Friday, July 31, 2009

Full of It!

Hope. It's definitely not something that I have allowed myself to have over the past twelve months. My life-long ups and downs with depression has been under control over the last couple of years with a pretty firm commitment for seeking help when things start to wobble. Wobbling could have come pretty easy with taking care of my mother-in-law until she passed last year, having my husband deployed again, or just the navigation of the infertility maze. Although there have been plenty of both good and bad days, I have actually just been taking one day at a time. I get way too overwhelmed when I look at the twelve months he's gone or try to figure out where I'll be in eight months with all of the moves the Army has for us. Taking it one day at a time has helped me to let go of a lot of the crap I hold onto. Finally today, I am allowing myself to feel relaxed and full of hope for the future. That's a pretty amazing feeling since I am sticking myself with no less than three needles a night!

What brought this on was kind of a combination of things:

1) Seeing the baby at the RE's office yesterday kind of showed me that IVF does work! Although they don't talk about other people's experiences, one of the nurses let it slip that it was their fifth IVF try. Fifth try? That means about $70,000 worth of trying to have a child. You would think that would be disappointing, but it's not. It was beautiful (and I don't like being sappy).

2) My husband is finishing his third twelve month deployment in the last five 1/2 years. Yes, that is 36 total months away from me. What's funny is that this separation has really made us have a strong marriage because we have to communicate and put each other first. My entire experience with IUIs and cancelled IUIs and now IVF has been while he is gone. Yes, frozen sperm works! He's a big-strapping-army guy who has simply taken everything about the process in stride. I tell him what I need and he's made it work even when thousands of miles away from me. I am lucky to have such a rock in my life, and I'm soooooo excited that it will only be another two weeks until I have him home for good! We are at the finish line!

3) Letting go - the other part about the couple who had a child on their 5th IVF is that on the last one, the wife just let go. Case in point...thinking about my E2 (estrogen) level is not going to help it go up! So, I'm letting it go! I just can't change any of this.

What all these things add up to right now is that I'm grateful to have some peace. I'm full of the hope of the future. I have a fantastic husband who is coming home to me. I have eggs developing for a possible IVF in the next few days. And if it doesn't work, I have the hope that one way or another, V and I will be able to have a child and still be happy for those who already have them.

So today, I'm full of it.

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