Poke

Since my hubby doesn't get to poke me to get pregnant, I made him poke me with my 1.5 inch needle. baw-hah-hah

Yes, I feel like a complete newbie right now. After a year of IUIs and two IVF cycles, you would think that somewhere along the way, he would have given me a shot of some type of wacky drug. No, no, no, those pesky deployments relieved him of all of past needle duties. By the time he returned home for the last cycle, I certainly didn't need his help. I was much too busy showing him what a pro I was at it.

Tonight, I had to do the upper right buttock area which I can do with a little twist, but quite frankly my whole body hurts. Whatever crappy BC pill they gave me has unleashed a monster wave of pain and headaches along with my dear AF.  So, I had to coax him a bit.

He felt all relieved when he didn't have to stick me with the 18 gauge needle, but quickly grimaced when he realized the 22 gauge poker was still an inch and a half long.

"I have to stick the whole thing in?" he asked.

"Yes, dear." Grin.

So my first shot of estrogen is done. Meanwhile on the other side of the country, FairyEggs got her period so we're in sync and completely on schedule without any extra labs to do. Go us!

xoxo

The daily

My Day:

Today I went to organic produce heaven, aka Trader Joes. Okay, I'm sure Whole Paycheck has more, but I love my little TJ's stores. I was also able to buy bread, marinara sauce, and a plethora of other goodies without five tons of the white death (salt) in it. No, I didn't drive two hours just to go there, but it was the highlight of my day.

Today I had to run up to Saint Louis for my ancient but sturdy Volvo's leaking steering fluid thingy. The best part about waiting at the dealership is that they have a huge comfy leather couch and overstuffed chair to wait in. One nap later, I was on my way.

The cycle:

The devil drug, Lupron, is hitting FairyEggs pretty hard. She's on a higher dose of it than I was at 15 units but will be dropping down to 10 units on Saturday when she starts the stim meds.

And I must admit that my inner cheerleader is doing cartwheels with the mere thought of FairyEggs actually starting herstimulation meds. Cartwheel people. FairyEgg's Saturday's stim meds will include 275 iu Follistim and 75 of Menopur and continue until her first ultrasound at day seven. For my cycles, I was always monitored at day three, so it seems endless to wait until day seven to peek at her follies.  I'm just crossing my fingers that she responds well to the meds.

Meanwhile, tomorrow is my first shot of this cycle with 0.2 cc of E2V....some sort of estrogen. The lovely part of this E2V shot is that it only happens every three days. While growing lining has never been a problem for me, it seems like other people doing FETs and such are on a lot more meds. Any thoughts?

As my parting thought for tonight, I have decided that my chance of getting pregnant has gone exponentially up since hell has frozen over and a Republican now has Kennedy's seat in Massachusetts. No, I'm not including political commentary here, I just never thought that would happen! So if a Republican can get elected in Mass, maybe an infertile girl can get knocked up. It could happen!

xoxo

ailure with a capital F

I have absolutely nothing to be depressed about because there are so many freaking good things in my life. But the fact of the matter is that I've been in the dumps. Can't write blogs without hating them. Can't say what I really want to. Don't really want to get out of bed.

In fact my bed calls to me the siren song of egyptian cotton and a soft sleep# setting of 35 which Sweetpea and I both go for. I want to go there pretty much 24-7 and with my feet slid under her for warmth and a book in my hand until I slip into oblivion. Because if I'm asleep I really don't have to think of much.

If I'm in oblivion I don't have to feel like a failure for not working more than I do, for not knowing when I should refuse a shipment because they turn my Nordictrack on end instead of laying it flat like instructed, for not going to exercise, for drinking my DietDrPepper with evil caffeine, for having endless cravings for mintchocolatechipicecreamwithasecondscoopofrockyroadfrombaskinrobins, for procrastinating my endless grading. . .

None of this should rationally be a reason for me to feel like I'm swimming in the failure bucket.  The fact is that I'm approaching another situation where failure is reasonable and even probable. Thirty-seven percent of people in this situation at my clinic "are unsuccessful." Have you ever noticed that unsuccessful has a big FU in it? Yep, that's exactly what this would be.

While Fairyeggs might not be twenty-one, she's healthy, strong and fertile. She's had three children in the not too distant past. If I can't get knocked up with her eggs, then I have to wonder if it's more than just crappy eggs.

