This morning about six I got a phone call from my nephew, the one who never calls me. I figured he either made a mistake in calling me or something was wrong. When I heard his voice, I knew it was the latter.
My brother-in-law's roommate came home to find him on the floor not breathing and without a pulse. He started chest compressions and by the time the paramedics arrived, he had a thready pulse going. They admitted him to the hospital, had to intubate him and found his kidneys in failure. After later scans today, they found no brain activity. As of our last update, they still have him hooked up the machines that are keeping him alive, but his kids plan to let him go off of them soon. He's forty-four
His brother had his kids really young, so by the time I became part of the family, they were teenagers. I'm closest to A, the middle child, who is enlisted in the Air Force. While I'm glad that all of his kids are over twenty-one, my heart breaks for them because that is still way too young to lose the parent who raised you.
I've only heard my husband cry three times: when his dad passed two weeks before he came home to visit from Korea, tears of relief when his mom passed after a painful decline, and today.
The hard part today for me is that I'm mad at him. When I first met my BIL, he pretty much had it all--good kids, a steady girlfriend, a fantastic job, a house, and all of the toys you can imagine. He drove me crazy many times with his even-louder-than-my-husband's voice and constant need to argue Italian style (aka about everything)! But generally, he was always up for fun, generous, and really supportive of my husband being with me. Then by the time his kids started getting out of the house, he went through a midlife crisis. In five years, he had pretty much lost everything. The choices that caused him to lose everything are the same that put him on the floor last night. Why didn't he take better care of himself?
Although I can deal with this, please send some good thoughts towards my husband's family as they try to work through this unexpected turn of events.
xoxo
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Thanks
Because I don't say it enough, thank you, thank you to all my bloggy friends and dear family for caring enough to send me thoughtful comments. It helps so much to have other people's perspective other than my own. Besides you save me thousands of dollars in therapy bills. Grin.
When I woke up this morning, I looked to start swimming sideways. As usual getting some sleep and distance helped, but I still felt pretty emotionally fragile. I worked through it, took the dog and the husband for a walk, and tackled some of my usual weekend grading.
I went ahead and ditched the New Years Greeting background since January is coming to a close. I visited all of my usual background getting spots looking for fairy backgrounds in celebration of my FairyEggs. Let me tell you that the fairy backgrounds? Yeah...they're a little creepy.
Thanks again from the bottom of my heart for the support and comments. Ya'll are the best. :)
xoxo
When I woke up this morning, I looked to start swimming sideways. As usual getting some sleep and distance helped, but I still felt pretty emotionally fragile. I worked through it, took the dog and the husband for a walk, and tackled some of my usual weekend grading.
I went ahead and ditched the New Years Greeting background since January is coming to a close. I visited all of my usual background getting spots looking for fairy backgrounds in celebration of my FairyEggs. Let me tell you that the fairy backgrounds? Yeah...they're a little creepy.
Thanks again from the bottom of my heart for the support and comments. Ya'll are the best. :)
xoxo
Friday, January 22, 2010
The other thing to deal with.
I admit it. I take anti-depressants. I don't skip doses. I don't go off of them. I take them every single day. And generally, I feel like a pretty average person too.
But tonight with a single phrase from my husband, I turned to the dark side of my depression.
Not too long ago, I felt like the bottom just dropped out on my emotions. I can usually feel a difference between chemical changes and stress induced episodes. This week I felt like crap from my dear auntie F beating my body into a pulp and obviously changing my hormone levels. So because I felt like that, I didn't go walking. This of course makes me feel worse. Hence with a single comment, I slid down the slippery slope tonight when I thought I was getting better.
I hate feeling like this. It's more than sad, it's feeling batty, cracked, crazed, looney, mental, screwy, and unbalanced.
In the blog world I stumbled across this incredibly thoughtful woman who in her journey has helped me view myself through my partner's eyes. While our situations are vastly different, I think it's helped me think about choices I make that effect my illness like not exercising. It is a choice. I am aware of my problem and know how to manage it. So if I don't do everything I need to do, it's a choice I make in managing my illness.
It's hard for me even to think of it as an illness. It's certainly not something that most people who look at me even know about because I function. As a teacher, I am appropriate and professional. I clean my house. I bathe. I chat. I make dinner. I have friends. But that is because I have the least severe type of depressive disorder known as dysthymia. It's the undercurrent of my life that can swell into a riptide that sucks you into the middle of the ocean.
Perhaps like escaping out of the riptide, I need to swim sideways. I need to change directions and keep the tide from sweeping me out.
Depression is kind of like infertility. It's not something you talk about. It's something people expect you to be able to manage without much help. This post was actually really hard for me to write because I feel such immense guilt and self loathing about it. But if I'm going to be honest with you about my journey, these kinds of episodes are what I face whenever something gets tough.
