Across the Street

Right now I'm looking at my infertility from across the street. I'm still infertile. I still want a second child. But for right now, I've parked myself on the other side of the road.

While it's great to take a rest from the injections, travel, and heartache, I'm anxious to move on to FET #3. This wait is definitely a lesson in patience for me.

Meanwhile, I have had people from various parts of my life share their infertility journeys with me recently.

• One pregnant on the first IVF.
• One got pregnant on IVF#1 and miscarried. Now is currently pregnant from FET#1 but is scared shitless from spotting.
• One just taking a possible step into IVF.

It feels like a zillion of my bloggy friends are pregnant...some with surprise pregnancies after adoption or after primary infertility, while other pregnancies have come from more rounds of IVF.

I'm cheering for everybody.

Enjoying my little man.

And...being patient.

xoxo

It's a Turkey!

For the past three Thanksgivings, we've had this incredible turkey to be thankful for.

2010 - 1 month old

2011 - 13 months old

2012 - 2 years 1 month old

He's definitely changed my life and me in more ways than I can count. I'm so thankful to have him and all all of my family here to celebrate with. I hope you had a great day too.

xoxo

Nice question.

So today I got my medical screening for some insurance. Conveniently, the tech came to our house to collect my vitals and fluids. When she rang the doorbell, my dog Sweetpea came to the door barking. I did the rigamarole about checking to see if they liked dogs, blah, blah, blah.

And then, then she asked me if my dog was pregnant.

WTF.

No, my f'ing dog is not pregnant (and neither am I btw).

Then, thennnn she asks, well why is she so big?

Um....really?

My 80 pound American Bulldog is so big because she's an American Bulldog!

I can't believe she called my dog fat.

xoxo

Off the wagon

I fell off the Nablopomo wagon over the last few days. A mysterious bug kicked me right off.

Thankfully I had visitors who allowed me time to curl up under my sheets and lock my door. Yes, I actually have to lock my son out.

I'm not quite sure what triggered this last stage of his, but he's been incredibly mommy-centric.

All snuggles must be with mommy upon every wakeup (like that's horrible or something! lol). In fact when my sister walked into his room yesterday morning, he laid back down and said, "No, mommy."

Also, with family here, there is a certain expectation that I might shut the door when visiting the restroom. E thinks this is obviously unreasonable. He politely knocks on the bathroom door and then immediately throws it open or starts yelling "mooooooommy" if it's locked.

I'm pretty sure that these are common types of toddler behaviors. But, I must admit, I look back at them as some of my favorite moments of the day. It just shows me how strong our bond is which makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. My boy loves me.

Tomorrow is prep for Thanksgiving. Yay!

xoxo

Yuck

I feel like death warmed over tonight.

That's all I've got.

xoxo

In the mood.

While I'm usually more of a bah humbug type of girl until the Christmas decorations go up, I can't help myself right now. I've already broken out the holiday pajamas, and it's totally my sister's fault! She sent me these... 

The stripes just kill me! I can't help but be cheery! Besides, how could you not after looking at that smiling face?

xoxo

A is for Adultery

On the first night my husband met me, he asked me straight out if I had a boyfriend and if I was married. Can you tell that he's a straight shooter? I was taken back a bit because in my little world, I would never be chatting up a guy if I had either. However in my hubby's world....not so much. 

Living in Korea, I saw a lot of servicemen and women who were geographically separated from their families for the year. Similarly in the last decade, multiple back-to-back year-long deployments have meant families are strained and stressed from separations. For example, within a six year time period, my hubby was deployed three years and home three years. These separations put some spouses in a position where they feel the need to cheat. It's not an excuse to do so, but many servicemembers or spouses have gone in that direction. 

So I was not that surprised when I heard about a former general's affair with his biographer. To be fair, he's not part of the military anymore and thus not under Uniform Code of Military Justice. As a reservist, she is though. Within the shitstorm that is brewing, another high ranking officer is also under investigation. 

Unlike some other professions, the UCMJ clearly defines adultery as unacceptable behavior that comes with consequences. So I wonder is, what will really happen to these military members? Will they get a slap on their wrist or will they have real consequences? 

I just don't get it. Why would you ever put your whole career and family on the line just to get some? 

xoxo

It's Major

Celebrating Veteran's Day was a major event in my household this year. Before the long weekend, my husband was promoted to the next rank. While we've known since last March that the promotion was coming, we've been anxiously waiting for his number to be called up for the month. So this day was a day for much celebration in our house!

This is the first promotion ceremony that I have been able to attend since he was commissioned after ten years of enlisted service. He's been deployed so often that his promotions have fallen when he was in the sandbox. So getting to attend the ceremony, to have E there, and also my parents, was just cool.

