Threads

**For those who are coming for the first time, this post is about my lovely friend Fairyeggs who donated her eggs to me for our third IVF cycle. I wrote about how I felt about our relationship after I took my son E to North Carolina to meet her and her family for the first time when he was one.**

Before I went to North Carolina to visit with Fairyeggs, I had a brief moment where I wondered if physically seeing little E would change the wonderful balance we have now. This was a veeeeery brief moment. Our friendship has remained consistent through tornadoes, snowstorms, broken down buses, a car accident, living in different countries, children, and dating boys. Of course we would be just fine! It's only human nature to have a wandering thought or two which is why she had a moment of questioning too.

In reality, we have an even stronger friendship than we did prior to little E.

Now there is something between our families that stretches like a gossamer thread. It's a thread so faintly visible that most people barely perceive it, but you can feel it as it brushes across your face. There are threads that run between me, Fairyeggs, our moms and dads, our sisters, our husbands and our kids. It comes from the shared experience from the start of infertility treatments until now. Since I have always shared what we were going through, my family and hers were there for all of the ups and downs.

When we talked about it over Mexican food and margaritas, we agreed that we don't define E's relationship traditionally. By this I mean that neither of us think she is "mom." Similarly, we don't view her kids as siblings with little E. Yet at the same time, there is this connection which we've decided is more like cousins, but not exactly....? Although he's not really talking yet, we decided to have little E call her by the name that her niece and nephew currently use which I think is ridiculously sweet. The role of auntie fits, but is also not inclusive enough. :)

The feeling I left with from the trip was just an overwhelming feeling of love, acceptance, and family. I personally have no term for the woman who gave me this beautiful incredible baby boy. I'm just really grateful to have her and everyone around her in our lives.

xoxo

socially acceptable

Today is the first day that it is socially acceptable to be excited for Christmas. So today I give you a big WOOHOO as the tree is now up!

Since my side of the family didn't grow up celebrating Christmas, it still seems like a novelty to me to have the cheery decorations strewn about the house. For my parents, it's still a relatively new thing to help me decorate the day after Thanksgiving. So, I think it's kind of special. Grin.

I absolutely abhor shopping with herds of people so on Black Friday I happily hide in my house while others wait in the freezing cold. Have at it people! Enjoy those bargains. I'm not really sure how much we are buying for Christmas this year. Last year we kept it really low key as we were in between IVFs 2 and 3. This year will probably be the same with some small things for each of us. Even with baby E, I don't want to clutter the house up with a billion things he won't use. So we'll get a few first Christmas toys and just celebrate being with him.

My ta-tas are now tingling so I'm off to pump...moo. Christmas is coming!

xoxo

How do you thank a person for this?

Just a few minutes ago I received a card from Fairyegg's mother. During this whole journey, we have had not only had the incredible gift from Fairyegg's herself, but the support of her whole family - hubby, mom, dad, and sister. They have literally been cheering me on through cards, texts, emails, and happy thoughts from the very get go. You can see clearly how her generosity and love have come naturally to her as it is clearly demonstrated in the words and actions of her family.

Now that I hold baby E in my arms, I am more humbled and thankful for her gift from a depth in my heart that I didn't know existed. How do you thank a person for something that can't be adequately expressed through words or gifts? How do you thank an entire family for what they have shared with you?

All I know is that I will not squander this gift that I have been given. The gift is more than my son, it;s also the love and bond between our families.

xoxo

Bedrest Chronicles Day 49

Happy ICLW! For those of you who are visiting for the first time you can find my history on the sidebar to the right.

I've been home from the hospital for twelve days now. Coming home has been like sliding into my comfy sheets on my bed -- warm and comforting. Having my dog Sweetpea following me around during the day from couch to bed is just the icing on the cake as being without her is like missing a member of my family. Besides, she's a great foot warmer.

On Saturday I switched one good thing for another as my sister flew home and my dad came up to Anchorage. I had such a good time just hanging out with my her during the week as we watched TV, she cleaned, cooked, and organized the baby's room. She did this despite the fact that she has a strained achilles and sprained ankle that isn't exactly healing correctly. My dad has already pulled out his comfort food by making me homemade biscuits on both Sunday and Monday. Since I'm trying not to be a glutton, I didn't have him make them today. :)

Meanwhile back at home in California, my mom has been busy running my sister and dad to and from the airport while holding down the fort there. I have to tell you that she won the teacher of the year award for this school year for her district. Yesterday, the county celebrated all of the district teachers of the year in a big ceremony in which none of the family could attend because of all of this switcheroo to take care of me. We wished we could have been there to support her, but she sacrificed this so I could not be in the hospital. :) We are SO proud of her!