As I have talked about in other posts, this is an incredibly blessed cycle with love coming from many many places. At the same time, I am getting very very nervous about it. I need my body to be in a relaxed, calm place so that I can be ready to get knocked up.
Swim sideways Jen. Swim sideways.
xoxo
Not too long ago, I felt like the bottom just dropped out on my emotions. I can usually feel a difference between chemical changes and stress induced episodes. This week I felt like crap from my dear auntie F beating my body into a pulp and obviously changing my hormone levels. So because I felt like that, I didn't go walking. This of course makes me feel worse. Hence with a single comment, I slid down the slippery slope tonight when I thought I was getting better.
I hate feeling like this. It's more than sad, it's feeling batty, cracked, crazed, looney, mental, screwy, and unbalanced.
In the blog world I stumbled across this incredibly thoughtful woman who in her journey has helped me view myself through my partner's eyes. While our situations are vastly different, I think it's helped me think about choices I make that effect my illness like not exercising. It is a choice. I am aware of my problem and know how to manage it. So if I don't do everything I need to do, it's a choice I make in managing my illness.
It's hard for me even to think of it as an illness. It's certainly not something that most people who look at me even know about because I function. As a teacher, I am appropriate and professional. I clean my house. I bathe. I chat. I make dinner. I have friends. But that is because I have the least severe type of depressive disorder known as dysthymia. It's the undercurrent of my life that can swell into a riptide that sucks you into the middle of the ocean.
Perhaps like escaping out of the riptide, I need to swim sideways. I need to change directions and keep the tide from sweeping me out.
Depression is kind of like infertility. It's not something you talk about. It's something people expect you to be able to manage without much help. This post was actually really hard for me to write because I feel such immense guilt and self loathing about it. But if I'm going to be honest with you about my journey, these kinds of episodes are what I face whenever something gets tough.
As I have talked about in other posts, this is an incredibly blessed cycle with love coming from many many places. At the same time, I am getting very very nervous about it. I need my body to be in a relaxed, calm place so that I can be ready to get knocked up.
Swim sideways Jen. Swim sideways.
xoxo
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Poke
Since my hubby doesn't get to poke me to get pregnant, I made him poke me with my 1.5 inch needle. baw-hah-hah
Yes, I feel like a complete newbie right now. After a year of IUIs and two IVF cycles, you would think that somewhere along the way, he would have given me a shot of some type of wacky drug. No, no, no, those pesky deployments relieved him of all of past needle duties. By the time he returned home for the last cycle, I certainly didn't need his help. I was much too busy showing him what a pro I was at it.
Tonight, I had to do the upper right buttock area which I can do with a little twist, but quite frankly my whole body hurts. Whatever crappy BC pill they gave me has unleashed a monster wave of pain and headaches along with my dear AF. So, I had to coax him a bit.
He felt all relieved when he didn't have to stick me with the 18 gauge needle, but quickly grimaced when he realized the 22 gauge poker was still an inch and a half long.
"I have to stick the whole thing in?" he asked.
"Yes, dear." Grin.
So my first shot of estrogen is done. Meanwhile on the other side of the country, FairyEggs got her period so we're in sync and completely on schedule without any extra labs to do. Go us!
xoxo
Yes, I feel like a complete newbie right now. After a year of IUIs and two IVF cycles, you would think that somewhere along the way, he would have given me a shot of some type of wacky drug. No, no, no, those pesky deployments relieved him of all of past needle duties. By the time he returned home for the last cycle, I certainly didn't need his help. I was much too busy showing him what a pro I was at it.
Tonight, I had to do the upper right buttock area which I can do with a little twist, but quite frankly my whole body hurts. Whatever crappy BC pill they gave me has unleashed a monster wave of pain and headaches along with my dear AF. So, I had to coax him a bit.
He felt all relieved when he didn't have to stick me with the 18 gauge needle, but quickly grimaced when he realized the 22 gauge poker was still an inch and a half long.
"I have to stick the whole thing in?" he asked.
"Yes, dear." Grin.
So my first shot of estrogen is done. Meanwhile on the other side of the country, FairyEggs got her period so we're in sync and completely on schedule without any extra labs to do. Go us!
xoxo
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
The daily
My Day:
Today I went to organic produce heaven, aka Trader Joes. Okay, I'm sure Whole Paycheck has more, but I love my little TJ's stores. I was also able to buy bread, marinara sauce, and a plethora of other goodies without five tons of the white death (salt) in it. No, I didn't drive two hours just to go there, but it was the highlight of my day.
Today I had to run up to Saint Louis for my ancient but sturdy Volvo's leaking steering fluid thingy. The best part about waiting at the dealership is that they have a huge comfy leather couch and overstuffed chair to wait in. One nap later, I was on my way.