This has to be it.  Just like fertility drugs and IVF cycles had to be it. This delusion of hope that I have is simply going to wreck me, again. I know this. I know this, and I still have hope inside of me.

I'd just rather go to bed than think about all of this.

xoxo

FairyEggs

Here I am again!  This is real!  We are going through with this!  Sometimes it still feels unreal that fifteen years after meeting J that we will be going through this together.  I think this makes us related now.  I feel like she is my sister, so now we can just make it official! 

I am excited and admittedly a little nervous.  I will be taking crazy drugs (that I heard will make me a bit fat and have a mean headache) and leaving my family for ten days.  I have never been away from my husband that long in the ten years we have been married.  Not to mention the two other kids I will be leaving at home.  Thankfully I have a great friend who will be keeping them and is hugely supportive and a WONDERFUL husband who thinks this is a great idea! 

I also have to say thanks to the entire family who will be putting up with me, Tink and my mom for a very long time.  Hopefully we will be the best house guests ever!!!  My school has been extremely understanding and wishes everyone the best of luck.  It is amazing the support I have been getting from them.  I found out our assistant principal went through the exact same thing and ended up adopting a little girl.  You never know who you will meet that will endure the heartache that so many of you have felt.  I hope that this act will not only help a wonderful man and woman to be parents, but that everyone has hope of someone giving the gift to you, whether it is through adoption, egg donation or just support and understanding.  After reading several of your blogs, I wish the same for all of you.  I have a whole new perspective on infertility that I never had to think of and I am a better person for having been directly involved in the process.

Wish us luck!   Does anyone think that acupuncture will help me with making good healthy sticky eggs?

xoxo

Another year...

I thought about this blog all day long. When it comes down to it, I don't feel very reflective though. 


It's been a big bag of nuts for me filled with those huge nasty ones that no one wants to eat and a few, a very few, chocolate covered macadamia ones. Most of me wants to give 2009 a big finger followed with a wedgie and a kick in the ass. But when it comes down to it, I have hope for 2010. So I don't really give a rats ass about 2009 anymore. 


This is what counts:


*My husband returned to me safely from his third deployment. 
*Fairyeggs has opened my eyes to a whole new window of selflessness and friendship in giving me her oocytes.
*Dr. Leprechaun is giving me a pro bono cycle which relieves the huge financial weight.



Those are some pretty damn good things.


Tonight as I sit with my champagne, husband and dog in my warm house, I know that I am okay. I can not claim to know what is intended for us, but I know that hope is not dead inside of me. 


Bring it on 20-10.


Happy New Year blogosphere!


xoxo

The going ons...

Sigh, I love winter break! Hubby and I slept in late again this morning and eventually got up to laze about. After a few hours, hubby got to work on a take-home midterm and I finished a book, did some laundry and watched a few reruns of NCIS. 

I haven't been writing much about infertility lately simply because there hasn't been much going on. FairyEggs is enjoying her holidays with her family and gulping down birth control. The BC pills play with her tear ducts fairly strongly, so I'm not looking forward to putting her through Lupron, Follistim, and Menopur! There's nothing like torturing a friend! 

As polite and professional as the new LA clinic is, I am missing my favorite staff from my clinic in Louisiana. It was comforting knowing who to talk to and the procedures of the clinic besides the fact that I just loved them personally. Part of my discomfort simply comes from having to find the new office in a big city, which was surprisingly easy considering I took four freeways with nascar like driving to get there. The financial aspect is also a little awkward because I'm not really sure what I have to pay for or don't. I'm just a creature of comfort and the new environment takes a little getting use to. Regardless of my nervousness bubbling inside, hubby successfully completed his donations. As one of my favorite readers said, that's half of my future kid in that cup! 

Now we're impatiently waiting for AF to arrive so that we can get our schedule laid out for the cycle. I'm excited about finding out when everything is going down. We have lots of arrangements to make once we get a tentative calendar so, comm'on AF! Even though I'm five days past my expected date, my periods are wonky so it's nothing new. I tested just to make sure and of course had a momentary wave in my heart when I saw the single line. Nothing new there! 

So FairyEggs is gulping down BCPs, hubby's donations are done, and I'm waiting for AF. Just another day in the land of IF for us! Now I'm off to go all Simon on some term papers...love and hugs to everybody!

xoxo

Infertility Stimulus

My solution to the economy.

