So finally after a week of faux bleeding, my period finally started. I was pretty darn giddy with relief that I could finally email my doctor and get what will most likely be my last calendar ever. It's been almost a year since our last FET, and I'm beyond ready to get this show on the road!
Since the last time I wrote about hope, I have found myself completely filled with it. I've decided to let go and just allow myself to be. In all honesty, I have every reason to be hopeful about our chances this time. After all, we have two stellar embryos sitting in the freezer.
Right now I'm sitting here with my first shot done, tickets are purchased for E and I to go out to California, and one for Granny to come back to Kansas with us so I can take it easy until my beta.
Please keep me in mind, I could use all of the good thoughts, vibes, and prayers that you've got!
Transfer is on September 18th!
xoxo
Friday, August 30, 2013
Thursday, August 8, 2013
Hope Rising
One of the most dangerous feeling for me is hope.
On most days I dare not allow myself the luxury of indulging in it, but lately I've found myself unable to avoid it.
Earlier this summer when I had the chance to visit IVFlygirl, I found myself telling her of my plans of going back to work next year if I don't get pregnant. The moment the words left my mouth I felt mortified that even with her I couldn't let myself hope aloud.
I'm pretty sure that I immediately blurted out that, of course this was the plan only if our last transfer didn't work and that making plans was how I coped.
She generously took the remarks in stride, and we kept chatting.
But the truth is that, I want to have another child.
I want this with an incredible intensity.
Last week I was able to convince my doctor to allow me to have an endometrial scratch in the hopes of increasing my odds with our next FET . Although he doesn't include them in his typical cycle, I sent him an impassioned email explaining that I felt like we had to do something to change the protocol. Once he agreed, I had to jump through some hoops to get it done locally on the right day.
The moment I hung up the phone from getting my appointment scheduled, I felt this unfurling in my gut. It was hope rising in me.
Since that day, I've been trying to keep the hope tamped down.
Yeah, that's not working so well.
xxx
On most days I dare not allow myself the luxury of indulging in it, but lately I've found myself unable to avoid it.
Earlier this summer when I had the chance to visit IVFlygirl, I found myself telling her of my plans of going back to work next year if I don't get pregnant. The moment the words left my mouth I felt mortified that even with her I couldn't let myself hope aloud.
I'm pretty sure that I immediately blurted out that, of course this was the plan only if our last transfer didn't work and that making plans was how I coped.
She generously took the remarks in stride, and we kept chatting.
But the truth is that, I want to have another child.
I want this with an incredible intensity.
Last week I was able to convince my doctor to allow me to have an endometrial scratch in the hopes of increasing my odds with our next FET . Although he doesn't include them in his typical cycle, I sent him an impassioned email explaining that I felt like we had to do something to change the protocol. Once he agreed, I had to jump through some hoops to get it done locally on the right day.
The moment I hung up the phone from getting my appointment scheduled, I felt this unfurling in my gut. It was hope rising in me.
Since that day, I've been trying to keep the hope tamped down.
Yeah, that's not working so well.
xxx
Thursday, August 1, 2013
Finally
After over a month of packing, traveling, vacationing, waiting and unpacking, we are finally settled into our new house in Kansas.
Let me sum up the big trip...
xoxo
Let me sum up the big trip...
