Lately I've been swimming in a haze of anxiety which completely pisses me off.
Diving into school while taking care of Baby E sounded like a great idea before I actually tried to do it. The traditional class that I'm taking is mostly under control. However, the correspondence course is kicking my butt. At first I thought the class would be great as the syllabus showed five projects to complete at my own pace. Yet when I actually dived into the work, I realized in the first project 1) that the five documents to read actually totaled 500 pages, and 2) I have absolutely no frame of reference as I know nothing about rural Alaska or the Native Alaskans. To top it off, the assignments all center around the idea that I'm working in a classroom somewhere in Alaska, which I am obviously not. Needless to say, it makes the 90% of the assignment theoretical for me based upon what I can glean from my local district's website. It's beyond frustrating. What also peeves me out is that I got a 14/15 or 93% on my first assignment without any explanation as to where my 7% went. Does he know how hard I worked on that paper? Beh.
Anyway, when I get anxious about an assignment then it takes me a billion years to write it.
So now I'm behind.
And I'm stressing.
Because it's virtually impossible for me to write in the short breaks I have during the day.
Because I'm taking care of my son.
My beautiful, happy son who is my own personal definition of joy.
And I'm teaching my online classes.
And I'm making dinner.
And I'm trying to keep my pretty new house from becoming grubby.
And I have no friends here.
And I've gained five pounds from stress eating.
And so I've turned into this anxious ball of STRESS!
So I've stopped trying to actually write any of my assignments during the week and am instead just focused on getting my immense pile of readings done. I hopped onto the treadmill and started walking again. These simple things have made me feel so much better.
I just want to be a mom who is present, calm, and put together. I don't want to be stressed out and distracted. I want to cherish every moment I have with this kid and not feel guilty or pressured to do something else. He's just the best, and he deserves me to be at my best.
I certainly don't want to grump at my hubby either.
So I'm working on getting this all under control.