Instead of the $54 million dollars going to the Wine Train in California (I have no idea what that is, but is sounds yummy, but kind of silly) for the economic stimulus, I propose giving infertile families money to pay for IVF SET transfers (as to not run up health care bills) so that we will can have children.

Then because we are the neurotic ones who are just waiting to spend on our money at various cute kiddie extravaganza stores ranging from industries from food to furniture, we will single handedly stimulate the economy.

Really, it could work. :)

xoxo

No canned tomatoes?

A friend just posted this article on FB, "The seven foods the experts won't eat." Seriously? The first item, canned tomatoes is avoided by an endocrinologist because "Studies show that the BPA in most people's body exceeds the amount that suppresses sperm production or causes chromosomal damage to the eggs of animals." Microwave popcorn is on the list too. What's sad is that I live 2.5 hours from the nearest Trad.erJoes or Whole Paycheck and the local Wally World and Commissary (the grocery store on base) have the tiniest organic section ever. Sigh. I guess I'll definitely have to move to Alaska and grow my own veggies! 


xoxo

Beet this!

Beet this! Tonight we boiled the beet. This is the beet that I picked up because my hubby was waxing nostalgic about the garden they had when he was growing up. So, I was thinking I should plant a garden at our next home. My hubby laughed at me. Why, you ask? Because imagining a garden in Alaska isn't the first thing you do. But they do have a great summer season with lots of light!

Beat this! FairyEgg's tests came back all clear and her period started. This means that we will be getting a calendar very very soon! Yay! Tomorrow I visit a lawyer to review our contract.  It's getting closer!

xoxo

Wind

My mind, emotions, and even house have been caught up in a whirlwind since this last cycle. Today I think it stopped beating me up. 


Having Fairy Eggs volunteer to help is simply one of the most lovely things I have ever had happen to me. The gratitude I feel towards her is from the bottom of my heart. My heart is filled with love and friendship towards someone who has been there for me since my freshman year of college. While of course we have had our ups and downs, she has always been a constant. And in one of my darkest moments when I couldn't see any light, she brought some to me. She brought light to my future.


At the same time I feel guilty. I feel guilt that she will have to subject her body that she has whipped into shape to bloating and discomfort. I feel bad that her kids lives will be disrupted for the week she's gone. I feel guilty that she'll really miss them during that time. I feel bad that even with a great babysitter to help out that her husband will have his hands full during that time. I feel bad that she has to pull her IUD out soon and go back to condoms! The list goes on. 


I know that she is willing to do all of this for me, and it is irrational to worry about things I can not control. But at the same time, I feel unworthy of what she is willing to do for me. 


Feeling this guilt made me have serious doubts as to whether or not we could pull this donor egg cycle off. Thinking about the logistics started to overwhelm me a little. Then the news about Dr. Leprechaun offering his services came. While part of me was dancing inside, the other part was swirling. Too much stuff I guess.


And at the heart of the matter, I think I was and still am really scared. I'm not new to this IVF game. We have gambled and lost. After this last cycle, I was really despairing. Those of you have been there know how the anger and sadness swirl together into a confusing mess that literally feels like your heart is hurting. When I saw a fellow Blogger's donor cycle start to falter with young, young eggs, I wondered if I knew what I was getting into. Because despite all of the good signs, there are still no guarantees. If the heartache gets worse with every cycle, I will have a hard time climbing out of the depths this time. This is what makes me scared.


But today, I think the whirlwind of all these emotions stopped. 


Sometime this morning, I pulled out my inner Dorothy, slipped into my shoes and pulled myself together. I'm not perfect, but I am surrounded by people who love me, support me, and are willing to help. I need to suck it up and focus on the reason they are doing this for me. Instead of worrying about the details and planning, I need to just be confident in myself because these are things I am good at! I need to appreciate the opportunity for what it is--another chance to try.


So now, now I'm going to get on with it. Hugs to all of you who read and support me! 


xoxo

My Pot of IF Gold

Yes, today I fell into my personal pot of infertility gold. At the moment, I am so amazed at my good fortune, I feel like I'm doing backstrokes through the gold coins with my lucky leprechaun standing by ready to hand me my pomegranate juice.