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| May 27 first day on post in RV camp...goodbye house. |
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| May 28: the moose who walked into our campsite and later came back for a snack. |
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| May 29: E chilling at camp |
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| May 30: playing at a park on base. |
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| May 31: playing at a park near our camp. Did you know that parks with rocks make kids FILTHY! |
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| June 1: Friend's birthday party gave him a chance to hit his first piñata! |
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| June 2: The USO presents Sesame Street. We sat in the front row for Elmooooo! |
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| June 3: At another park, E made another friend. This one sat on top of his legs and kissed him! |
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| June 4: Parents fly in to Anchorage. Took a little tourist time to find this view. |
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| June 5: My last drive from Anchorage to Wasilla. |
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| June 6: Figuring out the ice machine as we get ready to head out. |
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| June 7: You can drive for miles and not see a soul until you hit roadwork...and a good gas station. Anchorage to Tok, Alaska |
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| June 8: Me. See ya later Alaska! Tok, Alaska and Haines Junction, Yukon, Canada |
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| June 9: E and I taking a break by the water's edge. Watson Lake to Ft Nelson. |
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| June 10: Mountains. Drizzle. Beautiful! Fort Nelson to Fort St. John |
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| More June 10: See that black thing on the right? That's a bear grazing on the side of the road! He was one of the ten bears (8 black/2 grizzlies) we saw hanging out along with a herd of buffalo, wild black swans, rock goats, a moose, and a porcupine! |
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| June 11: A sweet moment before bed. Fort St. John to Grande Cache |
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| June 12: driving through Jasper National Park Grande Cache to Lake Louise, Alberta |
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| June 13: Lake Louise to Fort MacLeod, Alberta |
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| June 14: Back in the US! Fort MacLeod, AB, Canada to Melrose, Montana |
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| June 15: We went swimming in the Great Salt Lake along with a gazillion gnats and there are buffalo here! Melrose, Montana to Antelope Island State Park, Utah |
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| June 16: Looooook! Antelope Island to Bryce Canyon, Utah |
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| June 17: "The big ditch" says my hubby. Bryce Canyon to the Grand Canyon National Park, Arizona |
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| June 18: Driving. Grand Canyon to Moab, Utah |
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| June 19: Arches National Park Moab, Utah to Fort Collins, CO |
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| June 20: Cousins! What you can't see in this picture is that E is sharing a seat with one of his six second cousins who are all boys!!! Fort Collins, CO |
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| June 21: The vintage farm my favorite aunt sent home with us. Every day she set out new toys for E to play with on this table. She's the best! Fort Collins, CO |
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| June 22: We got to meet IVFlyGirl and her family for the first time! Colorado |
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| More June 22: the most delicious guacamole with mango, strawberry, and goat cheese. Seriously good! Fort Collins, CO |
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| June 23: Whoa this place is flat. Fort Collins, CO to Hays, Kansas |
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| June 24: Mommy, I'm home! Hays to Leavenworth, Kansas |
Thursday, June 6, 2013
Leaving Home
Over the last couple of weeks, life has been changing constantly. At first, we lived out of the leftovers in our house as the packers slowly boxed and crated everything. Then we hunkered down on an air mattress in E's room. Next we left our house and lived for a week in the RV. After that came our five days in Army lodging. And now? Now we are finally leaving.
We've known for months that this was coming, but for some reason the emotions and reality of it all didn't hit until this past week.
My friends, who I largely met through an amazing mom's group, arranged a fancy dinner at my favorite place to eat in town. We ate and laughed until our stomachs ached. While I'm usually pretty good at good-byes, I started to realize that night how much I was going to miss them and their kids!
I've fought back the urge to cry numerous times in both memorable and random places. For example, today I was walking through Costco avoiding the crazy tester table crowds, when I got all choked up as thinking about how this was my last day in Anchorage. Who does that? When we pulled out of our house for the final time, I just kept thinking about how this was the place where I brought my baby home to...the first place that was filled by his smiles and giggles.
Beyond all of these memories, I'm just going to miss the sheer beauty of Alaska that I got to see every day just while driving.
Of course, I can't forget the occasionally surprises of wildlife which make my heart race.
Alaska to Kansas
(our actual route happens to be a little more fun than this)
We've known for months that this was coming, but for some reason the emotions and reality of it all didn't hit until this past week.
My friends, who I largely met through an amazing mom's group, arranged a fancy dinner at my favorite place to eat in town. We ate and laughed until our stomachs ached. While I'm usually pretty good at good-byes, I started to realize that night how much I was going to miss them and their kids!
