Full of It!

Hope. It's definitely not something that I have allowed myself to have over the past twelve months. My life-long ups and downs with depression has been under control over the last couple of years with a pretty firm commitment for seeking help when things start to wobble. Wobbling could have come pretty easy with taking care of my mother-in-law until she passed last year, having my husband deployed again, or just the navigation of the infertility maze. Although there have been plenty of both good and bad days, I have actually just been taking one day at a time. I get way too overwhelmed when I look at the twelve months he's gone or try to figure out where I'll be in eight months with all of the moves the Army has for us. Taking it one day at a time has helped me to let go of a lot of the crap I hold onto. Finally today, I am allowing myself to feel relaxed and full of hope for the future. That's a pretty amazing feeling since I am sticking myself with no less than three needles a night!

What brought this on was kind of a combination of things:

1) Seeing the baby at the RE's office yesterday kind of showed me that IVF does work! Although they don't talk about other people's experiences, one of the nurses let it slip that it was their fifth IVF try. Fifth try? That means about $70,000 worth of trying to have a child. You would think that would be disappointing, but it's not. It was beautiful (and I don't like being sappy).

2) My husband is finishing his third twelve month deployment in the last five 1/2 years. Yes, that is 36 total months away from me. What's funny is that this separation has really made us have a strong marriage because we have to communicate and put each other first. My entire experience with IUIs and cancelled IUIs and now IVF has been while he is gone. Yes, frozen sperm works! He's a big-strapping-army guy who has simply taken everything about the process in stride. I tell him what I need and he's made it work even when thousands of miles away from me. I am lucky to have such a rock in my life, and I'm soooooo excited that it will only be another two weeks until I have him home for good! We are at the finish line!

3) Letting go - the other part about the couple who had a child on their 5th IVF is that on the last one, the wife just let go. Case in point...thinking about my E2 (estrogen) level is not going to help it go up! So, I'm letting it go! I just can't change any of this.

What all these things add up to right now is that I'm grateful to have some peace. I'm full of the hope of the future. I have a fantastic husband who is coming home to me. I have eggs developing for a possible IVF in the next few days. And if it doesn't work, I have the hope that one way or another, V and I will be able to have a child and still be happy for those who already have them.

So today, I'm full of it.

Beignets at Cafe du Monde

Stims Day 9

Today my sister and I checked out of our hotel and left New Orleans (goodbye beignets!) and left for my appointment in Lafayette. We had a wonderful time walking through the French Quarter and riding the St. Charles Streetcar all the way down through the Garden District and back. Although the humidity was the worst I have ever felt in the three years, I've lived in Louisiana, I survived walking the distance fluffy stomach and all. Part of the problem was that my abnormally fluffy stomach seemed to have stretched a pair of pants that fit me just a few weeks ago. So, my comfortable go-to A.T. Loft pants were now pulling across the pockets. That it is a particular pet peeve of mine that I learned from my mother (yes mom, I did listen!). So, lesson #1 avoid having tight pants in humid weather during IVF. By the way, the pants were tight before the tasty beignets at Cafe du Monde!

Lesson #2 - If by chance, I do managed to get knocked up by this IVF cycle, I have learned not to go back to the RE doctor's office during and IVF monitoring cycle time with my little munchkin! Crazy ladies live in the waiting rooms. A couple brought their baby by to show Dr. S and the staff today while I was waiting to talk to the nurse. Thankfully, I am not crazy, but rather happy to see that it worked for someone else! The incredibly sweet woman who does the U/S explained that it can be really touchy for some ladies. She's always trying to keep the peace. Love it!

So, "how did it go?" you ask. Well lefty was sporting an 11, 13, 13, 13, 13, and a 14 mm eggs with righty laying the smack down with a 13, 13, 14, 14, 16, and 16 mm eggs. My estrogen was at a sad little 400 today. Seriously, big E, we're suppose to be at 1000 right now! The good news is that I showed an increase with the jump in medication over the past two days. The nurse said that typically the estrogen is about 200 for every 16 mm that you have, which would put me right on. However, lets hope for a big increase over the next two days. They're pushing me to at least eleven days on the stim cycle with twelve being the absolute max. We'll see how I do!

Think of me!

Hmm.

I was pretty worried going into the u/s and labs today because of my low estrogen last time. It's improved but not great, so they're bumping up my medication to Follistim 450 iu, Menopur 2 vials, Lupron 5 ml.

The deets:

Left Ovary - 9 eggs between 7-11 mm

Right Ovary - 7 eggs between 9-13 mm...the ovary itself was pretty enlarged (eek)

Estrogen up to 226 (should be over 300 now)

Grow, grow, grow!

Pre-registered at the hospital. Fun, fun. Saw Dr. S walking in the hall.