Because of a family connection, we have become the recipients of a cycle in which the RE will be donating his services to us.

Donating.

To.

Us.

After a five minute phone consultation with him this afternoon, he definitely thinks we should head towards donor eggs. Since FairyEggs is of the advanced maternal age of 33, {evil cackle} Dr. Leprechaun says she is not the ideal candidate. That kind of made me laugh because I can't think of many people that I would prefer to have donate. It made FairyEggs feel old, which she obviously is not! We will be having FairyEggs get her Day 3 FSH, estradiol, and resting antral follicle count from a local clinic. With AF coming soon for her, we should know the deets pretty soon. With this info in hand, Dr. Leprechaun says we can be headed towards our cycle in January.

Whoohoo!

Financially we will be responsible for the anesthesiologist ($575), fertility drugs (@$4k), and a few minor things. At the end, we should be at less than $6k.

We certainly never saw this coming. Since Friday night when we found out about the possibility, I think I have been holding my breath.

I'm very excited for my hubby to get home so I can share the news with him! Yes, I'm a bad wife and told you first!

Cheers and cartwheels!

xoxo

caffeine

I have really been enjoying my caffeine lately. Yep, right after the BFN, I went and ordered a large diet coke. Yum, yum. Loved every drop too. However since our IF direction is unclear right now, I've been severely limiting my intake to desperate times.

These desperate times are pretty pathetic right now. Since I am only teaching my online university classes, I really don't have any schedule I must adhere to. Hmm. That means when I wake up in the morning, eat my cereal and let the dog out, I usually sit down on the coach and get very sleeeepy. Since I am under no pressure, I simply give in and enjoy my delicious nap.

In order for me to actually wake up at a reasonable time, I have to give in to the siren call of caffeine. After all of these years, I still don't really enjoy coffee except for an iced-non-fat latte with a splen.da from Star*bucks. So the only option is a nice sugary coke from my husband's stash. The sugar is a double-bonus since we've stopped buying anything like that.

So with everything up in the air, do I stay away from caffeine? Do I start the crazy healthy diets that have been driving other IF bloggers nutzo? Do I finally go to an acupuncturist now that I have access to one? Does any of this stuff really make a difference? Help me, oh blogger friends!

xoxo

The comfy horse...

Our merry-go-round was a little merrier today. The financial coordinator at my Louisiana RE's office called me back today with the estimate of what the donor egg cycle. Let's just say that they don't have any extra charges besides the tests required by the FDA which will cost, wait for it, $459. In addition, I will need to contact a lawyer to draw up our contract.

My lovely clinic does not split the cycle and charge independently for FairyEgg's treatment and my treatment. They don't squeeze me for every possible dime (or possibly penny) in my pocket. They don't charge a $7800 administrative fee! Yay!

Granted, I know that my doctor is probably one of the most reasonable in the entire United States. In fact the coordinator told me that he hasn't raised his rates in five years since he opened up the clinic. Seriously? Tell me that his focus isn't helping people! I get it, it's a business. I certainly hope he makes a reasonable profit because he works very hard! But at the same time, as a patient, I respect him for his perspective. It kind of restores my faith in people.

So, it looks like we've taken a step closer. We're going to wait for a Day 3 test for FairyEggs sometime this month. Soon I will need to talk to the nurse and figure out how to coordinate and lump together as many tests as possible to keep FairyEggs from flying down there as much as possible. She is a complete trooper about all of this because she's willing to endure the flying and needles that she is none too fond of. At least we will be taking the comfy horse route and going with people I know! I can't wait for her to write some guest blogs!

I'm also really happy that FairyEggs' Mom (whom I adore) will be coming down for the fun during the monitoring and egg retrieval. She'll definitely help keep FairyEggs calm and more relaxed during the process.

In other news, I dyed my hair a bright red color and changed up the style a bit. Red and fun! Maybe it's a girl thing, but there is something so refreshing about doing something new with the hair.  It's certainly helped me feel better and gain a little tiny itty-bitty piece of perspective.

xoxo

**Warning** Couples Retreat

After writing my last post about how quickly the 2ww wait was passing quickly, it stopped moving quite so fast. Pretty much my goal has been to make it through the day without taking two naps. One is okay. Two is just lazy. So, since a girl has to keep busy, my honey and I went to go see the movie "Couples Retreat". 