My husband is what I would describe as an ardent patriot. He loves this country and defends it with pride. I don't think I really understood that depth of patriotism until I met him. As a person he is demanding, infuriatingly logical, confident, intelligent, hardworking, loving and loyal.  He applies 100% of his himself to defending our country so that we can live our lives in a peaceful and stable nation.

I'm so proud of him.

He is not alone in his service to our country. According to the Census Bureau, there were 21.5 million veterans living in the United States in 2011. At the same time, there were about 311 million people in our country. This puts the percentage of people who have served in the military at about 7%. While this number varies between sources (usually between 7-9%), it at least gives you a general idea. Even this number is changing as the WWII generation leaves us.

Thanks to all of our veterans who have served. You are thought of and appreciated.

xoxo

Sweet

There are so many things that I had NO idea were so fabulous about being a mom. One of those things is wrapping up my son in a towel and carrying him back to his room. Or, in E speak, "hug!" There something just so fabulous about smelling his clean hair and feeling his soft cheeks that just gets me every time. I just don't think I could love him any more than I already do. Thanks grandpa for catching one of my favorite moments on camera. 

Hope you are having a great start to your week.

xoxo

The P Words!

There are a couple of P words that are going around our house this weekend. 

P Word #1

Daddy was super surprised during a changing when E burst out with the word "penis!" Of course he then grabbed it. Daddy came out and was like, "What are you teaching him!?!" 

P Word #2

With the 'rents here, we slipped out for a date with other tall humans on Saturday night. When we were on our way home we got a text that E had puked twice. My son is not a puker, so we felt bad that we weren't there to comfort him. 

P Word #3

Today E had the grunt face going on while we were playing. When I asked him if he wanted to sit on the potty, he said yes! So off we went! There was success. :D

xoxo

Anyone?

Anyone want to come and have a picnic with me here in Wasilla?

xoxo

Self-explanatory spoiling

Granny is here. 

Life is good.

xoxo 

Alaska

Every week I drive into Anchorage to shop and run errands. Since I live in Wasilla, this means I get to drive about 45 minutes through some spectacular scenery. Today was a major day for us, but we managed to stop on our way home and snap some pictures. 

Right now, it's cold here but there's been a notable lack of snow. This has been a marked difference from our record breaking year last winter. There's just enough moisture to make the landscape freeze white.

These were just some quick snapshots that don't do it justice, but I want you to get a picture of what it looks like up here!

xoxo

It still cracks me up.

I posted this picture on election night because, it made me happy.

One of my hubby's buddies wrote this on FB:

Good Looking Boy! Thank the Lord he's got your genes. :)

Bahahaha....it still cracks me up. 

xoxo

TWO!

I'm not quite sure how it happened, but October slipped by without the necessary homage to my now TWO year old son! So in celebration of his two year old well baby visit, let me catch you up on little E.

Here are his stats...

Height? 34.8 in, 52 percentile
Weight? 30.2 lbs, 72 percentile
Head? 48.5 cm, 42 percentile
Diapers? Yes, size 5
Favorite food? Cheese, milk, green beans, pineapple, berries, and of course cooo-kies & cake!
Favorite activities? Dancing to music, swimming, bouncing, reading, and coloring.
Favorite toys? His slide, iPhone, xylophone, cars,
Favorite books? Brown Bear, Llama llama Red Pajama, The Busy Little Spider, Dr. Seuss' ABC

Since my cycle had us in California on his actual birthday, my sister was kind enough to throw E his party. She based it around his favorite "Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What do you see?" book by Eric Carle. We had a lot of fun...

Before the party...stations of fun and chairs for adults.

Painting and food stations!

The Goldfish station was a favorite as it was filled with goodies. :)

Bubbles?

Book station! Perfect for when all the kids were hot.

Painting & coloring!

Watermelon on a hot day...yum.

Blowing out the candle

Auntie smashed his cupcake in his face. He was not amused. 

We had a fabulous day filled with lots of fun and of course a few tears because well....he's two. Thanks Auntie D for throwing the party.

xoxo

Running fail.

With my time off from baby-making established, I decided that this was the prime time to lose some of the weight that I've packed on since I've been married.

I'm the kind of girl that has weight creep up slowly. A few pounds for each fertility treatment, another couple from wanting to crunch something during CIO, general mama-awesome-hood, vacations, very long winters, and well, general laziness and an adoration of food.

I did a great job while I was pregnant with E by only gaining about 15 pounds which I lost within two weeks. Of course, I gained it back....slowly, of course.

With our break, I'm refocusing on getting back in my groove.

I started with tracking all of my food (yeah, not very clean eating right now) and jumping on the treadmill with a Couch to 5K program.

