Our move from Alaska to Kansas last June was for the sole purpose of my husband attending a year long school. We knew going into it that we would be moving this following June to our next duty station which for the Army is typically for a period of two to four years. The school itself is a lot different from most Army trainings in that it's essentially a year of college. In fact most service members take additional classes in conjunction with this school to earn a master's degree. The leadership repeats that "this is the best year of your life." This makes most of the spouses smirk as in reality they don't see the service member much. I've lucked out in that my hubby a) is a good student b) is a non-procrastinator and c) already has a masters, so I get lots of family time. Not everybody gets to attend the school, so it's a prestigious training to have within the Army.
A big high point for the year is receiving the potential list of duty stations for our follow on assignments. Because let's face it, finding out you could traipse around Europe, lounge around in Hawaii, or live in Okinawa for a few years is just cool. So everybody gets excited and talks about how they ranked their list (specific to each job). Then we wait between two weeks and six months to find out.
When we received our list, the branch manager specifically included that soldiers with dwell times (time at home between deployments) over certain amounts would or be likely to deploy. My hubby fit into the would be deploying category. So while there were some fun sounding locations, we chose to prioritize the direct deployments rather than to roll the dice and land in a new location where hubby would deploy soon after. Well, we got our wish. Hubby leaves this summer for the middle east for twelve months.
Of course, I'm not very excited about this.
The reason that hubby has a higher dwell time than others is because in a six year time period, he did three twelve month deployments. He deployed, came home for four months, deployed, came home for two years, and deployed again. In comparison, I had neighbors who deployed one time during the same period. When it came to our next assignment, they sent us to Alaska because he had deployed so much compared to his peers. While we watched soldiers duck and dodge to get out of deployments, he never flinched from his responsibility. I sucked it up and made it through those years pretty much without complaint.
This time I feel differently.
There are a couple of reasons I feel this way:
1) Several of the people who I know fit into the same dwell time category as us are not deploying.
2) Many of the financial advantages of deployments are going away, in fact now his area will be an unaccompanied tour versus a deployment.
3) I'm going to have newborn twins.
4) I have a three year old.
I had a family member who told me congratulations on getting our first choice. Honestly, I was shocked that they would say this. This is not good news, this was us trying to have a little control over our lives.
Now that everything has shaken out, I feel like we got jacked. It makes me a little bitter. It makes me sad that hubby is going to miss the first year of the twins lives. I know it's going to break my heart to see E deal with this.
I've always been supportive of my husband's career, and I will continue to be. However, it's taken me this long to even write about it without feeling emotionally compromised by putting the words down here. It will take me a little while longer until I'm not mad at the situation.
Honestly, most of me feels like I shouldn't feel this way. I even feel a little disloyal for putting this out there because I should be more accepting of our reality. I shouldn't compare our situation. I should suck it up like a good Army spouse. My hubby certainly isn't complaining about it. I'm just not quite there yet.
xxx
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
I'm 28 weeks 4 days today.
Ticking along.
Still preggo.
Baby A, my yet unnamed boy, is estimated at 2 lb 7 oz.
Baby B, my girl who will probably never get a name, is estimated at 2 lb 8 oz.
It's sweet how they're already sharing by using the resources equally. Yay!
As of today, I've gained 25 lb with a belly measurement of 41 weeks.
I've slowed down tremendously over the last few weeks as I get larger and more tired doing normal things. If my mom wasn't here, I'd be seriously up a creek. But instead, I still have a clean house, good meals, help with all my errands, and I get naps every afternoon.
I'm a lucky girl. Now stay in there babies!
xxx
Ticking along.
Still preggo.
Baby A, my yet unnamed boy, is estimated at 2 lb 7 oz.
Baby B, my girl who will probably never get a name, is estimated at 2 lb 8 oz.
It's sweet how they're already sharing by using the resources equally. Yay!
As of today, I've gained 25 lb with a belly measurement of 41 weeks.