I've fought back the urge to cry numerous times in both memorable and random places. For example, today I was walking through Costco avoiding the crazy tester table crowds, when I got all choked up as thinking about how this was my last day in Anchorage. Who does that? When we pulled out of our house for the final time, I just kept thinking about how this was the place where I brought my baby home to...the first place that was filled by his smiles and giggles.
Beyond all of these memories, I'm just going to miss the sheer beauty of Alaska that I got to see every day just while driving.
Of course, I can't forget the occasionally surprises of wildlife which make my heart race.
Most of all I'm just surprised at how I feel like I'm leaving my home and not just another duty station. How is it possible that despite three years of record setting weather, I'm still so sad to leave?
Tomorrow morning our caravan will be pulling out and heading towards Tok for one final night on Alaskan soil...
Here comes the next adventure peeps.
xoxo
Monday, May 20, 2013
It's been awhile....
It's been awhile since I've visited this space. Frankly, I was a little depressed, then a little cranky, then super vacation busy, and now crazed from our move. I was pretty sure that if I blogged, cranky posts would have ruled. So I just avoided it.
The month of depression was January. The combination of freezing temperatures and dark dark days slapped me upside the head after the holidays. Seriously, having about five hours of lackluster sunlight per a day messes with my mind. While I love Alaska, I will not miss the month of January! The event that catupulted me into the depression was finding out that if we sold our house, we would be paying for all of the realtor fees and selling costs out of pocket. That was not in my master plan.
After I finally dug myself out of my dark hole and started looking for property managers to rent out my house, we were already into February. The estimates of what we could rent our house out for and the terrible terms of most of the property managers made me incredibly cranky. At the same time, I was looking for weeks to see if I could get a Space-A* flight out of Alaska to somewhere in California. While usually flight would run every week, there was a dry spell where nothing was going to the right side of the country. I was miserable and desperately hoping to get home for a little love from my family.
Finally a flight to SoCal hit the rotation and I was elated. I packed my bags, loaded E up, made it on the flight, and settled onto the C-17 only to have my son scream bloody murder for the hour we were delayed on the runway. We got off before it departed. The lesson I learned? Practice using earplugs before the trip or invest in some heavy duty noise canceling headphones. :D
With Space-A firmly relegated to something we should do when E is older, I bit the bullet and booked two tickets to spend three weeks in California.
By then it was March. While I was eagerly waiting for my trip, I got a call that my mom fell while substituting and broke her hip. Although she's 65, my mom is NOT old enough for something like that to happen! Thankfully, she's a trooper and dealt with her surgery, subsequent infection and jumped right into her PT.
The same night that I found out about my mom, E made his own trip to the ER when he tumbled out of a shopping cart. When it happened, I was horribly upset with myself. However, now that I know he's fine, it's simmered down to out-right mortification.
Finally in late March, we flew to California where we played in the sun, hit lots of parks, got together with old friends, hit Disneyland and spent lots n' lots of time soaking up time with the fam. I can't even tell you how much the trip just rejuvenated me. At the same time, the time with my family and friends made me miss being around people with whom I have deep connections.
When we got home in April, we immediately started getting ready for our big move to Kansas. Since the snow stuck around so long this year, we've been really busting through the outdoor maintenance we needed to do before our new tenants move in. Time has passed so quickly and now the movers are coming tomorrow. I can't believe it's already here!
Anyway, thanks for hanging around and being patient with my lack of posts.
xoxo
*For those not familiar with military-speak, Space-A is one of the privileged perks to military families where we hop on the extra space of flights that the Air Force is running a mission on. It's not super easy or comfy, but it can get you places for almost nothing!
The month of depression was January. The combination of freezing temperatures and dark dark days slapped me upside the head after the holidays. Seriously, having about five hours of lackluster sunlight per a day messes with my mind. While I love Alaska, I will not miss the month of January! The event that catupulted me into the depression was finding out that if we sold our house, we would be paying for all of the realtor fees and selling costs out of pocket. That was not in my master plan.
