Knocked down by infertility.
Knocked up by my infertility doctor
with my best friend's eggs.
Hoping to get knocked up one more time...
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
I'm not officially participating in Reverb10 since I just finished my Nablopomo month, but I've been reading a few blogs who are participating. One of the prompts last week asked about what we have let go of this year. Wow, this is a big one for me.
One's suffering disappears when one lets oneself go, when one yields - even to sadness. ~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry
I came across this quote in the wee hours of a morning last month. Since then, these words bounced around as I pondered why on earth the idea of letting go makes me feel so sad, so emotional, so ready to burst into tears. Then I realized what I let go of, and I understood.
I let go of the life I thought I would have.
Life isn't suppose to take you through three IVF cycles or require a gift of eggs from your best friend. It's not suppose to leave you devastated in some crappy hotel as you receive a phone call from an embryologist. Life isn't suppose to require cold sterile rooms and thousands of dollars of drugs to create a family. In all of this, I ended up yielding to the sadness of it all. I surrendered to my despair.
After I lived those moments, I found that I stopped expecting so much. I no longer felt entitled. That made it stop hurting so much. As much as that sounds sad, it's not because what came next gave me a life better than I imagined.
Because next? Next, I got really lucky.
My best friend donated her eggs. A doctor donated his services. And it worked.
The events of the last eighteen months have taken me from the depths of despair to the most beautiful moment of joy. Does that change a person? Of course. Now I a mother who has a unique appreciation for her son and a stronger bond with her husband. I wouldn't change that.
Teacher. Military Wife. Daughter. Sister. Friend. Infertile. Now Mother.
I use to spend my days warping young minds as a teacher. However, three IVFs and one super fabulous donor later, I found myself knocked up by another man. Now, I'm a mom staying at home with baby E, working online, and loving life in Alaska. Now, we are on the journey for baby #2 via embryo donation from IVFlygirl and her family.
Winter '01 - Met
Summer '05 - Married
Summer '07 - Stopped BCP
Spring '08 - Referral to RE
Fall 08 - Spring '09 - 3 IUI BFN
July/Aug '09 - IVF#1 BFN
Sept/Oct '09 - IVF #2 BFN
Nov '09 - Decided to pursue donor eggs
Jan/Feb '09 - IVF#3 with DE BFP!!!
June '10 - Moved to Alaska
August '10 - Admitted to hospital at 4 cm dilated. Rescue cerclage.
Oct '10 - Baby E born at 35 weeks. Healthy.
And they lived...
March '12 - selected as recipient for embryo donation!
July '12 - contracts signed, embryos shipped, lining checked, now transfer! BFN