I've slowed down tremendously over the last few weeks as I get larger and more tired doing normal things. If my mom wasn't here, I'd be seriously up a creek. But instead, I still have a clean house, good meals, help with all my errands, and I get naps every afternoon.
I'm a lucky girl. Now stay in there babies!
xxx
Friday, January 31, 2014
22 weeks
It's official. Today I reached the point in my pregnancy where I officially feel like a cow. I think that's pretty funny since I'm only 22 weeks along. The doc measured me yesterday at 32 weeks, and I have gained between 16-18 lb depending on the day. After measuring me, my not regular doctor said, "Wow, that's big." I really wanted to say something sarcastic too him, but I refrained.
Since getting my cerclage, I have been ticking along day by day doing normal things. With my mother here to help, I've been getting in some naps and generally able to take it easy. I'm completely pampered with certain parts of life in that she has taken over the majority of cleaning and cooking. Her presence has certainly made it easier for me and E loves having her here.
Some other traumatic and plot twist worthy events have occurred too, but I haven't the emotional wherewithal to write about it yet.
The best news going on in our lives is that E is growing like a weed and the anatomy scan showed the babies are healthy. E's pretty excited that he'll have both a brother and a sister to play with...
xoxo
Since getting my cerclage, I have been ticking along day by day doing normal things. With my mother here to help, I've been getting in some naps and generally able to take it easy. I'm completely pampered with certain parts of life in that she has taken over the majority of cleaning and cooking. Her presence has certainly made it easier for me and E loves having her here.
Some other traumatic and plot twist worthy events have occurred too, but I haven't the emotional wherewithal to write about it yet.
The best news going on in our lives is that E is growing like a weed and the anatomy scan showed the babies are healthy. E's pretty excited that he'll have both a brother and a sister to play with...
xoxo
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
Better
With most of my crying jag behind me, I'm feeling a ton better about everything. Part of me thinks I just needed to get it out, some of it's situational, and the other part is depression.
When I got pregnant with the twins, I went off my meds that I take for depression because they're Class C drugs. There has definitely been an adjustment to life without them as I went cold turkey which is not recommended. The first two weeks were the worst as I felt like a huge witch. Within a few weeks, I evened out and was more focused on not hurling than anything. Now ten weeks later, I can tell there are differences in myself when it comes to being more quick to anger, not feeling social and also the crying jag that ensued on Monday.
The next morning after I wrote my post, I called my doctor and told him he needed to reschedule the cerclage for next week. The nurse who called passed along that my doctor thought it was really important to do it this week while I was still fourteen weeks. I burst into tears on the phone, telling her that we just didn't have enough coverage for my son. They understood, and rescheduled me for Monday morning which is four days later. I called and got my mom to change her flight. Now we should be golden.
However, what really ticks me off is that I've been pushing my doctors on this issue since the first time I saw them at six weeks. I get that they don't have all of the answers in a pregnancy like mine that is complicated by history, not enough research, and twins, however changing their minds and then insisting I get it done in two days is a little much. That's why I had the discussions with them every appointment since the beginning! If I had known it would be a possibility, I would have arranged for my parents to come earlier.
Thankfully my parents are wonderful, wonderful people. Between my mother and my father, they plan on one of them being here pretty much from now through the time that I deliver and beyond if the twins are in the NICU. This was something we discussed with them before we decided to go ahead and try this time around. I'm so grateful that they can do this for us.
Thanks for your support peeps.
xoxo
When I got pregnant with the twins, I went off my meds that I take for depression because they're Class C drugs. There has definitely been an adjustment to life without them as I went cold turkey which is not recommended. The first two weeks were the worst as I felt like a huge witch. Within a few weeks, I evened out and was more focused on not hurling than anything. Now ten weeks later, I can tell there are differences in myself when it comes to being more quick to anger, not feeling social and also the crying jag that ensued on Monday.
The next morning after I wrote my post, I called my doctor and told him he needed to reschedule the cerclage for next week. The nurse who called passed along that my doctor thought it was really important to do it this week while I was still fourteen weeks. I burst into tears on the phone, telling her that we just didn't have enough coverage for my son. They understood, and rescheduled me for Monday morning which is four days later. I called and got my mom to change her flight. Now we should be golden.
