On most days I dare not allow myself the luxury of indulging in it, but lately I've found myself unable to avoid it.
Earlier this summer when I had the chance to visit IVFlygirl, I found myself telling her of my plans of going back to work next year if I don't get pregnant. The moment the words left my mouth I felt mortified that even with her I couldn't let myself hope aloud.
I'm pretty sure that I immediately blurted out that, of course this was the plan only if our last transfer didn't work and that making plans was how I coped.
She generously took the remarks in stride, and we kept chatting.
But the truth is that, I want to have another child.
I want this with an incredible intensity.
Last week I was able to convince my doctor to allow me to have an endometrial scratch in the hopes of increasing my odds with our next FET . Although he doesn't include them in his typical cycle, I sent him an impassioned email explaining that I felt like we had to do something to change the protocol. Once he agreed, I had to jump through some hoops to get it done locally on the right day.
The moment I hung up the phone from getting my appointment scheduled, I felt this unfurling in my gut. It was hope rising in me.
Since that day, I've been trying to keep the hope tamped down.
Yeah, that's not working so well.
xxx
I'm hoping a bunch for you too.
ReplyDeleteHoping right along with you. Hope is such a cruel mistress....
ReplyDelete"We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope."
ReplyDelete~Martin Luther King, Jr.
For me, without hope, why bother getting up.
Keep on keeping on. Glad to have found you by way of your comment. Need to read back a bit to see how many donated embryos you have.
As a mother to a baby boy conceived through the gift of donated embryos, I am sending my mojo to you.
Interested to see your FET protocol.
I have hope for you too....Lots and Lots of hope!!!! I learned during our infertility journey that even when you try to guard your heart and not get excited....it doesn't change how you feel when you get the news (good or bad)....so I just decided to be positive and hopeful the whole time and keep the sadness to a minimum only when necessary. It worked. Hang in there....have hope....it is a great thing and the mind has an amazing affect on the body.
ReplyDeletekd