My family just keeps coming through for me on so many levels. This doesn't happen for everyone so I'm just flat out grateful that I have them to unconditionally love me...broken eggs and all. I know this sounds incredibly sappy but I think that sometimes we forget to think about the things that are really fundamentally good in our lives. Between my husband, my family, Fairyeggs and my other friends and family, I'm just lucky. Baby E might not have had an easy or traditional path of coming to be, but he is coming into a family where he is already loved to bits.

For the first time in this pregnancy, I feel like we are actually going to make it to the finish line.

Our goal is to make it to 37 weeks when my doc will remove the cerclage and my cervix will probably return to a five centimeter dilation. The nurses tell me this does not mean I'll go into labor immediately. What? lol. I can't imagine that Baby E won't drop straight out at that point.

Hope all is well with you.

xoxo

Visits Galore

I feel so remiss in my blogging in that I can't keep up with all of my visits and fun! Let's summarize:


Last week I recovered from my trip to New Hampshire and Boston with a quick day to turn around a pile of finals and then a run to St. Louis to pick up Fairyeggs! This was just a quick trip in for a few days which is perfect so that she doesn't start to pine for her kids too much!! We had a fantastic time eating at PF Changs and registering for my baby paraphernalia. I loved having her there and simply registered for everything she told me to! I figure that I am clueless and after three kids, she is a pro. We spent a good four hours at the store going through each aisle. I even took notes. Geesh, I am such a dork. 


The best part of the visit is that we talked about our feelings for this baby. Fairyeggs was actually a wee bit nervous to see how things had changed. To both our delights, I think that we are both headed along the same lines. This experience has given us this inexplicable tie between our families. My parents and sister are so infinitely grateful for her gift and also had a chance to get to know Fairyegg's mom and daughter whom they adore. Fairyegg's mom and sister have both followed me through my entire journey and have cried with happiness over our success. Now more than ever, I feel this tie to her family whom I always loved.  It's like they have moved into the realm of those family friends who are truly part of your family. I am so lucky to have all of them.


After Fairyeggs departed, I turned around to unsuccessfully grade my next set of finals and ended up sleeping the day away instead. No matter! I picked myself up the following day to drive the four hours to visit my grandma. I haven't mentioned this here, but we found out a couple of months ago that she had uterine cancer. After a surgery, we found out that radiation was also needed which she just completed last week. For my infinitely healthy grandma in her eighties, we were all pretty shocked with the news. Since we moved so close to her, I haven't actually been able to get down to see her. First there was the holidays, trips to California, pregnancy, and endless nausea. With the nausea, there was absolutely no way I could make the drive as I could barely take fifteen minutes in the car. Needless to say, I finally got down to see her which was lovely. I love her dearly. All of my cousins, aunt, and uncle who live there also made the time to come over and see me which I appreciated. It's so nice seeing all of my cousins as adults. 


I finally hauled myself back home and am now desperately putting off grading finals. However, I must get to it! The move has creeped up on us, and the movers come right after Memorial Day! One week people! We'll leave the following week for our trip and new adventure in Alaska! 


xoxo

What IF?

Project "What IF" has started over at Mel's Stirrup Queen site. Here is my "what if" down at comment 201:


What IF I had never been brave enough to face using donor eggs? What IF I had never had a friend like FairyEggs who loved me enough to give me her eggs?


There are literally so many "what if" questions you ask yourself while navigating the world of IF. These two questions are happy questions for me in a time where I've been asking myself some very tough questions. 


Feelings associated with the infertility process have not simply disappeared with my apparent success at getting knocked up.  For me, with using donor eggs, I'm finally working through some of the aspects of what to tell my child. While I won't be meeting my child for awhile, this came up when my sister mentioned scrapbooking some of the pictures of Fairyeggs and I out in California. It's a seemingly innocuous thing however it could have enormous implications in the future with identifying my donor. 


Most of you know that I have been extremely open about my struggles with infertility. When it would come up in conversation, I was simply straight forward with people. When it came to using donor eggs, we weren't quite so forthcoming and kind of just left it as another IVF try to most people except close friends and family. I'm not ashamed of using donor eggs, however, it seemed like just another thing to explain.