Seeing the previews, I expected to laugh and enjoy myself completely. I did laugh a lot, but I also cried and I'm not really a movie crier. Why you ask? Without giving anything away, let me tell you. The one couple wants to go to the resort because they are thinking about getting divorced. Here's the best part. The reason they are considering it is because they have been in the infertile game for twelve months and it has taxed their marriage to the point where they don't have fun together anymore. Um yeah, that's a ball of laughs. Really. 

Part of the movie made me cry, simply because the pent up frustration and fears that I have had about infertility. A week or so ago, while we sat at Waffle House {nice and intimate place for this discussion}, I asked my hubby if he would ever leave me because of this. Yes, I was under the influence of hormonal drugs. At the same time though, this is certainly one of my fears. We got married later in life and I presume that part of the reason is because he wanted to have a family. So, I think this is a valid question.

He looked at me like I had grown two heads and said something to this effect:
He loved me.
He didn't marry my ovaries or my uterus.
He married me because he wanted a partner in life, someone to share it with.

One thing that I have always loved about my husband is that he takes his commitment to me seriously. He's had enough time to live the bachelor life and enjoy it, but now he wants (and has) more. I like a man who knows what he wants. And despite all the crap that we are going through, he wants me.

I think that infertility can break a relationship or help it to grow stronger. You certainly don't want it to grow stronger in this way, but the fact is that it can. I thank whatever higher power is out there that I have him in my life.  He makes me a better person. He's taught me how to stick and work through things together. Infertility is one of those things on our journey that is hard.

At the point, I would really love to go wherever the movie was filmed. I know it's not really cold here, but living in Louisiana has made me a complete wimp. I also have a complete lack of winter clothing except for the jackets {since I'm a jacket-wh-ore!}.

Keep warm wherever you are and be prepared if you go see this movie! Also thanks hope4joy and ASP for the lovely award. Love it!

Well...

This morning I woke up to be completely wide awake before the alarm went off. I read my emails and blogs then piddled around and threw my clothes on. The drive was foggy which is a lot of fun when I'm staring through my coke-bottle glasses. However we made it there to find out that I was the only patient in the ART center, so I would be the center of attention.

The same nurse A, managed to get my IV in after only two sticks which was great since they usually do it five times with my rolling veins. We sat and watched "Charmed" and ESPN while we waited for the time to roll around. Hubby got led off to the play room to do his part--my champ! Then off I went rolling in my hospital bed to the procedure room. I climbed on the big bed and went poof--right under into lala land.

I woke up with my dry mouth and immediately asked how many. "Five, all from the right side," hubby said.

I burst into tears. Sobbing. Curled up in a ball. *enter fuzzy fog--the rest of it filled in by hubby*

Apparently, I said to hubby that "I'm broke."

He tried to reason with me, cheer me up, pull out percentages.

Then Nurse A came in and saw me bawling. She said, "it only takes one." Then she went and got Dr. S.

Dr. S came in and told me that five was great for me and about about what he expected. He said other nice things which I can't remember, but did help me to be able to breathe again. He gave my hand a squeeze and left.

I'm sure that I'm over reacting. Everybody else seems happy about it but me (and SuperNurse S who said she almost cried when she found out). I don't get it. The difference between three eggs to five eggs is negligible. I'm hoping that these eggs are mature unlike last time and we will have some, if not more than one, to replace.

Hubby told me later that he wished I would stop beating myself up about my body being broken. That these things aren't my fault. That we will reassess our options if this doesn't work out--nothing is off the table. He is a good man. But he did torture me a little by making me go to Target on the way home to pick up some snacks and feminine things. I got to ride one of the electronic carts. hehe.

I wish this post was more eloquent but, I am just raw, teary, and discouraged. I'll let you know how the fertilization report goes tomorrow.

xoxo

Love Happens

Going to the movies is one of my favorite things to do especially when it's raining outside. Today's choice was "Love Happens," which I expected to be a romcom and found to be something different.

Although it wasn't the best movie I have ever seen, I was really moved by the grief I felt from Aaron Ec.khart's character. He loses his wife in a tragic accident and then struggles, despite the success of helping others overcome their grief, to face the heart of his pain. This depth is locked up tight inside of him as he fakes his way through each day and the necessity of "moving on."