However, what really ticks me off is that I've been pushing my doctors on this issue since the first time I saw them at six weeks. I get that they don't have all of the answers in a pregnancy like mine that is complicated by history, not enough research, and twins, however changing their minds and then insisting I get it done in two days is a little much. That's why I had the discussions with them every appointment since the beginning! If I had known it would be a possibility, I would have arranged for my parents to come earlier.
Thankfully my parents are wonderful, wonderful people. Between my mother and my father, they plan on one of them being here pretty much from now through the time that I deliver and beyond if the twins are in the NICU. This was something we discussed with them before we decided to go ahead and try this time around. I'm so grateful that they can do this for us.
Thanks for your support peeps.
xoxo
Monday, December 9, 2013
Fear
Tonight I'm just a mess of tears.
Really it's not surprising that trying to figure out the logistics for having my cerclage done in two days sent me over the edge. Because in reality, there are a lot of things about this pregnancy that scare the crap out of me.
When I first found out I was possibly pregnant with twins, I had little expectation that the one empty sac would develop like the other sac in my uterus that had a small flicker of a heartbeat. Yet at eight weeks, both sacs showed healthy heartbeats with one measuring just two days behind the other which explained the empty sac during the first ultrasound.
The doctor did not congratulate me or smile like you would imagine. Instead he looked at me grimly and said, well this is going to be complicated. That comment pretty much set the tone for the onslaught of fear that ensued over the next three weeks. While I continued to be happy that I was pregnant, I feared the reality of carrying a twin pregnancy to term. And then, how the hell was I going to handle twins and a rowdy three year old? I wanted them, but I was very afraid. When you added in hurling and constant nausea, I was just a hot mess.
Things began to change for me once I talked to IVFlygirl. After all, she has two beautiful kiddos with the same genetics who were awesome babies and now toddlers. Along with my husband, she was the biggest influence on the calming of my fears on how I could handle adding twins to our family.
Between the regular OB and the perinatologists, I have had doctors appointments every other week of my pregnancy. Over this time I have had multiple discussions with both of them about having a cerclage placed. Because I am carrying twins, placing a preventative cerclage is different than a singleton. Essentially, the studies show that women with emergency cerclages in a multiple pregnancy fair worse than those without cerclages. The problem is that there is not data on cerclages with multiples which are preventative not emergent. After a lunch discussion between both doctors this week, they decided that they would offer me a cerclage. The perinatologist leans about 60/40 towards me getting a cerclage based upon my complicated past and current complex case. My husband and I decided to go ahead and proceed with a cerclage as this is what our gut has been telling us all along.
My OB called me on the way home and has already scheduled me for the procedure on Thursday. Of course, having a three year old and no family around makes it slightly complicated for me to arrange childcare on short notice. My husband can not simply take a day off to help because of the military school he is attending. So I called people and figured most everything out until I realized E's Christmas program is on Friday. It's a small event in his classroom however I imagine him standing there looking around since he will be the only one without parents present. That image made me burst into tears. I haven't really stopped crying since.
Obviously, it's not just the fifteen minute program. It's my fear that I won't be able to carry these twins safely.
xoxo
Really it's not surprising that trying to figure out the logistics for having my cerclage done in two days sent me over the edge. Because in reality, there are a lot of things about this pregnancy that scare the crap out of me.
When I first found out I was possibly pregnant with twins, I had little expectation that the one empty sac would develop like the other sac in my uterus that had a small flicker of a heartbeat. Yet at eight weeks, both sacs showed healthy heartbeats with one measuring just two days behind the other which explained the empty sac during the first ultrasound.
The doctor did not congratulate me or smile like you would imagine. Instead he looked at me grimly and said, well this is going to be complicated. That comment pretty much set the tone for the onslaught of fear that ensued over the next three weeks. While I continued to be happy that I was pregnant, I feared the reality of carrying a twin pregnancy to term. And then, how the hell was I going to handle twins and a rowdy three year old? I wanted them, but I was very afraid. When you added in hurling and constant nausea, I was just a hot mess.
