Another year...

I thought about this blog all day long. When it comes down to it, I don't feel very reflective though. 


It's been a big bag of nuts for me filled with those huge nasty ones that no one wants to eat and a few, a very few, chocolate covered macadamia ones. Most of me wants to give 2009 a big finger followed with a wedgie and a kick in the ass. But when it comes down to it, I have hope for 2010. So I don't really give a rats ass about 2009 anymore. 


This is what counts:


*My husband returned to me safely from his third deployment. 
*Fairyeggs has opened my eyes to a whole new window of selflessness and friendship in giving me her oocytes.
*Dr. Leprechaun is giving me a pro bono cycle which relieves the huge financial weight.



Those are some pretty damn good things.


Tonight as I sit with my champagne, husband and dog in my warm house, I know that I am okay. I can not claim to know what is intended for us, but I know that hope is not dead inside of me. 


Bring it on 20-10.


Happy New Year blogosphere!


xoxo

Hockey baby.

If a girl could get knocked up by simply being around loads of testosterone laden men, I would be.

Last night I went to my very first professional hockey game in St. Louis where the Predators kicked the Blues behind. And that picture to the left, that's from our seats right on the glass in the front row. Yeah. While I wouldn't want to sit there for every game, holy batman baby, I got a good view of all of the players. I loved seeing everything that you don't see on TV--the speed, the line changes, the jolt that runs through the crowd when someone knocks the crap out of the opponent, and the guy with the missing tooth. Loved it all!

While I could have cared less about either team, it was fun to be around people who were completely nuts about their team. Infertility has suuuuuuucked any of this type of fun and carelessness out of me. So to have a little spark of energy shamelessly and vicariously taken through jeers and cheers, yeah, I'll take it.

xoxo

Yeah....

Late yesterday AF came to visit. Finally. Oh, the joy!

I emailed the doc to let him know. I didn't expect a reply on the weekend, but he sent me one via his iphone.

He said to go ahead and start taking my BCPs.

Yeah...

He didn't tell me to get a prescription from my regular doctor, and he didn't give me a prescription before this message...

Being an IF vet, I know this will not throw the whole process off or anything. Yet at the same time, it makes me a little irritable because jumping through hoops at the last minute just makes me anxious. Erg.

Grump grump

xoxo

The going ons...

Sigh, I love winter break! Hubby and I slept in late again this morning and eventually got up to laze about. After a few hours, hubby got to work on a take-home midterm and I finished a book, did some laundry and watched a few reruns of NCIS. 

I haven't been writing much about infertility lately simply because there hasn't been much going on. FairyEggs is enjoying her holidays with her family and gulping down birth control. The BC pills play with her tear ducts fairly strongly, so I'm not looking forward to putting her through Lupron, Follistim, and Menopur! There's nothing like torturing a friend! 

As polite and professional as the new LA clinic is, I am missing my favorite staff from my clinic in Louisiana. It was comforting knowing who to talk to and the procedures of the clinic besides the fact that I just loved them personally. Part of my discomfort simply comes from having to find the new office in a big city, which was surprisingly easy considering I took four freeways with nascar like driving to get there. The financial aspect is also a little awkward because I'm not really sure what I have to pay for or don't. I'm just a creature of comfort and the new environment takes a little getting use to. Regardless of my nervousness bubbling inside, hubby successfully completed his donations. As one of my favorite readers said, that's half of my future kid in that cup! 

Now we're impatiently waiting for AF to arrive so that we can get our schedule laid out for the cycle. I'm excited about finding out when everything is going down. We have lots of arrangements to make once we get a tentative calendar so, comm'on AF! Even though I'm five days past my expected date, my periods are wonky so it's nothing new. I tested just to make sure and of course had a momentary wave in my heart when I saw the single line. Nothing new there! 

So FairyEggs is gulping down BCPs, hubby's donations are done, and I'm waiting for AF. Just another day in the land of IF for us! Now I'm off to go all Simon on some term papers...love and hugs to everybody!

xoxo

Merry Christmas!

