Mother's Day Present

My sister actually has to have her own budget for baby things because she is just so darn excited! She's incredibly generous and giving and always sends or brings me things like a new makeup products or lotions, etc. Last month she sent me two sets of pregnancy wear from Old Navy so I could be comfy around the house. It is gigantic on me right now but eventually it will fit, I'm sure! Today came her second present and probably the only thing I knew I wanted in regards to baby gear. She says technically this is not a present for the baby but rather for me and also my hubby.

So without further ado, here is my awesome Harvey's Seatbelt Baby Bag in Earthcycle:

I am a big big fan of Harvey's Seatbelt Bags because they are virtually indestructible which is great since I tend to toss my bags around. You can't tell from my lovely photography skills, but it's a nice blend of blues and grays which is not too feminine. Unlike the reusable bridesmaid dress that you can shorten, it will be great after the baby too. 

xoxo

Ache of the Head (Are those voices too?)

Okay peeps, I need suggestions as I feel like I am about to go crazy with my head pounding, aching, and pain induced nausea. My doc gave me Fioricet but it didn't even touch my headache today. Nothing helps much as I've tried Tylenol, massages, hot showers, cold packs, and sleep. Suggestions on alternatives? Help.

xoxo

Wordless Wednesday

11 Weeks

13 Weeks

I bit the bullet...

This morning I went to my 13 week appointment and got to peek at little Caligula's backside. My little wiggle worm didn't want to flip over for us, but it was great to see the head, neck, body and umbilical cord jiving around. Joy of joys, my doc wants me to do the 24-hour urine test to establish a baseline since I have high blood pressure. Peeing in a jug...sweet.


Before I went to my appointment, I got an email from my mother with only a subject line message, "time to post of facebook girl!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Thank you mother for that subtle hint. lol. So, I bit the bullet a few minutes ago and just said it, "In honor of National Infertility Week, it makes me incredibly happy to share with you that after years of trying and hundreds of needles, I am in fact--pregnant! If everything goes well, Baby Cini will be arriving around Halloween! We couldn't be more terrified and excited all at the same time. :)" Hopefully that's not too obnoxious. 

So mother, now you can shout it to the rooftops...you're going to be a granny. :)

xoxo

Caligula

My sister has a fetish for baby names that started long before I started TTC.  Now instead of sending me lists and lists of names, she picks out her favorite name for the day and texts, emails, or calls me with the name. We started talking about Roman names since my husband has a love affair with history.

So the other day I decided that pumpkin is way too innocuous of a name for this little one inside of me that makes me want to hurl and gives me nightmare headaches. So, I affectionately named him Caligula (after a slightly off his rocker Roman Emperor). hee hee hee Believe me, I love my little Caligula. However as I near the conclusion of my fourth day of a constant excruciating headache, I would like my little Caligula to settle down these crazy hormones! I need some peace.

These are the things they don't share with you when they talk about glowing pregnant women! lol.

Hope all is well with you!

xoxo

Thankfully Ticked

Thankfully ticked pretty much describes how I feel this weekend. I am so ever grateful that I am still pregnant. My little plum still has a heartbeat and is still wiggling around inside of me. When I laid in my bed with tears streaming down my face, this was all I wanted. So, I'm thankful for this fact.

On the other hand, I am a little ticked too.

Today I hit twelve weeks which is the informal magical mark where normal fertile people feel comfortable telling everyone under the sun they are pregnant. Before Friday, I had planned to make a fun FB announcement to tell people beyond my inner circle. Obnoxious? Probably, but I feel like I have earned the right to be share my happiness. I thought I would throw something in there subtlety about IF to simply to make sure  that any hidden IFers out there didn't feel horrible. I digress.

Why does this make me ticked?

Part of me finally was settling into being pregnant and accepting that this might actually work. You know, like a normal person? However the bloody incident threw me right back into the world of uncertainty and superstition. For me the uncertainty makes me feel numb about the pregnancy. Knowing that I have to guard my heart tightly makes me shut off any of the happier emotions about the situation and puts me back in survival mode.

There's enough life in me left that this ticks me off! I hate that my infertility has robbed me of another happy moment and replaced it with fear. I'm holding off on making any announcements until I start feeling comfortable again.

So now I remain, thankful but ticked.

xoxo

Baby is Okay

The docs have no idea what made me bleed so profusely, however, the baby still has a heartbeat and was waving at us when they did the ultrasound. Big huge sigh of relief over here. My blood pressure was surprisingly low despite being anxious and having a headache + my usual white coat syndrome. Once we got in the room the nurse tried futilely to try to find the heartbeat with the doppler. Let me tell you that sucked. The doc came in with the ultrasound and thankfully announced that they could see the heartbeat. I had my eyes closed because I couldn't see the monitor anyway. We are all so relieved.

Thank you so much for your supportive comments. I was really freaking out inside. I read your comments as they popped up on my iphone and they got me through....thanks.

xoxo

Blood

Last night I was walking to our bedroom to go to sleep when I felt wet. I peek down under my pants and see that blood starting to run down my legs. Bright red blood. I cleaned up and laid down with a towel under me. Tears were running down my face as I desperately willed the bleeding to stop. This can't happen. My problem is not suppose to be carrying a child but the fact that I have crappy eggs. My husband said that it wasn't a ton of blood, but it was enough to turn the washcloth bright red.

I slept fitfully last night and woke up hours earlier than I normally do. Upon calling the OB clinic, they told me to go to the emergency room right now since I am just almost twelve weeks. I should be going right now but instead am writing this message. I don't want to wake my husband up and tell him that we need to go. I don't want to move.