After I finally dug myself out of my dark hole and started looking for property managers to rent out my house, we were already into February. The estimates of what we could rent our house out for and the terrible terms of most of the property managers made me incredibly cranky. At the same time, I was looking for weeks to see if I could get a Space-A* flight out of Alaska to somewhere in California. While usually flight would run every week, there was a dry spell where nothing was going to the right side of the country. I was miserable and desperately hoping to get home for a little love from my family.
Finally a flight to SoCal hit the rotation and I was elated. I packed my bags, loaded E up, made it on the flight, and settled onto the C-17 only to have my son scream bloody murder for the hour we were delayed on the runway. We got off before it departed. The lesson I learned? Practice using earplugs before the trip or invest in some heavy duty noise canceling headphones. :D
With Space-A firmly relegated to something we should do when E is older, I bit the bullet and booked two tickets to spend three weeks in California.
By then it was March. While I was eagerly waiting for my trip, I got a call that my mom fell while substituting and broke her hip. Although she's 65, my mom is NOT old enough for something like that to happen! Thankfully, she's a trooper and dealt with her surgery, subsequent infection and jumped right into her PT.
The same night that I found out about my mom, E made his own trip to the ER when he tumbled out of a shopping cart. When it happened, I was horribly upset with myself. However, now that I know he's fine, it's simmered down to out-right mortification.
Finally in late March, we flew to California where we played in the sun, hit lots of parks, got together with old friends, hit Disneyland and spent lots n' lots of time soaking up time with the fam. I can't even tell you how much the trip just rejuvenated me. At the same time, the time with my family and friends made me miss being around people with whom I have deep connections.
When we got home in April, we immediately started getting ready for our big move to Kansas. Since the snow stuck around so long this year, we've been really busting through the outdoor maintenance we needed to do before our new tenants move in. Time has passed so quickly and now the movers are coming tomorrow. I can't believe it's already here!
Anyway, thanks for hanging around and being patient with my lack of posts.
xoxo
*For those not familiar with military-speak, Space-A is one of the privileged perks to military families where we hop on the extra space of flights that the Air Force is running a mission on. It's not super easy or comfy, but it can get you places for almost nothing!
Monday, April 1, 2013
Vegetable confusion.
So, no one ever tells you about this type of toddler conundrum...
Tonight we were sitting at my parent's dining table in California after dishing up some deeeelish Chinese food (of which I can't get in Alaska). The much spoiled grandchild was sitting at the head of the table flanked by Granny and Papa.
While he was busy tasting all of the dishes, I noticed that he was enjoying his veggies. So I speared a piece of sautéed squash and passed it to Granny to give to E. He took it, and papa said, "mmmmh a cucumber." I didn't want him to be surprised when he tasted it, so I explained that it was a piece of squash.
E looked at it, grabbed it off his fork and squeezed it.
As the liquid dripped out of it, I exclaimed at him, "Oh, don't do that!"
He said, "squash."
And then I got it. Squash.
My son squashed the squash.
That's toddler logic for you!!!
xoxo
Tonight we were sitting at my parent's dining table in California after dishing up some deeeelish Chinese food (of which I can't get in Alaska). The much spoiled grandchild was sitting at the head of the table flanked by Granny and Papa.
While he was busy tasting all of the dishes, I noticed that he was enjoying his veggies. So I speared a piece of sautéed squash and passed it to Granny to give to E. He took it, and papa said, "mmmmh a cucumber." I didn't want him to be surprised when he tasted it, so I explained that it was a piece of squash.
E looked at it, grabbed it off his fork and squeezed it.
As the liquid dripped out of it, I exclaimed at him, "Oh, don't do that!"
He said, "squash."
And then I got it. Squash.
My son squashed the squash.
That's toddler logic for you!!!
xoxo
Friday, February 15, 2013
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