Anxiety

Lately I've been swimming in a haze of anxiety which completely pisses me off.

Diving into school while taking care of Baby E sounded like a great idea before I actually tried to do it. The traditional class that I'm taking is mostly under control. However, the correspondence course is kicking my butt. At first I thought the class would be great as the syllabus showed five projects to complete at my own pace. Yet when I actually dived into the work, I realized in the first project 1) that the five documents to read actually totaled 500 pages, and 2) I have absolutely no frame of reference as I know nothing about rural Alaska or the Native Alaskans. To top it off, the assignments all center around the idea that I'm working in a classroom somewhere in Alaska, which I am obviously not. Needless to say, it makes the 90% of the assignment theoretical for me based upon what I can glean from my local district's website. It's beyond frustrating. What also peeves me out is that I got a 14/15 or 93% on my first assignment without any explanation as to where my 7% went. Does he know how hard I worked on that paper? Beh.

Anyway, when I get anxious about an assignment then it takes me a billion years to write it.
So now I'm behind.
And I'm stressing.
Because it's virtually impossible for me to write in the short breaks I have during the day.
Because I'm taking care of my son.
My beautiful, happy son who is my own personal definition of joy.
And I'm teaching my online classes.
And I'm making dinner.
And I'm trying to keep my pretty new house from becoming grubby.
And I have no friends here.
And I've gained five pounds from stress eating.
And so I've turned into this anxious ball of STRESS!

So I've stopped trying to actually write any of my assignments during the week and am instead just focused on getting my immense pile of readings done. I hopped onto the treadmill and started walking again. These simple things have made me feel so much better.

I just want to be a mom who is present, calm, and put together. I don't want to be stressed out and distracted. I want to cherish every moment I have with this kid and not feel guilty or pressured to do something else. He's just the best, and he deserves me to be at my best.

I certainly don't want to grump at my hubby either.

So I'm working on getting this all under control.

xoxo

drugs, drugs, drugs

Yesterday was another trip to Lafayette for my ultrasound and blood work. Part of the fun of being married to the military is that the duty stations can be far from a specialist. Yes, this means I have to drive about 2.5 hours each way to go to every single doctor's appointment. Seriously. Driving five hours for a doctor's appointment kind of takes up your whole day! The bonus yesterday is that I had my super-friend and sister with me for support and to alleviate the tedium of driving through the trees and passing the "Bubba Oustalet" or "Adult Superstore" signs. Sigh. Louisiana is funny this way.

I had started getting cranked up about the appointment because I've actually started worrying about the process. That wasn't even on my radar before I started reading everybody else's blogs and seeing how many things can simply cancel the IVF cycle. If this cycle gets cancelled, I'll have to start over with a new RE somewhere else when we move. I need to let my worries go though otherwise, I know the IVF won't work because of the STRESS on my body. Stress = suppressed fertility aka nature's response to danger around a potential mom. Relax, girl!

The appointment itself was absolutely no problem. My US was clear of cysts and labs fine. I don't really get the numbers for the hormones, so I'm going to start tracking them to see where they are so I can ask about where they should be. The great news was that I was able to start my stimulation meds which means: Follistim 200 iu; Menepur 1 amp. I also am keeping up with the Lupron at a reduced 5 ml + and added 81 mg dose Aspirin. I didn't know what the aspirin was for, but apparently they 'think' it increased the blood flow for the blood vessels which aids in the implantation. I was excited to go to Target and buy my little 36 orange flavored pills for a whopping $1.07. I think that is definitely the cheapest med!

This continues until Saturday when I go back for what looks like the marathon run of appointments. Eek! Keep your fingers crossed that my eggs are super-charged!