My first run was great. It just felt so good to have those endorphins released. During the run, I had some pain in my right foot which is normal as I overpronate.

When I rolled out of bed the next morning, I could hardly walk on it. Let me tell you, that's NOT a good thing when you have a two year old who is going a little stir-crazy.

So tonight after a few days of letting it heal, I bit the bullet and googled for some information on shoes that help support plantar fasciitus (no spell check, I don't want to change this to fascists). Since it usually recurs and takes a long time to fully heal, I don't want to derail my efforts. So, my googling efforts led me to some great orthotics.

Orthotics.

That's just making me feel old.

Bahahaha.

xoxo

I'm awesome.

I may just be awesome. Check this out.

A few months ago, I mentioned my intention to make E a tent for his birthday. While wasting time channeling my creative desires on Pinterest one day, I came across a tutorial based upon the tent below.

I shopped for fabric, pulled out my sewing machine, and spent about a week of my free time and ended up with this...

He loves it! The best part is that he's in the stage where he thinks he disappears when he's inside the tent. We get a ton of belly laughs from hiding in there.

So while I'm definitely proud of my efforts and delighted that he loves it, I think the project moves into awesomeness category because tonight I saw this in the Land of Nod catalog...

I must admit, it's pretty darn adorable. If I didn't enjoy making things myself or didn't have the time, it would be perfect.

However, the best part of this discovery? Land of Nod tent $149. Mine $50.

I'm awesome!!!

xoxo

{If you feel so inclined you can access the tutorial for the tent by clicking here.}

Trying to take a Halloween picture.

This is how things roll at my house...

I am so not wearing that hat.

What were you thinking, mama?

I am pretty cute though.

Alright, alright, you can have one shot.

xoxo

Mirroring

My emotions during these FET cycles seem to be mirroring my first three rounds of IVF that we went through to get E.

Before IVF#1, I was so blissfully naive to believe that the statistics would be on our side and we'd be knocked up after one try. We didn't even want to spend the extra $10k for the money-back guarantee. Ha! When it failed, I was more surprised than upset. We quickly rolled in the next round.

Before FET#1, I was confident in the knowledge that the only time I had two 5-day embryos to transfer, one took. So knowing that I had two fabulous embryos, I was more worried about twins than that it might not work. Surprise! 

On IVF#2, I felt like the first cycle had just been a fluke. I earned my Dr. Google degree with all of the time I spent researching my hormone values. When none of my five eggs fertilized on the first day, I was gutted. Devastated. I remember physically hurting while we waited for more new. Even though two fertilized late, that cycle was the roller coaster that jumped the rails, leaving me flat.

Before FET#2, I thought something must have been off with the first cycle that couldn't possibly occur again. When the embryologist shared that one of the embryos was hatching, I kind of thought we had it in the bag. Today as I was driving to my appointment, I just hurt.  There's no way I would ever be in the depths of despair that I was before E, but it was harder to take than I ever thought.

For IVF#3 (with donor eggs), we took some time off to regroup and I entered it with a kind of "whatever be will be" attitude.  I knew it was the last treatment we would try, and I was okay with that. This last FET is shaping up the same way for us.

I just hope we find the success we did the first time.

xoxo

He has a point.

After my initial freak out over my hubby's suggestion, I came to realize he had a point.

As we've gone through fertility treatments and pregnancy, we have moved twice. When we moved from Louisiana to Missouri, we did an IVF cycle in between having our stuff picked up from our house in LA and delivery of our furniture in Missouri. My rock star hubby, unpacked the whole house by himself while I laid on the couch hoping that my disaster cycle worked. It didn't, but my next cycle did. That wonderful cycle had me knocked up and in my second trimester when we started our move to Alaska. Once again, my hubby was completely protective of us, so he did all of the supervision of the moving, carpet cleaning, and driving of our personal vehicle across to Seattle and up through Canada. The day we closed on our new Alaskan house, I went into labor and was in the hospital while my hubby unpacked and readied everything in the new house. Do you notice a theme here?

Moving is not easy. Even with the Army paying for movers to come and pack up our belongings, there is still a tremendous amount of work required to get everything organized. Besides this, we are going to be selling our house which means continuous house cleaning for several months. Throwing in the logistics of traveling with a toddler 3,487.6 miles...

what the hell am I thinking?

Doing this while I'm pregnant is possible, but I'm pretty sure that it would be much healthier for everyone for me to NOT be pregnant.

So, I'm going to wait.

Although it took me a few days to be 100% sure of the decision, I feel like the pressure is off. Physically, it will give my body time to clear out all of the drugs and feel healthy again. Emotionally, I will have a chance to regroup and try again when I'm not hurried or stressed.

Thanks for weighing in and lending your support.

xoxo