Infertility is something I think we tend to lock up inside of us and don't share with our families and friends. How can we? We smile, work hard, feed the dog, and shoot ourselves full of expensive meds. It is something too painful for everyday dissection. I turned to blogging out of a desperate loneliness to find others who understood. I shared the website with my family and friends so that they could understand without being faced with the social awkwardness. My mom has a hard time reading it because it makes her heart hurt for me. Why does it do this?

Today is a good day filled with good news. But you know the reality of infertility, nothing is guaranteed. My situation in this round is far better than in my first round of IVF, but that doesn't really mean anything because failure, disaster, and disappointment can be right around the corner. Even with my positive thinking, lucky socks, and support from my beloved family, my IRL friends, and my dear blogger friends, this is a truth I have come to accept.

It seems like a similar theme throughout life. With my hubby in the Army, the reality of death in a training exercise or deployment seems to be a risk that I come to terms with. This is something I am sure many spouses of police officers, fire fighters, and other more hands-on jobs have come to accept in their own way. Every time he leaves for a deployment and in the months in between, I feel the pain of a potential loss. I grieve his potential loss in the hopes that if one day it does happen my heart would be hardened enough that I will be able to survive it.

This started on his first deployment, when he told me that he would be calling sporadically since he would be traveling around the country. The next day on the news, there was a report that a helicopter went down. Since we weren't married yet, I wouldn't have been the one to see the green uniforms walk to the door. But around every corner, I expected to see them. I worried until I got his next phone call. After that, I stopped watching the news intently while he was gone. The everyday concern was just a slap in the face. So I avoided the news, and I avoided the pain.

I feel the same way about infertility. But the problem with infertility is that I can't just wait out the twelve months like I do for my husband. I can't avoid the grief that happens with every BFN. I can't stop watching the news with this because babies are in the car next to us on the drive home, in the doctor's office, in the grocery store, in magazines, and moreover woven into the thread of what I expected from life.

I wonder if the pain and grief that accompanies infertility will ever leave. Will the birth of a healthy baby heal some of these wounds? I don't think it will. There will always be the knowledge that this kind of loss is possible.

What I liked most about this movie is the acknowledgement that there is a lingering struggle. Despite what we accept about our lives, there are things that are okay to be worked through. He struggles with the grief even after he has gone through the motions. It's okay. His relationship with friends, family, and even his work strengthen through the journey.

I'd like to think that whichever way this turns out that I'll be a better person. Hopefully, I'll be a better mom. If not, I'd like to think I'll be a better friend, a closer daughter, a more connected wife, and a more understanding person because of the struggle. Infertility will not be my destination, but rather my journey.

I want to cry...

I'm not against crying, but I don't typically cry at the drop of a hat either. In fact I haven't cried at all this year through all of the IUI treatments. But now, when my doctor told me my estrogen level doesn't get a gold star, I do feel a bit like crying. So, I'm now sitting at home on my couch with my dear, dear sister who does get a gold star for going with me on these 5 hour trips there and back.

The goal for day three of the stims is to be at a 100-300 level. I am at 63. So, he's bumping up my meds to 300 iu Follistim and 2 vials of Menepur. It's not even a big setback or anything. But dammit, I am an overachiever! Comm'on now!

My ultrasound showed sixteen follicles perfectly symmetrical with eight on the left and eight on the right. The left range from 8-12 mm and the right from 6-11 mm.

I go back Tuesday for a day six ultrasound and labs. We'll see how the eggies are doing then. For now, I think I'll go take a nap and pet my dogs.

drugs, drugs, drugs

Yesterday was another trip to Lafayette for my ultrasound and blood work. Part of the fun of being married to the military is that the duty stations can be far from a specialist. Yes, this means I have to drive about 2.5 hours each way to go to every single doctor's appointment. Seriously. Driving five hours for a doctor's appointment kind of takes up your whole day! The bonus yesterday is that I had my super-friend and sister with me for support and to alleviate the tedium of driving through the trees and passing the "Bubba Oustalet" or "Adult Superstore" signs. Sigh. Louisiana is funny this way.

