Thankfully Ticked

Thankfully ticked pretty much describes how I feel this weekend. I am so ever grateful that I am still pregnant. My little plum still has a heartbeat and is still wiggling around inside of me. When I laid in my bed with tears streaming down my face, this was all I wanted. So, I'm thankful for this fact.

On the other hand, I am a little ticked too.

Today I hit twelve weeks which is the informal magical mark where normal fertile people feel comfortable telling everyone under the sun they are pregnant. Before Friday, I had planned to make a fun FB announcement to tell people beyond my inner circle. Obnoxious? Probably, but I feel like I have earned the right to be share my happiness. I thought I would throw something in there subtlety about IF to simply to make sure  that any hidden IFers out there didn't feel horrible. I digress.

Why does this make me ticked?

Part of me finally was settling into being pregnant and accepting that this might actually work. You know, like a normal person? However the bloody incident threw me right back into the world of uncertainty and superstition. For me the uncertainty makes me feel numb about the pregnancy. Knowing that I have to guard my heart tightly makes me shut off any of the happier emotions about the situation and puts me back in survival mode.

There's enough life in me left that this ticks me off! I hate that my infertility has robbed me of another happy moment and replaced it with fear. I'm holding off on making any announcements until I start feeling comfortable again.

So now I remain, thankful but ticked.

xoxo

Baby is Okay

The docs have no idea what made me bleed so profusely, however, the baby still has a heartbeat and was waving at us when they did the ultrasound. Big huge sigh of relief over here. My blood pressure was surprisingly low despite being anxious and having a headache + my usual white coat syndrome. Once we got in the room the nurse tried futilely to try to find the heartbeat with the doppler. Let me tell you that sucked. The doc came in with the ultrasound and thankfully announced that they could see the heartbeat. I had my eyes closed because I couldn't see the monitor anyway. We are all so relieved.

Thank you so much for your supportive comments. I was really freaking out inside. I read your comments as they popped up on my iphone and they got me through....thanks.

xoxo

What's Next?

I must say that I have been literally showered with congratulations over the past few days from my lovely friends who read here. Each comment just brings this warmth to me that makes me smile every single time. I have heard the most delightful tears of joy over the phone from both coasts and places dotted in between. Meanwhile, I'm delighting in these moments even when I feel a little nauseous or sleepy because it makes it ever so slightly possible for me that this is indeed real.

I am pregnant.

If I write it enough times, it might actually be true.

Now for me the question is what comes next? My nurse in California finally called to give me the positive pregnancy steps to follow including slight changes to my medication. These things I know how to handle. Inject this, swallow this, carefully place that! However, she also followed this up with you need a six week ultrasound on 3/8, an eight week ultrasound on 3/22 and a ten weeker on 4/5. Of course they are in California and I am here in Missouri so I have to figure out if I can convince my new OB to give them to me and write some medical reason so that I do not have to pay for them. I have great insurance, so I figure now it's time for it to kick in. Even these things are pretty simple to deal with though.

What I really wonder though is, what's next? What's the next thing I need to prepare to guard my heart against so I don't fall apart when it happens? I know the first hurdle is the heartbeat, so this is the step I'm focusing on and I'll figure the rest out later. However, I feel almost bad for being worried. It's like I've made it to the Olympics which is a huge step in and by itself. But, now I have to figure out how to get through my short and long programs. You can't worry that you're at the Olympics right?

I don't mean to whine or complain, but I'm just flat out scared and elated all at the same time. It's like the time Sweetpea ran off in the woods when she was little. I ran miles on the trails trying to find her, only to return to my house to find her at the top of the stairs, panting, and waiting to be let in. I wanted to strangle her and hug her at the same time. This feels very much the same.

Thank you for hanging in here with me. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

BTW the due date is estimated for 11/1 by the doc and 10/30 by my IVF calculator!