Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Letting Go

I'm not officially participating in Reverb10 since I just finished my Nablopomo month, but I've been reading a few blogs who are participating. One of the prompts last week asked about what we have let go of this year. Wow, this is a big one for me. 

One's suffering disappears when one lets oneself go, when one yields - even to sadness.  ~Antoine de Saint-ExupĂ©ry

I came across this quote in the wee hours of a morning last month. Since then, these words bounced around as I pondered why on earth the idea of letting go makes me feel so sad, so emotional, so ready to burst into tears. Then I realized what I let go of, and I understood.

I let go of the life I thought I would have.

Life isn't suppose to take you through three IVF cycles or require a gift of eggs from your best friend. It's not suppose to leave you devastated in some crappy hotel as you receive a phone call from an embryologist. Life isn't suppose to require cold sterile rooms and thousands of dollars of drugs to create a family. In all of this, I ended up yielding to the sadness of it all. I surrendered to my despair.

After I lived those moments, I found that I stopped expecting so much. I no longer felt entitled. That made it stop hurting so much. As much as that sounds sad, it's not because what came next gave me a life better than I imagined. 

Because next? Next, I got really lucky.

My best friend donated her eggs.
A doctor donated his services.
And it worked.

The events of the last eighteen months have taken me from the depths of despair to the most beautiful moment of joy. Does that change a person? Of course. Now I a mother who has a unique appreciation for her son and a stronger bond with her husband. I wouldn't change that.



  1. What a beautiful and peaceful picture of your little guy!!! So happy for you that you have a beautiful life with your son / husband!!!

  2. Wow I needed this one right now...

  3. While I was on maternity leave this summer I became hopelessly addicted to Oprah and during one show she made a comment of a quote that she heard from somebody else (I am sorry I don't remember who first said it.)

    But it went something like,

    Forgivness is accepting that the past could not have been any different.

    That sounds about right, but Oprah didn't tell us how to get to the forgivness... Oprah...

  4. Letting go of what could have been is incredibly liberating - I'm glad you've come to that place!

    Love the picture of baby E - such a handsome little man!

  5. I have seen a couple about this. I think IF forces you to let go...it takes much out of your hands, so, in a way, it does this positive thing of forcing us to give up some control...hard to see it as positive, but it's there, right???

  6. Very well said. Through knowing the despair of loss, I feel that I can more fully appreciate the joy of being a mom.

  7. What a beautiful post. I needed this too.
    Also, I wanted to thank you for all your support through my journey. I really appreciate it.
    I just read your story, with all the hard times and the good! You are an inspiration to me. I am going through a lot of emotions regarding donating my eggs, but I see your story and how thankfull and happy you are and I am sure I am doing the right thing. From now on, I will think of you as the person that will take care of them and love them like you do.

  8. I love so much about this post, Jen. So, so relatable...

  9. I really enjoyed this, cuz. You've been through a lot these past couple of years. And I'm so happy for your sweet little boy. :)

    With love, from #reverb10 HQ ;)

  10. So glad I popped on today and read this. Very well said and insightful. Sometimes it's a tough journey you have to go through to get to the good stuff. But I think so many people are so unable to let go of their regrets/issues about the journey to enjoy the outcome. And while there are certain things that no one should ever have to go through, unfortunately that is just how life works sometimes. Kudos for you for being able to recognize and let go. more importantly, kudos for being able to appreciate and move forward. :)

  11. I needed to read this today. Letting go is hard, but it's also so freeing. Good for you.

    BTW-Your son is BEAUTIFUL!

    (here from creme)