I have absolutely nothing to be depressed about because there are so many freaking good things in my life. But the fact of the matter is that I've been in the dumps. Can't write blogs without hating them. Can't say what I really want to. Don't really want to get out of bed.
In fact my bed calls to me the siren song of egyptian cotton and a soft sleep# setting of 35 which Sweetpea and I both go for. I want to go there pretty much 24-7 and with my feet slid under her for warmth and a book in my hand until I slip into oblivion. Because if I'm asleep I really don't have to think of much.
If I'm in oblivion I don't have to feel like a failure for not working more than I do, for not knowing when I should refuse a shipment because they turn my Nordictrack on end instead of laying it flat like instructed, for not going to exercise, for drinking my DietDrPepper with evil caffeine, for having endless cravings for mintchocolatechipicecreamwithasecondscoopofrockyroadfrombaskinrobins, for procrastinating my endless grading. . .
None of this should rationally be a reason for me to feel like I'm swimming in the failure bucket. The fact is that I'm approaching another situation where failure is reasonable and even probable. Thirty-seven percent of people in this situation at my clinic "are unsuccessful." Have you ever noticed that unsuccessful has a big FU in it? Yep, that's exactly what this would be.
While Fairyeggs might not be twenty-one, she's healthy, strong and fertile. She's had three children in the not too distant past. If I can't get knocked up with her eggs, then I have to wonder if it's more than just crappy eggs.
This has to be it. Just like fertility drugs and IVF cycles had to be it. This delusion of hope that I have is simply going to wreck me, again. I know this. I know this, and I still have hope inside of me.
I'd just rather go to bed than think about all of this.
xoxo
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I've been in that place too. I think escape can be healthy. It lets your emotions settle a little before you have to face them head on.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I heard about a study that linked full fat dairy products with higher fertility. No better time to enjoy some mint chocolate chip ice cream. Mmm...with some brownie chocolate chunk on the side?
pre-processing emotions is a sign of good emotional health. it's like polishing your tools, in case you need them. it would be nice if it made it hurt less though. full fat dairy, all the way!
ReplyDeleteDon't put the cart before the horse! Two-thirds of patients DO get pregnant at your clinic with these cycles, and that's pretty good. And the possibility of having embryos to freeze is there, so you have more potential chances to try again, or to have siblings without further IVF cycling. Imagine that! Of course this could go bust, but you know what? -- it just might work. I am forcing myself to slow down and take each incremental step at a time and try to enjoy the little successes along the way. It's not a failure until the BFN, and that can only happen at the end and you can choose how to react to all the places in between. You can do it!
ReplyDeletebe patient with yourself. this is not an easy world to live in. really, hope that this is the one for you.
ReplyDeleteOh Jen, Sorry your having a crappy day. Sending you a big fat hug. You've got as good a chance as anyone that this cycle WILL work out for you. Unfortunately its pretty normal to crack just before (during, and after) a cycle and this one is extra special because you have fairy eggs involved as well, so I can only but imagine that there is extra pressure buzzing around because of a 3rd person being involved. Just remember (like you said on my blog today) it takes courage to do what you're doing. And if staying in bed and avoiding the world for a while is what you need to do then i say DO IT! Snuggle up and remind yourself that you have a 63% chance of this working out perfectly. If a lottery was giving you such fabulous odds of winning a million dollars you'd buy a ticket in an instant wouldnt you? I'm thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteI get in these moods quite a bit too. I'd just rather sleep.
ReplyDeleteI'm really praying for you DE cycle.
IVF is a crazy rollercoaster. Know that there's a whole community of us out here hoping and praying for your success, ready to support you no matter what. Above all, you're not a failure! You're an amazing person dealing with a stressful, unfair situation. The fact that any of us get through it without ending up in the loony bin shows how strong we really are! And if you all you want is to curl up in bed, I say go for it!
ReplyDeleteUgh. I get it. I get it COMPLETELY and was in fact spent nearly 18 hours in the fetal position in bed last week (18 hours in a row, that is). But you will push through this time of fear and doubt and anxiety, because it will pass, and you will be stronger and more resilient for having worked through a lot of these emotions.
ReplyDeleteIncidentally, I find movies and reading fiction completely engrossing and it has allowed me to at least seem well-adjusted and not think about anything at the same time. I'm not sure 6 movies in a week screams "sure, I'm fine" but at least I'm out of bed...
Oh me too me too me too!!! Bed, book, warmth, sleep, no thinking....I'm so there! You put it all perfectly. Brings tears to my eyes to have my feelings mirrored back to me...(((HUGS)))
ReplyDeleteLove,
Maddy
P.S. THANK YOU for all of your support of late - your comments have been very comforting.
I have been madly in love with my bed lately too. I had one day where I just didn't want to get out of it and face what was beyond my bedroom.
ReplyDeleteI agree with others - sometimes we need to escape to our beds. But always know that I - that we - are out here for you.
I've been escaping in my bed too! :) Nothing makes me happier when I lay down to go to sleep and my sheets are cold...I then have to make a cocoon out of my blankets to keep warm. All my worries fade while I fall asleep. It is so peaceful sometimes.
ReplyDeletehugs/ its all I got but I mean it.. hugs.
ReplyDeleteHugs to you! ◦How lovely is the sun after rain, and how lovely is laughter after sorrow.~ Tunisian Proverb
ReplyDeleteOh man, what a place to be. I SO get the "impending failure" roller coaster just before a cycle. As much as you want to be chipper with the happiest vibes ever, it is hard to overcome all the racing thoughts of doom sometimes. I know how you feel, short of the donor situation. It plain sucks.
ReplyDeleteHang in there and dust yourself off as best you can--your fairy eggs are going to need you very soon!
I'm thinking of you and sending some positive vibes your way. Sometimes it's so tough to stay positive, but like others have said, you have a lot of people cheering for you. I'm definitely one of them! Big hugs to you!
ReplyDelete