Later on...8:34 pm. Hubby called earlier from overseas. He'll be home in 2.5 weeks which is wild! My sister and I kept driving after my appointment to New Orleans for a few days of fun in between appointments. Our hotel was suppose to be nice, but has ended up having airheaded service people who have been sucking up ever since we complained. Thank goodness my sister is the one who did the talking since I would have probably gone off in a hormonal rage! We walked down to the Riverwalk in the sweltering humidity so my sister could see the Mississippi River. We headed down N Peter's St. to Felipe's Mexican Taqueria. Can I say YUMYUM in my loudest indoor voice? I had the best flautas ever. Walking was perhaps not the most comfortable thing with my fluffy tummy tucked inside my jeans. I had no idea how puffy I would get from all of these injections! But, quite frankly, it is good for me to get out of my little town and have some low key time in the city.

Estrogen ladies...

I'm getting excited to go back tomorrow to see if the eggies (really follicles) are growing and to more importantly see how my estrogen level is doing. So ladies, while we may at times rue the hormones running through our bodies, let's hope my estrogen numbers are ramping up!

In the meantime, I'm taking the dogs to the kennel so we can avoid some of these crazy five hour trips. We'll be New Orleans bound if we end up with a day in between appointments. We'll see! Keep your fingers crossed for good labs!

I want to cry...

I'm not against crying, but I don't typically cry at the drop of a hat either. In fact I haven't cried at all this year through all of the IUI treatments. But now, when my doctor told me my estrogen level doesn't get a gold star, I do feel a bit like crying. So, I'm now sitting at home on my couch with my dear, dear sister who does get a gold star for going with me on these 5 hour trips there and back.

The goal for day three of the stims is to be at a 100-300 level. I am at 63. So, he's bumping up my meds to 300 iu Follistim and 2 vials of Menepur. It's not even a big setback or anything. But dammit, I am an overachiever! Comm'on now!

My ultrasound showed sixteen follicles perfectly symmetrical with eight on the left and eight on the right. The left range from 8-12 mm and the right from 6-11 mm.

I go back Tuesday for a day six ultrasound and labs. We'll see how the eggies are doing then. For now, I think I'll go take a nap and pet my dogs.

fun pics!

Poking the belly....

My quickly filling sharps container...

My trusty follistim pen and baby aspirin...

Menopur shots!

My head hurts

One of the lovely side effects of Lupron (leuprelide) are headaches. Aw, a headache...that won't be so bad! But thanks to my lovely hormonal body, I get massive headaches that feel like migraines with light sensitivity. It wouldn't be so bad if I could just crawl into bed and sleep. But one of my very best friends is here, away from her three kids, visiting ME in Louisiana! Nobody comes to visit me except my family, so I want to have fun!

Yesterday, we went to Nachitoches, which is the cute little town where "Steel Magnolias" was filmed. It's a college town with a historic area on the Cane River with little shops and restaurants to poke into. I ate an interesting fried green tomato BLT and got to taste my friend's side of dirty rice (yum, yum) at The Landing. I was having a nice time until I suddenly had the nausea-inducing-stab-of-pain that hit my head. I felt like my head had been taken over by a painful fog of a headache after that. I still managed to keep going until we got home later that night, and I literally just passed out on my bed. Relief.

What was even more amusing was that DH called from overseas and had to tell me "you might be talking in your head, but I'm not hearing anything." LOL. Poor guy. I remember that I managed to become coherent, but I have no idea what we talked about. Only three more weeks until he is home. In fact, he'll be here when we find out if the IVF is successful or not. Way to show up for the finale! Ha ha!

So here I am the next day, shoveling down another Tylenol and drinking a Diet Dr. Pepper which are all 'approved' by the doctor to try to combat my headaches. My two guests are still asleep. Sweetpea is laying at my feet. Pepper is chasing her tail.

We have another fun day planned for my sister's birthday, so, #1 grow eggies grow and #2 go far, far away my blasted headache.

drugs, drugs, drugs

Yesterday was another trip to Lafayette for my ultrasound and blood work. Part of the fun of being married to the military is that the duty stations can be far from a specialist. Yes, this means I have to drive about 2.5 hours each way to go to every single doctor's appointment. Seriously. Driving five hours for a doctor's appointment kind of takes up your whole day! The bonus yesterday is that I had my super-friend and sister with me for support and to alleviate the tedium of driving through the trees and passing the "Bubba Oustalet" or "Adult Superstore" signs. Sigh. Louisiana is funny this way.

I had started getting cranked up about the appointment because I've actually started worrying about the process. That wasn't even on my radar before I started reading everybody else's blogs and seeing how many things can simply cancel the IVF cycle. If this cycle gets cancelled, I'll have to start over with a new RE somewhere else when we move. I need to let my worries go though otherwise, I know the IVF won't work because of the STRESS on my body. Stress = suppressed fertility aka nature's response to danger around a potential mom. Relax, girl!

