This is what I imagine a perfect moment feels like. The squeezable cheeked monk in the picture is laying on grass with a little bird sitting on him. There is something about the colors of the greens and blues combined with his expression that makes me feel like I want to be the one laying there at peace.
I have not felt very peaceful lately.
One of my friends has tried to make me feel better by telling me about a very sad situation between a cheating husband and a wife who is trying to be nice. It doesn't help. I know rationally that there are worse things out there than not having a child. I know giving up my dog is not the worst thing that could happen to me. I know that my ring can be reset. But, I think this week is the culmination of a year charged with emotion that I have dealt with really well until now.
I read a blog today (babysmiling) that made me start thinking about acceptance. Surprise, surprise, I felt like crying when I read it because it kind of soothed my raw edges. I have accepted that it takes me more than your normal fertile myrtle. I have accepted that I will have to save money to even conceive a baby. What I haven't accepted is that IVF would not be a 100% magical cure for me. I haven't accepted that it might take more than two tries. I haven't accepted that it might not ever work. Right now I feel that grief.
It's okay for me to feel that way. Today, I can accept that I'm grieving over losses in my life. I can't accept everything, but I figure I will start there.
On a complete side note, my husband and I have decided to keep trying with our dogs. Hopefully one day, I'll live in a city large enough to have a dog trainer who can help. For now, we're trying a couple of more things.