The cycle:
The devil drug, Lupron, is hitting FairyEggs pretty hard. She's on a higher dose of it than I was at 15 units but will be dropping down to 10 units on Saturday when she starts the stim meds.
And I must admit that my inner cheerleader is doing cartwheels with the mere thought of FairyEggs actually starting herstimulation meds. Cartwheel people. FairyEgg's Saturday's stim meds will include 275 iu Follistim and 75 of Menopur and continue until her first ultrasound at day seven. For my cycles, I was always monitored at day three, so it seems endless to wait until day seven to peek at her follies. I'm just crossing my fingers that she responds well to the meds.
Meanwhile, tomorrow is my first shot of this cycle with 0.2 cc of E2V....some sort of estrogen. The lovely part of this E2V shot is that it only happens every three days. While growing lining has never been a problem for me, it seems like other people doing FETs and such are on a lot more meds. Any thoughts?
As my parting thought for tonight, I have decided that my chance of getting pregnant has gone exponentially up since hell has frozen over and a Republican now has Kennedy's seat in Massachusetts. No, I'm not including political commentary here, I just never thought that would happen! So if a Republican can get elected in Mass, maybe an infertile girl can get knocked up. It could happen!
xoxo
Today I went to organic produce heaven, aka Trader Joes. Okay, I'm sure Whole Paycheck has more, but I love my little TJ's stores. I was also able to buy bread, marinara sauce, and a plethora of other goodies without five tons of the white death (salt) in it. No, I didn't drive two hours just to go there, but it was the highlight of my day.
Today I had to run up to Saint Louis for my ancient but sturdy Volvo's leaking steering fluid thingy. The best part about waiting at the dealership is that they have a huge comfy leather couch and overstuffed chair to wait in. One nap later, I was on my way.
The cycle:
The devil drug, Lupron, is hitting FairyEggs pretty hard. She's on a higher dose of it than I was at 15 units but will be dropping down to 10 units on Saturday when she starts the stim meds.
And I must admit that my inner cheerleader is doing cartwheels with the mere thought of FairyEggs actually starting herstimulation meds. Cartwheel people. FairyEgg's Saturday's stim meds will include 275 iu Follistim and 75 of Menopur and continue until her first ultrasound at day seven. For my cycles, I was always monitored at day three, so it seems endless to wait until day seven to peek at her follies. I'm just crossing my fingers that she responds well to the meds.
Meanwhile, tomorrow is my first shot of this cycle with 0.2 cc of E2V....some sort of estrogen. The lovely part of this E2V shot is that it only happens every three days. While growing lining has never been a problem for me, it seems like other people doing FETs and such are on a lot more meds. Any thoughts?
As my parting thought for tonight, I have decided that my chance of getting pregnant has gone exponentially up since hell has frozen over and a Republican now has Kennedy's seat in Massachusetts. No, I'm not including political commentary here, I just never thought that would happen! So if a Republican can get elected in Mass, maybe an infertile girl can get knocked up. It could happen!
xoxo
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Satisfied.
I have finally emerged from beyond my huge stack of virtual papers. My well of red ink is now dry, students are weeping across the country, and I sit here with a healthy dislike of commas and students who do not use the textbook as a resource. "There's a textbook for this class?" Sigh. Are you sure you want to be a teacher?
After I emerged from my grading stupor, I looked at my calendar to see what I have on my plate for this week. Blah, blah, blah. Then it dawns on me that tomorrow is my injection/medication walk through with the nurse and my first injection is Wednesday. Holy Moley Batman, the Bat-Mobile is about to leave the cave!
With FairyEggs doing her thing across the country, it just doesn't seem quite real. The poor thing posted on FB yesterday that she felt a little crazy. Eek. It's one thing to put yourself through huge amounts of crazy female hormones, but it's another to put one of your dearest friends through it!
She called me to tell me happy happy news this weekend that her insurance had paid for the majority of her pre-tests with an original bill of about $1500 knocked down to about $150. I love it when insurance actually works! It helped to soften the blow when I opened up a bill from the RE's office listing our payment due of $3900. While we have a huge discount from the RE offering his services pro bono, there are of course other costs to cover such as the anesthesiologist and the embryologist, etc. The goal is to hopefully come in under 10k for the whole cycle. When you compare this to the cost of a regular anonymous donor cycle, whew, we are so incredibly blessed to have all the help we have with this cycle.
Besides the endless grading, the great part of this weekend was Saturday. For one of my Christmas presents, hubby had bought me a Calphalon pot that we needed for our collection. It's the perfect size for our meals which is something the set we got when we got married was sorely lacking. Chili for fifty anyone? So, he's been jonesing for another one ever since. He's such a kitchen-dork! :) So Saturday morning, we headed up to do a little shopping. With our future in Alaska, I used the winter sales as an opportunity to add to closet. Shocking the crap out of me, he bought me this:
Wowzers! Go hubby! He's never bought me something completely unnecessary but wanted, so I was a little flabbergasted and giddy all at the same time. I had this huge fat grin on my face as we stood in line to purchase it. I don't even think the photo does it justice as you can't see the construction and feel of it. Love it!