This morning I woke up in my bed, reveled in its snuggly warmth and went back to sleep. Hubby came in a little while later to get me up to show me the white coat of snow on the yard. While it has snowed a little here, it hasn't really stuck until today. So, Sweetpea got her first experience with snow which she loooooved! She bounded through the snow with glee which is the perfect essence of a Christmas morning.

This morning seemed all the more perfect in contrast to our trip home from California. It started off with a delay of our flight, standby for another, getting seats on that plane, but then being pulled off after we had settled and even buckled our seat belts! By the time we finally made it to Minneapolis, we found that our connecting plane also delayed and still there! After booking it through the airport, we slammed against the window where we could see an open door to the plane but alas there were no attendants to let us in! We stood watching it taxi through the snow, standing there, the picture of dejectedness. Thankfully the airline gave us a hotel, where we showered and napped until it was time again to try to get home. My main worry was getting home before the kennel closed since it was the last day of our reservation and I imagined my dog turned out onto the streets (ha, a little dramatic right?). The next morning our plane was delayed two hours followed with another two hour drive home. We pulled up to the kennel only to have the employee on a smoke break tell us that they were closed early since it was xmas eve. Umm, no. Seriously, you gave me the wrong time on my phone message? I can prove it suckers! Thankfully, they chose not to mess with us before I broke out my kung-fu on them to rescue Sweetpea from their clutches.

So today is all the more sweet since we are safely tucked away in our warm house with our dear girl. Our only plans today are to venture out to see the new Sherlock Holmes movie which I am waaaaaaaay excited about! We've already opened our simple presents this year....all of which are usable by both of us along the themes of cooking and home protection along with a few movies and books.

Whatever you are up to today, Christmas celebrator or not, I hope that you have a good day filled with the warmth of being surrounded by those you love.

xoxo

Darn good day...

What defines a pretty darn good day in my life? Being able to kiss my husband and hug my parents is it.

Usually when I'm in California visiting the family and friends, my hubby is off in the sandbox, training, in command, or endless number of other Army related reasons. Although I'd rather have him with me rather than not, I get it. Since the beginning, we've been fairly independent even in our relationship together because lived in separate cities for several years. But as much as this is true, it's simply fun to have him here with me to go see my friends and hang out with the family and built the memories with these people.

My family is incredibly close to my heart. There is something fantastic about appreciating my parents as people. I enjoy spending time with them. Having parents like this is special, and I feel truly lucky to have them. My sister is the other addition to this fun, as she is one of my best friends. After living with each other for most of our lives and then living together for five years as adults....you get the picture! They make it easy to understand love.

So being able to roll over and kiss my hubby in the morning then run downstairs and give the folks a squeeze....pretty darn good in my book!

And for the reason why we are in California, hubby gets to visit the doctor for some collection of the sperm goo. Whoo! With him being tied up in school by the time we do our DE-IVF, this goo will be going to our future embies. Hope these spermies are champs!

One of the best things today was the reality that Dr. Leprechaun is doing our cycle pro bono. When we went to check out, it was "You're all set. Have a nice day!"  The generosity astounded me in theory, but now it's actually happening. This is our silver lining on our IF cloud.

I feel like a lucky girl. In the midst of everything we face, I am glad that we have days like today.

Stick a Needle in It

No, I'm not so much into funky piercings. I'm digging the auricular acupuncture!

Infertility Stimulus

My solution to the economy.

Instead of the $54 million dollars going to the Wine Train in California (I have no idea what that is, but is sounds yummy, but kind of silly) for the economic stimulus, I propose giving infertile families money to pay for IVF SET transfers (as to not run up health care bills) so that we will can have children.

Then because we are the neurotic ones who are just waiting to spend on our money at various cute kiddie extravaganza stores ranging from industries from food to furniture, we will single handedly stimulate the economy.

Really, it could work. :)

xoxo

No canned tomatoes?