Fairyegg's privacy was also an issue initially. Would people look at my child askance when we were visiting together? Would people question if my child was really hers? Both of had lots of questions that we didn't have answers for when we first chose to move forward with egg donation. However, like anything in our friendship, we would just deal with it as it came as there was no way to foresee what might arise. Later in the process, Fairyeggs' started not really caring what people thought as she became more comfortable with the idea.


In my research on the topic of disclosing the fact that my child was conceived during egg donation, I have learned that like adopted children, if it's not a shock, then it's not really a big deal. When children find out about circumstances of their birth that differ from what is "normal," they often feel betrayed and disillusioned. However, if a child is told from the get go, it seems like it simply part of their story and not really that big of a deal. Knowing this, I have always planned to disclose this to my child, so I never had to hide it during pediatrician visits. 


What I didn't know though was whether or not I would tell them who the donor was. I figured that simply creating a profile sheet on Fairyeggs would be appropriate so my child would know their medical and cultural history. However I wonder with everyone who knows if eventually the information would be disclosed accidently. I certainly do not want this to happen! Similarly, I would never want my child to dream about a fantasy life with his or her genetic mother. Disclosing this early usually prevents this kind of situation which I would like to avoid. 


This of course brings up further questions with what kind of relationship my child has with Fairyeggs and how my child views Fairyegg's kids and family....do you see the tangle this creates? So, I brought this up on the Parents Via Egg Donation (PVED) website where I got some advice. The fact of the matter is that my child will take his or her cue from how my husband and I act. If we treat it like normal, then more than likely so will the child. Explaining that my eggs didn't work and I had someone who loved me so she gave me some of hers so I could have a baby, could be very matter of fact. Understanding his or her relationship with Auntie Fairyeggs could also be pretty normal.


I thought the hardest thing about being pregnant was going to be getting pregnant. However, the questions and feeling have obviously not stopped. I am forever grateful that I have the chance to make these decisions even if they are hard for me. I am thankful that I had the strength to let go of my genetics so I could have a family. Moreover, I am forever indebted to Fairyeggs for her gift and her friendship that allows me to have a choice about these issues. 


xoxo

FairyEggs departure...for now

This is Fairy Eggs here with a Woot Woot! We are thrilled with the results even though I am a "bad egg donor." In your face with advanced maternal age!!! I am coming down off of the hormone roller coaster and very excited to see my family again after 10 days. I have had a great time here with Jenicini's family and now it is time to go home and see my own. I am so appreciative of her Mom and Dad and Sister for treating me like family and accepting my moods.

I am also very thankful that I have a family that is so supportive of what we have done.  I couldn’t have done this without all of their support and understanding. Thanks Mom for not listening to me about it being too much to come out.  Thanks for the help with Tink! I couldn’t have done it without everyone because Tink is crazy! I also have to think of something really awesome to do for my husband because he was the one who encouraged me to do this in the first place.  Any ideas? 

I also appreciate all of the support from other bloggers.  You keep us buoyed with your great thoughts and wishes.  I have thoroughly enjoyed coming to know some of you through your blogs and wish everyone success in the crazy fertility world!  I will be lurking……..

xoxo

Family & Cycle Update

The whole point of this journey is to grow our family. So it seems so ironic that now, right now is when we lose someone. My brother-in-law did pass away on Monday a few minutes after they removed the respirator. I'm so glad that two of his kids were there to be with him in his final moments. They are planning to do a memorial service sometime in the upcoming months when all of the family can get together. I know that there is anger and sadness amongst the family, so I hope that by that time, some of the anger will have passed. My nephew was incredibly sweet in telling me that we could wait until I was done with this cycle so I could be there, since I'm family.

Today I was thinking about the loss of my BIL in terms of our future family. Some of my favorite memories as a kid are with my aunts, uncles, and numerous cousins. Towel fights, fourth of July firecrackers, thanksgiving meals, lots of hugs and head rumples... I'm sad that my kids won't know their crazy uncle and whatever fun he would have had.

