Lately I've been swimming in a haze of anxiety which completely pisses me off.
Diving into school while taking care of Baby E sounded like a great idea before I actually tried to do it. The traditional class that I'm taking is mostly under control. However, the correspondence course is kicking my butt. At first I thought the class would be great as the syllabus showed five projects to complete at my own pace. Yet when I actually dived into the work, I realized in the first project 1) that the five documents to read actually totaled 500 pages, and 2) I have absolutely no frame of reference as I know nothing about rural Alaska or the Native Alaskans. To top it off, the assignments all center around the idea that I'm working in a classroom somewhere in Alaska, which I am obviously not. Needless to say, it makes the 90% of the assignment theoretical for me based upon what I can glean from my local district's website. It's beyond frustrating. What also peeves me out is that I got a 14/15 or 93% on my first assignment without any explanation as to where my 7% went. Does he know how hard I worked on that paper? Beh.
Anyway, when I get anxious about an assignment then it takes me a billion years to write it.
So now I'm behind.
And I'm stressing.
Because it's virtually impossible for me to write in the short breaks I have during the day.
Because I'm taking care of my son.
My beautiful, happy son who is my own personal definition of joy.
And I'm teaching my online classes.
And I'm making dinner.
And I'm trying to keep my pretty new house from becoming grubby.
And I have no friends here.
And I've gained five pounds from stress eating.
And so I've turned into this anxious ball of STRESS!
So I've stopped trying to actually write any of my assignments during the week and am instead just focused on getting my immense pile of readings done. I hopped onto the treadmill and started walking again. These simple things have made me feel so much better.
I just want to be a mom who is present, calm, and put together. I don't want to be stressed out and distracted. I want to cherish every moment I have with this kid and not feel guilty or pressured to do something else. He's just the best, and he deserves me to be at my best.
I certainly don't want to grump at my hubby either.
So I'm working on getting this all under control.
xoxo
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Oh, how I get this. That pit in the stomach stress feeling sucks. Good for you, for taking steps to prioritize and take care of yourself. Go easy on yourself, because you have the hardest and best job ever -- being E's mom -- and you're awesome at it.
ReplyDeleteVery stressful! I'm glad it sounds like you're getting it under control!
ReplyDeleteYou have a lot on your plate! I'm sure you are doing great!!! :D A calm, present, and put together mom...let me know if you figure out how to do that! :)
ReplyDeleteYou're doing the best thing that you can right now, taking it one thing at a time. You'll get through the class and then maybe take some time off and snuggle with that adorable baby of yours :)
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you're handling it all pretty well to me!
ReplyDeleteOne thing that worked for me when I was writing my masters' thesis was to set aside a specific block of time to write (when your hubs can take care of baby E), so that you have nothing else to worry about but writing. Try to clear your mind going into this time - it's tough, but tell yourself that you've set aside everything else for another time.
Then, when you finish that time put writing aside and focus on your E.
I had times where specific thoughts would come to me away from this time so I'd jot them down on a sticky note and put it by my computer so I could include it later.
Hope this helps...
You are definitely not the first momma, or the last, to stress about trying to find the balance. I have no advice, just want you to know that we're all rooting for you, and you're completely normal! I'm proud of you for getting on that treadmill - taking the time to take care of yourself is very important as a mother!
ReplyDeleteTen years ago I was making a career change to finally achieve my lifelong dream: becoming a teacher. I was also sharing the care of my widowed father with my sisters, working full-time, and I still had a high schooler (Lisa!) at home. I tried taking two grad classes and an independent study Literary Analysis class at the Univ. of Minnesota at the same time. I finally cried "uncle" and asked my professor at the U of M if I could have an extension after explaining the circumstances. She was extremely gracious and granted it wholeheartedly. Can you get an extension on the class you're taking until you finish the class you're teaching? If not, I recommend margaritas.
ReplyDeleteDo you know about www.flylady.net? It has some great tips for dealing with your workload. I use it. You have a small baby and a big workload. Cut yourself some slack.
ReplyDeleteFirst off, let me just say that, as usual, your child is so amazingly gorgeous - WOW!
ReplyDeleteOkay, got that out of my system. You sound like me. All stressed up with no place to go. You need to get OUT OF THE HOUSE. I know you're in the boonies, but have you put out any feelers for other moms in the area, or something along those lines? YOU NEED TO GET OUT.
I think the new plan at trying to manage the school work is good, though. Since some of it depends on how things work in an actual classroom, what about asking the district about observing? That would give you some insight....
Hang in there!!!
School is tough all on its own, and I can't even imagine how much more tough it becomes with all of those other priorities. You'll find your way though lady. I totally believe that!
ReplyDeleteThe ability to be calm, present and put-together? Not stressed out or too distracted?
ReplyDeleteI've been working full time, going through a divorce and raising my fabulously sassy daughter for 4 years now and I still feel guilty and stressed about work when I'm at home...and home when I'm at work. So if you figure that out, you need to write a book- I'll buy the first copy! :)