I had started getting cranked up about the appointment because I've actually started worrying about the process. That wasn't even on my radar before I started reading everybody else's blogs and seeing how many things can simply cancel the IVF cycle. If this cycle gets cancelled, I'll have to start over with a new RE somewhere else when we move. I need to let my worries go though otherwise, I know the IVF won't work because of the STRESS on my body. Stress = suppressed fertility aka nature's response to danger around a potential mom. Relax, girl!

The appointment itself was absolutely no problem. My US was clear of cysts and labs fine. I don't really get the numbers for the hormones, so I'm going to start tracking them to see where they are so I can ask about where they should be. The great news was that I was able to start my stimulation meds which means: Follistim 200 iu; Menepur 1 amp. I also am keeping up with the Lupron at a reduced 5 ml + and added 81 mg dose Aspirin. I didn't know what the aspirin was for, but apparently they 'think' it increased the blood flow for the blood vessels which aids in the implantation. I was excited to go to Target and buy my little 36 orange flavored pills for a whopping $1.07. I think that is definitely the cheapest med!

This continues until Saturday when I go back for what looks like the marathon run of appointments. Eek! Keep your fingers crossed that my eggs are super-charged!

Why am I not crazy?

Because I took awhile to find my hubby, it seems like I have watched all of my friends get pregnant and have their three kids. Although it might have taken them a few months, inevitably, none of them had a trouble getting knocked up by their adorable husbands. :) I watched them go through the stages of being upset, happy, devastated, hopeful, exhausted, grumpy, hungry, really really hungry, in pain....the list goes on! 

I figured when I started trying I would be a little crazy. But I am not. I can't figure it out because I typically obsess about most things. When I saw that "irrationality" was a listed side effect of one of the drugs I was taking to get pregnant, I figured that I would go a little mental. Of course I have my typical fun moods, but I don't have the kind of craziness I hear about on other people's blogs. Why am I not crazy about something that is so important?

I guess that it just comes down to the fact that I have accepted that I will either get pregnant or not. I don't feel jealous of pregnant women (although it makes me sick whenever I hear of someone not taking care of their child). But for the most part, I'm okay. Isn't that a little strange?

The history...

There are some things that are just strange about being a military wife.  I would call trying to get pregnant while my husband is deployed overseas one of those strange times. Usually getting knocked up while your husband is gone is a bad thing. For us, it has been the running joke we keep hoping will happen. 

So let me give you a rundown on where we have come from. I had DH (dear hubby) home for almost two years between deployments. We started tried to get pregnant the natural way with no success. The on-post doctors put my on Clomid for two cycles while I waited for my referral to the specialist about two hours away from my house. During this time I also had a hysterosalpingogram (HSG) done to make sure there was no physical blockages preventing pregnancy. Analysis of DH showed that he had low-sperm count.

We lucked out and got in early to the specialist by way of a cancellation. The doctor met with us together and immediately got us going. He ran another sperm analysis which was fine and checked me for polycystic ovarian syndrome which was negative. Physically nothing was wrong with us except I seemed to not ovulate on a regular schedule. The next step had to wait for my period to start except when it did I ended up having cysts that which meant I couldn't take the fertility drugs that month. 

In all of this, DH was getting ready to deploy so he gave some "donations" so that I could try when he was gone. So he left. We had a hurricane that day too. Then the next month I tried my first round without him and used the "turkey baster" method, also known as an IUI. I took Follistim for four nights at 75 mg, went in for an ultrasound, took the HCG, and went back for the IUI. It wasn't painful, but rather a slight pinch. 

The worst part of the whole thing was walking into the waiting room by myself. Driving two and half hours to get to the doctor, I stepped in right on time to find the whole room full of couples. As it was Saturday, everybody came at the same time for the IUIs. I was the last one called in, and I just felt alone. My husband called while I was sitting there by chance. He had completely zoned out that it was the day because his days seem to just run together a lot.  Poor guy. 

So pretty much for the rest of the year, it has been a rinse and repeat of this cycle including all of the months where I had cysts that were too big and required a month of rest. Then the donations ran out. 

Unfortunately, it's not like I can dial up my husband and ask him to come home. After a lot of working, we have him coming home for R & R  in a month or so. He'll have to go back, and so I'll be facing the process alone again. But I guess that is just the life of a military wife. It scares me because we're moving on to the next step of IVF. 

Shelling out that kind of money is scary, but I've been working a second job all year to pay for it. We'll see what's coming.

Until next time...