****

Our cycle is indeed continuing on schedule. FairyEggs wrote me an email the other night saying she felt like a pincushion. I laughed knowing exactly the feeling. Her first bruise came to visit on day three thanks to some handy work by her husband. I mean that in the nicest of ways since I always had several little bruises dotting my stomach! The other good news is she's feeling swollen and the muffin top is starting to come to visit! I'm hoping that this is a good sign that the drugs are in fact working. Wheee! It's torture to wait until day seven to see how the follies are doing! Torture I tell you!

Tonight I got to do my own little twist for my delestrogen shot on my right upper butt cheek since hubby was at a night class. Hehe. Apparently he is better at it that I am since I immediately spurted some vampire juice and he has yet to breech a vein. Hmmph.

In two days we'll be heading to California....then the fun will really start!

xoxo

FairyEggs

Here I am again!  This is real!  We are going through with this!  Sometimes it still feels unreal that fifteen years after meeting J that we will be going through this together.  I think this makes us related now.  I feel like she is my sister, so now we can just make it official! 

I am excited and admittedly a little nervous.  I will be taking crazy drugs (that I heard will make me a bit fat and have a mean headache) and leaving my family for ten days.  I have never been away from my husband that long in the ten years we have been married.  Not to mention the two other kids I will be leaving at home.  Thankfully I have a great friend who will be keeping them and is hugely supportive and a WONDERFUL husband who thinks this is a great idea! 

I also have to say thanks to the entire family who will be putting up with me, Tink and my mom for a very long time.  Hopefully we will be the best house guests ever!!!  My school has been extremely understanding and wishes everyone the best of luck.  It is amazing the support I have been getting from them.  I found out our assistant principal went through the exact same thing and ended up adopting a little girl.  You never know who you will meet that will endure the heartache that so many of you have felt.  I hope that this act will not only help a wonderful man and woman to be parents, but that everyone has hope of someone giving the gift to you, whether it is through adoption, egg donation or just support and understanding.  After reading several of your blogs, I wish the same for all of you.  I have a whole new perspective on infertility that I never had to think of and I am a better person for having been directly involved in the process.

Wish us luck!   Does anyone think that acupuncture will help me with making good healthy sticky eggs?

xoxo

Darn good day...

What defines a pretty darn good day in my life? Being able to kiss my husband and hug my parents is it.

Usually when I'm in California visiting the family and friends, my hubby is off in the sandbox, training, in command, or endless number of other Army related reasons. Although I'd rather have him with me rather than not, I get it. Since the beginning, we've been fairly independent even in our relationship together because lived in separate cities for several years. But as much as this is true, it's simply fun to have him here with me to go see my friends and hang out with the family and built the memories with these people.

My family is incredibly close to my heart. There is something fantastic about appreciating my parents as people. I enjoy spending time with them. Having parents like this is special, and I feel truly lucky to have them. My sister is the other addition to this fun, as she is one of my best friends. After living with each other for most of our lives and then living together for five years as adults....you get the picture! They make it easy to understand love.

So being able to roll over and kiss my hubby in the morning then run downstairs and give the folks a squeeze....pretty darn good in my book!

And for the reason why we are in California, hubby gets to visit the doctor for some collection of the sperm goo. Whoo! With him being tied up in school by the time we do our DE-IVF, this goo will be going to our future embies. Hope these spermies are champs!

One of the best things today was the reality that Dr. Leprechaun is doing our cycle pro bono. When we went to check out, it was "You're all set. Have a nice day!"  The generosity astounded me in theory, but now it's actually happening. This is our silver lining on our IF cloud.

I feel like a lucky girl. In the midst of everything we face, I am glad that we have days like today.

Floozy Pictures

Today my mother served as the madam of her flock of floozies. hahaha!

One of my favorite pictures as a kid was the old-time tin photo my family took at Sil.verDollar.City in Bran.son. I've always thought we looked a little bit like the pilgrims in fact. You can still see my sister's freckles in the picture as well as my round little four-year-old face. So since we are in the area, we decided to update this shot.

Of course now that we are older and wiser, we thought the appropriate background would be a saloon with floozies and gunslingers! The first costume I put on my husband sent me back to change for one with more cleavage. Boys. The second was this red skirted outfit with black ruffles and just a peek-a-boo of the girls. Perfect! My sister opted for a blue and black lace dress with the perfect little feather adorning her red curls. Mom definitely hit the jackpot in her red and black madam outfit. Hubby and dad both donned gunslinger apparel and sat playing poker. Classic!

How about that family picture? Yep, this one is slightly unconventional.

xoxo