Tonight I'm just a mess of tears.
Really it's not surprising that trying to figure out the logistics for having my cerclage done in two days sent me over the edge. Because in reality, there are a lot of things about this pregnancy that scare the crap out of me.
When I first found out I was possibly pregnant with twins, I had little expectation that the one empty sac would develop like the other sac in my uterus that had a small flicker of a heartbeat. Yet at eight weeks, both sacs showed healthy heartbeats with one measuring just two days behind the other which explained the empty sac during the first ultrasound.
The doctor did not congratulate me or smile like you would imagine. Instead he looked at me grimly and said, well this is going to be complicated. That comment pretty much set the tone for the onslaught of fear that ensued over the next three weeks. While I continued to be happy that I was pregnant, I feared the reality of carrying a twin pregnancy to term. And then, how the hell was I going to handle twins and a rowdy three year old? I wanted them, but I was very afraid. When you added in hurling and constant nausea, I was just a hot mess.
Things began to change for me once I talked to IVFlygirl. After all, she has two beautiful kiddos with the same genetics who were awesome babies and now toddlers. Along with my husband, she was the biggest influence on the calming of my fears on how I could handle adding twins to our family.
Between the regular OB and the perinatologists, I have had doctors appointments every other week of my pregnancy. Over this time I have had multiple discussions with both of them about having a cerclage placed. Because I am carrying twins, placing a preventative cerclage is different than a singleton. Essentially, the studies show that women with emergency cerclages in a multiple pregnancy fair worse than those without cerclages. The problem is that there is not data on cerclages with multiples which are preventative not emergent. After a lunch discussion between both doctors this week, they decided that they would offer me a cerclage. The perinatologist leans about 60/40 towards me getting a cerclage based upon my complicated past and current complex case. My husband and I decided to go ahead and proceed with a cerclage as this is what our gut has been telling us all along.
My OB called me on the way home and has already scheduled me for the procedure on Thursday. Of course, having a three year old and no family around makes it slightly complicated for me to arrange childcare on short notice. My husband can not simply take a day off to help because of the military school he is attending. So I called people and figured most everything out until I realized E's Christmas program is on Friday. It's a small event in his classroom however I imagine him standing there looking around since he will be the only one without parents present. That image made me burst into tears. I haven't really stopped crying since.
Obviously, it's not just the fifteen minute program. It's my fear that I won't be able to carry these twins safely.