are worse things out there than not having a child. I know giving up my dog is not the worst thing that could happen to me. I know that my ring can be reset. But, I think this week is the culmination of a year charged with emotion that I have dealt with really well until now.
I read a blog today (babysmiling) that made me start thinking about acceptance. Surprise, surprise, I felt like crying when I read it because it kind of soothed my raw edges. I have accepted that it takes me more than your normal fertile myrtle. I have accepted that I will have to save money to even conceive a baby. What I haven't accepted is that IVF would not be a 100% magical cure for me. I haven't accepted that it might take more than two tries. I haven't accepted that it might not ever work. Right now I feel that grief.
It's okay for me to feel that way. Today, I can accept that I'm grieving over losses in my life. I can't accept everything, but I figure I will start there.
xoxo
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On a complete side note, my husband and I have decided to keep trying with our dogs. Hopefully one day, I'll live in a city large enough to have a dog trainer who can help. For now, we're trying a couple of more things.
Jen, I don't think we ever find 100% acceptance but what I've found is a I just have to put one foot in front of the other and try to remember that God is in control. I think that is the hardest part.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad your DH made it home safely and I could not even imagine having to give up one of my kitties. I hope you find a way to make it work between them.
Thanks for you kind words on my blog.
You are so so so very right to say that should allow yourself to feel how you're feeling now. You have to. And that isn't good or bad, it just is.
ReplyDeleteI know some of the emotions you must be feeling, I've been there. Just know that you will get through one day at a time. You will because we all do, even though it is so hard sometimes.
Hang in there and thanks for stopping by my corner--happy ICLW!