Thankfully ticked pretty much describes how I feel this weekend. I am so ever grateful that I am still pregnant. My little plum still has a heartbeat and is still wiggling around inside of me. When I laid in my bed with tears streaming down my face, this was all I wanted. So, I'm thankful for this fact.
On the other hand, I am a little ticked too.
Today I hit twelve weeks which is the informal magical mark where normal fertile people feel comfortable telling everyone under the sun they are pregnant. Before Friday, I had planned to make a fun FB announcement to tell people beyond my inner circle. Obnoxious? Probably, but I feel like I have earned the right to be share my happiness. I thought I would throw something in there subtlety about IF to simply to make sure that any hidden IFers out there didn't feel horrible. I digress.
Why does this make me ticked?
Part of me finally was settling into being pregnant and accepting that this might actually work. You know, like a normal person? However the bloody incident threw me right back into the world of uncertainty and superstition. For me the uncertainty makes me feel numb about the pregnancy. Knowing that I have to guard my heart tightly makes me shut off any of the happier emotions about the situation and puts me back in survival mode.
There's enough life in me left that this ticks me off! I hate that my infertility has robbed me of another happy moment and replaced it with fear. I'm holding off on making any announcements until I start feeling comfortable again.
So now I remain, thankful but ticked.
xoxo
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I am so sorry I missed the news...and couldn't send prayers when you most needed them! But I am sending them now, and hoping that you can get through the next few days gingerly and find your excitement once again.
ReplyDeleteHugs!
Even though I haven't been through the scary episodes you have, I still know how you feel...because I am ~16 weeks and STILL feel like the other shoe could drop any day. Every OB visit requires holding my breath until the doppler or u/s proves all is well. I haven't made a fb announcement, even though it would make life easier to just tell everyone at once, because I still worry that I would have to email people one at a time to recant if anything went wrong. It's a horrible state of mind, but that's where IF takes you. I keep telling myself, OK, after the NEXT OB visit I will make it a public announcement....and then I wait until the NEXT one...(as of Tuesday I will have had 3 OB visits since 12 weeks). I'm thinking around 19 weeks (when we have our anatomy scan) I may go public. If I can't convince myself that all is well by then, I don't know what sanity I will have left.
ReplyDeleteBottom line, you made it to 12 weeks! -- that's the brightside. But IF will always leave you feeling nervous -- that's the downside. But, you made it! Hooray!
Thank goodness pumpkin is OK, so very glad to hear that. But you're nicely into your second tri and you'll be showing before you know it! I understand the dilemma of telling though. I will pray for no more scary episodes from here on out and that you'll feel good about announcing here in the next few weeks. Keep taking it easy :)
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry that I am just now catching up on blogs. I am so glad that things look good for you and the baby. Praying that you have no more scary episodes so that you can enjoy this pregnancy <3
ReplyDeleteWhat a rollercoaster!!!!!! So so so thankful your little bean is still cookin' away in there...
ReplyDeleteHoping the rest of your pregnancy is blissfully uneventful so you can share with the world!!!!!!!!!!
im sorry that bleeding ruined your plans...that sucks!
ReplyDeletei had a hematoma and bled a lot around weeks 11-12. it was very scary and such an uncertain time, despite everyone telling me all was well. im hoping it all clears up for you and DOESN'T COME BACK!
I think you have every right to feel ticked. This post is lovely Jen, you wrote it so well and I really hope that you get to make your obnoxious announcemet really soon. You deserve nothing less. Give baby plum a belly pat from me. x
ReplyDeleteI hate that you feel this way! I hope this fear goes away soon so you can relish in the pregnancy bliss!
ReplyDeletefear is so unfair isn't it? i hate to say that mine has not resolved completely. it has just evolved into other fears. i'm currently terrified of prematurity and whether or not i've damaged their brains in some way with my thoughts or actions. then i'll be afraid of things that can go wrong during delivery, infancy, toddlerhood, adolescence, young adulthood. it sucks. i think this is part of parenting. infertility makes it worse. i have allowed myself to bond with the babies, but i know some do not out of sheer terror. i feel it is totally unfair that i had to go through IF and still have to face the uncertainties of pregnancy. blech!
ReplyDeleteI so know how you feel. I was finally getting a bit comfy in the pregnancy (like not panicking 24/7) and as soon as announcement time came, I freaked. I refused to let DH call his siblings before we rushed to the mall for an ultrasound to make sure everything was still okay. When we started telling everybody about 12 weeks, I hated it. I felt so weird and awkward and nervous. I didn't like spreading the news. Hate to break it to you, but I never got comfortable with it before it happened. It took a couple weeks of shyly admitting when people asked (usually because DH had told them or someone else had shared the news) to settle into the idea.
ReplyDeleteGood luck with it though!
This may not make you feel any better, but I did not have a "magic moment" when I hit the 12-week mark either, even without the bleeding drama. I decided to tell my work place (where I've been for years, and is full of amazingly supportive friends), but when my husband mentioned the pregnancy to a casual neighbour, I was horrified. I think you should wait as long as you need to make any big announcements, but know too, that the chances of everything being alright are overwhelmingly in your favour.
ReplyDeleteI just found your blog today. Oh my gosh how SCARY! I'm so glad to hear that the baby is okay. I am with you on feeling like something about pregnancy has been taken from you. When I first started TTC I was thinking about what kind of cheeky pregnancy announcement I could make on FB, and now I don't plan to make one at all.
ReplyDeleteI hope the rest of your pregnancy is uneventful!
Oh Jen I am so glad pumpkin is in there and still kicking. It sucks that what seems to be such simple and easy moments for others, we are robbed of due to our fears, our worries, and all because we know the worst of it. Ah, to be in that land of naive thoughts and worries. I'll never be there again. It is the same with our adoption process. The first time I told everyone we were matched it went bust. This time around we waited some, but because we thought the baby was coming in 3 weeks we had to tell. Now the baby is coming 3 months later (long story), but it is so hard to explain to people and to keep telling people. I don't know what to say. I hate being in that boat and I think when you feel comfortable then do it, and if you don't ever feel comfortable then don't.
ReplyDeleteI just caught up on your blog and I'm so happy that the baby is doing well. It seems like once you have suffered from IF you can NEVER escape the fear that goes with it even when you finally get pregnant. It always feels like someone is waiting to pull the rug out from underneath you. I hope you feel comfortable enough to make that wonderful FB announcement soon.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comment. I am sorry that you had a rough couple of days. Hopefully things are continuing to go well. I totally agree with your last post. It isn't fair that IF has robbed us of the complete joy of pregnancy. Hopefully we can relax as we move into the 2nd trimester.
ReplyDeleteUgh. I so understand and agree with you. IF robs us of everything! All of the normal milestones for other people, don't feel normal or safe for us. I'm almost 27 weeks and still don't believe this is happening, nor do I feel that everything is okay.
ReplyDelete((HUGE HUGS))