A friend just posted this article on FB, "The seven foods the experts won't eat." Seriously? The first item, canned tomatoes is avoided by an endocrinologist because "Studies show that the BPA in most people's body exceeds the amount that suppresses sperm production or causes chromosomal damage to the eggs of animals." Microwave popcorn is on the list too. What's sad is that I live 2.5 hours from the nearest Trad.erJoes or Whole Paycheck and the local Wally World and Commissary (the grocery store on base) have the tiniest organic section ever. Sigh. I guess I'll definitely have to move to Alaska and grow my own veggies! 


xoxo

Beet this!

Beet this! Tonight we boiled the beet. This is the beet that I picked up because my hubby was waxing nostalgic about the garden they had when he was growing up. So, I was thinking I should plant a garden at our next home. My hubby laughed at me. Why, you ask? Because imagining a garden in Alaska isn't the first thing you do. But they do have a great summer season with lots of light!

Beat this! FairyEgg's tests came back all clear and her period started. This means that we will be getting a calendar very very soon! Yay! Tomorrow I visit a lawyer to review our contract.  It's getting closer!

xoxo

discussion

My hubby and I had quite a discussion the other night. We don't scream and yell or throw tantrums. We don't discuss in a monotone voices either. Instead, my hubby pops out his Italian loud voice, his sarcasm, and his unshakable sense of confidence in his logic and self. I bring tears, an understanding of the emotional side of life, and a huge deep well of sensitivity. What comes out is usually a pretty productive discussion that finds some type of resolution or compromise.

One pervasive element of our discussions has been my lack of productivity lately. With the latest move, a complicated donor egg cycle coming up, and then another imminent move, I haven't really found a place for myself here. Without a defined or heftier work schedule, I tend to sleep late, read, poke around on my computer and go to acupuncture. Sometime during the day or week, I fit in my work on my two online courses, walk the dog, empty the dishwasher, clean the house, cook dinner and occasionally exercise. Most of the stuff that's not fun, I like to procrastinate on. After all, why not? All in all, I'm pretty damn happy doing so.

In contrast, my hubby wakes up at 4:15ish, goes to PT (physical training), comes home, showers, coffee, then attends training class from about 7:30 until about 4:30. Then on Monday and Tuesday nights he attends classes for his masters for an about two hours. When he's at home, he spends a lot of time reading his chapters for class, working on weekly assignments, and then preparing for his larger presentations and papers. Unlike most people, he reads all of the assigned chapter of the textbook each week, no skimming for my hubby! Surprisingly, he also starts his paper waaaaaaaay early by reading books on his topics, outlining, finding quotations (and writing them on paper?!?!), drafting, editing, revising....the whole shebang people! He really detests doing the work, but it eats at him if he doesn't.

At the same time that I am happily piddling around, I feel guilty. I feel guilty that I'm not utilizing my education and pulling in a bigger paycheck. I feel guilty that I'm not at the gym working off my infertility fat and deployment fat for a couple of hours a day. I feel guilty that I'm not all that interested in engaging with life around me.

There's such a big part of me that is not what I use to be. I use to love being active and doing things. I use to live in foreign countries. I use to have pep in my clothes and attitude! What's happened to me? Because now, the thought of doing those things sounds fun, but it just seems like a hassle.

I'd love to blame this all on infertility or depression. That would certainly be easier than changing. Because the reality is that there is always something that makes me not feel like getting up and going, one year it's being too busy with my master's program while another I'm too busy dealing with work, too busy jumping on a plane to visit my boy, too anxious about waiting to get married, too sad from endless deployments, too much going on with infertility. . .

Life is passing me by in this blur, and I'm not quite sure how to jump on and be part of the action instead of watching it in black and white.

My life has plenty of great moments and hours with my hubby, my family, my friends and darling Sweetpea. But I can't be with them all the time. When I'm not, I'm just kind of floating.

My hubby sees this. He comments on it. I can see his frustration about it on his face. He loves me and wants better for me. The problem with our discussion about this is that there really is not a resolution. We talked and resolved the other aspects of the discussion, but I think this lay at the heart of the matter. He obviously can't solve this for me.

Obviously, I'm thinking way too much. But hey, that's whatza percolating right now.

xoxo