Please please send me your good thoughts or prayers or whatever you believe in.

xoxo

Late post @ 10 week appointment

I realized I have been completely remiss in telling you about my ten week appointment. This was by far the coolest ultrasound ever as my little bambino was moving! Besides wiggling all around his little uterus playground, his arms were waving too! My breath would catch every time the nurse would release the freeze frame and go back to the live feed. It was the most unbelievable thing to witness this going on inside of me.

Another thing that amazed us was that our little one is no longer looking like a shrimp! There is actually an identifiable head, body, arms, and legs. It actually looked liked a baby. I have a huge fat grin about that.

The final part that was incredibly cool was simply hearing the heartbeat for the first time. The sound of the dub-dub was recorded by my industrious husband with his iphone. He did some quick maneuvering to get it to not interfere with the monitor and presto, we had something to share with my parents who arrived later that day. My mom and dad were incredibly cute hearing it and wanted it forwarded to them so they could listen to it at their leisure. My dad played it first thing when he woke up the next morning. How sweet is that?

Alas, I have no pictures to share as the ones they gave us were crap and incredibly dark. However, everything is moving along. With this visit, I officially was released from monitoring from the RE's office. This means no more shots, no more disgusting pills to insert or swallow...and, my husband and I are now clear for a little "coloring" although we are way too afraid to do so! 

xoxo

Silly

My husband thinks my worries about disclosure are kind of silly. It is what it is, right? He also said, "I didn't know that using donor eggs was a secret. I've told a ton of people!" I explained that it is not a secret at all! The only reason I haven't told some people is simply from being tired of talking about it. My husband admonished me that it is the perfect chance to educate people. :) He's such a good man, I really appreciate his openness and honesty about the process.

Fairyeggs called and we had a lovely discussion about subject. She worried a little bit that I was regretting going forward with the donor eggs. I can say with the utmost confidence, not at all. I simply want to have my view on disclosure worked out so that all involved feel good about the choice. Needless to say, she was incredibly supportive of being honest from the get-go. 

Loves to all. Hope you had a great weekend.

xoxo

What IF?

Project "What IF" has started over at Mel's Stirrup Queen site. Here is my "what if" down at comment 201:


What IF I had never been brave enough to face using donor eggs? What IF I had never had a friend like FairyEggs who loved me enough to give me her eggs?


There are literally so many "what if" questions you ask yourself while navigating the world of IF. These two questions are happy questions for me in a time where I've been asking myself some very tough questions. 


Feelings associated with the infertility process have not simply disappeared with my apparent success at getting knocked up.  For me, with using donor eggs, I'm finally working through some of the aspects of what to tell my child. While I won't be meeting my child for awhile, this came up when my sister mentioned scrapbooking some of the pictures of Fairyeggs and I out in California. It's a seemingly innocuous thing however it could have enormous implications in the future with identifying my donor. 


Most of you know that I have been extremely open about my struggles with infertility. When it would come up in conversation, I was simply straight forward with people. When it came to using donor eggs, we weren't quite so forthcoming and kind of just left it as another IVF try to most people except close friends and family. I'm not ashamed of using donor eggs, however, it seemed like just another thing to explain.


Fairyegg's privacy was also an issue initially. Would people look at my child askance when we were visiting together? Would people question if my child was really hers? Both of had lots of questions that we didn't have answers for when we first chose to move forward with egg donation. However, like anything in our friendship, we would just deal with it as it came as there was no way to foresee what might arise. Later in the process, Fairyeggs' started not really caring what people thought as she became more comfortable with the idea.


In my research on the topic of disclosing the fact that my child was conceived during egg donation, I have learned that like adopted children, if it's not a shock, then it's not really a big deal. When children find out about circumstances of their birth that differ from what is "normal," they often feel betrayed and disillusioned. However, if a child is told from the get go, it seems like it simply part of their story and not really that big of a deal. Knowing this, I have always planned to disclose this to my child, so I never had to hide it during pediatrician visits. 


What I didn't know though was whether or not I would tell them who the donor was. I figured that simply creating a profile sheet on Fairyeggs would be appropriate so my child would know their medical and cultural history. However I wonder with everyone who knows if eventually the information would be disclosed accidently. I certainly do not want this to happen! Similarly, I would never want my child to dream about a fantasy life with his or her genetic mother. Disclosing this early usually prevents this kind of situation which I would like to avoid. 


This of course brings up further questions with what kind of relationship my child has with Fairyeggs and how my child views Fairyegg's kids and family....do you see the tangle this creates? So, I brought this up on the Parents Via Egg Donation (PVED) website where I got some advice. The fact of the matter is that my child will take his or her cue from how my husband and I act. If we treat it like normal, then more than likely so will the child. Explaining that my eggs didn't work and I had someone who loved me so she gave me some of hers so I could have a baby, could be very matter of fact. Understanding his or her relationship with Auntie Fairyeggs could also be pretty normal.


I thought the hardest thing about being pregnant was going to be getting pregnant. However, the questions and feeling have obviously not stopped. I am forever grateful that I have the chance to make these decisions even if they are hard for me. I am thankful that I had the strength to let go of my genetics so I could have a family. Moreover, I am forever indebted to Fairyeggs for her gift and her friendship that allows me to have a choice about these issues. 


xoxo

Out Damn Spot

Yes, the spotting is now gone. I guess I cursed at it enough to make it go away. Thanks for all of your well wishes.

xoxo

Spotting

Ugh, more spotting started yesterday and then again today. The brownish spotting does not worry me, but the clots do. Hope all is well in there!

xoxo