Thank God for My Dogs

I think that I have been fairly quiet about the lack of being pregnant over the past two years. That's why I started looking at other people's blogs about infertility. Being in this tiny town does not lead to the support groups that would be right around the corner in LA. I tell my favorite friends about what's going on in cycle. In fact, I tell whoever really wants to know because I don't really care if it is public knowledge. This is my reality. If you want to know how I am doing, this is what is up with me. Hence that is why my grandma is still cracking up that I told her that I hope my doctor gets my knocked up. But back to the point, all-in-all I still haven't really let myself feel much about the situation. 

Case-in-point, I call it the "situation," like it isn't something that is really happening. Like I'm really not driving every month for baseline ultrasounds and injecting drugs like a pro + feeling whacked out from all of them cumulatively. I shouldn't complain because they don't affect me as bad as all of the scary "irrationality" side-effects listed. I'd like to pin my normal mood swings on the drugs. Yet at the same time, I feel a pretty big difference being off of them for six weeks. 

I don't feel crazy because I don't let myself get hopeful or excited when I try every month. Until last week I just felt pretty even or numb about it. But now, I've launched into having this agonizing ache in my chest, which must be loneliness. Most of that is simply from V being gone and the anticipation of him coming home on R&R. The other part is me just generally feel detached from my family and the other people I love scattered around the country.  Plus, with H moving at Spring Break, I have lost my good girlfriend to hang out with here. All the reasons aside, it's like my chest physically hurts at night when I'm not busy and distracted. What's strange is that I feel kind of apathetic about talking to anyone when they call even though I really miss them. How whacked is that?

V asked me yesterday if I thought it was easy for him being gone after I started telling him how I was feeling. In reality, yes, it does seem so easy for him during deployments. He's such a rock that I forget that he just doesn't let himself dive into the "missing" mode. That doesn't mean it is easy for him. I just don't hear him vocalize it like I do.

I'm not sitting here having a pity party, I'm just trying to deal with everything and try not to stress out so that my body will be in a good place come the end of July. Thank God for S and P, my favorite pooches who keep me getting up in the morning.