Things began to change for me once I talked to IVFlygirl. After all, she has two beautiful kiddos with the same genetics who were awesome babies and now toddlers. Along with my husband, she was the biggest influence on the calming of my fears on how I could handle adding twins to our family.
Between the regular OB and the perinatologists, I have had doctors appointments every other week of my pregnancy. Over this time I have had multiple discussions with both of them about having a cerclage placed. Because I am carrying twins, placing a preventative cerclage is different than a singleton. Essentially, the studies show that women with emergency cerclages in a multiple pregnancy fair worse than those without cerclages. The problem is that there is not data on cerclages with multiples which are preventative not emergent. After a lunch discussion between both doctors this week, they decided that they would offer me a cerclage. The perinatologist leans about 60/40 towards me getting a cerclage based upon my complicated past and current complex case. My husband and I decided to go ahead and proceed with a cerclage as this is what our gut has been telling us all along.
My OB called me on the way home and has already scheduled me for the procedure on Thursday. Of course, having a three year old and no family around makes it slightly complicated for me to arrange childcare on short notice. My husband can not simply take a day off to help because of the military school he is attending. So I called people and figured most everything out until I realized E's Christmas program is on Friday. It's a small event in his classroom however I imagine him standing there looking around since he will be the only one without parents present. That image made me burst into tears. I haven't really stopped crying since.
Obviously, it's not just the fifteen minute program. It's my fear that I won't be able to carry these twins safely.
xoxo
Monday, December 2, 2013
Friday, November 15, 2013
Somewhere in the midst of being excited and hopeful to have another child, I forgot that beyond the cervix and early labor issues, I am a terrible pregnant woman.
Ever since week six, I have been plagued with nausea and exhaustion. Believe me, I know that these are typical symptoms that the majority of women go through. Yet, other women seem to do it with grace while I am just a hot mess of a mom.
Somewhere along the way, the pregnancy hormones have caused my hair to start sticking up oddly where I have two cowlicks. These cowlicks were meticulously trained by my mother to behave since I was a kid. So imagine my surprise when they started sticking virtually straight up.
These two little hair gems add to my overall mom look that I sport of yoga pants and maternity tees that I toss on in the morning to take E to preschool twice a week.
Meanwhile, there are literally a ton of military wives who are knocked up right now. I'm assuming the conventional way since most of them are due in April which coincidentally aligns for the in processing period for the school when there was a ton of down time. These moms, make it look easy. I think they even manage to do things like brush their hair and teeth.
I count it a victory when I'm not dry heaving on the way home from dropping him off. Then I plod into the house and promptly lay down. Exhausted and usually nauseous.
How do people do this!?!?!?
I'm so grateful that I'm pregnant, but seriously I suck at this!
xxx
Ever since week six, I have been plagued with nausea and exhaustion. Believe me, I know that these are typical symptoms that the majority of women go through. Yet, other women seem to do it with grace while I am just a hot mess of a mom.
Somewhere along the way, the pregnancy hormones have caused my hair to start sticking up oddly where I have two cowlicks. These cowlicks were meticulously trained by my mother to behave since I was a kid. So imagine my surprise when they started sticking virtually straight up.
These two little hair gems add to my overall mom look that I sport of yoga pants and maternity tees that I toss on in the morning to take E to preschool twice a week.
Meanwhile, there are literally a ton of military wives who are knocked up right now. I'm assuming the conventional way since most of them are due in April which coincidentally aligns for the in processing period for the school when there was a ton of down time. These moms, make it look easy. I think they even manage to do things like brush their hair and teeth.
I count it a victory when I'm not dry heaving on the way home from dropping him off. Then I plod into the house and promptly lay down. Exhausted and usually nauseous.
How do people do this!?!?!?
I'm so grateful that I'm pregnant, but seriously I suck at this!
xxx
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