After we bought the purse he took me over to an ice-cream shop, which if you remember, I've been lusting after since December! I enjoyed every bite of the strawberry ice cream mixed with fresh strawberries. Lovely.
Then when we got home, we colored.
It was such a very nice day.
So this weekend? It was such a mesh of all these random things that have left me on this Sunday night, tired but satisfied.
xoxo
After I emerged from my grading stupor, I looked at my calendar to see what I have on my plate for this week. Blah, blah, blah. Then it dawns on me that tomorrow is my injection/medication walk through with the nurse and my first injection is Wednesday. Holy Moley Batman, the Bat-Mobile is about to leave the cave!
With FairyEggs doing her thing across the country, it just doesn't seem quite real. The poor thing posted on FB yesterday that she felt a little crazy. Eek. It's one thing to put yourself through huge amounts of crazy female hormones, but it's another to put one of your dearest friends through it!
She called me to tell me happy happy news this weekend that her insurance had paid for the majority of her pre-tests with an original bill of about $1500 knocked down to about $150. I love it when insurance actually works! It helped to soften the blow when I opened up a bill from the RE's office listing our payment due of $3900. While we have a huge discount from the RE offering his services pro bono, there are of course other costs to cover such as the anesthesiologist and the embryologist, etc. The goal is to hopefully come in under 10k for the whole cycle. When you compare this to the cost of a regular anonymous donor cycle, whew, we are so incredibly blessed to have all the help we have with this cycle.
Besides the endless grading, the great part of this weekend was Saturday. For one of my Christmas presents, hubby had bought me a Calphalon pot that we needed for our collection. It's the perfect size for our meals which is something the set we got when we got married was sorely lacking. Chili for fifty anyone? So, he's been jonesing for another one ever since. He's such a kitchen-dork! :) So Saturday morning, we headed up to do a little shopping. With our future in Alaska, I used the winter sales as an opportunity to add to closet. Shocking the crap out of me, he bought me this:
After we bought the purse he took me over to an ice-cream shop, which if you remember, I've been lusting after since December! I enjoyed every bite of the strawberry ice cream mixed with fresh strawberries. Lovely.
Then when we got home, we colored.
It was such a very nice day.
So this weekend? It was such a mesh of all these random things that have left me on this Sunday night, tired but satisfied.
xoxo
Thursday, January 14, 2010
My Fairy is a CHAMP!
I just want to let you all know that FairyEggs had her first shot of Lupron yesterday. And the best part was, she took it like a champ! I was a little worried about the whole needles bit since she wouldn't even come into the kitchen when she came to visit and I was shooting up! Apparently, Mr. FE took over and stuck her. hehehe. I hear other members of the fam are also lining up for their turn at jabbing her.
It is so very strange not to be in the middle of it all. So while I sit over here eating my bonbons, FairyEggs is getting stuck with the Lupron demon. Hmmm....
I am feeling much better today after a little medicated help and some good walks with my doggie. The warm sunshine and balmy fifty-degree weather has been a nice change since our recent negative two temperatures. You know when it's colder in Missouri than in Anchorage that something is not normal!
I have virtual mounds of papers to grade (since they are all posted online), but I've been plugging away this week and will continue this weekend. Hubby's masters classes are keeping him hopping along with his papers that are due for his military training course. So I imagine this lovely MLK four day weekend will be spent attached to our laptops.
One thing that definitely brightened up my day was Nicole's news at All Grown Up. She's been such a pleasure to follow on her adoption path. I was literally doing a happy dance for her. :) There are so many hard things that we deal with in our family building, that we've got to cheer for every happy day like hers.
xoxo
It is so very strange not to be in the middle of it all. So while I sit over here eating my bonbons, FairyEggs is getting stuck with the Lupron demon. Hmmm....
I am feeling much better today after a little medicated help and some good walks with my doggie. The warm sunshine and balmy fifty-degree weather has been a nice change since our recent negative two temperatures. You know when it's colder in Missouri than in Anchorage that something is not normal!
I have virtual mounds of papers to grade (since they are all posted online), but I've been plugging away this week and will continue this weekend. Hubby's masters classes are keeping him hopping along with his papers that are due for his military training course. So I imagine this lovely MLK four day weekend will be spent attached to our laptops.
One thing that definitely brightened up my day was Nicole's news at All Grown Up. She's been such a pleasure to follow on her adoption path. I was literally doing a happy dance for her. :) There are so many hard things that we deal with in our family building, that we've got to cheer for every happy day like hers.
xoxo
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