Thankfully ticked pretty much describes how I feel this weekend. I am so ever grateful that I am still pregnant. My little plum still has a heartbeat and is still wiggling around inside of me. When I laid in my bed with tears streaming down my face, this was all I wanted. So, I'm thankful for this fact.
On the other hand, I am a little ticked too.
Today I hit twelve weeks which is the informal magical mark where normal fertile people feel comfortable telling everyone under the sun they are pregnant. Before Friday, I had planned to make a fun FB announcement to tell people beyond my inner circle. Obnoxious? Probably, but I feel like I have earned the right to be share my happiness. I thought I would throw something in there subtlety about IF to simply to make sure that any hidden IFers out there didn't feel horrible. I digress.
Why does this make me ticked?
Part of me finally was settling into being pregnant and accepting that this might actually work. You know, like a normal person? However the bloody incident threw me right back into the world of uncertainty and superstition. For me the uncertainty makes me feel numb about the pregnancy. Knowing that I have to guard my heart tightly makes me shut off any of the happier emotions about the situation and puts me back in survival mode.
There's enough life in me left that this ticks me off! I hate that my infertility has robbed me of another happy moment and replaced it with fear. I'm holding off on making any announcements until I start feeling comfortable again.
So now I remain, thankful but ticked.