The appointment itself was absolutely no problem. My US was clear of cysts and labs fine. I don't really get the numbers for the hormones, so I'm going to start tracking them to see where they are so I can ask about where they should be. The great news was that I was able to start my stimulation meds which means: Follistim 200 iu; Menepur 1 amp. I also am keeping up with the Lupron at a reduced 5 ml + and added 81 mg dose Aspirin. I didn't know what the aspirin was for, but apparently they 'think' it increased the blood flow for the blood vessels which aids in the implantation. I was excited to go to Target and buy my little 36 orange flavored pills for a whopping $1.07. I think that is definitely the cheapest med!

This continues until Saturday when I go back for what looks like the marathon run of appointments. Eek! Keep your fingers crossed that my eggs are super-charged!

SS

Yes, I'm a little SS tonight (scared s%*tless). What if this doesn't work. What if we dump 8K in for absolutely nothing? What are we thinking? AHHH!

The fun has started!

Yes, I woke up at 5 am this morning for no reason. Perhaps it was the two large snoring dogs next to me! Took off at 8 am for my appointment at 10:30. When we hit Lafayette, there was a black angry cloud waiting to erupt, which it did ten minutes later right when we needed to get out to go into the office! Had my blood work and ultrasound which was clear. Yippee! Signed all of the paperwork for the care of my future little eggos! Grabbed some great Mexican food and did a little shopping.

Then the fun started! I put together my sharps container in preparation for the thousand needles that are eventually going to pierce my belly, leg?, butt? Well, I say definitely the first. :) Just the Lueprolide 10 mcg and BCP right now until next week! I had no problem pricking myself with the needle as it is tiny. However, my preview of the larger needles is a little scary! Where is DH when you need him? LOL

The aftermath...

Friday was surgery day where my polyp was removed. We started with a medication to soften my cervix which woke me up at 3 am the night before with severe cramps. I thought something was wrong until I bothered to read something about an alternative use for the medication which explained it! Dragged myself cramping and dying of thirst down to Lafayette to check in for the surgery. I had to wait about an hour and a half until they were ready for me. It went pretty fast after that...IV, little anesthesia, and next thing you know I'm waking up in the recovery room. Everything went well, although it was larger than Dr. S thought it was. Hmm. I saw a picture of it which showed a round pink thing. Very informative, I know.

My sister has been taking care of me since then, and I have been bleeding some. Resting is never fun unless you are playing hooky from what you are really suppose to do! My follow up is tomorrow and hopefully everything will check out fine! It is also the day to start Lupron! Injectables! Needles! Yippee!

Now it's getting fun...really

Yesterday I went down for a hysterosonigram which looks for abnormalities within the uterus. It is an ultrasound with a small saline injection which is quite easy on the patient. The bad news was that there is a three centimeter polyp right around the area where they normally insert the eggs. If I wasn't having in-vitro, it wouldn't be a problem. However, since it is near the area where they insert the eggs and also larger than the normal one centimeter, it must be removed! Quick and speedy as always, we'll be doing the procedure on Friday. However it requires anesthesia and someone to drive me to and from as well. Thankfully my sister will be able to come down a day early to help me out. So I went over and pre-registered with the hospital for the surgery.

What was so fun about the whole day was that DH called from overseas and was upset that the doctor's office wanted him to get some papers notarized. Since he was just in their office a few weeks ago, he didn't understand why they didn't have him fill out the in-vitro paperwork before. He called and was completely ticked off about the whole situation. I got extremely ticked off because honestly I have had to deal with all of this on my own. Getting some paperwork notarized, although annoying, was pretty much a small piece of the puzzle for me. Of course, for him, it's a huge PITA moment when you consider all of the other work he has to do. I rarely get mad, but this had me mad and crying. Of course we talked it out and all is fine, but I was emotionally drained at that point. What sucks for him is that when he called, he had no idea about everything. So he walks into the situation blind. I swear, that even when I am upset, that man is the best thing in my life.

All in all, it was just one of those days. This is something that we have to deal with in the process with him being far away and the crappy emotions that go with the situation.

Friend's Prenancy

Yesterday I got a call from a friend who asked me how the process is going. When I replied, that everything is good, she told me that she hopes it works so that our kids can be about the same age.... Yes, that means SHE IS PREGNANT! Woohoo!

I am incredibly excited for her because she's just a flat-out good friend. I think she'll be a great mom because she doesn't take any crap, has lots of energy, and is fun! Her future kiddo is very lucky to have her.

One of things I appreciate about her most is that she lets me know that she is still thinking about me even though she has this great news. It's hard for my friends who know what I'm going through when they want to tell me things like this or complain about their kids, etc. But the fact of the matter is that, this is the hand that has been dealt to us. I don't regret it. I'm not angry (most days....lol). And I think what makes me feel like this is the fact that I will not break if I can not have kids.

I am just really happy for them. Whoohoo!

Oh the medications...

My first in-vitro appointment went well. I actually got the schedule of medications for the next six weeks which is crazy! It tells me everyday what I have to do from birth-control (that's ironic, right?) to the actual D-day in August. They went through the payments too, so I don't have to slap it all down at once. I pretty much will be going every week for monitoring and then moving on to every day for a week or so....:) Yay!